Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my mind - Sex row

283 replies

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 09:51

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

OP posts:
Only4You · 05/05/2022 11:46

"We only ever have sex when you want it"

I hope he (and you realises) how fuck up this comment is.
Because yes OF COURSE you will only have sex when you want it! It's not because he wants it that you have to say YES (to appease him, because he wants to or whatever) regardless of whether you do.
Because if you have sex when you don't want to we go into rape or coerced sex... Not good.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 11:48

We are both in our 30s he's never been married but has had a long term co-habiting relationship.

He really is good in every other way, he looks after me better than I have ever been looked after. He pulls his weight around the house. He's my biggest supporter (usually) we laugh together, we share the same interests, he helps with the kids, nothing is ever too much trouble.

That's why I am so upset, I expected so much better of him. If he was generally a bit shit I would expect it but he is so good for me, everyone comments about how good we are together.

I am gutted that sex was more important!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2022 11:50

How are you managing to spend most nights together when you have kids at home? I don't mean that in a judgy way, it just sounds like his sex obsession is not just more important than you and your needs, but your kids. No man should expect a single mum to be on tap for sex all the time.

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2022 11:51

He's a 'great guy' because you've been following his sex rules.

Now the one time you don't, you see what he's really like.

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 05/05/2022 11:52

he is very convincing and if I didn't keep track I would actually believe him.
2 Day rule…. Wondering if it is jokey?

well hopefully OP you are now waking up to how he gaslights you on this issue? Well done for sticking to your healthy boundaries and taking yourself home for a good nights sleep.
Just want to encourage you not to give in over this - you are absolutely correct he should have been supportive emotionally. This has shown his priority really is sex first

Only4You · 05/05/2022 11:53

So now I've read the whole thread and tbh no your partner isnt coming out well at all.

So he doesnt want sex and has a bad back, you step up, give him a massage and look after him.
You don't want sex because you need support re your appointment and he ... has a right go at you, sulks and makes it all about him and his 'need' for sex.

And I am not even going on about that 'unspoken rule' of never no sex more ta tow days in a row. Because it sound slike 1- he takes to heart and exects you to have sex with him if he didnt get it the day before. Its not even an expectations at this point but a demand that is met with sulking and gaslighting when it doesnt happen.

So it sound slike he gets his needs nicely fulfilled in the relationhsip. What about yours?
Apart from this one time when his behaviour was shitty to say the least (because his dick was more important than you and your needs), is he ever putting you first, before himself? Before his need for sex? How often does he step up when it is an inconvience for him?

GroggyLegs · 05/05/2022 11:56

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next

Holy shit.
That's not enthusiastic consent, that's obligation.

Then he wheels out a load of gaslighting bullshit at a very specific time that you had told him you did not need distractions/upset?

Mate.
No.
This is not a nice man.

MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 11:59

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 11:48

We are both in our 30s he's never been married but has had a long term co-habiting relationship.

He really is good in every other way, he looks after me better than I have ever been looked after. He pulls his weight around the house. He's my biggest supporter (usually) we laugh together, we share the same interests, he helps with the kids, nothing is ever too much trouble.

That's why I am so upset, I expected so much better of him. If he was generally a bit shit I would expect it but he is so good for me, everyone comments about how good we are together.

I am gutted that sex was more important!

Turn the sex off for a bit.
I'd be curious to see if he remains supportive and nice..

Men can be good as gold.when they're getting what they want, what they expect, once it stops, that's different story.
He'll come back with how he 'needs sex' no he doesn't.
He may threaten to get it elsewhere etc.
He'll likely guilt trip, 'if you loved me you'd want to have sex'
He might even accuse you of getting it elsewhere.

Imo his mask is slipping.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:00

@dreamingbohemian He stays over at mine when the kids are there, I stay at his when they are with their dad, sometimes we pop to his after the gym etc, they aren't young children, the eldest is 17 and happy to watch the youngest who is 12 if he is in. (not just so we can go for sex but in general if I go shopping, to the gym etc).

OP posts:
Only4You · 05/05/2022 12:01

he looks after me better than I have ever been looked after
and
I am gutted that sex was more important!

Tbh everything in his behaviour screams that sex is and always will be the most important thing before anything and everyne else's, including you.
Just read again what you have written


  • the 'unwritten rule' of no more than one day with no sex

  • you counting the days you have sex to feel confident you did have sex often

  • his lying (he never says NO to you but you always do)

  • he punishes you have more than one day with no sex. Punished with sulking, being grumpy etc....


So yes sex will always come first and i'd start to wonder if this is an healthy situation. What will happen if, following all your appointmehst, you need lets say surgery. Will he still expect sex the next day?
What will happen if you health gos down hill or you are in pain?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2022 12:03

He's Mr. Wonderful when he gets his way, but as soon as he doesn't his true colours shine through. Raise your standards. This man is shit.

