Sad about no proposal - 6 years and baby on the way

[AmelieBear]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years, when we first got together he used to hint about proposing all the time. He even asked me once when drunk and I said of course but only if he asked me sober :) that was 5 years ago now. I have always said to him I would only want him to propose just to know he meant it/more romantic. We agreed a while ago now that as we had always wanted kids we would try after I turned 35, and now we have a little one on the way (I’m 16 weeks). I’ve never been desperate for marriage but always made it clear if he asked me I would say yes. We’ve also talked before about how much sense it makes legally/financially when we have both a baby and house. But it just never happens. I forget for ages, like I said I was never crazy for a wedding but I just assumed we would naturally have a low key one one day, but then something will happen, tonight it was 2 people on TV talking wistfully about their honeymoon, and I ended up in tears because I realised I will never get to have that proper baby free honeymoon I once just assumed I would get one day. Sometimes I convince myself he can’t love me anymore.

What do I do? Or how do I not feel shit? Or has anyone done a wedding and really really good honeymoon with a baby in tow?
should I just give up/get annoyed at him/give him an ultimatum? Am I being unreasonable to feel this crap?

Reading your post, reminds me so much of how I felt. My previously relationship was just shy of 10 years and I longed for marriage, u felt like it was the next step in commiting. We lived together majority of that time, shared all finances etc, however it never really was on the table for him, even though I did mention it ALOT. Tbh I really wanted married before kids, as that was my ideal view of family, (one I didn't have growing up) all our names the same etc. As time went on I gave up pestering him and we decided to try for kids, as both were in good places with work etc suprisingly we fell pregnant within a month of removing contraception. Everyone was over the moon for us, looked like perfect family making their next step. My ex knew how much marriage meant so finally put his feelings aside and proposed when I was 4 months pregnant, and we booked wedding few month after. This was to be on our 10 year anniversary. I finally had everything I wanted but it didn't feel right, not something we were over joyed about but more like he was just doing it to please, didn't take interest in anything.. unfortunately new baby and marriage got too much for him and while working away had an affair with a much younger girl, in his words he had no responsibilities and she treated him like a king 🤦🏻‍♀️ luckily we hadn't booked much for wedding so easy to cancel, but was gutting being so close and failing, sometimes I wish we didn't bother. Felt like trying to fix something that wasn't broken, the changes ended our relationship. I was left alone with 6 month old baby, now feeling I will never marry because of his actions and how I feel about trust etc.
So my best advise is look back evaluate your life/relationship, weight pros and cons and communicate feelings. Once you have everything clear then make decision on moving forward x

I second this. My son has his dads name, I agreed to this as I know from personal experiences with my dad, it means a lot to carry it through generations. We included my dad/brothers first name, his dads grandads second name (he had no boys to carry it in and was his dads middle name) then his dads surname. I was happy with this as he had links to both sides and I know those family members involved loved it, and are so appreciative that we included them. We were together and I hoped we would get married, however it didn't work out and now we're separated.
Knowing I will never have same second name as my son is a horrible feeling, mainly when talking about family etc, he's only 5 and gets confused about it.
Other that personal opinion it hasn't caused us any problems, nursery/doctors etc are very aware families are different now. I've also flew with him and no one questioned it, although I was super prepared. It's just your luck as I was stopped when flying with my single dad and two brothers, all same second name, but they took us aside as they expected kidnapping lol so choose a name that you want, x

You remind me of myself. I wanted the proposal and a child free wedding. I kind of got one but not the other. No matter how many conversations we had nothing changed.
Then one day he showed the photo if some couple with kids getting married and I told him I didn't really saw the point post kids (at least not huge wedding). Then I got sad because I knew I'd never have a kid free wedding and that he really didn't care about getting married..

We decided to get married but he was do disengaged, it was not great for the relationship. Then he messed up in our relationship and then his attitude magically changed.

We ended having a lovely wedding and as much as it was a terrible financial decision for me, I don't regret it

Just wanted to add... The surname thing is complete nonsense so just do whatever you're comfortable with.

We split things 50/50. He earns double what I do and of course when I am on maternity leave that will be a significant difference. He wants to move out of my one bed flat and into a house we have a joint mortgage on. The mortgage payments on my flat are v low now and obviously low enough for me to afford alone as I used to live alone. He’s said he’ll pay more of the mortgage when we move. I’m not giving up work as neither of us wants that but may go down to 3-4 days per week

he will do it “one day”

'One day' never comes. It is a way of brushing the subject to one side without saying 'I don't want to'

💐💐💐

He significantly out earns you and you split all the bills 50/50? He’s not a keeper.

You split 50/50 when he earns double? I'd want that re looking at. Get it crystal clear for maternity leave and here and now.

Don’t cut your hours. Please don’t.

This is almost word for word what I was going to write. Plus I feel very strongly that if a man isn't prepared to marry the mother of his children he doesn't deserve to pass his surname to them.

