Losing my mind - Sex row

[BounceQueen]

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

Ask him if he is suggesting that you lie back and think of England and allow him to use your body when you really don't want sex.

I’d be chucking that one back in the sea.
Nothing more unsexy than a sex pest.

How long have you been together OP?

My abusive ex was lovely in the beginning - but like this utter wanker began to ‘punish’ me when I needed him.

I think you need to really think about your relationship as a whole.

Ask yourself a very very simple question.

"Is my life better for being in this relationship? Or would my life be better if I wasn't?"

Instantly I can tell you from my perspective, this relationship is making your life worse.
Counting sex, defending yourself against demands of sex, having sex when you'd rather not because you're worried about his reaction, 2 day rule, support when he gets his way and tantrums when he doesn't...

That is not adding to your life, that is subtracting from it. You've only a limited time left on this earth, don't waste too much on this Utter Bellend.

No better that he reframes it as the problem is you're "distant" so he picks a fight, even if you were being distant why shouldn't you, you had a worrying medical appointment ahead. He doesn't own you and he has no entitlement to every shred of your attention. Bit controlling.

Omg

this is horrendous

Womb is correct then:

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule. I suspect that's why he had a tantrum, because he was fully expecting it.

Your relationship is transactional, you are valued as a commodity that provides regular sex. You 'failed' to deliver the commodity on this occasion, so he now feels entitled to withhold support. He also started the row to punish you, & remind you that your value to him is completely dependent on him obtaining this commodity at will.

He thinks I am being ridiculous and he won't bother trying to smooth things over again.

Good. Keep them unsmooth. Dump him.
I'm not joking. He is already gaslighting you prepared to lie in order to keep you manipulated & controlled. Have a think about what he is saying to you -
His point being he always wants it (Untrue) and would never say no to me (I can think of several occasions he has). -
He doesn't give a shit about honesty, your feelings, supporting you when you were in need because that's the decent thing to do & not because he expects a shag for it, or - in all probability - you as a person at all.
You are his sex object. When you say 'no' - he calls you ridiculous.
He equates sex not happening at his dictate with you not functioning adequately.
He expects to have sex when he wants it, whether you do or not

I can see PP are rightly responding to the 'unspoken rule' thing so hope this doesn't come over as too brutal when you are likely already reeling -
I am refusing to brush it under the carpet unless he acknowledges that he was a bit shit and apologies.
You don't need an APOLOGY from this rapey fucker.
You need to get rid of him. Words will not paper over these cracks.
He's not sorry now - he's refusing to back down or even acknowledge that you are concerned - so how would a forced apology mend that?
He would just be saying what he knows you want to hear, because to his mind the alternative is an ultimatum that means you won't be available for sex.

Only sex when you want it?
Does he know there’s a word for sex that is without enthusiastically given consent?

I couldn’t stay with someone like that.

I keep track because when he says oh you always say no, or we never have sex, it's nice that I can confidently tell him he is talking out of his backside. Once he has got that idea in his head he is very convincing and if I didn't keep track I would actually believe him.

So you have to keep a record of meeting your obligation to provide the commodity he expects from you?
Nice.

Are you beginning to see how very abnormal & NOT OK AT ALL this is?

" ... it's not like he whips me if I say no"
Please go & read up on coercive control as a matter of urgency.
Just because violence would be unpleasant, it doesn't mean that you should be relieved or - FFS grateful for its lack.
Emotional abuse & sexual coercion doesn;t feel a great deal more pleasant than being hit, does it?

Look at how he has tied you up in knots. He's got you thinking the contortions you go through to keep him happy, & the unhappiness he puts you through when you fail to deliver his expected Sex Quotient is normal.

oh don't worry about that Bounce, he'll find an alternative for you.

It will be for you to pretend you want sex, so that he gets what he wants without having to feel bad about it, or in fact consider you at all.

Nothing would make my fanny clamp tight shut more than this twat.

Ugh!!

This is all such horrid reading, you are being emotionally abused and coerced. This is sexual abuse, and you need to step back and review how you've got to a point where the abuse is so normalised.

This ISN'T normal or healthy, and he's awful.

You're minimising the responses on her as an automatic defensive mechanism, akin to domestic abuse where "it's not that bad" because e.g. you only have a black eye rather than a broken arm.

wake up!!

You do realise how awful all this sounds, yes?

This whole thread makes me very uncomfortable
you are being abused
i am sorry

He really isn't coming off well here,
No, he isn't.
he generally is a nice guy and usually super supportive.
Nice guy & super supportive are baseline requirements to a relationship, not reasons to tolerate coercion & abuse when - ooops - the nice/supportive mask slips.
he's really come unstuck this time though.
Yes, he has, & I hope you can see this for yourself & keep him unstuck from you. Permanently.

OP -blue just articulated everything I've been trying to say about how emotional abuse is JUST AS BAD (often worse) than physical abuse.

I am so glad your justified outrage is being validated & you seem to be getting insight & resolve. The 'nice' bits of your b/f DO NOT CANCEL OUT his coercive, rapey mindset. Anyway - how can you possibly fancy him, or let him touch you ever again, now he'd told you exactly what he is & what he reckons you are for?

Yep. Good post
its makes me feel a bit sick reading OPs post

Errr yes you should indeed only be having sex when you want it. Did you explain that to him?! It’s not like you aren’t obliging either! Tell him to F off.

Good god, he sounds absolutely horrific. Nobody should have to live like this OP.

He is a selfish, demanding, disgusting sex pest. In my opinion.

Your sex life sounds plentiful, but healthy? With the weird rules? Nah.

we only have sex when you want it

I do hope it's a case of 'we only have sex when we BOTH want it'

Although after reading your post about your agreement, maybe you do have sec when you don't want to. Which has red flags all over it

(he sounds like he is needy for reassurance)

Yay! It's REASSURE A RAPIST DAY! Hurrah!

Tend to your man's injured feelz immediately, OP.
It's only your lack of putting out oops, UNDERSTANDING that is making him say coercively rapey words to you, & making you keep a fucking frequency spreadsheet.

Fucksake @Herbarium
OP doesn't need to delve into the reasons her man is a coercive controller.
All she needs is to acknowledge that he is a controlling, gaslighting, sexually manipulative twat, & dump him.

Well 24 times in April is nearly every day! WTF? He is being unsupportive and unkind .Maybe you should reconsider you RL OP

I am renaming the spreadsheet immediately to the Fucking Frequency Spreadsheet. I must admit I am shocked you knew it was a spreadsheet but I love excel! It has colour formatting and percentages etc.

I am sorry I know my comment is flippant and I honestly can tell where you are all coming from and it has given me food for thought but my life isn't awful, yes he is very demanding around sex and it occasionally causes problems but on a day to day basis we get one really well. That's why i was so disappointed, it's just not the behaviour I would expect from him at all. He is usually right there on my team, cheering me on!

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

This really made me raise my eyebrows.

Having sex when you don't want it, which he seems to expect you to do, is having sex under duress, ie abusive.

And it would have me running for the hills.