CousinKrispy · 05/05/2022 12:04

It should be the norm for everyone on earth to only have sex when they feel like it.

It should never be an obligation.

It's very concerning that you have to keep count in order to prove to him that what comes out of his mouth (along the lines of "we hardly ever have sex" I assume?) is bullshit. I've been there. It won't be limited to this one issue and it will wear you down. Black is white, up is down, sex 24 times in one month is "hardly anything" and he's being neglected.

It's all fine as long as you're in agreement with him and putting out as frequently as he wants. But try disagreeing with him or turning him downnot just sexually, in other waysand it may be part of a very negative wider pattern on his part.

Keep those boundaries up. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE SEX WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO.

Quartz2208 · 05/05/2022 12:06

Yes it sounds like as if the support was conditional on every other day sex. So as long as that was happening he would be supportive.

The minute it wasnt he was no longer supportive. Can you ever really be with someone that you know the minute that something comes up you can no longer give him the payment that he requires in order to be supportive - his support goes and he storms off and blames you

And hold on his ex became a lesbian - according to him or is that something you know as fact

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2022 12:07

Ah I see, I thought the kids were younger

Honestly though, now that you are realising what a sex-obsessed jerk he is, do you still want him in your home all the time? How long have you been together?

There are going to be times when your kids are sick or have serious problems and you can't see him for a while, can you trust him not to sulk about it?

BadNomad · 05/05/2022 12:07

Does he really think most people have sex at least 5 days a week? He doesn't know how lucky he is.

Orgasmagorical · 05/05/2022 12:08

I am gutted that sex was more important!

Sex was convenient, easy for him to manipulate the narrative. It could have been the price of fish. He wanted your attention on him rather than your appointment.

What's he like on your birthdays?

DeclineandFall · 05/05/2022 12:09

I wonder if this is all male ego driven. His ex became a lesbian so he has to prove how manly he is with all the sex and its now become a proper issue that is causing problems.
Or he is just doing that man thing that can't bear the attention being taken away from him. If he cant do- you're ill so he's iller, so instead has started a row about nothing.

Berthatydfil · 05/05/2022 12:09

Errr….. having sex when you don’t want to sounds kind of rapey to me. Has that thought not occurred to him?

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:12

@Quartz2208 I know this as fact, I think it is where a lot of his sex issues come from, the fact she cheated on him with another woman.

He is brilliant on my birthdays, really makes a fuss. He bakes for me every week, he packs my lunch, he buys me treats that he sees out and about. I honestly thought he was perfect!

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 05/05/2022 12:12

Get rid of him. Please get rid of him.

I know you say he's wonderful and that he's just not coming off well here, but like many PPs there are so many things that are jumping out at me here and none of them are pointing towards this being a healthy relationship.

Reading between the lines of the two day rule thing and you keeping track of the sex, I'm guessing:

  • he has brought up lack of sex before, more than once, even when you've been having it regularly
  • you've tried to "defend yourself" before (for want of a better phrase) but he hasn't listened to you, and/or he has made you believe you were wrong
  • you have had sex with him on nights when you'd rather not, to avoid him complaining, because it's the second night in your "rule"

Tell me if I'm wrong? The truth is that you shouldn't need an arsenal of statistics in your back pocket to justify the amount of sex you give him. A simple "no thanks" is enough. Always.

Sorry but he sounds gross, honestly.

DeskInUse · 05/05/2022 12:16

Sounds like he deliberately punished you, by arguing and upsetting you before your appointment because you didn't 'give him' sex.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:16

@takealettermsjones You aren't wrong, you have nailed every point.

OP posts:
cornflakedreams · 05/05/2022 12:16

Coercive control.

Abusers aren't monsters, they alternate between being "wonderful" and acts of coercion and cruelty. It is a more effective strategy for controlling and manipulating.

Look at how well it worked on you up until now.

I wouldn't believe a word he says about his ex given he considers coerced sex (ie rape) normal and acceptable.

Thenose · 05/05/2022 12:19

They say that when someone tells you what they are, listen. Your partner told you this wasn't about sex but about you being 'distant'. It sounds like you were focused on something other than him, and he couldn't stand not being the sole object of your attention.

His need for attention is so excessive that he felt compelled to bring up some complaint when he noticed your mind was elsewhere.

His self-importance is so inflated that he thinks he deserves for you to have sex with him when you don't feel like it, supporting the validity of this particular complaint in his mind.

His empathy is so low that he didn't care that your mind was elsewhere due to worry and that rowing would leave you feeling worse.

You say he's usually great; he doesn't sound great to me.

cornflakedreams · 05/05/2022 12:20

He sounds like a rapist.

"Giving in" to avoid repercussions from him isn't consent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread