Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my mind - Sex row

283 replies

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 09:51

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

OP posts:
ethelredonagoodday · 05/05/2022 09:53

He sounds very hard work OP. I hope your appointment goes well, despite him!

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 09:57

Thank you, the appointment was yesterday and went as well as these things can, big waiting list, lots of steps to treatment etc etc. I feel very positive about it though.

OP posts:
CosmopolitanPlease · 05/05/2022 09:58

You're not in the wrong and you deserve better. Hope your appointment goes well Daffodil

YouAreNotBatman · 05/05/2022 10:00

He’s pathetic, and weird and creepy.

And ”only when you want it”?
Well yes, sex require a consent.
So of course it SHOUL BE when you (and him) want it.

Has he always been this horrible, about sex I mean?

And yes, he should confort you when you are scared, that’s the whole point of having a partner.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:06

Well that was the point I was trying to make, it's perfectly normal and absolutely standard to only have sex when both partners want it.

His point being he always wants it (Untrue) and would never say no to me (I can think of several occasions he has).

It's not like we don't have sex either. We have a lot so I don't know why he HAD to raise the issue at that point when I needed support.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2022 10:10

by definition, you need to “want it” to give true consent

if you don’t want it, you are not consenting

what is his solution ? Rape ?

PowerfulWombSpaceRespector · 05/05/2022 10:11

It's not like we don't have sex either. We have a lot so I don't know why he HAD to raise the issue at that point when I needed support

Being cynical I would say he sees your relationship as transactional - "if I give her support she will give me sex, except she hasn't so I won't" He thinks a support token should be exchanged for a sex one, in his eyes you weren't in 'credit', so he wasn't going to give you any support.

Snowraingain · 05/05/2022 10:14

Nothing as sexy as a complaining man. He’s wrong and you’re right. Make it very clear how much he has upset you and that he is very wrong.
He needs to apologise.
I’m pleased your appointment went well.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:17

He thinks I am being ridiculous and he won't bother trying to smooth things over again.

I am refusing to brush it under the carpet unless he acknowledges that he was a bit shit and apologies.

Even if we hadn't had sex for 3 months and I said Eww no thanks every time he touched me, I still don't think it was an appropriate time to bring it up and have a row about it. But facts are we have a very active sex life.

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 05/05/2022 10:20

So he didn't have sex for 2 nights and had a tantrum about it? How unattractive

MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 10:24

Who's counting the amount of times you have sex?

That seems a bit of a red flag to me. If you're always keen and enthusiastic, counting wouldn't be on your mind..

But that's beside the point.

Enthusiastic consent is the only consent imo. everything else is no consent.

Bristlenose · 05/05/2022 10:25

He sounds like a dick.

Do you plan on having children with this unsupportive, selfish individual?

Merryoldgoat · 05/05/2022 10:25

this is no basis for a happy relationship. I don’t know how you cope with this nonsense.

Thursday37 · 05/05/2022 10:27

Jesus Christ. What on earth do you see in him? And that “rule” is bloody awful. It is not 1950z Do you have children? Because if you don’t, don’t. Your life will be miserable.

WhoWants2Know · 05/05/2022 10:28

A 2 day rule? What the fuck did I just read?

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:29

I keep track because when he says oh you always say no, or we never have sex, it's nice that I can confidently tell him he is talking out of his backside. Once he has got that idea in his head he is very convincing and if I didn't keep track I would actually believe him.

Nope no children together. I already have three and have absolutely no desire to go back to the baby stages whatesoever. I am almost free of childcare and school runs!

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 10:30

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it.

I hadn't seen this...

This is bizarre and I worry who has pushed this rule.

I do not like this man. He is from the lands of Utter Bellendia.

Attwoodsladyfriend · 05/05/2022 10:30

A 2 day rule?????

Discovereads · 05/05/2022 10:31

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it.

WTAF? That rule is rapey in my opinion. It’s not normal or healthy to have a “rule” guaranteeing sex the day after you have said no regardless of whether you want it or not the following day! He has no entitlement to sex from you. It is sexual coercion on his part to make you think you owe a “yes” for every “no” you say.

MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 10:31

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:29

I keep track because when he says oh you always say no, or we never have sex, it's nice that I can confidently tell him he is talking out of his backside. Once he has got that idea in his head he is very convincing and if I didn't keep track I would actually believe him.

Nope no children together. I already have three and have absolutely no desire to go back to the baby stages whatesoever. I am almost free of childcare and school runs!

Dear god.

This is awful.
You shouldn't be living like this and the fact kids are seeing this and being taught it's normal is frightening.

If this is a true thread, you're being abused emotionally and being coerced sexually.

Run away.

ChonkyDonkey · 05/05/2022 10:32

He's a selfish entitled dick led prick. Ditch him.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2022 10:32

He sounds awful. Is this how you want to live your life?

Ellie56 · 05/05/2022 10:33

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it.

You have a 2 day rule? Shock Eww! That is grim.

You can do better than him.

Thursday37 · 05/05/2022 10:33

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:29

I keep track because when he says oh you always say no, or we never have sex, it's nice that I can confidently tell him he is talking out of his backside. Once he has got that idea in his head he is very convincing and if I didn't keep track I would actually believe him.

Nope no children together. I already have three and have absolutely no desire to go back to the baby stages whatesoever. I am almost free of childcare and school runs!

Read that back to yourself. What on earth are you thinking entertaining such nonsense.
”….he is very convincing” “if I didn’t keep track”
Not normal, you are in a coercive, abusive relationship. Run away as fast as you can.

endofthelinefinally · 05/05/2022 10:34

This is awful. You need to get yourself and your dc away from this abusive man.