Tiktok Chatting

[Tinachops]

Hello All,

Newbie here looking for some advice,thoughts,comments.. I don’t seem trust my own judgement for some reason?

Im 39, my bf 38, 8 year relationship and we live together. A bit of a bumpy relationship over the years but nothing major, Past 12 months fine, no fighting and seem to understand each other more.

I have my own business which takes up a lot of my free time, start up of 6 months and he has a full time job. He has always been anti social media but has recently discovered tiktok. Now what he is doing on tiktok is not spending time scrolling watching videos but he does live grow parties. This involves people joining his room so they can get 1000 subscribers so they can do their own grow parties. In the parties people give gifts and coins. The grow parties also involve battles, so you join a live cam with said random person and chat for 5 minutes during the battle again people give money. Once the battle is over you move onto a new battle. Now 80% of the battles my boyfriend is having are with women, From all over the world. He has set himself up in the spare bedroom, closes the door and I will be downstairs hearing him talking to them laughing and joking.

And to be honest im pissed, He will spend 30 minutes with me at dinner and go straight back on, as soon as he comes home from work he is on it and also during his work hours he has found a hiding place where non of his colleagues can find him. He has assured me there is nothing going on and its all about the money. Im downstairs after work, tired, dressing gown on, make up off and relaxing. Hes upstairs talking to “mostly” women all glammed up for the camera.

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous. This comes from a man who WAS completely antisocial and generally hating the human race, now he tells me everyone on tiktok are really nice.

He throws it back in my face that I work many hours and sometimes don’t spend much time with him, I have just invested 40k starting up my new business.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

Exactly what I was just thinking. Sounds like the sort of thing teenagers would be doing

@Bookworm20 sorry I didn't explain it well. It the room they can battle with others which is a live cam on cam video call. The subscribers fans want them to win the battle and who ever gets the most coins wins.

What on earth do you see in this juvenile, delusional, antisocial, workshy prat?

BTW the business model that he's involved in is effectively a closed pyramid scheme where people are reselling/promoting amongst themselves and any revenue is dependent on dragging new subscribers in. However without any talent or value to offer, the vast majority will lose money in the long term and the whole thing will implode.

I have seen this so many times both online and offline.

Basically, yes. That's why I said in an earlier post, it's usually completely banal. I have to be aware of social media trends for my work.

People pay for the 'virtual gifts' with real money and then gift them to the TikTokers that they like. In a battle, there are two TikTokers and viewers can switch from one to the other and send gifts. Then whoever has the most gifts wins. There are different 'rounds' during a chat. They can talk about anything eg artists talk about their art; people talk about horoscopes; writers talk about their books; people chitchat about their day; models talk about their make-up, etc.

There are lots of adults making money on TikTok. The influencers raking money in on battles aren't usually 14-yr-olds. They're adults who approach TikTok like a business or part-time job on top of their day jobs.

TikTok isn't really the problem here. The problem is that OP thinks her DP isn't supportive, he isn't spending enough time with her and he isn't prioritising their relationship. It doesn't really matter if a woman on TikTok does a handstand or not - and tbh the snide comments about women on TikTok are unnecessary - what matters is OP's relationship and she's getting distracted by the TikTok part.

OP this would fuck anyone right off, you are being entirely reasonable.
£500 a month for how many hours a day?
I know everyone’s different etc and it’s no doubt my latent toxic masculinity talking, but I’d rather live under a hedge and catch squirrels for my tea than be a 38 year old man earning teddy bear emojis for a penny a piece. Jesus.

@Palmfrond this made me LOL thank you. He probably spends about 8 hours a day broken up in various hours.

From his side I'm a jealous, toxic person who doesn't want to see him happy.

Is he a cocklodger too? You mention that he doesn't currently contribute to the rent?

8 hours!
40 hours a week for £500 pcm.
If it was about the money he would be better working a bit of overtime.
I couldn't take this seriously from a grown adult OP.
You don't sound compatible.
Do you want to get married (to someone not specifically him)?

Why do you need your feelings to be normal? A respectful partner will respect your feelings, even if they're unusual. For instance, if you said to your partner 'I don't like it when I see you eat yoghurts', then he'd have a conversation about why it bothered you, with a view to finding a way for you not to be bothered, without curtailing what he wanted to do. For example, he might say 'OK, I won't eat them at home, would that work?' or 'How about if I give you a 5 minute warning before I eat one, so we can make sure we're in different rooms?'

At no point would a respectful partner say 'You're toxic and you're trying to make me miserable.'

That's your issue. It's got nothing to do with TikTok. It's to do with the fact that when you're not comfortable with something he does, his response is a resolute 'Fuck off, you weirdo.'

This man doesn't love you or want you to be happy. If he did, he'd come up with some ideas about how you could both be happy here, rather than firmly sticking to 'I do what I want, and if you don't like it, tough.'

Yes its not a massive income but he tells me over and over this is just the start.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like a complete bitch that I feel OK if it was only men he was speaking to. I don't see myself as controlling, jealous or to have self confidence issues and I have no problem with him speaking to females in general but I feel like this is next level.

