Tiktok Chatting

[Tinachops]

Hello All,

Newbie here looking for some advice,thoughts,comments.. I don’t seem trust my own judgement for some reason?

Im 39, my bf 38, 8 year relationship and we live together. A bit of a bumpy relationship over the years but nothing major, Past 12 months fine, no fighting and seem to understand each other more.

I have my own business which takes up a lot of my free time, start up of 6 months and he has a full time job. He has always been anti social media but has recently discovered tiktok. Now what he is doing on tiktok is not spending time scrolling watching videos but he does live grow parties. This involves people joining his room so they can get 1000 subscribers so they can do their own grow parties. In the parties people give gifts and coins. The grow parties also involve battles, so you join a live cam with said random person and chat for 5 minutes during the battle again people give money. Once the battle is over you move onto a new battle. Now 80% of the battles my boyfriend is having are with women, From all over the world. He has set himself up in the spare bedroom, closes the door and I will be downstairs hearing him talking to them laughing and joking.

And to be honest im pissed, He will spend 30 minutes with me at dinner and go straight back on, as soon as he comes home from work he is on it and also during his work hours he has found a hiding place where non of his colleagues can find him. He has assured me there is nothing going on and its all about the money. Im downstairs after work, tired, dressing gown on, make up off and relaxing. Hes upstairs talking to “mostly” women all glammed up for the camera.

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous. This comes from a man who WAS completely antisocial and generally hating the human race, now he tells me everyone on tiktok are really nice.

He throws it back in my face that I work many hours and sometimes don’t spend much time with him, I have just invested 40k starting up my new business.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

Sounds like he's having a crisis and is looking for some attention as he isn't getting it from you. However you have just started a business and he should understand that you need to put everything you can into it otherwise is 40k down the drain. Explain to him this and let him know that what he is doing is upsetting you. That's all you can do? You can't tell him not to you will be accused of controlling him. Also ask him why he is doing it , is this his way of contributing to the relationship more money wise, is it for attention, is it because your on a new adventure he wants to aswel ?

I've explained to him calmly but he just says I'm jealous, controlling and bossy.

I try to make as much time as possible for him in the evening, I cook us a meal every night which he comes down to eat and straight back upstairs till bedtime.

I had a problem with him a few years back, found out he was using Facebook although he "hated" it and had started talking to a women on there which progressed to WhatsApp and a possible meeting. I found out and kicked him out. We spent a year apart and got back together. I forgave him but didn't forget.

He says there are other men on there doing the same as him and there girlfriends/wives are fine with it and now I don't know if I'm over reacting, bring controlling, bossy or feel inferior but this is how I feel and I have to own my own feelings

He sounds like an immature untrustworthy knob op. You can do better

He sounds like an immature twat. What a sad hobby.

I'm sorry OP. Sometimes men like this will always be sneaky and undermine your efforts at a better life.
Do you see any real future in the relationship?

That he's doing it at work as well is decidedly dodgy.
As is the focus on interacting with women, and using you as "mum" who makes dinner.
Time to get rid of this childish man. Can you financially manage without him?

Immature twat vote from me too. Ugh, "all the other wives and girlfriends are fine with this" (ie there's something wrong with you) - just fuck off! And the old "you're just jealous" comeback - what a complete lack of empathy and maturity. The fact that he can't understand how his behaviour is negatively impacting your relationship, and instantly attacks in defence mode, says a lot. He sounds like he's fallen into quite addictive behaviour, with this fake world of social media validation. It's not very healthy behaviour in its self imo, and the fact he is dismissing your concerns and turning it all back on you, is a worrying sign. I don't have much constructive advice, besides trying to calmly discuss these issues again with him, and if he's still just not getting it, I'd be rethinking the relationship. It doesn't sound like it's a short term "I'm doing this for a month for money, I'm going to be busy in the evenings", it's a complete distancing from home life, to hide himself away chatting to strangers online, indefinitely. I couldn't put up with that

He says he's doing it for us and to earn more money than a basic wage every month. So last month he got around £500 from doing this. Which I completely understand from his side but I don't and can't accept that he is having 5 minute chats with mostly women. It's like bloody speed dating. It's live and I can watch it from my phone, which probably annoys me more. Nothing untoward is said, general chit chat but I still don't like it and only takes "one private message"

I dont like it and never will.

He even said to me last night, this is only the start he will have thousands of subscribers and you better get used to it, this is a show and that he will be ontop of the hill waving down at me soon.

I am the breadwinner and have been for a long time, its nothing to do with I don't want him earning more money than me, heck he can start paying half of the rent finally!

