Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

[AmelieBear]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, when we first got together he used to hint about proposing all the time. He even asked me once when drunk and I said of course but only if he asked me sober :) that was 5 years ago now. I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic. We agreed a while ago now that as we had always wanted kids we would try after I turned 35, and now we have a little one on the way (I’m 16 weeks). I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes. We’ve also talked before about how much sense it makes legally/financially when we have both a baby and house. But it just never happens. I forget for ages, like I said I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day, but then something will happen, tonight it was 2 people on TV talking wistfully about their honeymoon, and I ended up in tears because I realised I will never get to have that proper baby free honeymoon I once just assumed I would get one day. Sometimes I convince myself he can’t love me anymore.

What do I do? Or how do I not feel shit? Or has anyone done a wedding and really really good honeymoon with a baby in tow?
should I just give up/get annoyed at him/give him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable to feel this crap?

You have 3 potential bits of leverage

• surname of baby


• moving from your flat


• your working status

Without the security of marriage don't give any of them up.

Furthermore you need to sort your finances out. Before you were pregnant, 50-50 was just about acceptable. Now you are having his baby it absolutely isn't.

I get it op.
im married but he didn’t make an effort to propose to me. He made an effort to propose to an ex though and now I’ve got 3 of his kids I hate him for this.

honestly, don’t wait for him op. I wish I broke up with my husband and found someone who wanted the same things as me.

The thing is, you're not getting that. It's evidently not happening.

So people are advising you based on how best to secure your position in the circumstances you're in, ie in a relationship with a man who isn't bothered for a traditional proposal. Which tbh I don't think is completely outrageous: you're not in a traditional setup, after all. There's no particular reason for your partner to want to retain the old fashioned proposal model when you've not done any of the rest of it.

What this means is first of all, having a sensible grown up decision about marriage being important to you now. Discuss your future prospects together. Hopefully this will include an agreement and a plan to get married, perhaps very soon.

And if it doesn't, then you ensure your other decisions are made with your unmarried status in mind. The baby's name is legally your decision and yours only, so make it clear that the father passing on his surname is a husband privilege. The flat is yours and yours only at the moment, think about whether that's the best way of doing it for you. Lastly, don't reduce your income to look after the baby.

Basically, by all means get a bit sad about the situation but then also take action. Don't allow your feelings of disappointment about not getting a particular proposal to disadvantage you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP 💐

My husband asked me to marry him after 6 years and we didn't get married for a couple of years after that. We have now been married 23 years. So he could still ask and it can still work.

Our situation was slightly different though and also had our kids after we were married.

I am of the opinion that forcing someone to marry you is not romantic at all and I am also a fuddy duddy and think you should be married before you have kids but that's just me. Anyone else can do whatever they want.

I was happy to wait because we were having so much fun which we knew would change when we had kids. He knew how I felt about marriage and kids so asked when we had had ample fun and were ready, grown up enough and could afford having kids.

We still have lots of fun but now we have two other people to share that fun.

I hope that it all works out for you OP.

Op, if you didnt have the wasted 6 years Im sure you would not want to marry who he actually is anyway.

he earns a lot more then you, but you share bills 50/50. That’s not acceptable. It means he has far more disposable income than you.

he wants to buy a house together, that HE pays the larger share of the mortgage on. Not a larger share of the bills, he said a larger share of the mortgage. He is protecting himself financially. Can you even buy a bigger place without selling your flat?

he knows marriage before babies was important to you, but it isnt for him and so it isnt happening. Im not saying he should be forced to marry you if it isnt what he wants, but that you backed down on what was important to you which you shouldnt have.

You need to now stop this getting worse for yourself. You need not both discuss what will actually happen now moving forward. he isnt a team player.

you keep your flat and protect it. Speak to a solicitor.
you discuss with dp the shared parental leave so youre not just impacting your career, as the child is both of yours.
you discuss the practicalities of the childcare, pick ups / drops off, sick days so they are equally shared.
you stay full time, or you both drop a day.
baby without discussion gets your surname as you are giving birth. (And if he does say youll get married eventually to try to manipulate you into giving baby his name, say he can at that point then change his to both of yours).

he earns a lot more then you, but you share bills 50/50. That’s not acceptable. It means he has far more disposable income than you.

