Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

[AmelieBear]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, when we first got together he used to hint about proposing all the time. He even asked me once when drunk and I said of course but only if he asked me sober :) that was 5 years ago now. I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic. We agreed a while ago now that as we had always wanted kids we would try after I turned 35, and now we have a little one on the way (I’m 16 weeks). I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes. We’ve also talked before about how much sense it makes legally/financially when we have both a baby and house. But it just never happens. I forget for ages, like I said I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day, but then something will happen, tonight it was 2 people on TV talking wistfully about their honeymoon, and I ended up in tears because I realised I will never get to have that proper baby free honeymoon I once just assumed I would get one day. Sometimes I convince myself he can’t love me anymore.

What do I do? Or how do I not feel shit? Or has anyone done a wedding and really really good honeymoon with a baby in tow?
should I just give up/get annoyed at him/give him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable to feel this crap?

Also I am very sorry OP, it must be very disappointing but don’t give it anymore headspace, it’ll just eat you up. Focus on agreeing childcare etc for when you go back to work, set out your expectations.

😞

❤️ Thank you. I will

How do your finances work at the moment? How will they work once the baby is here?

Well at least you have a home for yourself and the baby if the worst happens.

Don't give the baby a different surname to yourself - even a double barrelled one. It's confusing as hell when your child is at school/medical appointments, and it can also have implications when travelling if your child has a different surname to you. If he wants to use his surname, then you get married.

After six years, a man knows if they want to marry their girlfriend. They know quite quickly, actually. It's a shame you've allowed this to carry on for so long, and it's a damn shame you are now pregnant with absolutely zero protection. You have no cards to play, sadly. He gets everything he wants with no commitment or responsibility.

I get it OP and I know how it hurts. Mine took a decade to propose, I don’t know why. I guess he just didn’t have much interest in being married. I was very sad about it for the last few years as I watched all my friends have terribly romantic whirlwind romances and weddings.

Although mine did eventually propose, I, like you, had to say goodbye to the idea of a surprise spontaneous romantic proposal. The time for that passed for me somewhere around year 5.

My suggestion is that you have a cry, accept that your dream of a romantic proposal is over, and take a little time to be angry with him inside your head for not giving you that dream. Then, put that behind you and decide what to build next. You’re having a baby together, it’s in your interest to be married. I would say to him that you’ve talked about marriage in the past and you want to be married before the baby is born, so what kind of wedding does he want, registry or church?

But don’t wait for the romantic proposal.

And whatever you do, do not sell your flat.

What you want is a public declaration of love & that's fair enough.

I arm-twisted a proposal out of my DH & I still don't feel good about it. However, here we are, 22 years later, still happy. 😁

Stop pussy-footing about...

OP

I feel so sorry for you and posters like you.

6 years and he has moved into your home, earning more than you.

No commitment to you. At all.

You desperate for a baby, obviously, giving up on every dream and hope for this half arsed waster.

I am decades older than you with precious daughters and I would be so devastated if my darling girls would settle for so, so little.

He is not worthy of you.
You are completely wasting your time and life on him.

He is not even vaguely committed to you.

Living in your house, unmarried, he will be gone the first time anything even vaguely gives him the eye.🙄

He has wasted 6 of your years and continues to do so.🤷‍♀️

Double barrelled name?

My arse.

🙄

You will bitterly regret these years where you gave up SO MUCH for SO LITTLE to this absolute waster.

I mean it so kindly but you really need to wobble and wonder why your relationship bar is so low.

We teach people how to treat us.

What have you taught him..?

That you will be used. That's all.

For goodness sake, find some self respect and do NOT burden your child with his name.

Please help yourself.

I feel genuinely sorry that you clearly don't see your value.

You deserve better.

I think you need to have a Frank and honest conversation with him about exactly what you want.
If you cant be honest and communicate then a marriage will never work anyway.
Most people I know haven't got engaged before about 7 years together. My best friend just got engaged after 10 years and 2 kids.
For some people marriage isn't important really so it's more that they do it because the other person wants it.
Figure out if he wants to be married and go from there.

I also think the baby should have just your name. Aside from reasons of practicality, sadly I agree with PPs who say that your DP is playing you. Possibly for reasons just to do with his own psyche, but nevertheless. It has taken a toll on your self respect.

We don’t need answers, but : Does his idea of financial fairness in the relationship reflect that he should be making a greater contribution? Has he initiated conversations about topping up your pension from his savings during ML? How does he expect the DC to be financially supported? Will he be contributing an income based proportion? (IMO joint finances is one of the nice things about marriage, though I realise that other couples prefer other arrangements)

In short, is he acting like someone who wants the best for you, or will his actions - in addition to the marriage question - gnaw at you? You have described this guy as a rather cruel tease, and the main reason I think your DC should have your name alone is that when you say ‘Enough already’ you will have the comfort of being a named unit with your child.

Your name only because to be frank that’s about the only ammunition you have. For some reason men are very hung up on their DC having their name.

No. It’s traditional for children to have their mothers name. They only have their fathers name if he is married to their mother. If you want marriage do not budge on this If he wants baby to have his name he knows what he can do.

Do NOT buy a property with him this year if you're not married. Keep the apartment you own.

On a practical note, do you have wills? Death in service going to each other? Life insurance? You need those things if you live together and have a child.

6 years in and a baby on the way, it's time to give up on romantic proposal dreams I'm afraid.

Time to take control, be a grown up and make some decisions.

You tell him clearly why you want to be married and find out his position. No more trying to guess what he's thinking, you find out so you can plan.
If he's not interested in marriage, you decide if you can live with that long term.

Either way if no marriage, you tell him the baby will have your name and you will need to continue to work and you'll need to look at child care and investment to protect yourself.

If does want to marry the mother of his child it's time to bloody well say so, so you can jointly organise it.

Either way: time to let go of the suprise proposal nonsense. Yes a bit sad maybe, but you've got bigger fish to fry now.
Wake up.

Either you ask him, and get it done or stop. This wistful it has to mean something and must be romantic bit kind of makes you sound like a 13 year old. You value marriage, he doesn't. You've decided to have a child, but he's not bothered if you're married or not. If you are do something about it.

Am I the only one that cringes when someone is upset over not getting a 'proposal' yet? Surely not.
What is it you want OP? A 'proposal' which really means nothing on its own or when forced or to marry the father of your baby? Have the conversation and figure out if its on the cards or not and plan when to do it.
The 'proposal' means nothing if you're just going to be 'engaged' for the next 10 years because the 'party' isn't forthcoming after the 'proposal' 🤷‍♀️

How ça you have had a talk about baby, but not marrying?
in the past marriage was ‘assumed’, not anymore. Which is why I’ve told DP that I expect Marriage by X deadline, if not married by then either to the registry office or I’m leaving.

But surely you see it’s a bit too late now to be wondering if he’s in it for the long haul?

Why do you want the proposal so badly?

I'm not really into proposals/marriage/weddings/bits of paper from the state, but I recognise the social and legal implications of doing those things. So it seems do both of you.

But you (both) arent getting married because you want him to give you a traditional proposal, cos otherwise, you would just sigh and accept it as one of those annoying things you had to organise, like the car insurance.

But then marriage isnt like car insurance cos there are lots of emotions involved, lots of trust, expectations, hopes, fears and all that jazz. You mention that he proposed to you drunk once, but you asked him to repeat it when sober - I can see him feeling that any repeat must be perfect cos its become a big thing.

So it seems like you are both stuck, and cant take the next step together because there is this huge emotional blocker, you felt humiliated that he did not propose seriously, and he felt humiliated that you did not accept. And you were both disappointed in what happened.

Seems like you have three choices

• sidestep the emotional blocker - book the registry office, hire him a suit, buy a nice dress and leave the paperwork pinned to the fridge


• accept the emotional blocker - recognise that you are not willing to be vulnerable to disappointment and humiliation, get your ducks ready to line up at a moments notice and graduly try to edge past it.


• attack the emotional blocker - decide that you are willing to be vulnerable - explain to him what the proposal means to you and all the emotional meaning you have invested in it, in the hope that he does the same.

None of the options are wrong, you just need to pick the right one for you.

FFS just tell him you want to get married before the baby comes. Stop simpering and waiting around for some romantic down on one knee moment from him. Be an adult and get it sorted. It's a legal arrangement, the rest is just fluff.

The stuff about the name is rubbish. I don’t have the same name as my DC , now adult, and it has never caused any problems with school, medical appointments or while travelling. If you don’t want to give the baby his surname, for many valid reasons, that’s one thing, but don’t let statements like the one above have any influence.

The other question I have, which I wonder about every single time someone is upset about a 'proposal' but have children, is that you are now tied together forever. No marriage, divorce etc will ever change that. You have chosen to tie yourselves to each other from now on. Doesn't that make a 'proposal' completely redundant?