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Original poster

Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

276 replies

AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 22:41

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, when we first got together he used to hint about proposing all the time. He even asked me once when drunk and I said of course but only if he asked me sober :) that was 5 years ago now. I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic. We agreed a while ago now that as we had always wanted kids we would try after I turned 35, and now we have a little one on the way (I’m 16 weeks). I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes. We’ve also talked before about how much sense it makes legally/financially when we have both a baby and house. But it just never happens. I forget for ages, like I said I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day, but then something will happen, tonight it was 2 people on TV talking wistfully about their honeymoon, and I ended up in tears because I realised I will never get to have that proper baby free honeymoon I once just assumed I would get one day. Sometimes I convince myself he can’t love me anymore.

What do I do? Or how do I not feel shit? Or has anyone done a wedding and really really good honeymoon with a baby in tow?
should I just give up/get annoyed at him/give him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable to feel this crap?

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 06/05/2022 22:49

In your shoes I wouldn't be wistfully waiting and hoping. I would tell him very clearly that the baby would be having my surname, and I would not be giving up work as we were not married and I had no legal protection. If you want to get married then tell him you don't expect to be having this baby as a single parent - set a date, have a small, quiet wedding, if that's what you want. The big day and the dream honeymoon are not going to happen. Marriage is about far more than one day.

For me it would be a deal breaker, to be honest. But only you can decide that.

ExtraOnion · 06/05/2022 22:51

Why are you sitting around waiting for him
to propose? If it means so much to you, why have you not asked him?
Seems so old fashioned, the man making the decisions around when / if you get married.

Badger1970 · 06/05/2022 22:54

We got married when our DD was 6 months old, I wasn't getting married for anyone or anything while pregnant. We had a lovely quiet wedding and honeymoon. But we were engaged when I fell pregnant - very unplanned.

I'd say that after 6 years, OP, marriage isn't on his radar. Which is why I'd give the baby your surname and not his. And make sure that you can go it alone if you need to.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 22:54

I agree. What I’ve told him so far is baby is having a double barrel surname, both our names. Like a friggin joint business venture 😂 honestly I just feel so bitter at him now for it. We’ve had the odd frank conversation about it over the years, and he never tells me a reason other than not the right moment, or gets all coy and says he will do it “one day” I honestly didn’t expect to be 4 months pregnant and nothing. Maybe because it’s not been something I’ve gone on and on about, it’s just come up sporadically over the years. I get upset for a few mins maybe have a cry then move on for months/years.

OP posts:
OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 06/05/2022 22:55

Now you have a baby on the way, can't you just tell him you want to get married before baby arrives? I wasn't pregnant, but we wanted to get married quickly, so we planned our wedding in 3 months after DH proposed. It's easy enough to do, especially if you're not too rigid about exactly what your wedding day looks like.

Ultimately, if you wanted to get married before you had children, why did you agree to TTC before you were married? It sounds like it was a deliberate decision, not an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted to be married before having children, so I didn't stop using contraception until our wedding day. I wouldn't have terminated an unplanned pregnancy if I had happened to fall pregnant before marriage, but I didn't deliberately TTC. You have lost some of your leverage now - if he refuses to marry you, you're a bit stuck.

You are not unreasonable to feel put out - marriage gives financial protection to a mother if her career, earnings, or pension suffer due to childbirth or motherhood. It can be hard to predict pre-children whether that will happen. I was essentially forced out of a high-earning job for being pregnant, then one of our children had health problems, so childcare has been tricky and part-time work made practical sense. I think we are both very glad we are married and are facing these challenges as a legal and emotional unit.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 22:56

It’s just a personal thing really. I’d like to know he really means it. I get it’s not for everyone but he knows it’s important to me and that’s part of what makes me feel so sad/bitter at times

OP posts:
Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 22:57

Badger1970 · 06/05/2022 22:54

We got married when our DD was 6 months old, I wasn't getting married for anyone or anything while pregnant. We had a lovely quiet wedding and honeymoon. But we were engaged when I fell pregnant - very unplanned.

I'd say that after 6 years, OP, marriage isn't on his radar. Which is why I'd give the baby your surname and not his. And make sure that you can go it alone if you need to.

I think you’re right. Good advice.