I'm gobsmacked how many unmarried women give so much for so little; they bear children, put themselves in precarious financial situations (work, home, pension, etc), and often do the lions share of the drudge work like 1950s house-wives, whilst (many of) their partners sacrifice fuck all apart from some semen and a few sleepless nights. And on top of that the women give their kids these men's surnames 🙄Why!?

"He wants to move out of my one bed flat and into a house we have a joint mortgage on. The mortgage payments on my flat are v low now and obviously low enough for me to afford alone as I used to live alone"

@AmelieBear I was in a similar situation and ignored sensible advice to protect myself properly. So I ended up selling my home that I'd had for many years, which only had a tiny amount left on the mortgage, to buy a more expensive place with my then partner. When we split, instead of me being able to continue with my easily affordable mortgage I'd had before, I had a huge mortgage and had lost thousands. I've never made up the money I lost because of my poor decision. Please don't be an idiot like me, keep your flat even if you buy a place with your partner, and always put your financial safety first.

@CJsGoldfish perhaps you could tell that to the women who collectively had the accrued unpaid child maintenance debt to them wiped in the past few years? A cool £10b total and that’s only the cms measured amount over a certain number of years. That’s the amount men haven’t paid in maintenance- marriage entitles a woman to a share of assets and pension, just having a baby entitles a woman to some child maintenance that might never be paid.

Your name only op, if you’re not married. You can say very nicely I’ve thought about it again and we can change it to double barrelled if we get married. Ypur description of the finances is not clear - you would keep your flat and rent it out? When you say he would pay more you need to work that out more clearly- I believe no woman should go through her personal savings for funding maternity leave while their partner just chips in a bit more of his available cash, that’s not teamwork.

What’s he getting out of marriage?
youhave handed it all to him on a plate without the ring ,he’s nothing to gain now from marriage,he’s already got it all.
personally I’d walk ,rather than sit around waiting,he’s had 6 years to marry you if he really wanted to

You are sad about an outdated romantic notion when your future financial security is on the line.

You have had excellent advice. Look after no.1. You have no idea how common it is for women to be screwed over in this situation.

Do NOT overcommit financially for a bigger property. Take separate legal advice.

As a PP said. Look at what he does, not what he says he'll do.

OP - deep deep down, do you just want a proposal or to actually BE married - with all the legal and financial implications that entails? Eg he has a claim on your current property.

As PP, give baby your surname. Nothing wrong with his surname being a middle name but you don't need to double barrel it. I don't think you need to discuss it, just announce that that is what's happening.

Shocked that he is earning double but you are sharing costs 50:50. Get that sorted NOW.

If he wants a bigger property, is he currently looking, or is that just "words" too?

You should not be paying 50% if he earns double.

We got married when DD was 3 months old. We had an amazing day and I think it was a good age (before she was crawling/ walking etc). She’s 2 now though and I also think it would of been lovely to have her there at this age so don’t worry about getting married with a child. Our honeymoon was cancelled due to covid so ended up having a UK break but I think at that age the honeymoon would of still been great, we also had family offer to watch her whilst we went on honeymoon (could be an option if your child was abit older).
Saying that if after 6 years he doesn’t even bring it up anymore I’m not sure he’s going to propose. Could you just talk to him honestly about it? Also the fact you’ve said you will double barrel the surname and I’m guessing he’s fine with this, sounds like he isn’t planning on proposing.

Marriage isn’t always the answer.Two of my friends have had messy divorces and horrible financial situations. One where they are still paying off their ex husbands debts and another whose ex husband quit his job when they split and didn’t pay anything towards the child. I think it is much more about the man than the marriage.

Don't go down to 3/4 days a week. Work full time and ensure that the childcare bill is split fairly. OP, please don't screw up your career without the financial security of marriage. Seriously, if he wants a traditional set-up with him working full time and you doing more of the childcare and housework, then he needs to propose to you.

I think you have posted about this before. And it seems that nothing has changed.

It's hard to let go of a dream, isn't it? Which is all that a fake future is

You need to deal with the reality, which is that he's not proposed. So please make sure you do not become financially dependent on him. You are not the married family unit, you are two single people. That's a comment on the legality of your situation, not about the state of your relationship. But you don't seem happy right now, do you?

Do not sell your flat.
Do not go part time
Do not double barrel name.

This is a recipe for trouble. Telling him you won't be doing the above until you have got married.

You need to look past the romantic gesture part. A friend’s husband has just left her after 26 years together and 3 kids; they never married. He (very well off) has already stated she (works part-time) won’t be getting any money from him.

It’s hard to imagine how having children impacts your life and earning possibilities as a woman, but it does and you need to protect yourself.

Oh wow, yes I can see why I remind you of yourself, I relate to a lot of what you said. Thank you x

I’ve been thinking of doing this. I think I will. Or at least say if we don’t get married I’m keeping my flat

It doesn’t sound like he’s going to propose; why would he when he has everything he wants already and he risks his own financial security by marrying you in the event of a divorce? Sounds like you need a proper conversation about finances and marriage; you’re an adult woman not a teenager dreaming of a perfect proposal- think about your future and discuss it properly