I think I am abusing my partner

[MotoCar]

My DP can be incredibly frustrating. I’m 8 months pregnant and he’s been great with helping me with day to day things but absolutely shit at anything to do with the baby. I said we need to get a car seat and he said he would ask at the local garage what they had in stock. He is just oblivious to what we need and that we need to be prepared. He’s not even booked provisional paternity leave!

the last few weeks I’ve got really angry with him. Called him a cunt repeatedly and asked him to leave the house many times when he’s slept in the car. He’s never really done anything wrong as such, it’s just terrifying me how he doesn’t seem able to do anytime practical for us. I can’t get my head around it and the fear takes over.

I know im being awful to him and need to stop. I’m just in a spiral now. Any advice very welcome. I’ve booked an appointment with a mental health midwife which isn’t until next week.

He doesn’t know where he will be sleeping? Just how often are you making this man sleep in a car?

fucking hell

You're afraid of getting the wrong thing?

What if he picked something and it arrived but qasnt exactly the way you had imagined. Then he's have got it "wrong" and you'd be calling him a cunt and kicking him out.

Look at how houre treating him. No wonder he doesnt want to help or make a decision. If he fails whatever test you set for him, then he'll be called a cunt and kicked out of his home.

Your behaviour is disgusting.

Just order what you need and stop abusing him. He might actually calm down, feel less afraid and get involved in things.

I mean what are you planning on doing when your new baby doesn’t do exactly what you want?

Baby's don't need to sleep in a cot for a while.

You just need to sit down for half an hour together and find a car seat that's suitable, safe and fits both your cars.

Calm down and be practical. I'm guessing he's not at work today. Apologise to him for being awful - no, hormones aren't an excuse to repeatedly abuse your partner - and order what you need.

He's new to this too. He's not doing it to wind you up. He's an unsure as you are.

He didn’t even understand that we needed bottles, he thought we would go with breast fed and then have no back up if it didn’t work.

I didn’t get bottles “just in case” It’s not like they are hard to find in a hurry. Every supermarket has them.

My daughter was born at 29 weeks and we had barely anything at that point. The world didn’t end.

You need to take a breath and know that everything will be fine. Stop calling your husband a cunt and making him sleep in the car.

Op, I had two kids already when I met my DH. He is a very practical sensible man and I was at a loss as to why he wasn't more keen to buy his first baby things. This sun beefcake evident though, when I was giving birth. The baby was literally crowning he shot u from the end of the bed and was like " OH MY GOD, it's a bloody BABY!" Followed by things like "it's a baby, and it's got a head. With BROWN HAIR!" . When the baby was actually born he was slack jawed and totally overwhelmed. But for him, that was the first "real" moment for him. Everything before this was hypothetical and abstract. To this day if it comes up in conversation he has to sit down and he pretty much falls asK over me telling me how amazing it was and his he never knew his life would charge so much etc. I think us women often forget this as we can actually feel it from day one.

Get help. Apologise to him and mean it.

Firstly explain to your poor DH why you are being so horrid to him.
Next make a list of all the essential things that you will need after birth.
Go through list with him then both go online, source the items, price them up and purchase what you can.
Don’t bring a baby into a home where Mummy is calling Daddy a cunt!

Baby's don't need to sleep in a cot for a while.

Indeed. The cot was the only thing we did have at 29 weeks. But she was so small we needed a Moses basket. Amazon next day delivery, job done.

Can you actually afford the stuff he's been reluctant to buy? It's all very well saying 'just order it' but could your partner be finding the financial outlay a big pressure? 2nd hand is perfectly fine and you could easily pick up a Moses basket, pram, crib, etc., on Facebook, then just buy a new mattress.

Gosh I can't imagine calling my husband the c-word Even when he's being insanely annoying.

I chose pram/car seat myself because it's me that was going to be off on mat leave and using it mostly and because I am the researcher, he is the builder So I choose, although did run a couple of things past him just for his advice, and he puts it all together. Just how our dynamic works as we play to our strengths, I suppose.

And I think part of the problem is that you want to have things 'just in case' and he doesn't think you need to worry about it. I sympathise with that as I'm a planner but DH is a 'we'll work it out when it happens' type, but he was actually right. We didn't buy bottles, turned out I did struggle to breastfeed at first but we cup fed anyway for first couple of weeks and you can get stuff next day delivery or same day if you just go to a supermarket, so we just ordered bottles online and it was fine. It didn't really matter that we didn't have them in advance. There's not much stuff that is essential, really, that you can't just buy when you need it.

Ok, this is starting to make sense. You are very worried you don't know what you are doing.

It really doesn't matter what car seat, moses basket, sleeping bag, you get. I guess with the car seat make sure it fits in your car - but other than that, you can't really go wrong! There are a million prams and a million car seats and a million cars ... your baby will be fine with any of them.

All your baby really needs is YOU - the rest of all that stuff is really so irrelevant. When your baby is here, you will know what I mean immediately.

In order to be able to give yourself to your baby, you yourself need to be in a good, calm, supportive relationship, so that you feel supported and held yourself, so that you can then support and hold your baby in the way he or she needs.

SO, The MOST IMPORTANT THING you can do now is to forget this fixation on "stuff", and MEND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Apologise to your partner, tell him you know you have been a hormonal cow, that you love and need him and you want to wipe the slate clean and work hard on being a good partnership into which your little baby can be born and thrive.

And you cannot make him sleep in the car. That's worse than people treat dogs. How on earth has that happened? Do you not even have a sofa?

Your behaviour is abusive and using pregnancy as an excuse is wrong.
Choose a pram and a cot instead of faffing about trying to force him to and abusing him for not doing what you want.
A ridiculous and horrible situation of
your own making.

At what point have people bought this stuff?? What the hell is wrong with you?? This is ABUSE pure and simple and you're sidetracking it with every single comment and relentlessly saying but I don't have bottles/a pram etc. If a bloke was hauling his wife out onto the street ( or car) every night there would be calls to Ltb all over the place. This is wrong and I feel terribly sorry for him...

OP it sounds as though you may have pre-natal depression. Telling your midwife is exactly the right thing to do, and they can signpost to all kinds of help.

OP it sounds as though you may have pre-natal depression. Telling your midwife is exactly the right thing to do, and they can signpost to all kinds of help.

People are being very, very harsh to you considering what your body is going through. Your hormones are all over the place and it's no wonder you're feeling so bad when not feeling supported during this time!

Your behaviour is really not good but you've acknowledged that and are seeking help to change it.

I'm sorry people have gone so hard on you when you also must be massively struggling as well xxxx

He needs to leave you. Your treatment of him is disgraceful.

DH, get your coat, we need to go buy a pram. Go to store. Look at prams. Buy pram.

Repeat with car seat. Repeat with all other baby paraphernalia.

If you're getting so frustrated with him over buying a pram then how are you going to cope with a baby who won't stop crying? A toddler who is utterly irrational and going into one because their drink is too wet?

You can't send the baby to sleep in the car or scream cunt at them.

Are you going to let your tiny baby grow up listening to you abuse your partner and think that this is a normal response to frustration?

Honestly, were I your husband, I'd have left you by now and raised my concerns about your parenting ability with social services. You need professional help with this because it is going to impact on your parenting.

I grew up with a parent I had to walk on eggshells around and despite him leaving when I was 7, it has left me with lifelong anxiety and a terror of people shouting. Even though it wasn't aimed at me, it was terrifying and frankly someone should have intervened long before.

Children shouldn't live with abusive parents even if its not them the abuse is aimed at. As parenting goes, no one is going to be perfect, you just have to be good enough. What you're doing now isn't good enough.

Unless you want to be on your own with a baby, stop behaving like a spoilt brat. I wouldn't blame him for leaving you

OP all your posts are your attempts to justify your behaviour. You keep going in about how useless you think he is, as though you’re hoping we would agree with you.

I’m sorry but no, your behaviour is not justifiable. It is abusive and definitely not ok.

If you want to be a single mum, you’re doing a good job in getting you there.

I don't think people are being harsh. Pregnancy isn't a free pass to abuse someone or treat people like shit under the guise of 'hormones'. If a woman was being called a cunt repeatedly and being made to sleep outside in the car, can you imagine what the response would be? Even if the man in question had a mental health condition. It is totally unacceptable.

I imagine OP isn't abusing other people in her life, just her partner, so she seems able to keep those pesky hormones in control at work and other places.

Your hormones are all over the place and it's no wonder you're feeling so bad when not feeling supported during this time!

That's absolutely no excuse to treat your husband like shit.

He's not being unsupportive, he's probably scared to make any decisions or suggestions. I would be.

Poor man it would be a whole different story if he called you awful disgusting names and you got asked to leave and you sleep In the car ect you need to calm down be for he does leave for good

Arguments can get heated and name calling no matter how civilised or uncivilised is part of it in many relationships. The difference here is that you seem to have all the power in this relationship and your using this power differential to emotionally torture your husband. He needs to be able to feel he has a safe place to sleep and live. You are not allowing him to feel safe in his own home. It’s good you have recognised this it’s not good you feel the need to try and justify it. Please get help. You can still fix it if your husband still wants to.