OP posts:
BIWI · 06/05/2022 22:58

Bloody hell - it's 2022 not 1922! Propose to him rather than just hang around waiting for him to do it.

Or, just book a date at the register office and tell him when it's happening.

RedDiamond · 06/05/2022 23:00

Do you live together?

Mrstwiddle · 06/05/2022 23:01

Honestly, he just isn’t interested in marrying you. Don’t bother proposing to him, just accept that you’re likely to have to do this alone.

MissyB1 · 06/05/2022 23:02

You are not a Jane Austen character or a 1950s teenager. You are an intelligent adult.

Tell him straight that the two of you need to get married now as per all the sensible reasons that you have both discussed in the past.

He doesn’t get to decide by himself or use it as some sort of control. He either wants to marry you or he doesn’t, and it’s time for him to shit or get off the pot.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/05/2022 23:02

Yes baby needs your name only.

Focus completely on protecting yourself and baby. He’s a big boy he can look after himself.

And definitely be prepared to go it alone. 💐 Op. I’m sorry for the way you’re feeling. I’d be getting angry to be honest at the lack of care for your feelings. If he tries to say it’s only a piece of paper, well there’s no reason why he shouldn’t do it if it makes you happy hey.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:02

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 06/05/2022 22:55

Now you have a baby on the way, can't you just tell him you want to get married before baby arrives? I wasn't pregnant, but we wanted to get married quickly, so we planned our wedding in 3 months after DH proposed. It's easy enough to do, especially if you're not too rigid about exactly what your wedding day looks like.

Ultimately, if you wanted to get married before you had children, why did you agree to TTC before you were married? It sounds like it was a deliberate decision, not an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted to be married before having children, so I didn't stop using contraception until our wedding day. I wouldn't have terminated an unplanned pregnancy if I had happened to fall pregnant before marriage, but I didn't deliberately TTC. You have lost some of your leverage now - if he refuses to marry you, you're a bit stuck.

You are not unreasonable to feel put out - marriage gives financial protection to a mother if her career, earnings, or pension suffer due to childbirth or motherhood. It can be hard to predict pre-children whether that will happen. I was essentially forced out of a high-earning job for being pregnant, then one of our children had health problems, so childcare has been tricky and part-time work made practical sense. I think we are both very glad we are married and are facing these challenges as a legal and emotional unit.

Reason for baby already is simple really, wealways agreed, for age related fertility decline reasons we would try for a baby at 35. He knew the deal and how important him proposing was to me. So even every other month we were TTC I thought right ok, it might not happen for a few months still he’s just about got time, he has to do it soon. He was cutting it fine I thought but that was it. We had talked a few times about how marriage offers protection if anything happened to one of us amongst other things.

I get that the solution is to propose but it’s also not really, that’s part of what I’m annoyed about. I wanted him to ask. I’m annoyed he’s made me feel I have to put a gun to his head 😞 he says he loves me, wants more children etc.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 06/05/2022 23:03

And yes if there’s no marriage baby gets your name only - no double barrel.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:04

RedDiamond · 06/05/2022 23:00

Do you live together?

Yes, I own a flat I’ve had for 11 years and he moved in with me 2 years ago. We are planning to buy together this year. Yes this flat is mine but he earns a lot more than me

OP posts:
Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:05

MissyB1 · 06/05/2022 23:03

And yes if there’s no marriage baby gets your name only - no double barrel.

Why is that? x a few people said just mine not double barre but I don’t know what difference it will make

OP posts:
Gilesgoesformiles · 06/05/2022 23:06

I wouldn’t advise marrying someone you can’t have a simple conversation about shared goals, hopes and dreams with….

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 06/05/2022 23:08

AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 22:56

It’s just a personal thing really. I’d like to know he really means it. I get it’s not for everyone but he knows it’s important to me and that’s part of what makes me feel so sad/bitter at times

You are being a bit unreasonable, sorry. You chose to plan a pregnancy when you weren't engaged or married, while knowing you wanted to be married before having a baby. If being proposed to was important, why on earth didn't you walk away when you'd been a couple for 6 years and he hadn't asked you to marry him?

