Tiktok Chatting

[Tinachops]

Hello All,

Newbie here looking for some advice,thoughts,comments.. I don’t seem trust my own judgement for some reason?

Im 39, my bf 38, 8 year relationship and we live together. A bit of a bumpy relationship over the years but nothing major, Past 12 months fine, no fighting and seem to understand each other more.

I have my own business which takes up a lot of my free time, start up of 6 months and he has a full time job. He has always been anti social media but has recently discovered tiktok. Now what he is doing on tiktok is not spending time scrolling watching videos but he does live grow parties. This involves people joining his room so they can get 1000 subscribers so they can do their own grow parties. In the parties people give gifts and coins. The grow parties also involve battles, so you join a live cam with said random person and chat for 5 minutes during the battle again people give money. Once the battle is over you move onto a new battle. Now 80% of the battles my boyfriend is having are with women, From all over the world. He has set himself up in the spare bedroom, closes the door and I will be downstairs hearing him talking to them laughing and joking.

And to be honest im pissed, He will spend 30 minutes with me at dinner and go straight back on, as soon as he comes home from work he is on it and also during his work hours he has found a hiding place where non of his colleagues can find him. He has assured me there is nothing going on and its all about the money. Im downstairs after work, tired, dressing gown on, make up off and relaxing. Hes upstairs talking to “mostly” women all glammed up for the camera.

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous. This comes from a man who WAS completely antisocial and generally hating the human race, now he tells me everyone on tiktok are really nice.

He throws it back in my face that I work many hours and sometimes don’t spend much time with him, I have just invested 40k starting up my new business.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

I'm sorry op but he's taking the piss (sounds like he has the entire relationship).

Telling you that you can't work from home when you pay most of the rent and inf in most of the households wages. Fuck that!

I need to make a log here so I can read back over what he has said to me and all of your useful thoughts
He says
I'm coming home today, and I'm going to ignore you if I see the same attitude against me.

I'm not going to enter in any situation or discussion for explain myself again.

If you want to talk with respect and looking for a understanding, we can, but I'm not going to explain again what I'm doing. Anyway this situation and attitude is affecting the nature advance in what I'm doing because I have to be "careful" for don't "hurt" your sensibility and that is really bad, because you are forbidden something only for the fact that you don't want to understand.

So that means that the trust is in the floor.

I said yes you do need to be careful not to hurt my sensibility because that's what caring people do but I know he is being sarcastic and that my way of feeling is "unusual" and holding him back.

OP I'm going to repeat what I said before as it still stands.

He abusive and frankly batshit.

He's trying to confuse and exhaust you into compliance.

He doesn't like you let alone love you.

Do not waste your life with this man.

Do not waste one more day with this man.

Wow. He sounds lovely and what an absolute catch. The fact he is not taking any of your feelings in to consideration is a huge red flag in my opinion, aside from spending all his time on some bizarre social media game ( which would totally give me the ick) If he wants to earn money he can get a proper job, surely? I’d be running in the opposite direction if I were you.

@Tinachops

Something that helped me was being told 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

Have a look at the situation from the starting point that there isn't anything wrong with you. You're not toxic. Your feelings of jealousy, if you have any, are justified and exactly what any normal person would feel. You are sane, healthy, and you communicate your feelings well.

How does his behaviour look if you come from that perspective?

Thank you, I know, I know and I know some more. Deep down I know he doesn't love me, I stayed awake practically the whole night analysing the past 8 years. He does nothing kind or sweet for me, he does nothing only thinking of me, he has no interest in my interests like cooking and massage. He would never "cook" me a meal knowing that I would love it. He's just my cocklodger as someone said before. We live very separate lives and I have got used to that, accepting it but not recognising it.

I can cover the rent but the thought of after 8 years being alone scares me, its silly because we live such separate lives anyway. It's the no ones coming home feeling that scares me.

It's the no ones coming home feeling that scares me

It's delicious, when you've been in a relationship like yours. 'Nobody's coming home to confuse me, upset me, piss me off, tell me I'm faulty.' Lovely. You can just get on with what you want to do in peace, rather than spending your time pulling apart the intricacies of someone being rude to you.

@Watchkeys yes, I have been through this situation with him many a times before. In the past He made me get "help" and the therapist demanded he came in and told him this wasn't all on me. That he needed to learn to be more compassionate and empathetic. Of course he didn't come back again even though they said its not therapy she needs you both need couples counselling.

I continued my therapy and was told, own your feelings, if you feel them they are real. Don't surpres them and here I am yet again.

@Trixiefirecracker he has already got a day job paying a monthly wage. He isn't even a big spender or does he like superficial things so I don't even know why he needs or wants the money. His wage more than covers what he spends.

I said before I cover 75% of the rent. So in this case if he is earning more money I'm going to expect to go 50/50 which in my calculation is half of what he is earning on tiktok. I'd much prefer he didn't do it and we carry on as we are. I don't want to loose time with him, every bloody evening so he has to pay me more rent. If we were in a more desperate situation maybe I could understand but were not.

@Tinachops

When did you learn to surpress your feelings like this? Was your childhood difficult? Were you heard and respected? Did your parents hear and respect each other? It's come from somewhere.

You're in charge, you know. It's your life. You can do whatever you like, and not do whatever you dislike. Why do you think you have to be with this man, who you don't like?

He’s called you jealous, controlling and bossy. Why would you stick around for this? Any sincere partner would listen to why you feel the way you do and have a grown up conversation to resolve, without name calling and putting you down.

I’d be gone. Put your efforts into your business and sack this immature twat off.

