Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my mind - Sex row

283 replies

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 09:51

Ok I feel like I am losing my mind here, my partner steadfastly refuses to accept that he is in the wrong to the point I am doubting myself. So I am here for a sense check.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday that I have been very anxious about. I have mentioned several times that I feel anxious about it so he knows. It's an issue he has been supporting me with so he knows all about it.

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

Bearing in mind we had sex 24 times in April and in the 7 days in the run up to this row we had sex 5 times. Of the times we didn't one was because he had a bad back and I spent a good half an hour giving him a back rub and lots of affection.

So we spent the entire morning in the run up to the appointment arguing when i wanted to approach it calmly and prepare a list of the things I wanted to say.

I am really annoyed and think that he shouldn't have caused a row over sex when I needed emotional support and he could have waited if he genuinely felt he had a point (I think he doesn't have a point but that's irrelevant).

He is saying that we had a row because of my attitude and I have been stand offish which could well be the case because I have been on my period so sensitive anyway and also been worrying about this appointment. If he had raised that then I would be less annoyed but he didn't, he caused a row over sex.

I am not wrong here am I. he is adamant that it is all my attitude and he wasn't in the wrong!

OP posts:
LeavesOnTrees · 05/05/2022 12:26

We only ever have sex when you want it

Anything else is rape.
Does he realise this ?

Branleuse · 05/05/2022 12:27

i think you need to tell him that youre really surprised and disappointed, not only in his spectacular lack of empathy and support by trying to create conflict when you were really stressed about the impending appointment, but by the fact that "only having sex when you want it" implies that 1, he somehow thinks you should be having sex when you dont want to have sex, and 2, that youre not having enough sex, when clearly you have loads of sex.
Quickest way for someone to go off sex is to have sex when theyre not in the mood for it.

Youre absolutely not in the wrong, and if he keeps making out that you are, then thats a problem. Ask him to clarify that hes saying you should be having sex with him whether you want to or not, and that he thinks that your active sex life of daily sex or every other day is somehow not enough to satisfy him?

Best you find out what his priorities are, because in any long term relationship, there will be times when sex isnt as often as at others. Is he expecting you to never get old. Never get ill. Never have off days? Youre not his sex toy. Hes lucky to have found a woman that genuinely enjoys sex and has a healthy sex drive. Plenty of people dont have that. I think he sounds like a twat.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:33

I think it is a conversation we need to have. he does admit to a sex addiction but again in a jokey way.

Its time to take the jokes away and have a proper conversation. I am baffled how you solve the issue of "we only have sex when you want it" I honestly don't know of any alternative I can offer to that.

OP posts:
LightEveningsAreBack · 05/05/2022 12:37

I can't believe what I'm reading, "you only have sex when YOU want it", yes yes you do as if you have sex when you don't want it, that is rape!! And a "2 day rule?" Wait what? Noting down how many times and when you've had sex so he can't say you haven't had sex? This is just all kinds of wrong and not normal for a healthy relationship. I think you just need to get shut, he might be lovely in every other way possible but his behaviour around sex is just not normal or healthy, it creeped me out what you've written.

MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 12:37

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:12

@Quartz2208 I know this as fact, I think it is where a lot of his sex issues come from, the fact she cheated on him with another woman.

He is brilliant on my birthdays, really makes a fuss. He bakes for me every week, he packs my lunch, he buys me treats that he sees out and about. I honestly thought he was perfect!

Weird question...

What kind of treats? ..

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2022 12:38

"We only ever have sex when you want it"

"You want to have sex with me when I don't want it? Can you talk me through that."

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:38

MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 12:37

Weird question...

What kind of treats? ..

Show quote history

usually food, sweets, cakes, protein bars that kind of thing.

OP posts:
CloudPine · 05/05/2022 12:39

You don’t need to solve it. He does. He needs help. They help should come from a professional, not you.

Meantime, stick firmly to your boundaries. Cease the relationship if he’s not prepared to work on this issue.

Wheresthebeach · 05/05/2022 12:39

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:29

I keep track because when he says oh you always say no, or we never have sex, it's nice that I can confidently tell him he is talking out of his backside. Once he has got that idea in his head he is very convincing and if I didn't keep track I would actually believe him.

Nope no children together. I already have three and have absolutely no desire to go back to the baby stages whatesoever. I am almost free of childcare and school runs!

I can think of something else you should be free from...

Basically he wants sex on demand. Keeping track is unhealthy in the extreme as is being with someone who only cares about frequency.

MaryAndHerNet · 05/05/2022 12:41

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:38

usually food, sweets, cakes, protein bars that kind of thing.

Show quote history

Ah I see..

I was afraid you'd say clothes, shoes, underwear, accessories etc which would set more bells off in my head..

InkyPinkyParlez · 05/05/2022 12:43

Ugh.

I'd want to know what he thinks a consensual relationship is. And then whether he wants to be in one or not.

cabansunset · 05/05/2022 12:43

I think the fact that you have a rule (two day rule) and can count and list how many times you've had sex in a month or week etc. a big red flag.

Something seems off with this set up - Unspontaneous perhaps? Or controlling? Is sex purely about scratching an itch each time or a loving connection?

Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who doesn't feel like it? Just because it's their right and their turn to have their way. How unsexy and depressing.

Greyarea12 · 05/05/2022 12:43

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 10:44

I like sex too and I am not sure he would hold me to the rule, it's not like he whips me if I say no.

Just that if I have said no he would be a bit upset if I said it again the next night. It's always been sort of jokey between us but after the row the other night I am wondering whether it is jokey after all.