Yeah, that's going to need looking at.

Perhaps she pays 50% because she believes in equality. Perhaps he does 50% of house work too. I multiple out earn my partner however I expect them to go 50:50 and me do half the house work too. In an equally partnership you need to contribute equally.

Anyway I wouldn't be giving up work or doing anything to sacrifice my career. I would be trying to maintain my financial independence. I would give the baby a double barrelled surname (only fair if he is contributing 50% of the child's costs). The lack of marriage is something the op could sort with a proposal themselves.

50/50 share of bills is not equality when one partner earns a lot more than the other. It keeps the lower earner with a less disposable income, far fewer choices. Especially when he is living in op’s property and she is pregnant woth his child.

instead of giving advice, maybe look at your behaviour that you think this is acceptable.

If you go down to 3 or 4 days a week will he be topping up your pension contributions? Because that’s a 20%+ reduction in what you’re saving because you’ve reduced hours to care for his child.

I multiple out earn my partner however I expect them to go 50:50 and me do half the house work too. In an equally partnership you need to contribute equally.

Is your partner carrying your child, going to take some maternity leave, statistically likely to experience some earning detriment from doing those things?

Yes, that!!

Or, just book a date at the register office and tell him when it's happening

I'm always astounded when I see this advice, like you can just paint someone into a corner with this

You need to put yours and the baby's needs first.

1. Keep your flat.
2. If he's only paying 50% of bills, get paperwork drawn up by solicitor stating he has NO claim on YOUR house.
3. Tell him he can buy a house on his own if he wants to, but you need to keep your 'financial independence' as you're the one who will have diminished earning power/pension etc.
4. Tell him baby will have YOUR surname, not double-barrelled.
5. Ensure you make him pay 50% of ALL baby things bought.(Inc nursery decoration/clothes/furniture/toys etc, as it costs a small fortune !)
6. Tell him you need it in writing that he will pay his pro rata share of childcare (NOT 50% !) and take 50% of the days off required for child illness/appointments/holidays etc (Because otherwise YOU'RE the one who'll get sidelined for promotions/pay rises etc because you have to take time off for dependents and not him, even though HE has exactly the same rights as you as a parent ! ) And that he WILL take his full 'paternity leave' allowance too.

He'll no doubt baulk at all that, and THAT'S when you tell him that's what he's expecting YOU to do FFS !!

So far in your relationship, he's had everything going HIS way, regardless of him knowing what's important to YOU. So now it's time you turned the tables and told HIM what YOU expect from him as the Father of your child !

You MUST protect yourself and your child. You simply cannot allow him to continue to 'call the shots' because what HE'S suggesting is financial suicide for YOU (but fantastic for HIM !).

Sorry, I meant to say he should pay 'pro rata' percentage of all baby's things, NOT 50% ! 😉

Stop waiting for a man to sort it out. Forget the romantic proposal and big wedding all of that is nonsense. Book a registry office and tell him that's what you are doing and you want to be married before the baby is born or it's having your surname. You don't get married for romantic reasons, a marriage is a legal contract that will protect you and that's it.
One of the biggest mistakes a woman can make is expecting romance from a man, they couldn't care less, they don't want to be a prince for a day.
Protect yourself, protect your child, get the piece of paper and worry about the honeymoon and celebration later.
You have zero rights as an unmarried partner, you don't get to inherit anything from him if he dies if there is no will.
I've seen it all, unmarried partners being chucked out of their homes, relatives swooping in and grabbing savings after death because there is no will,. Its awful.
Think with your head and never with your heart.

@AmelieBear does he contribute to the mortgage/bills/council tax or does he live in your flat for free? He earns double than you which means he keeps all his money instead of having to pay for the upkeep of a home!!

He's not going to propose. He keeps his salary to himself without having to go halves on everything. He also has a dc on the way without having to commit to marriage. Marriage won’t suit him at all, especially as he CAN have his cake AND eat it too.

Don't double barrel your DC’s name.

I wouldn't move/sell the flat, or give the baby his name, without being married first. Not just engaged but actually married.

However, with every post he sounds worse. If it was me, & we weren't married by the time the baby comes, that would be it & he would be out.

