I think I am abusing my partner

[MotoCar]

My DP can be incredibly frustrating. I’m 8 months pregnant and he’s been great with helping me with day to day things but absolutely shit at anything to do with the baby. I said we need to get a car seat and he said he would ask at the local garage what they had in stock. He is just oblivious to what we need and that we need to be prepared. He’s not even booked provisional paternity leave!

the last few weeks I’ve got really angry with him. Called him a cunt repeatedly and asked him to leave the house many times when he’s slept in the car. He’s never really done anything wrong as such, it’s just terrifying me how he doesn’t seem able to do anytime practical for us. I can’t get my head around it and the fear takes over.

I know im being awful to him and need to stop. I’m just in a spiral now. Any advice very welcome. I’ve booked an appointment with a mental health midwife which isn’t until next week.

Everyone is different. I had a couple of bad episodes of losing my temper in the last three or four weeks of pregnancy -- it really wasn't like me at all!

I've had nothing like it before or since and I believe it was down to both stress and hormones.
You recognise it's not normal. Could you ask your midwife, who is clearly supportive, for advice? And also ask her for advice about your DH and how you feel he is not listening to your concerns. Your feelings do not deserve to be ignored.
Of course your behaviour isn't right, but you are trying to get help. Blaming you is no solution.

@FairyCakeWings he did say that not knowing where he was sleeping one moment to the next was impacting his ability to help. I do know that I just feel so out of control now that I am not coping at all.

at what point have most people bought this stuff?

Your hormones will be making you sensitive & wanting this to be a shared family experience with him but you need to stop waiting for him, just buy everything yourself, he has had the chance to be involved but clearly doing this stuff together isn't working

Even though my partner is helpful & supportive and would have helped choose stuff I just went and chose/bought/ordered everything myself so I knew I had everything we needed

Your baby can arrive anytime from now so you don't really have time to mess around waiting

He's just stuck in an abusive relationship, he can't leave you with a newborn. Your baby isn't going to do everything the way you want either.

It's understandable you are worried and stressed. Be realistic though, do you really think the baby will come and you'll have nothing at all? Of course not.Even if that was the case, with Amazon next day your partner could have it all kitted out the next day. You want control, you need to act like it. Buy what you want/think you need and get it sort it.

None of it is the end of the world or life or death. You need to accept that.

Do you not have any family or friends that are involved?

I’m glad you’re seeing the midwife to talk about your mental health. Pregnancy hormones made me ragey but as you have identified yourself, you are going too far. It sounds really like you’re taking your anxiety about impending motherhood and the feelings of loss of control out on your partner and that is not cool. He might be a bit dithery but honestly if all you’re worried about is a few purchases, you really need to get some perspective. He’s not acting how you want him to, but shouting at him isn’t going to change that - it’s very controlling. And honestly I didn’t have any bottles as was planning to bf, had a complete meltdown about a pram and got DH to choose and tbh spent as much time freaking out about pregnancy as I did feeling excited about it. I think a lot of dads-to-be find it difficult to get their heads round having a baby as it’s not there sticking its toes in their ribcage. It doesn’t mean they won’t step up when the baby arrives. As well as seeking professional advice I would focus on your own anxieties and what you can change/control (rather than your DH) plus consider yoga, meditation, walks in nature etc to help keep you grounded.

The more you abuse him and throw him out the house the less interested he is going to be in the forthcoming baby and the preparation for their arrival.

You both need to sit down and have a frank chat. Go on the internet and order what you need then start working on repairing your relationship. You are going to need him on side when baby arrives.

You are being abusive but at least you are recognising it. Speak to your midwife and seek help. As for stuff for the baby. A car seat, a few outfits and a Moses basket is about all you need to start (plus nappies, wipes...). I ordered all baby stuff myself. My dh didn't have a clue about it so I just got what I wanted. Trying to insist that it's a joint effort obviously isn't working for you, so just sort it yourself. If you're worried you're not prepared, getting some bit should make you feel better.

So, you are getting incredibly stressed and he isn't helping. That's ok. It's actually unreasonable of him not to be intervening and helping to manage this very stressful time of your lives and i can totally see why you are frustrated and panicked. He, after all, isn't dealing with your physical symptoms.

It's unacceptable for you to let that tip over into abusive behaviour. After the very first incident you should have sat down together and planned how to ensure it never happen again- including a plan to sort out the things that worry you.