How would he feel if you did it ? Is he happy for you to talk to random men on the internet for money ? Explain to him that he has form for you trustworthy behaviour and you have every right to be upset about this . Perhaps he could find another way to earn some money in his spare time

I honestly don’t get how he thinks this is a sustainable model to make money - why do people pay to watch him ‘chat’ to other women?

are they paying him in crypto? How is he changing it? Is he going to declare it with tax?

It’s all so sketchy and unreliable - whereas what you are doing is building a business. It sounds like financially you would be better off single and not cooking for someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

I don't think TikTok is the problem. Live battles are usually banal. They're nothing like speed dating. And I doubt the female TikTokers are out to snare your DP🙄

The problem is that you don't trust him (and with good reason because of his previous behaviour) and he doesn't want to put any effort in to reassure you.

Ask yourself if there are any parameters that would make this TikTok hobby/job acceptable to you. If there aren't, and he's determined to keep doing it, then you need to end this relationship for good this time.

I literally couldn’t bear to be near a man who spent all his time on TikTok, let alone call my boyfriend and have sex with.

8 years of a ‘bumpy’ relationship- what are you getting out of this?

Can I ask why you have not married yet (not that he is husband material at all)? Just seems like this has all been a huge waste of your time as eight years on, he doesn’t seem to have any ounce of respect nor kindness for you? Him “standing at the top of the hill and waving down”- is he for real?!

I also seriously doubt he is making good money through these live battles- he is not a sexy influencer or a popular twitch gamer, he’s a sad twat shut in the spare room.

it’s easy to get thousands of followers on TikTok.

he is deluded

Thank you for all your comments, I suppose I am not seeking validation but just want to be sure my feelings about this are "normal" because he is making me out be be some jealous control freak. You know if he actually had a "talent" and was posting videos and getting comments & subscribers and people loved him I would support him 100% I would have no problem with this at all!

Were not married because he doesn't believe in marriage, He is against religion and thinks its all a complete waste of time and a stupid "tradition" that the herd people do.

I also doubt the female tiktokers are out to snare me, afterall they are doing the same thing, only there for the money which amounts up. He says he cant control who he enters a battle with or what they say or wear which is true but one last night was in super reveling clothes doing hand stand with her boobs all hanging out.

Its just not my cup of tea or do I find it entertaining but now im the miserable bitch who doesnt know how to have fun...

I think the key thing he told you is that he'd carry on doing it regardless of your feelings. He cares more about doing this than being with you.

And it is normal to be fed up that your partner wants to spend more time online with other people (in a way that is highly unlikely to make him much at all) than with you. 30 minutes at dinner is not a relationship.

There's the added secrecy of the 'hiding places' that he's admitted. You you know he is back to being deceptive, he's just saying it's only towards his work colleagues.

He says he can't control who joins the room or what they'll be wearing, but he knows from experience that it'll be a lot women and that a fair few will be wearing revealing clothes.

I wouldn't want this relationship. You deserve better.

He says it's just a business like me starting up my new business and thar I'm spending most of my time on that now. I admit sometimes I'm working 18 hours but I always ensure there is a dinner on the table and to switch off by 6pm 3 nights a week to spend time with him but he doesn't find watching TV together or just being in each others conpany interesting enough anymore.

What do you get from this relationship? He's already said that if it takes off he'll do it more often, so do you want to carry on like this?

He doesn't care about your feelings and he doesn't want to spend time with you. Do yourself a favour and ditch him.

Absolutely not, I feel like I've lost his to a virtual world and hate it. I can't force him to stop it so he has to make the choice.

His choice of words today are

you have a problem with jealousy

shut up and get some help, please
You are playing the victim, and the only thing that you have to do is support me, support me because BECAUSE is not nothing bad what I'm doing

What a fake person you are with me, you really don't care about to have a happy life or relation, you want to be always in control and bossy and I'm telling you that is enough
Completely disappointed with you

From your side is coming only toxicity, if you can't see it you have a big problem.

Wow. He sounds lovelier and lovelier. Total DARVO move.

Not carving out any time for his main relationship IS bad. Well, it's detrimental to/ toxic for a functioning relationship.

I can understand that you hate it, and I'm really sorry that it's/he's hurting you, but it sounds like he plans to do nothing at all about it.

I'm completely baffled.
So a battle is just 2 people chatting? Where does the money come into it? Are people paying to watch 2 people chat for 5 minutes? Or have I missed something obvious?

@Bookworm20 it's a grow room and everyone wants to get to 1000 subscribers so they can then go live and do the same. People give coins which are gifts like roses, hearts, which cost various amounts. Any where from 1p to hundreds of pounds. Gifting gets you to the top of the list and noticed more and the persons who s live it is will promote them more.

I hate it

Sounds like the kind of shit the average 14 year old would get into- I find this exceptionally weird and sad and a total turn off too, his comments to you are awful as well-- sorry but I think you will have to end this. It's not going to end well-