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Original poster

Losing my mind - Sex row

283 replies

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 09:51

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2022 10:34

2 day rule ?

what fuckery is this ?

you have a sexually abusive partner

if you have to resort to keeping track of when you have sex to keep him at bay, then I go back to my question…

what is his solution ? Rape ?

Ninspeedles · 05/05/2022 10:34

Doesn't sound like true consent in any case.

The rule, the counting how many times you've had sex to return his argument. This is not how sex is supposed to be.

Like another poster said, it feels very transactional.

JuneOsborne · 05/05/2022 10:35

Dude, this ain't normal.

This 2 day rule thing is weird. So, you don't want sex on Tuesday, means you have to have sex on Wednesday, no matter what? What am I reading? What if you don't want sex on Wednesday either? There's a row about sex!

CandyLeBonBon · 05/05/2022 10:36

"We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it."

This is a TERRIBLE idea. How on earth did you get to this 'agreement'?

Notonthestairs · 05/05/2022 10:36

He's not owed sex.
You aren't required to deliver sex to a timetable.

You have to keep track just to be to argue that you can have a night off.

Honestly read that back to yourself.

He's dreadful.

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2022 10:36

This sounds awful - the expectation of sex, the counting of it, the fact that he seems to think that your consent is somehow optional and now the gaslighting.

It is abusive behaviour I would get out of this controlling relationship

RosieCockle · 05/05/2022 10:37

Scrap that rule immediately! It's repugnant and vile. As is he.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 05/05/2022 10:37

You have a very rapey rule.

This isnt a healthy sex life. This isnt a healthy relationship.

You've got 3 kids who are almost out of school so you're not an ingenue with no idea what's right and what's wrong.

What are you doing?

Wnikat · 05/05/2022 10:37

So many red flags. Sabotaging your calm. Gaslighting you about the amount of sex you have. Ew. GET RID.

NettleTea · 05/05/2022 10:37

Jesus christ this is awful.

I hope the sex is actually good for you

But agree with majority here, he is sexually abusive. And sexually coersive and gaslighty with his demands and denial of the amount of sex you have supplied him with

watcherintherye · 05/05/2022 10:39

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule.

So you ‘give’ him sex to stop him sulking? Sex should be a mutually enjoyable part of a loving relationship, not something you feel obliged to do because of some unspoken agreement driven by his demands and you wanting to keep the peace. It sounds like sex is being used as a bargaining chip, the bargain being you keep him happy or he’ll make life miserable.

cherrymax · 05/05/2022 10:40

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:17

He thinks I am being ridiculous and he won't bother trying to smooth things over again.

I am refusing to brush it under the carpet unless he acknowledges that he was a bit shit and apologies.

Even if we hadn't had sex for 3 months and I said Eww no thanks every time he touched me, I still don't think it was an appropriate time to bring it up and have a row about it. But facts are we have a very active sex life.

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it.

I'm sorry OP but this is awful. This is not a healthy relationship and probably abusive.

I can't imagine having to track how many times we have sex to 'prove' to my partner that I'm meeting the rules/satisfying him enough.

Honestly, I'm horrified.

qpmz · 05/05/2022 10:41

I can't believe you know exactly how many times you had sex in April!

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:44

I like sex too and I am not sure he would hold me to the rule, it's not like he whips me if I say no.

Just that if I have said no he would be a bit upset if I said it again the next night. It's always been sort of jokey between us but after the row the other night I am wondering whether it is jokey after all.

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 10:50

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:44

I like sex too and I am not sure he would hold me to the rule, it's not like he whips me if I say no.

Just that if I have said no he would be a bit upset if I said it again the next night. It's always been sort of jokey between us but after the row the other night I am wondering whether it is jokey after all.

No it's not jokey. Not at all.

It's a form of manipulation.

"Fancy a shag"
"No"

End of conversation. That's it. No 2 day rule, no arseyness, no jokes.

There's times when there's kissing and snogging and trying to seduce, that's expected I think, but a clear and firm no is a no is a no.
Anything after that to make you feel bad, to.make.you question, to convince you other wise, to make you feel you're at fault etc.
Anything. That's heading to manipulation, possibly emotional abuse and even coercive rape.
(Bear in mind I'm very strict on these matters, some aren't as black and white as me)

LittleOwl153 · 05/05/2022 10:56

"We only ever have sex when you want it"

Well you certainly shouldn't be doing it when you don't want to just to please him....

CloudPine · 05/05/2022 10:56

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:29

I keep track because when he says oh you always say no, or we never have sex, it's nice that I can confidently tell him he is talking out of his backside. Once he has got that idea in his head he is very convincing and if I didn't keep track I would actually believe him.

Nope no children together. I already have three and have absolutely no desire to go back to the baby stages whatesoever. I am almost free of childcare and school runs!

You keep count so he can’t be a dick about it?

I hope you can see that this isn’t a very healthy state of affairs. You deserve to be treated better - possibly by a different person.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2022 10:58

No means no. Whether it is 2, 3 or 33 days after you last said yes.

it’s not a “joke” it is sexual coercion

and he might not whip you (errr, that’s quite a worrying rationalisation you make there) but he makes your life difficult if you do not ignore your agency

LittleOwl153 · 05/05/2022 11:01

So he's completely unsupportive as a partner - doesn't give a shit about your emotions relating to a health appointment... and is coercive to ensure he gets his set quota independently of how that makes you feel?

Uuk! Get rid!

ChinUpChestOut · 05/05/2022 11:06

I get that you like sex too, and it's not like your default position is "no" but HE gets sulky/starts a row if he doesn't get sex on night 2 - lucky old him that you don't ask him 2 nights in a row when he's worked late/is exhausted/sick and you kick off. He refuses to offer you support and affection when you're having a quiet worry about a medical appointment - that's controlling.

It's good to keep the balance of power in a relationship on an equal footing, and reading what you've written, I think the balance is tipped in his favour. I would say your relationship with him needs a bit of a re-set. And if he's not up for a non-argumentative, open chat about how all this makes you feel, you might want to reassess your relationship with this man all by yourself. Not sure you'll be happy.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 11:07

He really isn't coming off well here, he generally is a nice guy and usually super supportive. he's really come unstuck this time though.

He has changed the context now to he argued with me all morning because I have been distant. if that was his issue and he raised that then we would be in a very different conversation. The fact is he was having a tantrum about sex. his exact words were about sex.

I left after that because I couldn't be bothered to sacrifice a good nights sleep arguing about it and then when I came back the next day he took all his stuff. so he is saying that the whole thing is because I left and was moody. well yes what do you expect, you behaved appallingly and I took myself out of the situation!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/05/2022 11:10

@BounceQueen what do you get out of this. A decent partner would recognise that you were anxious about the appointment and ask if there was anything they could do.

Yours decided that your anxiety didnt matter because sex was the priority. And then argued and gaslit you.

Most of us like sex - most of have sex as one priority in a relationship.
Your partner has it is THE ONLY priority and everything else be dammed - including you are your feelings.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 11:12

That is exactly my point that I am trying to get him to see @Quartz2208

Thank you for summing up how I feel. I was starting to think I was losing the plot.

I have actually given up trying to make him understand. I have told him how I feel, if he can't see that his sex obsession is a problem and apologise then he will be having it by himself. Luckily we don't live together!

OP posts:
blueagain · 05/05/2022 11:13

WTF have I just read? Is this serious? 2 day rule? How the hell did you agree to that? If you’ve got your period or a cold or just damn well don’t feel like opening your legs then he feels he has a RIGHT to sex every two days!!! How did you end up with this man? Your entire life revolves around giving him sex? You know you don’t have to do that right? How long have you been together?

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2022 11:13

When you say you left, do you mean you don't live together? How long have you been together?

I'm glad you are starting to realise this is not a joke at all. It sounds like he hasn't 'forced' you to stick to the 2 day rule because you usually keep it, so he doesn't have to. But honestly all of this is really fucked up. Having to keep track of how many times you have sex so that he can't complain is FUCKED UP.