Losing my mind - Sex row

[BounceQueen]

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

wife does at times tells me it feels like a chore and she would prefer quality over quantity. That does get my back up though as we have limited time together, so clearly I like to make the most of it before the next 8 weeks stint apart.

How very sexy. What woman could possibly resist?

@GWMENA

My wife and I also have a 2 day rule, we try not to go two consecutive nights without Wes when I’m home, however my wife does at times tells me it feels like a chore and she would prefer quality over quantity. That does get my back up though as we have limited time together, so clearly I like to make the most of it before the next 8 weeks stint apart.

Your wife, the woman you claim (presumably) to love has told you outright she would prefer to have sex less often but enjoy it more and it 'gets your back up'?!

You'd rather you got to have sex frequently but her enjoy it less?

Fuck me, what a way to treat someone you're supposed to care about.

I bet she regrets opening up to you and saying what she would prefer (which is not to be guilted into sex when she doesn't want to have it) as she now knows you view sexual coercion as acceptable.

She knows it 'gets your back up' when she says no to sex. Think how that must feel for her. Jesus.

@GWMENA are you for real?

My wife and I also have a 2 day rule, we try not to go two consecutive nights without Wes when I’m home, however my wife does at times tells me it feels like a chore and she would prefer quality over quantity. That does get my back up though as we have limited time together, so clearly I like to make the most of it before the next 8 weeks stint apart.

Are you using the pronoun "we" misleadingly, to suggest that your 2 day rule (FFS) is mutually agreeable, when in fact it's obvious that it's your preference & your wife would prefer spontaneity?

And are you genuinely unashamed to call OP's dreadfully distressing thread "an interesting read" about which your gobsmacking conclusion is that managing to attend her medical appointment "is the main thing"?
With no word of comfort about the emotional abuse, sexual coercion, confusion & sorrow this man is inflicting on her? That's all ok, because she got to her appointment?

FInally, in what way is it appropriate to pop your head up on a thread about a rapey bastard to regale OP with unpleasant reviews of your wife's receptiveness to your sexual demands? And that your poor wife's reluctance to uncomplainingly comply with your 2 day rule is met with no self-examination from you, but instead you feel entitled to complain that it "gets your back" up to not access sex on demand?

ARE YOU HAVING A FUCKING LAUGH?
I think you are.
Unless you'd like to apologise for your gross insensitivity, accept the bollockings you so richly deserve, resolve to listen to your wife's wishes & respect them as equally valid as your godawful 2 day rule - in fact ditch that rule altogether - then I think I know what you are. You've just told us all, loud & clear.
Cheers for the warning mate. The whole thread's going to be viewing your words with suspicion & disdain now - so you're not going to get the kind of sexy backchat about your unappetising sex life you so were so clearly hankering for when you shot your load all over this otherwise supportive thread.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - I actually do listen to my wife when she says she does not want sex, we only have a very limited time window together, hence my frustration.

@GWMENA you also sound like a sexual abuser

get off this fucking thread

Well that's good of you not to rape her.

You are sexually coercive though by being annoyed / sulking when she says she's not in the mood and / or says she would prefer quality over quantity rather than sticking to your rules.

I'm embarrassed for you that you seem to want a pat on the back for not forcing her to have sex and only making her feel shit about it. Unreal.

And your 'limited time together' is one full month at a time, not something like one day a month.

Do you have daughters? If when they have adult partners, they tell their partner they don't want to have sex as often as that partner would like and that it sometimes feels like a chore they have to do... and that partner is annoyed / sulky / says it 'gets his back up' and she asked you what you thought, what would you think of that man? Would you feel he loved and cherished your daughter? Would you feel he was being kind? Would you feel he was the man you wanted her to marry? Genuinely, what would you think of him?

@KettrickenSmiled - You clearly misunderstood. It was my wife who implemented a 2 day rule, not me. When she says she does not want sex, then we do not have sex.

Whst I said was, my wife and I get 4 months per year together, therefore our time together is limited, hence why I like to make the most of the time sexually with her when I am back in the UK.

I think you will find I agreed with @BounceQueen, she was in the right and her partner should have supported her before and after her appointment to reduce her anxiety.

@KettrickenSmiled - Therefore, if you do not fully understand something, you should be slightly more reserved in your responses. In short, climb back into your box and be quiet, unless you have anything constructive to say.

@GWMENA

Do you have daughters? If when they have adult partners, they tell their partner they don't want to have sex as often as that partner would like and that it sometimes feels like a chore they have to do... and that partner is annoyed / sulky / says it 'gets his back up' and she asked you what you thought, what would you think of that man? Would you feel he loved and cherished your daughter? Would you feel he was being kind? Would you feel he was the man you wanted her to marry? Genuinely, what would you think of him?

If you were listening, you'd have changed your behaviour.
'Listening' in your case, consists of 'hearing my wife's words, but not acting on them.'

You imposed a 2 day rule on her, she doesn't like it, she's told you so, & here you are cheerfully owning that the 2 day rule still exists in your household - & you call that listening?