If you want to continue this relationship, then if I were you I'd broach the topic with him. You can always agree that he will then go off and choose a ring and do a 'proposal' within a couple of weeks of your conversation. That's sort of what I did - DH and I agreed fairly early in our relationship that we wanted to get married, and I showed him examples of engagement rings I liked, and then he went away and chose a ring (knowing my ring size and preferences already) and then proposed with that ring knowing we had already agreed and I would say yes.

If he refuses to marry you, then you can either stick around without marriage (but for goodness' sake give the baby your surname, and don't give up work or make yourself financially vulnerable), or you can walk away now.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:08

Rainbowqueeen · 06/05/2022 23:02

Yes baby needs your name only.

Focus completely on protecting yourself and baby. He’s a big boy he can look after himself.

And definitely be prepared to go it alone. 💐 Op. I’m sorry for the way you’re feeling. I’d be getting angry to be honest at the lack of care for your feelings. If he tries to say it’s only a piece of paper, well there’s no reason why he shouldn’t do it if it makes you happy hey.

Thank you for saying that. Honestly I’m just having a cry and need a bit of empathy.

A few people telling me to
just propose myself are missing the point a bit 😅 I’m not a friggin trad wife wannabe or anything. We’d be down a registry office, I’m not after some silly traditional nonsense, the proposal from him was just one single, silly old fashioned element that was really important to me. That was it

OP posts:
RedDiamond · 06/05/2022 23:09

AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:04

Yes, I own a flat I’ve had for 11 years and he moved in with me 2 years ago. We are planning to buy together this year. Yes this flat is mine but he earns a lot more than me

Show quote history

I am so very glad you do own your own property. Give your beautiful baby YOUR name. In my very old fashioned opinion, if they want you they have to put a ring on it. (Lyrics probably in your head).

Rinatinabina · 06/05/2022 23:09

Protect yourself, make sure it’s 50/50 childcare (agree this before the baby is born), don’t let having a child impact your work.

i’m going to be blunt, watch what he does not what he says. If he wanted to marry you he’d have asked by now. I would work on the assumption no proposal is forthcoming and let it go. But make plans that prioritise your ability to care for your child yourself.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:11

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 06/05/2022 23:08

You are being a bit unreasonable, sorry. You chose to plan a pregnancy when you weren't engaged or married, while knowing you wanted to be married before having a baby. If being proposed to was important, why on earth didn't you walk away when you'd been a couple for 6 years and he hadn't asked you to marry him?

If you want to continue this relationship, then if I were you I'd broach the topic with him. You can always agree that he will then go off and choose a ring and do a 'proposal' within a couple of weeks of your conversation. That's sort of what I did - DH and I agreed fairly early in our relationship that we wanted to get married, and I showed him examples of engagement rings I liked, and then he went away and chose a ring (knowing my ring size and preferences already) and then proposed with that ring knowing we had already agreed and I would say yes.

If he refuses to marry you, then you can either stick around without marriage (but for goodness' sake give the baby your surname, and don't give up work or make yourself financially vulnerable), or you can walk away now.

Show quote history

The baby before proposal was simple really, he always knew when we would be TTC and it doesn’t happen overnight (not in our case certainly!) so every other month that went by I thought, ok, he’s cutting it a bit fine now but it will happen soon.

I didn’t have any massive importance on it happening before pregnancy tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:11

Rinatinabina · 06/05/2022 23:09

Protect yourself, make sure it’s 50/50 childcare (agree this before the baby is born), don’t let having a child impact your work.

i’m going to be blunt, watch what he does not what he says. If he wanted to marry you he’d have asked by now. I would work on the assumption no proposal is forthcoming and let it go. But make plans that prioritise your ability to care for your child yourself.

Thank you, that’s very good advice x

OP posts:
worraliberty · 06/05/2022 23:12

He's got everything he needs without being married.

You
Your home
A baby on the way

He tested the water by 'hinting' about marriage and you made it clear the answer would be yes.

Sorry but he doesn't need to marry you now and if he wanted to, you wouldn't be single 6 years on.

Original poster
AmelieBear · 06/05/2022 23:12

RedDiamond · 06/05/2022 23:09

I am so very glad you do own your own property. Give your beautiful baby YOUR name. In my very old fashioned opinion, if they want you they have to put a ring on it. (Lyrics probably in your head).

Show quote history

Hahaha!!! Very true! I’m doing the “oh oh oh” hand flipping dance in my head 😂

OP posts: