Page 11 | Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

AmelieBear · 2022-05-06T21:41:46+00:00

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, when we first got together he used to hint about proposing all the time. He even asked me once when drunk and I said of course but only if he asked me sober :) that was 5 years ago now. I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic. We agreed a while ago now that as we had always wanted kids we would try after I turned 35, and now we have a little one on the way (I’m 16 weeks). I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes. We’ve also talked before about how much sense it makes legally/financially when we have both a baby and house. But it just never happens. I forget for ages, like I said I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day, but then something will happen, tonight it was 2 people on TV talking wistfully about their honeymoon, and I ended up in tears because I realised I will never get to have that proper baby free honeymoon I once just assumed I would get one day. Sometimes I convince myself he can’t love me anymore. What do I do? Or how do I not feel shit? Or has anyone done a wedding and really really good honeymoon with a baby in tow? should I just give up/get annoyed at him/give him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable to feel this crap?

Tormenteddd · 08/05/2022 18:31

Marriage isn’t actually about romance though is it. Romantic proposals are for films.

Either you think you are better married or not.

Book a date make it into a romantic story in your head, book a honeymoon. Show up. Job done. Summer wedding it is.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/05/2022 18:35

It’s literally just that he’s being a perfectionist about proposing and he is the worst procrastinator in all aspects of life.

This is absolute bollocks and I'm sorry that you've fallen for it. If the man wanted to propose he would have done. If he wanted to get married you would be doing that instead of a civil partnership.

How many more ways can a man show that he does not want to get married.

As long as you are happy with this OP, crack on. Just go into it with your eyes open.

Whatonearth07957 · 08/05/2022 18:59

Great thread and so pleased you've found a solution.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 08/05/2022 19:24

Gosh you sound in denial. It's sad. If he loved you and was committed to you marriage would be no bother at all
A civil partnership is neither here nor there and reeks of him just kicking the can down the road

PaddlingLikeADuck · 08/05/2022 19:52

It offers the same legal protections. But apparently doesn't require the staging of a perfect moment that takes over 6 years to plan.

So basically he’s happy to legally protect her but he doesn’t want to say he’s married to her.

Well OP, if that’s a good result in your eyes then congratulations I guess.

Ps) 2.5 years into mine and DH’s relationship he decided he wanted to marry me and so he asked me. It really is that easy. He proposed in our living room and it was perfect.

Your DP simply doesn’t want to get married to you and deep down you know that.

BadLad · 09/05/2022 03:13

PaddlingLikeADuck · 08/05/2022 16:55

Im confused as to why there has profuse congratulating going on? Have I missed something?

How is a civil partnership the same level of commitment as marriage? (I’m honestly not being goady, I genuinely am interested in it’s similarities and differences to marriage).

This is the difference.

Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

Womanface · 09/05/2022 06:04

He doesn’t get to be “coy” about it when you’re about to go through major upheaval physically and mentally having a baby

TELL him you want to get married and without that the baby will have your name.

I found myself pregnant but we had already talked about marriage in an abstract kind of way. We got married with six weeks notice. These things suddenly become so important when you’re having a baby. I was surprised at my depth of feelings about it and we eloped for efficiency.

theres no point in being shy about it when you’re in this situation. Tell him what you need. Propose. Make it happen.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 09/05/2022 06:48

So, he gets more of a claim to op's flat, and op still isnt married.

how is this is win?

Sushi7 · 09/05/2022 07:51

@AmelieBear why do you need a proposal? You can’t ask someone to propose and then pretend to excitedly say yes. Just go to the registry office (as planned) but opt for a marriage instead of a civil partnership. You don’t need a big proposal and wedding. Your vows and legal title of husband and wife are enough. I don’t really know the difference between marriage and civil partnership but I do know that you can’t legally call yourself a wife.

Also how much is your mortgage per month? Does your OH contribute financially to anything else? He earns double than you and is living practically rent free because of you. He’s living the dream - loads of money and zero responsibilities.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 09/05/2022 08:07

Poor op literally a whole thread about how he needs to marry her for her own protection. So she looks at civil partnership to do just that and now she is accepting crumbs. The guy might not want to get married, if he is a good guy and treats her well and they put things in place surely that's more important. She could marry someone else tomorrow who turns out to be a right arsehole.

TeenPlusCat · 09/05/2022 08:17

Bednobsbroomsticks · 09/05/2022 08:07

Poor op literally a whole thread about how he needs to marry her for her own protection. So she looks at civil partnership to do just that and now she is accepting crumbs. The guy might not want to get married, if he is a good guy and treats her well and they put things in place surely that's more important. She could marry someone else tomorrow who turns out to be a right arsehole.

I partly agree. However the OP has indicated that she still expects to get married even having done the civil partnership; which apparently means she would have to cancel the CP first before marriage.

If he doesn't want to get married he should say so, not keep stringing her along with promises of a perfect proposal that he hasn't managed in 6 years.

The legal protections are great, but does the OP want to be tied to someone who won't marry her? That's what she needs to sort out.

burnoutbabe · 09/05/2022 08:31

It's good to be civil partners for the protection but then

A) you can't then get married without a ton of hassle/dissolution and cost

B) you'll have to explain to everyone why you are civil partners and not married. And you want married and call him husband.

It's a step but I'd probably say to him if he is happy to cp then just marry. There is no difference beyond terms used (and adultery not a separate reason to dissolve)

MalagaNights · 09/05/2022 09:36

Civil partnership for people who don't want to be married but who do want legal protection is a rational decision.

But to choose it because you're still waiting after 6 years for a perfect moment proposal of marriage is just ridiculous.

I really cannot imagine how this 'moment' could possibly be romantic now anyway?

