OP I hear you. I don’t think it’s as bad as some posters are saying. But agree you need to protect your interests.
i also got pregnant at 35 without being married. I was clear with myself I wanted children and wasn’t prepared to risk not meeting someone else.
baby had thenDPs surname, (my surname as a middle name) something I later regretted and would do differently.
DP was also the higher earner (though not by much) he was out off marriage by combo of
- social anxiety (he’s an introvert) and pressure (his very pushy parents would have wanted to run a big day
- negative attitudes in his industry. He works in financial services, very misogynyist and full of men with stories about how much divorce has cost them.
we had a rocky time as new parents. I seriously considered leaving him. I never verbalised it but could easily have done so. I owned my own place too and also have a well paying career. I’m pretty sure he realised I could walk away and cope just fine and that realisation made him make much more of an effort. Having your own home and income are hugely imprimant. Money IS power.
when we moved, I kept own flat and he put in all the equity. His first suggestion was house in his name and I rented from him. I refused said I’d never rent at this stage in my life. I’m on the deeds and mortgage. We verbally agreed the share if we split would be 70 (him) / 30 (me) so I’d still get the equity increase on the share of mortgage I paid. He meant to make this a legal agreement but never got around to it. So if we’d split I could (and maybe would) have taken 50% of the equity he put in.
we split bills 2:1 (him to me) reflecting our relative earning levels. He paid all rent / bills/ mortgage while I was on maternity leave. So my mat pay was for my day to day only.
we did get married a couple of years back after 10 years together.
what shifted him
- a friend (in FS of course!) pointed out his financial exposure was the same now married or not.
- we were expecting no 2 (thought to get there, ivf, he paid most costs) and he was pressing to get the kids christened as it was the ‘traditional’ thing to do. I said if traditional mattered the first traditional thing to tick off was getting married. He agreed.
so I organised a wedding (with him now confident enough to ignore his parents interfering).
long after the venue was booked he surprised me with a very romantic proposal.
he never made me feel financially vulnerable. Eg when we bought, he accepted my refusal to rent immediately. He rushed to cover all major costs when I was on Mat leave.
He showed he loved me in other non financial ways.
he is now my DH and we’re happy.