I also agree with the poster who suggested to keep your flat if/when you buy a place together. Very sensible.

Sorry OP that this is where you find yourself.

Reading through your posts I wonder how well you are communicating to him what you want - and whether you actually know what you want yourself:

I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic

I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes

I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day

The baby before proposal was simple really, he always knew when we would be TTC and it doesn’t happen overnight (not in our case certainly!) so every other month that went by I thought, ok, he’s cutting it a bit fine now but it will happen soon.

It sounds like marriage has been discussed, at best, as quite a nebulous "one day" thing that isn't hugely important to you. Then you agreed to TTC - did you not, at that point, have any further conversations about marriage? Like "yes we agreed we'd ttc at 35 but to be clear I want to be married before the baby is born?"

From your posts it sounds like not a lot of communicating is going on at all here, and you were silently hoping he'd have some epiphany whilst ttc that he "should" propose despite having not really talked about it, and now you're silently very upset that he hasn't.

As per PPs, I think you need to work out what it is you want. Because actually it sounds like you don't really have confidence in how he feels about you, that he does want to spend the rest of his life with you, which is why you've set this spontaneous romantic proposal as some sort of test to prove that he really does. When perhaps your gut is telling you something else. If that is the case, I'm afraid I don't think your gut instinct is going to change with a spontaneous proposal.

You need to do some long hard thinking here about what you really want here and why. Is it marriage (relatively easy to fix) or is it the spontaneous proposal (which realistically you probably won't get)? And if the latter is more important to you than the former, you really need to think about why that is.

It seems a bit of a radical suggestion but maybe he is absolutely devoted to the OP but genuinely doesn't want to get married. My husband and I only got married for visa reasons. I appreciate the legal reasons for marrying but the OPs partner might be 100% committed to the relationship as it is.

In some ways it seems very unromantic to get married to protect yourself in case you split than trusting each other in an unmarried relationship.

I think the OP should just ask her partner if she wants to get married. It seems very old fashioned to expect the man to propose.

Marriage IS a joint business venture. It is two people creating a legal partnership and operating as a legal entity.

You have pinned marriage with a romantic sign of love in a way that he has not. Either he is totally in love with you but doesn’t see a ‘wedding’ as the way to prove that, or he is ambivalent about you. But given that he is planning to buy a house with you, the conception of your baby was planned and deliberate, and he wants to have more children with you, he sounds committed.

So time to stop sighing on your chaise longue and have a straightforward grown up conversation about marriage and how you would like to get it done.

Names: irrelevant. Marriage doesn’t mean you have to change your name (and he might want to change to yours- ask him!) and / or give the baby his name. I like kids having a surname from each parent. Mine have.

If that's what matters to you then find someone else? But if you're happy, what's the problem?
Honestly, marriage and weddings are a lot of faff and expense now, and the whole idea is quite old fashioned. I get why a lot of people aren't keen. It's no reflection of a lack of love. I have a lot of friends in very long term relationships with kids and who own houses together who aren't married. They've got better ways to spend their time and money, and have no desire to 'own' each other. I admire them!

In some ways it seems very unromantic to get married to protect yourself in case you split than trusting each other in an unmarried relationship.

That attitude is so unhelpful to women.

Personally I find the fact that my partner values my welfare and financial security highly enough to engage in the legal contract that best protects them to be exceptionally romantic.

I wish every person who's partner doesn't want to get married and they are hoping they will would read this

I could have posted this years ago. Had a baby lived together. 3 years on no intention of marrying. His mum and dad were married and split up they both went on to have partners and never remarried and both those relationships lasting 40 years plus. He thought the relationship was the important part not the marriage. I didn't push him but I simply said I would like to be married. After 6 years he proposed and has been the most amazing husband and father. When we got together I had money from a flat and he didn't. We pooled everything. He has worked hard for us for 24 years. Take a lot of this thread with pinch of salt. Not wanting to marry doesn't make you a bad person. My brother and his partner have an amazing life, unmarried . Its not for everyone what you have to do is ask if it's a deal breaker for you.

Getting married is not massively expensive and gives people legal rights and protections. It isn't about 'owning' - how ridiculous. If you love your partner enough to have children with them you should love them enough to protect them legally as well.