I did always want to get married one day, but he doesn't and never will. I had to accept that and agree to the "whats the difference" we're together anyway... it was the same with children, he has one and didnt want another. I wanted children but finally for medical reasons I have not been able to.

Listen, those teddy emojis aren’t going to collect themselves. You need to put the hours in.

I feel like a complete bitch that I feel OK if it was only men he was speaking to

And that's the issue here. He criticises you, and you believe his criticisms, because you're criticising yourself.

You can't change how you feel. If you don't like it, you don't like it. What people feel doesn't make them bitches. People can come across as unpleasant due to how they communicate how they feel, but it's not the feeling itself that's the problem. You're allowed to like and dislike whatever you want; that's part of the definition of who you are.

'GET OFF THAT FUCKING COMPUTER, YOU FUCKING BIGAMIST' is very different from 'I feel really uncomfortable, love, when you talk to other women online. I feel insecure, it feels horrible for me.'

Respect how you feel. Respect others when you present it to them. Leave anyone who doesn't respect you doing that.

Sounds like you've been the one to make all the compromises.

Would you really be ok if he were laughing, chatting and gaming with other men and only spending half an hour at dinner with you?

@Watchkeys thank you for that, I haven't shouted or screamed at all, I've bought up the topic a few times the last couple of weeks and said I don't like it and I'm not happy about it but his response is its only about the money, I'm not doing anything wrong.

@ChonkyDonkey he pays 25% of the rent as I have always let him off as he earns a basic wage and I earn more.

@Palmfrond thanks for putting a giggle into the conversation I needed that.

I really don't want to talk to my friends and family about it as we have had a bumpy relationship over the years and they have had a belly full. So I really appreciate all your feedback.

Seeing all your comments has helped me to feel like I'm not going mad, I'm not a toxic bitch and he is uncaring, unkind and selfish in his ways.

What I'm going to do about it is another thing...

So he defends himself, whilst you stand there telling him clearly that his behaviour makes you feel bad.

Well, that means that his ego is more important to him than your happiness. You know this already though, don't you. That's why it feels so rubbish.

I'm sorry, OP. He's a little boy, and grown ups don't stay in relationships with little boys. It's you who needs to change, because he won't, and the alternative is that nothing changes, and you stay unhappy.

Time to move on.

And you're not a bitch. But you need to believe this about yourself, rather than have others tell you.

You pay the rent and do all the cooking, presume you clean up afterwards whilst he climbs a fucking virtual hill?

Come on OP this is no where near living.

I would move out.
Leave the rent and him to it.

I feel so stupid, I don't understand the internet at all! Is he famous? Does he think he's going to be famous? Whatever all this is it seems like he's treating you really badly and I think you should make him leave! You could get a cat, it would be a good fit for your work schedule and they're lovely company.

I have read through the thread and feel disgusted by his behaviour. How on earth you put up with it is beyond me.
If it were me, he wouldn't be staying a moment longer. i would have given him the boot.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship except for stress and anxiety. He pays no rent and spends all his time online in spare room. I would pack his bags and kick him out especially for the disrespect towards you and the way he talks to you. He is throwing comments back at you to make you seem as if you are crazy, jealous etc to take the heat off of him. Is this how you want to spend your life. You deserve better and why does he not take turns in cooking the dinner. He is an immature waste of space.

He's a lazy work shy cocklodger. How the hell have you got into a situation where you pay 75% of the rent like he's a student or something?

He has no respect for you or your feelings. I'm glad you're not married. Kick him out - you can do so much better

I like a bit of tik tok, well I like to watch some of the videos. Some of the creators make funny/informative type videos and of course animal videos are always a good call.

There are definitely a lot of adults on there making it their lives/work nowadays and there seems to be money it. Some defo believe their own hype too. Just watching the videos time can flip through quickly but I’m talking half an hour. Not 8 hours a day, Also he may be making money but surely he is spending it too on gifts etc?

To be honest he doesn’t sound like a catch anyway, he isn’t very nice to you in how he speaks to you, he sounds like he doesn’t contribute enough and doesn’t even spend time with you. Do better for yourself.

it sounds like you stuck with this guy hoping he would become someone else, instead it’s same same but slightly different. MOVE ON ALREADY!

He doesn’t respect you, never has and for some reason you let him disrespect and disregard your feelings. Prioritising someone who treats you as an option is never a good idea.

Would you really be ok with this if it was only men he was talking to? He'd still be pretty much absent from spending any time with you and saying the same nasty things if you mentioned it. He's making £500, does he say how much he is spending? As I assume he also has to do the buying of these gifts for others. He also doesn't sound like he has some amazing talent or fascinating skill to make him the super pop one who is going ti go on to earn loads. He sounds horrendous, selfish and a user. He's living practically rent free treating you like this while you fund him in his make believe world of social media. Kick him out this is already too long to have wasted.

Again, I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. I came here to see if other people would think the same as me and it is clear that most people would not be happy with this behavior.

He makes me feel so guilt by saying I am not supporting him, dont trust him and hes doing absolutely nothing wrong..

I know what I should do but its very difficult decision to make. I feel now that I have to give him an ultimatum and if he chooses to stop tiktok he will forever make me feel guilty about it that I am controlling. I know 99.9% he wont choose me and it will be the end of the road which is very sad for me.