Tiktok Chatting

[Tinachops]

Hello All,

Newbie here looking for some advice,thoughts,comments.. I don’t seem trust my own judgement for some reason?

Im 39, my bf 38, 8 year relationship and we live together. A bit of a bumpy relationship over the years but nothing major, Past 12 months fine, no fighting and seem to understand each other more.

I have my own business which takes up a lot of my free time, start up of 6 months and he has a full time job. He has always been anti social media but has recently discovered tiktok. Now what he is doing on tiktok is not spending time scrolling watching videos but he does live grow parties. This involves people joining his room so they can get 1000 subscribers so they can do their own grow parties. In the parties people give gifts and coins. The grow parties also involve battles, so you join a live cam with said random person and chat for 5 minutes during the battle again people give money. Once the battle is over you move onto a new battle. Now 80% of the battles my boyfriend is having are with women, From all over the world. He has set himself up in the spare bedroom, closes the door and I will be downstairs hearing him talking to them laughing and joking.

And to be honest im pissed, He will spend 30 minutes with me at dinner and go straight back on, as soon as he comes home from work he is on it and also during his work hours he has found a hiding place where non of his colleagues can find him. He has assured me there is nothing going on and its all about the money. Im downstairs after work, tired, dressing gown on, make up off and relaxing. Hes upstairs talking to “mostly” women all glammed up for the camera.

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous. This comes from a man who WAS completely antisocial and generally hating the human race, now he tells me everyone on tiktok are really nice.

He throws it back in my face that I work many hours and sometimes don’t spend much time with him, I have just invested 40k starting up my new business.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

I don’t understand why he’s still in your house. He brings nothing positive to your life, in fact from everything you have said so far, he is a vile, self-absorbed, bullying, entitled arsehole.

Tell him to pack his shit and go, you might be scared of being alone, but you are alone now, just with a hateful dickhead in the spare room.

Thank you everyone and sorry for the radio silence. As well as my grandad passing, my car broke down and I got the flu. One of those weeks that could not get much worse!

He came home from his mother's yesterday and we haven't spoken until this afternoon. He is still with the same opinion that he is doing nothing wrong and I have to trust him. He still doesn't see anything from my side that I do not like it. For me it's gone past tiktok, it's the way he has handled my feelings and completely dismissed me. Pulling the DARVO move that a few of you talk about. I have spent the last 2 nights wide awake and finally after talking to him today (going over and over old ground) I feel completely numb inside. It's like I don't feel anything any more for him, like I just woke up and realised I don't love him.

I have moved all his things into the spare room, I won't kick him out. It's not like he has hurt me intentionally like cheating. I'll give him sometime to find his new path.

I'm just so sad, I feel like blaming tiktok but really it's how he has handled the situation and completely disrespected me that made it get to this point.

Oh bless you, that sounds like one hell of a week. Things will get better. It’s great that you’ve come to a decision and acted on it despite everything going on. I would see the TikTok thing as usefully providing a situation that showed you clearly who he really is. Be really kind to yourself and if you can, get some nice things to look forward to in your diary.

I have moved all his things into the spare room, I won't kick him out. It's not like he has hurt me intentionally like cheating. I'll give him sometime to find his new path.

He's intentionally been horrible to you for ages OP. Cheating isn't the only reason you're allowed to break up with someone. You're allowed to for any reason at all, at any time!

He tried to cheat years ago with people on FB. He calls you jealous, controlling and has been such a dick to you that he's insinuated you're mean for being busy with work and yet instead of saying he'll do dinners so you can spend time together, he's watched you run yourself ragged doing this:

I admit sometimes I'm working 18 hours but I always ensure there is a dinner on the table

Imagine watching someone do an 18 hour day, letting them make you dinner, spending half hour eating it with them then pissing off again to go on Tik Tok. He's literally behaving like an entitled, 14 year old dickhead!

Why do you feel you need to keep living him when you feel nothing for him romantically (quite rightly) now?

Why not have a clean break so you can love on with your life?!

@youvegottenminuteslynn I think you have hit the nail on the head with that. That hit home hard and you are completely correct. If I said that to him though about the 18 hour day and he should cook dinner to help out he would say I'm just treating him like a puppy.

Tomorrow he has an assignment at work that he has to stay over for, I'm sure he will be in his secret hiding place on tiktok there too and then he will go to his mother's for the weekend so I get a bit more breathing space.

Thank you again x

Hello :( I need some help/support/advice.

He won't accept staying in the spare room and yesterday has told me he will stop tiktok but still feels like I want him to live in my shadow and I have cut his wings.

I dont know what to do after all these names I have been labelled I am really hurt. I told him that and asked him if regrets giving me those labels and he said no because thats exactly how I was acting in that situation but that he doesn't think that about me in general.

I feel like I'm going cuckoo and letting this 8 year relationship go finally for nothing if he is willing to stop but I am very hurt and saddened that he had to take it this far before taking my feelings on board.

You wouldn't be letting it go 'for nothing' you'd be ending the relationship because your relationship is with:

Someone who is unkind to you

Someone who doesn't listen to you

Someone who frankly doesn't seem to like you very much or enjoy your company

Who thinks he's better than you and you're lucky to be with him but not vice versa

Who calls you names, including but not limited to A shit girlfriend, Toxic, Jealous, Fake person, Controlling, Bossy, Non supportive ever, Stupid

He doesn't want to spend time with you of his own accord

He has previously inappropriately messaged women

He has at best arranged to meet up with other women romantically and at worst gone through with it

He allows you to be the breadwinner so he only has to pay 25% of the rent but berates you for working too much

He watches you slog away at work for long hours only for you to come home and make him fucking dinner then eats it and pisses off again

And he was unsupportive and cold when your grandad died.

To summarise, this man is a horrible bully and a cunt. You would be absolutely crazy to stay in a relationship with him.

Read the list above and ask yourself if you would ever in a million years choose to be with the man described? Because that's who he is. And that's your choice.

AND he's got you so confused and worn down that despite that list of things he is / does, YOU are worried you'd be throwing away a good thing 'for nothing'!

OP - you have one, precious life. Are you really going to give it to this man?

You have absolutely nothing to show for your 8 year long relationship apart from an entitled, bullying sad twat in your house.

you aren’t really letting anything go

OP - his behaviour is stupid & selfish, but his attitude STINKS:

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous.
"I'm not jealous of your teenage kicks you idiot - I just don't want to be in a relationship with a teenager. So you can hide in your bedroom talking to strangers all night if that's what floats your boat. But don't expect me to be waiting for you in the real world - I'll be off, living a life."

And mean it. Be prepared to leave, because this situation is just shit.
That remark to you was - so cutting, so immature, & so DARVO - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
that it didn't come from nowhere.
He's likely always been a selfish little shit, but you tolerated it because it didn't have the same impact as this tiktok obsession.

With that remark - he told you who he is. Believe him.

I try to make as much time as possible for him in the evening, I cook us a meal every night which he comes down to eat and straight back upstairs till bedtime.
STOP.
Just stop being his doormat. It isn't making him respect you, is it?

He says there are other men on there doing the same as him and there girlfriends/wives are fine with it
😂😂😂
Yeah - told you he was a teenager. "But muuuuuuuum! Snot fair! All the other kids get bought expensive reeboks!"

I had a problem with him a few years back, found out he was using Facebook although he "hated" it and had started talking to a women on there which progressed to WhatsApp and a possible meeting. I found out and kicked him out. We spent a year apart and got back together. I forgave him but didn't forget.
Kicked him out? So it's your house, & you're not beholden to him for a roof, money, anything?
Great.
Kick him out again, & this time - keep him out.
He's lining up his next OW. He may as well have taken out a billboard to advertise his intent.
And you are cooking his dinner for him?
Fucksake let the teenager go.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

Then it's obvious what you need to do isn't it.
Frankly - what do you see in this ridiculous hypocrite & his 'hatred' of social media that he cannot stop flirting with women on?

"You know you said you are going to carry on doing it regardless? That's fine, but it won't be in my home, or while you're in a relationship with me. That's why I'm letting you go. Off you trot - I want you out by the weekend btw. Bye!"

Have some bloody self-respect OP.
You have a life to lead & a business to run. You don't need to be making your rude teenager's dinner & disciplining him over his screen time. Let the twat go.

heck he can start paying half of the rent finally!

You WHAT now?
How, in the name of the Goddess, are you still with this 'man'?

So last month he got around £500 from doing this.
Chinny reckon.

this is only the start he will have thousands of subscribers and you better get used to it, this is a show and that he will be ontop of the hill waving down at me soon.
😂😂😂😂😂
"Mate - seriously? I don't have to get used to anything. You're gonna have to get used to paying your own rent now though, so best of luck getting your subscribers. I want you to move out this weekend."

At the risk of becoming boringly repetitive OP - WHY are you tolerating such gaslighting & abuse?

You don't need to.
You don't need him.
He is seriously unpleasant - you are NOT 'over-reacting' or whatever other DARVO bullshit he is throwing at you.

OK @Palmfrond - I like the cut of your jib - it's a date
(I think I recognise you from elsethread, if you are the geezer who made that dry remark about his mansplaining posts being available to allcomers ...)

Also - well done for making OP laugh. It's simple to see from the outside, but on the inside, she's caught up in the maelstrom of emotional fuckwittery her b/f's serving her . Being able to laugh at how ridiculous he is, is more than a moment's light relief - it helps with perspective.

OP - your b/f has exploited your good nature for long enough, I cannot believe he isn't even paying his way. Does it help to reframe him as an unwelcome squatter whose habits are now intolerable, so you can tell him to leave?
Your life is so much larger than a deluded little man who uses & abuses you.
You will feel SO much happier & more confident when you no longer have to flinch under his foully cruel verbal abuse.

I feel like I'm going cuckoo and letting this 8 year relationship go finally for nothing if he is willing to stop but I am very hurt and saddened that he had to take it this far before taking my feelings on board.
You aren't letting it go for nothing. You are letting it go because he treats you badly. He's saying he'll stop, but any apologies for hurting you, for calling you names? No. And there should be because everything he said was and the way he behaved was unreasonable. He's hanging on to you because you feed and shelter him. He'll be back on soon xhatting with girls soon. He's got form.

Well done for blocking him on whatsapp OP.
And I am very sorry for the loss of your grandad.

He has told me if I do not allow him to continue doing his new venture that then I am also not allowed to work from home.
😂😂😎
Bless his little cotton socks, he thinks he's your landlord.

Enough rage channelled yet, OP?
You spoke about the hopelessness of giving him an 'ultimatum' earlier.
As you already know that will fail, how about you just skip that step, (what's the point?) bite the bullet, & finally end this toxic relationship?

How satisfying would it be for you to point out that he's not the boss of you, he's welcome to his tiktok pals, & you'll drop his stuff off at his mum's this weekend?
How good would that make you feel?
How much more like 'yourself' would that be - the 'self' that you were before this awful little man started wearing you down, the 'self' with the guts & smarts to invest £40k & long hours in her own business venture?
Be that woman.
Because it's only him that's keeping you from her.

Why can I not accept that he is only “talking” to mostly women whilst im in another room or out working.

Because it's got fuck-all to do with tiktok, & EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you are so toxically enmeshed with an abusive man that you cannot see the wood for the trees.

@KettrickenSmiled @youvegottenminuteslynn and others Thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending time reading the thread, its long and also for reaching out. I really needed just that little bit of support today because until reading your replies I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I've not been able to get out of bed all day but after your words of truth and support I can see that light again. I suffer with my mental health sometimes and the last time he twisted things so much I ended up in therapy and happy pills. I think he knows this and thinks ill come round.

He pays 25% of the rent which is 1000£ a month. I have allowed this as a compromise that he earns minimum wage and has to travel 2 hours every weekend to see his child and petrol being expensive, I don't want to see him with nothing. I always wanted to see him grow and the money he has been able to save he has got a decent car, new camera as he enjoys photography and his E-bike.

Thank you, thank you and thank you again. Tomorrow is a new and stronger day for me.

I have moved all his things into the spare room, I won't kick him out.
Why?
He'd kick you out, if he could afford to pay rent like a grown up.
You know he would. Remember his remark about looking down on you from the top of his hill?

It's not like he has hurt me intentionally like cheating.
Er - yes it is, also - he HAS cheated.
The psychological torture he is subjecting you to is worse than cheating in my book. He has you so tied up in knots you barely know who you are & how to believe in yourself.

I'll give him sometime to find his new path.
He has a path - his mother's.
The longer you let him squat in your home, the longer it is going to take you to recover from his abysmal abuse.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.
For the sake of your mental health - send him packing.

He won't accept staying in the spare room
No problem. You don't accept him staying in your flat. Bye bye.

and yesterday has told me he will stop tiktok but still feels like I want him to live in my shadow and I have cut his wings.
JEEZE this is some manipulative BS.
He'll stop for long enough to trick his way back into your bedroom.
Then he'll start again - or choose some other nasty way of undermining you - except this time, he will be even worse to you, because now he will be looking to punish your properly for daring to assert yourself.

He's a cocklodger. Keep reminding yourself of this fact - HE IS USING YOU.
He's also demented, & a bit thick. Of course you''re no longer in love with him.
Stop bending over backwards to facilitate him. He can move back to his real mummy. Or in with the Colombian model - ha! as if!!

OP - your fear of 'throwing away 8 years' is the Sunk Costs Fallacy - thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy

Now go & read everything @youvegottenminuteslynn & @Watchkeys have posted here. Take deep breaths. This man is not the boss of you! This is YOUR flat, YOUR life, YOUR new business.
Why are you wasting another minute having all of that spoiled by a petulant cocklodger?

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled I really appreciate you. I see the light again now, sometimes it takes me a whole but I know I can do this.

Tinachops - that feeling of seeing the light ... but then getting lost in the darkness again?

Don't beat yourself up for it. It is a normal response from people who have been gaslit by their partners. Your sense of self has been so eroded that you can barely remember what is was like when you were more confident.

May I suggest that you start reading up on this?
Not to wallow! - but to give yourself a toolkit.
To understand how to 'pattern spot' abuse, how to recognise red flags, & how to avoid predatory people.
To see how you are not alone - that strong, clever, funny, talented women are just as likely to end up in abusive relationships as anyone else.
To protect yourself from getting sucked back in to his utterly toxic version of reality again.

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

You mentioned that you fear being "alone". I appreciate you don't have MUCH spare time right now! - but the links above can give you a start on designing your own self-help programme - & you need a new project to devote yourself to, to replace all the mental energy you have poured into trying to make Mr Teenage behave like a decent & responsible human being.

Allow yourself to wobble now & then, allow yourself to grieve for the relationship you hoped this man would be able to give you, But accept the truth - he cannot, He is a seriously damaged individual, likely with a nasty Cluster-B personality disorder, & he is dragging you down.

Stop making allowances for him, stop with the #BeKind bullshit about not just finishing this cleanly - but above all, STOP imagining that your argument is anything to do with tiktok.
And definitely get any notion that his 'compliance' in sulkily 'agreeing' to come off tiktok is in any way any sort of win for you.
It isn't.
It's a ploy - & besides, it's not the issue.
Him holing up in the bedroom, refusing to interact with you, verbally abusing you, psychologically torturing you, cheating on you & cocklodging off you is the issue.

You will only begin to heal from the harm he has done you when he is out of your life.

I am concerned about that. If he "doesn't accept" the spare room, how likely is it that he "doesn't accept" that he has no right to live in your flat & needs to leave this weekend? Do you need some help with that?

@KettrickenSmiled you are my light that shone today along with @Gotmynewshoes @youvegottenminuteslynn everything you say is completely correct. It's no longer about tiktok anymore its the whole situation and distancing myself from him these days has given me space and time to think. The guy is ultra selfish, he hates going to restaurants for example. He hates anything "normal" people do. Shit I need a man to take me out and wine and dine me once in a while. I am NOT the woman I actually am when I'm with him and his comment of you spend 70% of your life in misery is infact true because i am not myself around him. Take me outside of the situation to Ireland for example where my family live and I am 100% me lovable, caring, kind, funny, affectionate and loyal.

It's done..

I will read through those links thank you as I know I need some self-healing. I have promised myself some me time at the weekend.

I cant thank you enough and wished I knew you in person because everything you said is the inner me wanting to escape.