You can't say no 2 days in a row?! Is he allowed to say no 2 days in a row? Is this really an 'unspoken' rule? Simply because the expectation is that 'no' is not allowed 2 days in a row so it sounds like this has been spoken about or dictated. This is in no way normal what so ever - the 2 day rule, the tracking how many times you have had sex, the tantrums if he doesn't get sex within 2 days. This absolutely sounds like an abusive relationship and sometimes I takes for us to hear that the relationship is abusive before we realise. Have a look at this link, maybe have a go at the questions..

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:44

Oh no he's not controlling in that way. He has bought me hoodies and socks in the past but in a normal way. I don't think he has ever bought me underwear.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 05/05/2022 12:47

We only have sex when you want it

Er yes that's called "consent". Anything else is rape.

He sounds a complete self absorbed twat and as PP said a bit creepy. Yuk.

You can do better than this. I would dump him.

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:48

Thank you for the link @Greyarea12 it was certainly eye opening!

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 05/05/2022 12:51

We have an unspoken two day rule, so if I say no one night he is guaranteed it the next, and me not feeling in the mood the night before the appointment would have broken that rule.

what the fuck? Op this is not normal, it’s really really fucked up. You’re being treated like a sex doll.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 12:52

The night before this appointment he caused a row because and I quote here "We only ever have sex when you want it"

You WHAT now?
Does he genuinely believe that you should have sex when you don't want it?
He actually SAID THIS OUT LOUD?

Stop minimising this by effectively blaming yourself for having a period or being anxious about your appointment. Your man does not understand even the very basics that adolescents are taught about with eg the Tea/Consent video.

Do not allow him to backtrack on this, or allow your own focus to be on justifying how many times you have had sex recently.

Apologies, am so horrifed I haven't caught up on the full thread yet. But even with more background ... to me, this is a dumping offence. It shows the most revolting attitude, entitlement, & hidden belief of ownership of your body. No matter how he dresses up other aspects of his personality & your life together, that comment would have killed the relationship stone dead for me. However, I am not you, & need to read on to understand how this is impacting you, not me ...

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/05/2022 12:55

(Bear in mind I'm very strict on these matters, some aren't as black and white as me).

So is the law. (Implementing that law is another matter, but that's another thread).

OP, you are thinking you're losing the plot because you are being gaslighted. That's its effect. That's its INTENDED effect.

I'm glad to hear you don't live with this menace. Don't.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. That 'scales falling from the eyes' moment is one of the most painful there is. You were getting to that stage before you posted here, hence the posting. This dynamic is not 'normal'. In fact, it's FUBAR.

Greyarea12 · 05/05/2022 12:57

BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 12:48

Thank you for the link @Greyarea12 it was certainly eye opening!

@BounceQueen if you answered yes to 1 or more of the questions (which I suspect you have given you have said it was eye opening)
then please please leave this man. This is not how you want your life to be nor how you want your older children to view relationships. You and your children deserve better than this and both you and your children will live much more happier, relaxed lives away from someone who is abusive.

PacificState · 05/05/2022 12:57

This, this thread, is why I love Mumsnet.

Stick to your guns OP. There is some really weird, creepy shit going on here and you're right to be extremely wary of it.

What happens to the 'sex rule' when (because it is when, not if) one of you develops a long term illness, a condition that makes you feel like crap, a libido-limiting condition, a serious injury, goes through a bad patch mentally, experiences a bereavement etc? All these things are part of life and at least one of them will occur in everyone's long-term relationships eventually.

He's just told and shown you that when those things happen he will still feel entitled to sex, and will still throw a tantrum if you say no. So as time goes on and the tantrums get worse/more disruptive you'll just stop saying no, even when you really want to.

Like I said. Weird, creepy shit.

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2022 12:59

OP it sounds like you've agreed with the poster who said you've probably had sex with him when you rather wouldn't, to avoid him complaining. I'm really sorry that's happened to you. You should never have to feel that way.

I don't think this is a matter of just having a conversation with him. He is abusive, of course he does all those nice things so that you go along with things and he doesn't have to coerce you too obviously. If you're not ready to break up with him, at least ask him to stay away for a couple weeks so you can think about things on your own.

FrancescaContini · 05/05/2022 13:02

OMG, such hard work. What’s the point of your relationship?

Original poster
BounceQueen · 05/05/2022 13:03

He stayed at home last night and I have told him I don't want to be around him at the moment.

I think I was upset that he didn't support me when I needed him and now with this thread I am feeling like it is more serious than that.

I'm reeling to be honest but feel glad that i am not over reacting.

OP posts:
Herbarium · 05/05/2022 13:04

He sounds emotionally immature and insecure. I recall a relationship like this in my early twenties, transactional sex and similar rules. What lay at the bottom of this was his severe anxiety at needing to feel wanted, approved of, and for him it took the form of sex. This was a wonderful, intelligent man who fairly screwed himself over there.
Luckily he grew/aged out of it.

You really really need to nip this in the bud, now, as pandering to it won't assist you in the long run. You are effectively condoning it by not setting a firm and final boundary - I would put this as an ultimatum. Even he would be happier not to be like this, it won't make him feel good either. It's ruinous for a relaxed and spontaneous sex life.
You both need a good talk about it, some reassurance (he sounds like he is needy for reassurance), and tell him how much more attractive and alluring it is NOT to have sex like a robot at set times, etc.

If this fails, there's a possibility he is just selfish. Not much you can do about that.
Good luck!