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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I am abusing my partner

159 replies

MotoCar · 08/05/2022 14:18

My DP can be incredibly frustrating. I’m 8 months pregnant and he’s been great with helping me with day to day things but absolutely shit at anything to do with the baby. I said we need to get a car seat and he said he would ask at the local garage what they had in stock. He is just oblivious to what we need and that we need to be prepared. He’s not even booked provisional paternity leave!

the last few weeks I’ve got really angry with him. Called him a cunt repeatedly and asked him to leave the house many times when he’s slept in the car. He’s never really done anything wrong as such, it’s just terrifying me how he doesn’t seem able to do anytime practical for us. I can’t get my head around it and the fear takes over.

I know im being awful to him and need to stop. I’m just in a spiral now. Any advice very welcome. I’ve booked an appointment with a mental health midwife which isn’t until next week.

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 08/05/2022 23:11

Wow! If I was your DH I would be long gone by now. Making him sleep in the car and him not knowing where he is sleeping at any one time depending on your mood whilst trying to hold down a job is just shocking. As for the name calling - disgusting

See, I read the OP differently to PPs. To me, you have started this thread looking for validation for the way you are behaving. You've called yourself an abuser but then spent every other post telling us why he deserves it. You seem quite certain that he deserves it and your attempts at justification intensified when others started saying yes you are an abuser. You then flounced off the thread.

I'm glad you're getting help OP but your partner needs to leave you. No one deserves to put up with that treatment and you appear intent of victim blaming and minimising your actions. What are you going to do when you're on week 4 of constant disturbed sleep and baby won't stop crying? Having no impulse control is not good with a new baby and you need to tell people now that you cannot control your temper and are lashing out at your partner. For everyone's sake.

Namenic · 08/05/2022 23:26

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP.
Yes, she shouldn’t have done those things.
Personally I would find OPs husband hard to live with.
If I am asking for x to be done for several weeks and nothing is happening, this would annoy me.
BUT the answer is not to get angry or throw him out - it is to find other ways of achieving x (like do it yourself, do not consult him, just get it done, ask your relatives or friends if they can do x, pay someone to do x).
Perhaps moving to a friend’s or your parents so that you can be in a calmer frame of mind. Then have couples counselling.

There are situations where I might lock my partner out of the house - but it would involve serious things like him cheating on me or gambling lots of our joint money away.
Would that make me abusive?

whowhatwerewhy · 09/05/2022 06:40

You need to stop abusing him .
Sit down make a list of what you need , go shopping together or order on line .
Then both of you sort out the babies room ( or space in yours ) . If he's unable to decide what draw to put the baby grows in , you do it , things can always be moved.
By the end of a few days everything thing will be ready .
You can't pick the wrong thing , baby is hardly going to say I don't like my car seat / buggy / cot . As long as it's practical for your needs , space in car boot ect

W1ngingit · 09/05/2022 13:00

I am absolutely amazed at the number of women on here excusing his lack of interest, not booking paternity leave (she's 8 months gone!) and not getting involved in any of the organisational necessities of having a baby. This is the pure perpetuation of the myth that it's the mother's problem until the baby shows up. It leads to a significant number of men not bothering after the baby shows up. This doesn't excuse abusive behaviour and it isn't a justification for OP's actions. But good grief MN! Why not walk back on womans' lib all together!

Whispers1988 · 09/05/2022 15:20

MotoCar · 08/05/2022 15:40

Sorry I know it sounds like I’m trying to justify it and I suppose I am in a way. I feel ashamed about it. I just can’t stop my temper when the fear hits me. I genuinely feel sick and so scared and like everything is out of control.

I know I need help and I have sought it. I’m not coping well and I probably won’t be a good mother. I don’t think I would not have patience with a child but the fact I have been so horrible to my partner makes me a monster. As frustrating as he is he’s never called me names or even shouted really. He’s just very shit with practical stuff and always has been so I should have seen this coming.

I am going to look at things later and just order it. I think I’m being overly sentimental as a lot of this is wound up in wishing he was more involved and eager to do things and he just isn’t. He barely mentions anything about any of it. Some of my friends have partners who have discussed at length what sort of birth they want and my DP literally doesn’t engage when I bring it up. He will vaguely say he thinks something is best but not really listen to my fears or worries or take them on board himself. I just feel really alone but I know my responses are not ok.

Unreal.... What you have described as his failings sound like nothing. What is he doing right? Is he there for you? Does he give financial support for the baby? Did he go to scans and assure you he'd be there for the birth? Loyalty? Treating you with patience and respect?

I have none of that and I'd still never force my partner to sleep in a car and I wouldn't call him a cunt once nevermind repeatedly and then blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

Wake up and realise what you have.

Whispers1988 · 09/05/2022 15:23

W1ngingit · 09/05/2022 13:00

I am absolutely amazed at the number of women on here excusing his lack of interest, not booking paternity leave (she's 8 months gone!) and not getting involved in any of the organisational necessities of having a baby. This is the pure perpetuation of the myth that it's the mother's problem until the baby shows up. It leads to a significant number of men not bothering after the baby shows up. This doesn't excuse abusive behaviour and it isn't a justification for OP's actions. But good grief MN! Why not walk back on womans' lib all together!

He probebly cant think straight cos of the stress of an abusive relationship

willithappen · 09/05/2022 16:18

I have only had one child so please excuse me if I'm wrong but in what way can her partner book paternity leave when they don't know when baby will arrive?
My partner gave our due date to boss but obviously couldn't book anything until way nearer the time and his works policy was the 2 weeks were from baby's birth date

Maybe different companies are all different policies

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/05/2022 19:44

Melsuleenia · 08/05/2022 22:06

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

I would invite you to not place words into my mouth. In point of fact, that is very highly suggestive.

In terms of abuse, male:female, it's actually even. It's just that both genders tend to abuse in different ways.

When you get a scenario as the OP has described where her partner is not supporting her during what must be arguably the biggest thing any human can go through...this whole matter looks like someone is not getting attention.

When the baby is born it will get even worse!

There is such a thing as perinatal depression. It is usually caused by an uncaring partner or lack of immediate family support.

OP came on here asking for help. Some of the responses are fair and balanced. The others' however are just in for the pile on.

OP, if you are reading then please stop on this board. This is the best advice I can give you.

You are backtracking. You stated her partner is provoking her into her abusive behaviour towards him. Nothing has been stated to say that is the case. Your comment was deleted and rightly so, for basically saying 'he had it coming for provoking you'.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/05/2022 19:44

willithappen · 08/05/2022 22:34

@Melsuleenia honestly 😂 how can you possibly accuse others of putting words into your mouth when it's LITERALLY the exact thing you have done here

Let's not dance around the bush and try cover up for your vile comment earlier. I'm putting zero words in your mouth, it's quite clearly here what you said in black and white.

I don't need to read anything thanks. I'm 100% confident that not knowing how to prepare for a baby does not equal abuse or any form of 'provoking' the OPs actions.

👏🏼

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