You must make your frustration very clear, & your "gets my back up" anger.
Your wife wants to ditch the rule, you don't, so the rule is still in place.
How many times do you think she's had sex with you that she didn't want, to avoid your frustration & anger?

You've said not one thing about her genuine feelings - because they are not your priority. "making the most if it" ie getting your end away is.
You even blame her for the sex you are not having when you are not there:
"and my wife has zero sexual with me for the entire 8 weeks we are apart"

You need to get some help with your entitlement & skewed ideas of what consent means, before your wife finds this thread, or starts one of her own.

I think you'll find you are the only PP on the entire thread who finds anything I've said to you unconstructive, @GWMENA

If you ever work out why that is, do come back to me & I'll give you a hearing. Until then - don't tag me again, & if you have any respect for the OP, your wife, & women in general, you'll piss off sharpish now & not return.

@BounceQueen apologies for getting sucked into an unpleasant derail - I hope it hasn't been too upsetting to read, & that you have as nice an evening as you can manage tonight.

No need to respond - just take care of yourself.

Btw @GWMENA I really would be interested in your answer to my question re a hypothetical daughter of yours as I think it may help you understand why women have reacted the way we have to your comments.

GWMENA are you for real?

Oh, yes. And posting on a thread in which the poor OP is having to come to terms with the fact that she's a victim of coercive control. AND telling other women who object to their unpleasant little derail to 'get back in your box and be quiet'.

They plunder this site on a fairly regular basis. It's obvious what and who they are. Their posts might just as well have flashing red lights and bells on the signature strip.

KettrickenSmiled - You clearly misunderstood. It was my wife who implemented a 2 day rule, not me.
So you maintain. Maybe she came up with it in desperation, like our OP here, in order to get every other night off sex without being chastised for it.

Or maybe you are misremembering, as elsewhere you describe it very differently:
I shouldn’t be told by my wife that at times sex is a chore, because I like to have sex with her every couple of nights whilst I’m home

The inconsistency is interesting though, & I'm sure PP can take it on board before making their own decision about whether to get further embroiled ...
Either way, this thread is about helping OP with her own private life, not any of ours, so if PP want to discuss their own sex lives, perhaps they can start their own thread. Or return to ones they recently created.

It's the selfishness of making a horrible time in OP's life ALL ABOUT HIM that takes the breath away innit Mariel.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/4536581-sexual-intimacy-rapidly-deteriorating?postsby=GWMENA

In short, climb back into your box and be quiet, unless you have anything constructive to say.

This is so bad its actually funny.

This dude.....

That sentence says everything you could possibly ever need to know about him and his attitude.

So terribly sorry, you don't get to tell anyone to do that on here; but oh what an idiot you sounded like, trying to do so

Oh and that poster had plenty of constructive things to say, you just aren't capable of listening to or understanding them.

AF, you are perfect !

Have you heard if the cup if tea analogy?
"Do you want a cup if tea?
"No thanks"

@GWMENA It seems to me you need to get a normal job. I would never accept my husband working away, especially not for that length of time. Maybe if you got a proper normal job you wouldn't be apart so much.

And if your wife says sex is a 'chore' it's clear that you are not getting her off and giving her pleasure. Maybe if you put more time into foreplay and making sure she is pleased then it wouldn't be a chore. You sound like a selfish lover who cares only about you getting off, nothing else. Generally when sex is a chore to women it means the man is bad at sex.

Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this OP
so he says ‘we only have sex when you want it ‘?
so he expects to have sex with you when you DONT want it ?
id be asking him exactly that

Distant: twat speak for not giving me sex. See also "cold", "you've changed", "we'll never have kids", "why can't I show you how much I love you?", "You're just so attractive". Not to be confused with "fine, I'll never touch you ever again then" or "can't a man even love a woman anymore?"

I've been in your shoes. I fooled myself into thinking I was making choices. I was being manipulated day and night. All kindness was a prelude to sex, all of it.

If your body could speak, what would it say?

Quick update:

I saw him at the weekend, went to stay over at his. Nothing was the same. We had sex, it was rubbish. I just felt uncomfortable there and couldn't wait to leave.

We have spent days arguing back and forth, I've cried, he's cried. I've been mad, hurt, upset, angry.

Today he sent flowers to my work the card said it was for an unrelated reason (new role I have had a bit of a promotion but this was all arranged months ago) and he said they had been preordered.

Then he started accusing me of having an affair with a colleague. AGAIN. (I have another thread on here about that a few months ago under a previous name)

I've blocked him and told him it's over. I was having doubts anyway but this is no life to live. I feel strangely calm. I will drop his stuff off at the weekend neatly bagged and all in order and that's that. I actually feel relieved.

I am sure that it won't be that easy but right now I feel like I am making the right choice and I don't really have any other options.

I might be back for support in the coming days as I waiver as no doubt I will but I have the book and will read it and the thread again and again.

How you doing op x