Obvious easy answer- go shopping together. Now. Right now. You may not get everything you need, but you can look at everything, pick some things up and shortlist others.

Most things can be managed from a 24 hour supermarket.

It's really important that you do this now. You can't go into life with a tiny baby and no sleep, at each other's throats.

Honestly, despite everyone here agreeing and telling you it is abuse, you still seem to be making excuses for why it's his fault you're abusing him in every reply.

You need to stop with saying you do it because he's not supporting you or choosing a pram etc - this is also his first baby (I'm assuming), he doesn't know these things either.

You've said in the OP that he's been great at supporting you while you've been pregnant, he's just not been great with things like buying stuff for baby so maybe acknowledging the things that he has been doing to help you instead of just everything you see as negatives may help you to rationalise.

Things like buying the pram, car seat etc - if you want him there too, on the next day you're both off go to a local baby shop and have a look. Or just choose one that you like, show him it and say you've chosen this one is he happy with that?
Honestly, this stuff is very trivial. It seems scary when it's your first. I felt the same but I just chose everything and showed my Partner then he would order it or I would order it. I was the one out of the two of us that liked things organised and arranged and so he wanted me to choose the pram etc that I liked. Since our baby has been here though (he's nearly 1) he's been an amazing hands on Dad. He just didn't know things like what bottles etc we'd need whereas I'd researched it all so it made sense for me to choose them.

You need to talk to the midwife and ask for help because your Partner will only put up with so much and what you're doing to him isn't right. If my Partner was throwing me out the house and I had to sleep in my car, calling me a cunt etc and trying to blame me and being pregnant, I would be leaving them unless they showed willing to get help (by acting; not just saying you're going to)

op you are acting like you have no control over your own life. There is nothing stopping you buying all this stuff. Yes in an ideal world he should be involved but that’s not happening and the solution is definitely not to call him a cunt. You feel overwhelmed and like you have nothing ready. Well then bloody take control and get ready. Don’t use your partner and an emotional punching bag.

Good God, what man in the history of ever has been interested or engaged in buying prams or thinking about baby bottles?! I’m sorry if that’s sexist but in reality most men can’t really conceptualise the existence of a baby until it comes out! Why do you need him to choose a pram or a car seat? Just pick what you want. I mean, do talk to him about stuff but you don’t need him to do these things. You are scared- having a first baby can be scary, but it’s not his fault. Maybe if you stop calling him names and making him sleep in the car he might be able to support you emotionally?

@MotoCar be honest with yourself,you don't have to answer here. You say normally you're quite independent so why can't you just make a purchase without your partner's input? Let's face it, if you really wanted to and it was that important and urgent you'd have done it by now. Are you worried about making the wrong choice/spendings too much/way too many choices with good and bad reviews or opinions and you don't want the sole responsibility if you choose the "wrong" thing? Do you need your partner to share that burden/responsibility?

I have two children and my husband is a fantastic dad.

But, he was pretty bloody useless before they were here. I had to research, organise and project manage everything baby related. We've spoken about it and he says it was because it didn't feel "real" for him before they were here.

At the time, it did feel like he was disinterested and it was upsetting and frustrating. You'll just have to sort everything yourself if you want it ready in time.

Op I think you know you are being abusive and to make him sleep in the car on several occasions is disgusting. I am surprised he has not left you. Not everyone is practicall as pp have said order the baby's things and show him what you have ordered. Have you thought that he might not want to get involved for fear of another barney and another night in the car. I agree with you wanting to seek help. I hope you do get this sorted out asap because this is not a good environment for a baby

Your sensitivity is not an excuse for you to abuse your partner. No wonder he doesn't want to help with anything.

You want support but you are not asking for it in the right way currently. You might be inadvertently using items and situations to try to manipulate him. You want a pram, go buy a pram because it's not about the pram really. The pram, car seat etc are almost like traps that you can lay so he messes up, then you have somewhere to put your anger.
This is about your difficulty with emotional expression.
Being pregnant is scary and makes us feel out of control. Good on you for noticing your own behavior, plenty of people don't.
If you can, sit him down and try to be open about how frightened you feel about the impending birth.
But it's not about the stuff he's not doing, it's about how your emotions are very very difficult right now. Sharing your vulnerability is what will bring you two closer than any harsh words or dire warnings. Apologise and own it when you know you have been harsh.
Above all, go easy on yourself, then you'll go easier on everyone else.

You could have ordered a moses basket and/or cot, car sear/push chair/travel system, baby monitor bottles, steriliser, muslins, sleepsuits, baby sleeping bag, starter newborn clothes (dont buy too many as baby might be big) and nappies in the time it has taken you to write and respond on the thread.

Just go and do it. If he wants to do it too then go sit by him with your laptop or tablet and say, "we need to order these things so let's get it done." and just do it.

Regarding calling him a cunt repeatedly and sending him to sleep in the car... he should leave you.

I think youre getting an unfair run of it on here OP. Yes your behaviour has been abusive to your partner BUT pregnancy rage is a real thing and linked to pregnancy anxiety, its hormonal and can be treated with antidepressants. So while theres no excuse for calling your partner a cunt, there are reasons why you're not acting your usual self and struggling to manage your emotions. Talk to your GP and ask for support. I have postnatal anxiety and depression and for me the symptoms were irrational anger and irritability. Ive had treatment and its resolved. I think the people commebting that your partner should leave you dont have experience of what could for you be a treatable medical condition. Good luck

I am worried about getting it wrong I think

Just accept that he's wired differently to you. He probably isn't going to be that interested in purchasing prams etc. Some men are, some men couldn't care less. You do care, and it's easy to sort, so you get it sorted. There will be thousands of tasks like this with parenting. Thousands. And they won't be done with two parents involved, actively decision-making. They'll be done by one of you, the one who cares the most and has the aptitude for it. Sometimes him, sometimes you, sometimes neither of you will want to do it and you'll have to negotiate over it.

That said, his role after birth is very important. Talk about how you want him to care for you and support your recovery from childbirth once the baby is here.

Sounds like the poor sod is terrified of getting the wrong things, so procrastinates and then gets it in the neck anyway.

You really need to get some help with this or you'll lose him. In the meantime, try and learn to bite your tongue, take a deep breath and walk away rather than call him a cunt and chuck him out.

Just order everything you need online today by yourself. You'll feel loads more relaxed. Tbh I would start taking care of everything on my own and taking more control. If you have anxiety about things being prepared and your partner doesn't, it'll feel to you like they're being irresponsible. You just both have different mindsets, but you'll feel a lot more in control of your mental state if you start doing the things like ordering stuff yourself.

I think your anxiety about this big life event is getting expressed in these concrete things like bottles. Its a kind of nesting instinct, I guess.

One of the really difficult things about having a baby is that the man and the woman suddenly become aware of their differences in experience and they are often NOT on the same page. Your DH's experience of this baby is very DIFFERENT to yours. He isn't carrying it, he won't be BFing it, he won't be giving birth, with all the anxieties and fears these bring. On the other hand, he has to watch his precious baby being carried and birthed and fed by someone else, without any chance to do it himself - which is a whole OTHER set of anxieties.

Whenever there is difference is leads to anxiety and anger and disappointment, you want your DH to be where you are, but he isn't. That's OK. It doesnt mean he is NOWHERE, it just means he isn't precisely where you are. Can you talk to him about where you are, and be curious about where HE is? He probably has a whole load of fears and anxieties of his own e.g. about losing you or the baby, maybe that you or the baby will die or that he will lose your love to the baby and become irrelevant. He might be very worried about whether he can be a good father and provider for his baby - and the whole thing might feel surreal to him especially since he is not the one who can feel the baby inside.

He might be feeling equally upset that you don't understand where he is at.

FWIW I didn't have a nursery, a cot, nor bottles with mine when she was first born.

I had a car seat, a pram, a moses basket, I had some vests, some sleepsuits, a hat, some cardis, and a sleeping bag thing, I had nappies and wipes and I had muslins. I don't think you really need much more than that TBH. And if you do need something, the shops are almost permanently open and Amazon does next day delivery.

I think when you call your DH a "cunt" for not having organised a car seat what you really mean is you are furious with him for not understanding how anxious you are.

The calling him a cunt and making him sleep in the car has got to stop, too. As well you know. That is no way to treat your partner, and the father of your baby. How on earth can you two work together in this very challenging period if you are speaking to him like that. Don't ever call him a vulgar name again. Don't ever again allow your partner and father of your child to spend the night in a car because you can't control your rages.

From your last post. That sounds like anxiety. I'd definitely have a chat with your midwife.

Hormonal rage is definitely a thing.