I don't want to loose time with him

Why? He makes you feel bad. Why do you want to optimise the time you spend doing something that makes you feel bad?

@Watchkeys I don't know how I learnt how to surpress my feelings. My childhood was OK, I was cared for and loved. My parents relationship was difficult, my father was a drinker and died some years ago from it. My parents got divorced when I was in the middles of my GCSES and I chose to stay with my father. I had quite a strict upbringing often not allowed or trusted to do things my friends were allowed to do. Then mum left at 15 and I was free to do whatever I wanted as my dad only cared about the bottle.

@Normando91 I think he listens but he won't accept it and if forcing him to stop doing it is he not right that I am controlling, jealous and bossy?

I can feel that comment, I suppose it just takes time to adjust but yes your right. I came to the conclusion in the middle of the night that he is not my match, I wouldn't do that to the person I love. I very much treat people how I would like to be treated.

I am sorry to hear about your Grandad 💐 Hopefully this sad time will bring you closer with other family members. Is there anyone you can confide in in real life?

Please be kind to yourself. Give yourself some space away from him to clear your head and figure out your next steps.

@OversBo Thank you, I don't really want to confide in others too much in real life. They have heard all this before in a different situation a few years back and we're very shocked when I took him back after nearly 1 year apart. I have my sister who offers unconditional support and love but on here it's different than talking to a family member who maybe biased. I have considered counselling again but last time cost me well over a £1000 and was pretty much all down to him the reason I was there. Yes I needed to make some adjustments which I accept and have but finally the leopard didn't change his spots after all the promises.

That'll be it, then: the bottle.

The heirarchy, when you were growing up (and the preferable one available, if you chose to stay with your Dad), was Bottle first, your feelings/concerns second. And that's what you repeat now. What he feels has priority in your head, so, if he says you're mad, you think that probably/possibly, you might be, because what you think and feel doesn't come first, for you.

There are degrees of it, so, if your partner told you that you were from the planet Zog, and you had 10 legs, you'd have enough belief in yourself to a) realise he was wrong, and b) realise he's bonkers, because you know that that's not true, you can see your legs, you have always known where you're from, Zog doesn't exist. But telling you you're spoiling everything? Telling you you're too jealous? Telling you you're mad? You do entertain those ideas because the only proof that they're not true is inside you, and what's inside you has been pushed aside routinely since your Dad prioritised the bottle.

Do you actually, genuinely, inside yourself, truly believe that any of the things he accuses you of are true, or do you know they're really not, but can't keep hold of that?

@Watchkeys Thank you for helping me to understand. I genuinely deep down somewhere dont believe what he accuses me of but I can't keep hold of that.

He is a talented sporty man and if he were making videos of him doing tricks on his bike or something like that and people were donating money because of that I would 100% support him, even if people commented "wow you look so hot on your bike" etc.. I would not be mad or jealous but this is a different story, He has no talent, He is encouraging people to spend money on him so they can grow their channel and having 5 minutes chats with "mostly" women. This morning at 7am he was on with a top model from Columbia, nothing untoward was said but they still laughing and joking and praising each other.

I told him I saw the battle with the top model in Colombia this morning he says -

It's obvious that you have problems with jealous. What a casualty that you was there just in that battle, .... You should be happy that this user accept me because she use to be top 2 in Spain. But no.... I don't know what you have in your head, incredible. What a toxic shit all of this

Stop with the minutiae, OP, in your head. You don't need to justify yourself. You don't need to defend yourself. You don't even need to use emotive language. Bring it right down to what's actually happening here: he is refusing to respect your feelings, over and over. That's it. Details are unnecessary the point is already proven. The damage is done. The endless 'he said, then I said' stories are a waste of your time.

Tell him you're ending the relationship, because he doesn't respect you. Tell him you don't care if he disagrees, and you're not interested in his response. Don't engage in any discussion. Tell him you want him to move out. No discussion.

When you've got him out of your life, you'll realise that the fear of being alone is nothing compared to how bad he's making you feel. Yes, you might get lonely, you might feel sad, you might wish things were different, but you won't be being psychologically tortured, with your decency and sanity being used as a tool to do it.

You can even just agree with him: 'You have problems with jealousy, you're crazy, there's something really badly wrong with you.' 'Yes, I know.'

It'll take the wind out of his sails if you suddenly realise his opinion doesn't mean anything, it's just an opinion, not a fact. It's not worth defending yourself over something so meaningless.

OP, Is there a story you are telling yourself about what it means to be 'alone' or 'single' ?

it could be 'if im alone it means im unlovable' or 'if im single it means I've failed'...it could be anything but there will be a story keeping you in this situation which is quite obviously very unhappy.

The story comes from somewhere but it isn't you. Cultural ideas about singledom, our parents etc.

Once you know what the story is you can look at it factually. Is the story real? Do you agree with it logically? What other stories could you tell yourself about being single and alone?

OP please, please stop talking to him!

He's got you where he wants you - focus on the small details of his shitty behaviour and questioning your own reactions.

He's doing this so you don't have the headspace to focus on the fact this relationship as a whole is completely unhealthy and harming your mental health.

Being single is so much less lonely than being in a toxic relationship with an arsehole.

Even IF you do feel lonely, it's better feeling lonely out of a toxic relationship (his toxicity) than in one.

Please put yourself first for once and ask him to leave.

Have just seen that youvegottenminuteslynn has said the same thing.

He doesn’t love you, people that love you do not talk or treat their loved ones in this way. You are worth so much more. Truly.