I think I am abusing my partner

[MotoCar]

My DP can be incredibly frustrating. I’m 8 months pregnant and he’s been great with helping me with day to day things but absolutely shit at anything to do with the baby. I said we need to get a car seat and he said he would ask at the local garage what they had in stock. He is just oblivious to what we need and that we need to be prepared. He’s not even booked provisional paternity leave!

the last few weeks I’ve got really angry with him. Called him a cunt repeatedly and asked him to leave the house many times when he’s slept in the car. He’s never really done anything wrong as such, it’s just terrifying me how he doesn’t seem able to do anytime practical for us. I can’t get my head around it and the fear takes over.

I know im being awful to him and need to stop. I’m just in a spiral now. Any advice very welcome. I’ve booked an appointment with a mental health midwife which isn’t until next week.

Sorry I know it sounds like I’m trying to justify it and I suppose I am in a way. I feel ashamed about it. I just can’t stop my temper when the fear hits me. I genuinely feel sick and so scared and like everything is out of control.

I know I need help and I have sought it. I’m not coping well and I probably won’t be a good mother. I don’t think I would not have patience with a child but the fact I have been so horrible to my partner makes me a monster. As frustrating as he is he’s never called me names or even shouted really. He’s just very shit with practical stuff and always has been so I should have seen this coming.

I am going to look at things later and just order it. I think I’m being overly sentimental as a lot of this is wound up in wishing he was more involved and eager to do things and he just isn’t. He barely mentions anything about any of it. Some of my friends have partners who have discussed at length what sort of birth they want and my DP literally doesn’t engage when I bring it up. He will vaguely say he thinks something is best but not really listen to my fears or worries or take them on board himself. I just feel really alone but I know my responses are not ok.

Luckily you've realised you're being totally abusive and there's no excuse for it whatsoever.

Aside from that, you're being utterly precious & ridiculous. It's a baby, not an army. You don't need a 12 point presentation to buy things and your husband doesn't need to be reading baby books front to back and demonstrating a fully comprehensive understanding of baby needs.

It's completely ridiculous. You aren't in a 3rd world country, when the baby is born you will have access to shops and everything you could possibly need, there's absolutely no need for you to be treating your husband like this because he isn't indulging your neurosis.

I think you are responding badly to a not ideal situation. Name calling is not okay, and neither is blowing hot and cold and kicking him out only to let him back in.

However, if you are worried that his useless/lazy/unhelpful behaviour is how he is going to be as a parent going forward, then you can kick him out, but it needs to be a thought through deliberate decision with the separation being an ongoing thing, and a plan for being a single mum.

As for the baby preparation, find a list of essentials (lots of MN threads on it) and order the essentials on Amazon. So y other thinking. You are having a baby, you do not need DP permission to buy the things you and the baby need, if this is an problem for your DP then you need to address why it is an issue and if he is controlling.

Plenty of women are pregnant and don’t abuse their partners. Stop making excuses for your appalling behaviour.

Do you have a mum or any friends who have gone through this who can support you? You are being a bit unreasonable to expect your partner to instinctively know this stuff as a first time parent. Stop worrying about being a bad mum. No one really knows what they're doing until they're doing it.

You're just different people. DH isn't a planner, researcher, a hypothetical kind of guy. He deals with things when they happen (and does so well). He wasn't really much involved with a birth plan or anything like that but when I was in labour and it was actually happening, he was bloody amazing.

Likewise, I devoured all the books, he didn't read a single thing. Guess who was better in those first few days?! (Not that I'm still bitter about it ... but he was just able to get stuck in and do it whereas I kind of fretted about!). He was amazing in those first few weeks as he could actually do things and being practical is what he's good at, whereas I'm all about the research and theory but it takes me longer to actually be able to do things well.

You don't need to approach things the same way. Think about what you are good at and what he is good at.

Stop making excuses. You absolutely CAN stop your temper. Do you call your mother a cunt?

What about the guy at the checkout who is being unhelpful?

No? You can control yourself if you need to, you are choosing to take it out on him.

What about if he turned round and punched you one? Or called you a cunt and locked you out of the house. Said oh I'm so sorry but you wind me up and I can't help my temper? Would that be acceptable to you? It's the classic abuse line. Gaslighting. I know I was out of order but here's why it's your fault.

Have you considered the possibility that he's SCARED to engage about anything related to the pregnancy? Because of what your reaction might be? Poor sod.

Oh my goodness, you’re winding yourself up & not being very kind to your chap. Keep calm & take a step back.
As others have so sensibly said, just make out a list, sit with him over a coffee & work out the logistics of how to get the equipment you “think” you’ll need to be obtained & then get it delivered.
Meanwhile, think on this, baby can sleep in a drawer on the floor if you don’t get a crib in time. That’s what mothers did years ago & in war time. Baby won’t notice.
Bottles are easy to get but if you’re worried just buy one or two next time you’re out. A pram? It was “bad luck” years ago to bring a pram into the house before baby was born.There’s no rush.
Car seat? Order from internet.
All this paraphernalia mothers think they need these days is just clever marketing & a lot of it is peer pressure.
Stop worrying. It’ll all pan out in the fullness of time. Chill & enjoy your baby. I’m sure your DP will soon realise what he needs to do when baby gets here. You’ll see. X

Are you in the UK?
How old are you both?
Do you have supportive family or friends

You need some help stat because if you think it's bad now you have absolutely no idea what's coming when the baby arrives.

I would speak to midwife about the rage and ask for help with your mental health. And I would be apologising to DP.

I think you’re getting an unfairly hard time OP. Your response to your partner is not OK or acceptable. You know that and are trying to sort it out. That’s good and you absolutely should.

But to me, his behaviour is not acceptable either. Why is baby equipment your issue to resolve? It absolutely isn’t - this is his baby as much as yours and he needs to take responsibility. I am the organiser in our family and I ordered everything for our baby. I had lists of everything, budgets, I did research etc. But my husband read the reviews, looked at things with me, had and expressed opinions, took an interest, went shopping with me, and assembled the items. It was the least he could do as far as both he and I were concerned. He also wanted to do this stuff. It helped him when our daughter came that he knew what was what. And I’d have been furious if he hadn’t played his part. I’ll add that all my friends’ partners and husbands- all of them - were involved too.

I don’t buy this whole “you don’t need to be organised for a baby in advance” stuff either. It actually helps hugely, and saves you a lot of stress, if you are. It helped us enormously that we had everything sorted and planned when we got home. We never experienced the “oh my goodness, what do we do now?” panic. We knew what we were going to do where, how and with what, and that was very reassuring.

In short - yes, you need to sort out your responses to his behaviour. But he needs to get involved and take responsibility and not leave it all down to you!

Ps please don’t put your baby in a drawer to sleep. That’s a SIDS risk.

I think you have identified what the main problem is. You think of yourself as a monster and an unfit mother to your in born child. It sounds like you are mentally abusing yourself often too. This deep seated hatred of yourself is something you have to deal with because it is manifesting itself in the behaviour and abuse you project onto others in this example your husband. Listening and reading all these negative comments about your behaviour is not going to help you any further. Please do not revisit this thread. You’ve done a brave and hard thing even admitting this to yourself. Get professional help and I think your partner needs professional help too.

@Getwriting great response. Spot on I think.

OP were you like this at all before being pregnant? Definitely agree with everyone you should speak to your midwife.

Is there anywhere you can go to stay for a couple of nights instead of kicking your partner out?

It can often be just as overwhelming for the father in these scenarios, and he is probably still trying to get his head round things. It's a lot easier for mother to feel attached and get ready now as you are carrying the child and many men don't click on until the baby is born

As for paternity leave, unsure how your partners work does this but my partner couldn't exactly book his until baby was born and you never know when baby can be born. He should give his work your due date and discuss the potential of when he may be off

You need to talk to midwife and GP, as this could worsen when baby arrives. You'll start to resent partner if he isn't doing certain things. My dd is 4 months and I know there's loads about her daily care that my partner wouldn't remember to do so I fear if your partner is the same you may get frustrated with him even more.

I think you need to sort the purchases out yourself. You’re upset that your partner isn’t as interested as you had hoped but how is sitting around, being awful to him going to sort these things out that you need? I do understand that pregnancy hormones can make you loose your patience easily.

I have a 3 year old and like you I expected my partner to be as excited as me about buying things. He was not. He didn’t enjoy talking about car seats or baby clothes so I simply bought everything myself and showed him them once they’d arrived. Men are very different to women during pregnancy and to be honest until the baby turned 1 and started doing more I would say I was always more interested than he was. What are you going to do once baby is here and you find the same?

i think it’s time to pull on your big girls pants and buy what you want for your baby

That’s really mean, aggressive behaviour.
Imagine if the genders were reversed?

If temper is bad now, it’s likely to get far worse after the baby is born.

No one should have to endure being called a cunt and being made to leave

Maybe he WILL leave.
For good.

No excuse for abuse.

Op sorry you are scared do you have anyone aside from your partner to ask for advice? He can’t be your sole person for everything advice wise does he not have a job and other stuff going on? I think it’s good you are seeking help as it’s not really him it’s your reaction to feeling out of control the way you described it up thread so hopefully you can get some support as it may test you patience if he now feels worried to do anything if he gets abuse either way going forward.

Forgot to add how was your relationship before the pregnancy? What was your reaction to his planning and organising style then?

I think you need to see the doctor, it's possible that you have perinatal anxiety depression. I had postnatal depression after one of my babies and I was very angry and frustrated all the time and taking it out on my husband by shouting and swearing all the time. I recognised that the behaviour was out of character for me and I was put on antidepressants and had CBT. They might not want to give you anti D's being pregnant but it's really important that you acknowledge it and take action so you can monitor it before you ruin your relationships. Pregnancy is a hard time and raging hormones can make you do and say crazy things but you're definitely on the severe end of the scale making your poor partner sleep in the car

Im really glad you're self aware enough to know that this is abuse. In my experience, most men don't care which carseat or pram you buy, as long as it isn't too expensive.

i just had my third baby a few months ago. We had no baby stuff as we had thought we were finished having kids so had to start again from scratch. Think I was about 8 months pregnant before I ordered a car seat and crib on amazon. About a week before I was due to have the baby I realised I'd no clothes for her and ordered vests and baby grows, 2 cardigans and a coat thingy. I also realised I didn't even have a blanket for her. Picked one up at a local supermarket with days to go.

With my previous child I had nothing bought at 36 weeks (thought I'd loads of time) and my husband and family had to go on a mad shopping spree when I went into early labour. Glad my husband didn't call me a c* and make me sleep in the car.

FWIW, babies need weather appropriate clothes (eough to be rotated regularly) somewhere safe to sleep, a pram and a carseat. If breastfeeding doesn't work, get formula and a bottle at the shop.

Maybe popular culture has created a myth that babies need loads of stuff, but it's not true. The most important thing you want from your partner is to be responsible, present and helpful. Not having a visionboard of their top 10 car seats!

It doesn't matter how frustrating he is. You aren't being frustrated you are abusing him. There is never any justification for abusing someone.

You won't fix this unless you let go of the idea of how shit your partner is. You are just going to continue to justify treating him poorly because you have all this built up frustration, and that's not okay. I wonder do you want him to buy those things so that if they are wrong you can lay the blame on him?

I think it's good you've recognised your behaviour, but your attitude and thoughts towards your partner continue to be very negative and you need to stop blaming him for your anxieties. All of the things you've said he's not done, equally you have not done. You equally have not bought a pram, a car seat, bottles etc. You are just as unprepared as him, and you need to stop blaming him for this

I don’t buy this whole “you don’t need to be organised for a baby in advance” stuff either. It actually helps hugely, and saves you a lot of stress, if you are.

Of course you need to be prepared but you also need to realise you don’t need everything all at once, to be exactly in place by the time the baby is born.

You are not a monster OP.

I have met a fair amount in abusive men, through a job I used to do. Do you know what? Not a single one of them described themselves as abusive. They didn’t believe that they were.

You have had a look at your behaviour and you are asking for help. Well done.

Perinatal depression is very real. It’s not talked about as much as post-natal depression though.

I can see people are telling you not to worry about car seats etc , and to buy them yourself online. This is something you can do of course.

I suspect this isn’t really about the car seat though or the pram. You are scared. You feel like you are alone and about to take on a huge responsibility, because you don’t see your partner as being caps or enough to support you and to help you to be a good mum and to keep your baby safe.

I haven’t read the full thread, so sorry if this has been covered, but is your mum around? If so, can she support you or don’t you have a close relationship with her?

It is a big deal getting everything ready when you have never done it before. It would be nice for your partner to help and work as a team with you. A car seat is a safety issue and I can understand your frustration at his response, he has had 8 months to learn about some of this stuff. Does he have a book? There are lots of baby books aimed at dads now.