You need to tell your DP that he's missed his 'moment' and now you need to just know if he wants to get married, and if he does just fricking do it.
That would be romantic.

If he doesn't but you're staying with him, do the civil partnership.
If you both want that, that's romantic too.

Sharrowgirl · 09/05/2022 11:44

PaddlingLikeADuck · 08/05/2022 16:55

Im confused as to why there has profuse congratulating going on? Have I missed something?

How is a civil partnership the same level of commitment as marriage? (I’m honestly not being goady, I genuinely am interested in it’s similarities and differences to marriage).

It gives all the same legal protections as marriage but without any of the ‘romantic’ elements - you don’t have to have a ceremony, or say any vows to each other, for instance. It’s just literally filling in some forms in front of a couple of witnesses.

RitaFaircloughsWig · 09/05/2022 11:59

AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 09:07

It’s literally just that he’s being a perfectionist about proposing and he is the worst procrastinator in all aspects of life. It really isn’t as some people have assumed on here, that he is not willing to commit. I think in some cases people have really projected their bad experiences here.

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but he isn't willing to commit? You seem to have talked yourself round on this thread.

poetryandwine · 09/05/2022 14:14

OP,

If a CP will make you happy then I am happy for you. But it is usually for people who have opposition in principle to marriage. A guy who can’t find right right time to propose doesn’t sound like one of them.

More urgently, you cannot apply to dissolve a civil partnership until one year from its beginning, and after applying there is a 20 week cooling off period before dissolution can proceed. You both have to certify that irreconcilable differences are behind the dissolution. This is really not a stepping stone to marriage. Please know what you want and hold true to yourself

altmember · 09/05/2022 16:54

AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:34

UPDATE We’re going to the registry office to
sort a civil partnership next week. Meaning he can still propose and we can get married in future.

Marriage and civil partnership are essentially the same thing. It's pointless getting a civil partnership to then get divorced and remarried again. Might as well just do a registry office marriage now.

NalashixTerashkova · 09/05/2022 17:06

altmember · 09/05/2022 16:54

Marriage and civil partnership are essentially the same thing. It's pointless getting a civil partnership to then get divorced and remarried again. Might as well just do a registry office marriage now.

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I think the issue is that she just can't get her boyfriend down the aisle to marry her for love nor money. Not happening.

Would you have to lie to dissolve a civil partnership OP? And claim the relationship has broken down irretrievably? Would you be open to lying to the authorities?

I suspect now some of the relief has worn off at your boyfriend agreeing reluctantly to a civil partnership (because he cba with proposing and doesn't want to marry) has worn off and you're waking up today seeing it with different eyes and realising how incredibly foolish it would be to accept this lukewarm offer and not insist on marriage.

BornBlonde · 09/05/2022 20:05

I'm concerned that during the 6 month dissolution period you will lose the rights you want to gain?

whenwilliwillibefamous · 09/05/2022 20:59

OP, I wouldn't worry toooooo much about CP Vs marriage. Plenty of people have a legal registry office ceremony in 5 minutes and have the weddingy-wedding another time with a celebrant and lots of hoopla. I don't see why that couldn't happen here.

THAT SAID...
Pity though your DP doesn't have a friend/brother /sister/uncle who could sit him down and tell him to get a grip.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/marriage-and-civil-partnership-in-england-and-wales/marriage-and-civil-partnership-in-england-and-wales-accessible-version
The above sets out the differences between marriage and CP and it would be daft to get tripped over by something (eg you end up travelling to a foreign country that DOESN'T treat them the same) just because your DP is being an eejit in this regard.

If I were his friend I would say, "If she haemorrhages in childbirth and gets wheeled away clinging to life by a thread, do you want to be thinking 'that proposal would have been great if I'd actually fecking done it, never mind I can deliver it to her tombstone'?!"

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/05/2022 21:16

AmelieBear · 08/05/2022 06:34

UPDATE We’re going to the registry office to
sort a civil partnership next week. Meaning he can still propose and we can get married in future.

What a sensible thing to do - really cheering to see this update, well done!

OrangeLampshade78 · 09/05/2022 22:55

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/05/2022 21:16

What a sensible thing to do - really cheering to see this update, well done!

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Oh dear, read the thread!

NalashixTerashkova · 10/05/2022 08:40

whenwilliwillibefamous · 09/05/2022 20:59

OP, I wouldn't worry toooooo much about CP Vs marriage. Plenty of people have a legal registry office ceremony in 5 minutes and have the weddingy-wedding another time with a celebrant and lots of hoopla. I don't see why that couldn't happen here.

THAT SAID...
Pity though your DP doesn't have a friend/brother /sister/uncle who could sit him down and tell him to get a grip.
www.gov.uk/government/publications/marriage-and-civil-partnership-in-england-and-wales/marriage-and-civil-partnership-in-england-and-wales-accessible-version
The above sets out the differences between marriage and CP and it would be daft to get tripped over by something (eg you end up travelling to a foreign country that DOESN'T treat them the same) just because your DP is being an eejit in this regard.

If I were his friend I would say, "If she haemorrhages in childbirth and gets wheeled away clinging to life by a thread, do you want to be thinking 'that proposal would have been great if I'd actually fecking done it, never mind I can deliver it to her tombstone'?!"

Because you can't convert a CP into a marriage without formally dissolving the CP. If they have a CP then sure, later they can have a marriage ceremony if they like, but they still won't be married.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/05/2022 09:48

I don't know if anyone's noticed, but the OP seems to have gone ... perhaps because the vast majority of responses didn't tell her what she wanted to hear?

MalagaNights · 10/05/2022 11:05

I'm sure this is all very painful and difficult for the OP to consider.

It's a hard position to be in. I hope she gets the resolution she hopes for.