Tiktok Chatting

[Tinachops]

Hello All,

Newbie here looking for some advice,thoughts,comments.. I don’t seem trust my own judgement for some reason?

Im 39, my bf 38, 8 year relationship and we live together. A bit of a bumpy relationship over the years but nothing major, Past 12 months fine, no fighting and seem to understand each other more.

I have my own business which takes up a lot of my free time, start up of 6 months and he has a full time job. He has always been anti social media but has recently discovered tiktok. Now what he is doing on tiktok is not spending time scrolling watching videos but he does live grow parties. This involves people joining his room so they can get 1000 subscribers so they can do their own grow parties. In the parties people give gifts and coins. The grow parties also involve battles, so you join a live cam with said random person and chat for 5 minutes during the battle again people give money. Once the battle is over you move onto a new battle. Now 80% of the battles my boyfriend is having are with women, From all over the world. He has set himself up in the spare bedroom, closes the door and I will be downstairs hearing him talking to them laughing and joking.

And to be honest im pissed, He will spend 30 minutes with me at dinner and go straight back on, as soon as he comes home from work he is on it and also during his work hours he has found a hiding place where non of his colleagues can find him. He has assured me there is nothing going on and its all about the money. Im downstairs after work, tired, dressing gown on, make up off and relaxing. Hes upstairs talking to “mostly” women all glammed up for the camera.

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous. This comes from a man who WAS completely antisocial and generally hating the human race, now he tells me everyone on tiktok are really nice.

He throws it back in my face that I work many hours and sometimes don’t spend much time with him, I have just invested 40k starting up my new business.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

I just finished your thread and I hope you can get rid of the horrible cocklodging teenager soon. You really can do it!

Are you able to get a tiny dog or cat? They'd be 1000x better companion than him. They won't put you down or call you names.

@madasawethen thank you for taking the time to read the long thread. I felt the need to reach out to people not directly involved with me and I'm glad I did. You never know this thread may help someone in the future too who isn't quite ready to speak out.

I have my 2 doggies and they are my life, love them with all my heart. I told him this tome he can takes anything he wants. After 8 years living together we have many items. Last time I gave a shit, changed the locks and packed his stuff for him. This time he can take what he wants, it's all material but if he takes the dogs there will be he'll fire.

It's no longer about tiktok anymore its the whole situation and distancing myself from him these days has given me space and time to think.

You've got it!
How could you think straight, with him denigrating & gaslighting you all the time?

Thank you for your kind words. I loved your description of the real you - the vibrant one with her loving Irish family. It's a pleasure to have helped - I'm only paying it forward/back, for all the help I've had escaping ... well, never mind all that!

I've come on here day after day hoping to see that you've had this epiphany. I am so, so glad you have. I feel lighter reading that post. I wish you the happiest and most cocklodger free life. You deserve to feel happy and at peace being yourself instead of twisting yourself around this self absorbed manchild who offers you no acknowledgement or gratitude.

I wish you the happiest and most cocklodger free life
😂😂😂😘

How are you getting on @Tinachops

Ladies and gentlemen, He's gone, he's finally gone. Although sad I feel a huge sense of relief. I've spent the day cleaning up and throwing out old unnecessary things, I'm cooking myself a lush meal and picked up a nice bottle of wine. I woke up with a huge smile on my face and feel like I have just been born again. This is nothing like how we broke up before it was always tears and tantrums not knowing how to live alone, scared for the future etc non of that this this time. This is my time to shine!

The candle burned out is the best way I can describe it.

To everyone who took time out of their day to comment and give me advice I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.

Cheers 🍻 👏

Thank you for following up and checking on me. I wished I could buy you all some flowers to express my deepest gratitude.

Hurrah for freedom & waking up with a smile on your face Tinachops!

PP round here are only paying it back/forward. Most of us have been there ... you're one of the Survivor Gang now, & will soon be dishing out your own blend of compassion/'tough love' to women (& the occasional man) who haven't escaped yet.

One day at a time though ... enjoy your lovely meal & xx

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you, I won't say that I'm wise enough yet to pay it forward but I certainly will be with time. When were in the moment it can be very difficult to see the truth in the situation. I have known for a very long time but never done what needed to be done.

You'll get there TinaChops, in your own time, like so many PP before you.
Most of us felt similarly unaware, then doubtful, then put ourselves through the contortions of minimising, denial & self-blame before our own version of TiktokGate finally burst open the floodgates of realisation.

Apologies as I now can't remember if this has been posted - if not, you might find it interesting to put aside a little time for a rewarding project -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
& a quick but thought-provoking read - www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Thank you, that looks great. I'll give it a try as I am sure there are many emotional mountains to cross just yet.

I'm so glad for you Tinachops. I know that sense of relief so well. I wish you all the best.

Op I don't trust him at all . If he did it before he would do it again . And I garantee you if one of these women asks him to meet up he would go . Also the fact he said he would do it no matter what shows he doesn't think much of the relationship. You deserve so much better ❤️

How are you doing @Tinachops?

@wellhelloitsme thanks for checking in its really appreciated. I'm doing OK, he started contact again last week and I started to feel very guilty about the whole situation again. He said he recognised what he had done and would make some changes on tiktok that were acceptable to me. I told him it had gone past tiktok and that I needed him to understand and explain to me on a deeper level what damage he had caused by labelling me all those things. That's where things spiralled out of control again and he said I was being completely dramatic and the whole situation was completely unacceptable. Sorry for me is not enough, not this time.

Oh @Tinachops 😞

Please stop engaging with him!

There's no need for you to be in touch and he's continuing to manipulate you.

When you ask him to explain that he understands how much he's hurt you, all he hears is that if he says the right thing or confuses you enough, you'll cave and get back together with him.

This man doesn't love you. He doesn't like you.

I know that's hard to hear but it's true,

He watched you run yourself ragged at work then inexplicably make dinner for him, then he'd eat it and leave you right away to go back to TikTok despite being a grown man, then bizarrely say you worked too much but do absolutely nothing to create any quality time with you whatsoever.

You're his radiator, he's your drain. You give, he takes.

The only way to move on is to stop all contact, you say 'he started contact again' but he can't do that if you refuse to engage. Block him on absolutely everything and you can start your new life.

I told him it had gone past tiktok and that I needed him to understand and explain to me on a deeper level what damage he had caused by labelling me all those things.

You don't need this from him Tina.

Reasonable people, when burned by unreasonable people, often look for 'closure' or to somehow make sense of what happened.
However, its not possible, because unreasonable people will never own their shit, & are experts at blame-shifting, mindfucking, & keeping you dangling on a string.

I don't know if she's still around, but a wise & brilliant poster @thefoundations posted an analogy about Cluster B personality disorders a while back.
Whether your ex is a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic or Antisocial isn't actually the point: his behaviours & their detrimental effect on you is the point, so this isn't about "diagnosising" - (pointless, we're not qualified to, & it's usually another hopeless attempt by laypeople to understand the Not Understandable) - it's about "dealing with".
www.healthline.com/health/cluster-b-personality-disorders

Here's Foundation's advice & analogy.
Her point about "what if" is basically the same as you looking to your ex for answers. You saying to yourself "what of he had not ..." & "if only he could have ..." - does that make sense?

It is NOT a criticism of your perfectly normal feelings of "but how do I make sense of this, how do I get to the bottom of this conundrum?" - because there IS no sense here, from the reasonable person's perspective.

Look into why the part of you that says 'What if'. Even outside of this situation, that's the damaged part of you that, unless you get to the bottom of it, will lead you into further abusive relationships in the future, and quite probably has you in some compromised situations elsewhere in your life where your boundaries are weak and you don't realise they're being crossed.

As a definition of a cluster b personality disorder, I found it helpful to see it as a slightly different species. They look like us and can act like us, but they respond to different triggers.
I heard a fox described as dog hardware with cat software, and that's what narcissists/psychopaths are like; they're programmed differently to the rest of us; a different human species. Once you learn about their behaviour patterns, you'll see that they're all the same, and very predictable. I found that disturbing until I realised that we all are. Respect us, we will respect you. Love us, we will have a soft spot for you. Swear at us, we will become defensive and upset.
Cluster bs just have different responses. Love them, they will see that you can be used as a tool. Offend them, they will destroy you. If someone more useful loves them, they will walk away without a second glance. Stay on their side, they will eternally see you as a tool, and leave you in the toolshed, picking you up and putting you down whenever suits them.

You will never get any form of closure, honest answers, or acceptance of responsibility from this man.
You're best off blocking him now.

Thank you, I understand. He did try at times to make time for us but generally for activities he wanted to do. If I had something social he would never attend with me. That's why all of this for me is so difficult to understand, a completely antisocial man who got obsessed to talking to strangers all day/night and didn't care when the person he shares his actual life with was uncomfortable with it.

He asked me last week what I was doing the weekend and I said I needed to go clothes shipping, He said OK lets go together and after we can go to the cinema to see the new top gun film. But for me I saw it deeper, he couldn't just accompany me shopping his alterior motive was HE wanted to go to the cinema over an hour drive away because they have it in IMAX. After a busy week I couldn't think of anything worst.

Anyway I've just been having a few Bridget Jones moments, 40, single with no kids.

I need a man who sees me, for who I really am, who looks at me in that special way and supports me through thick and thin as I would do for him. I feel like I'm asking too much.

That's why all of this for me is so difficult to understand, a completely antisocial man who got obsessed to talking to strangers all day/night and didn't care when the person he shares his actual life with was uncomfortable with it.

It makes perfect sense. Absolutely perfect sense.

By doing what he's doing he gets the gratification of a 'social' life without any requirement to create emotional intimacy, compromise with someone, without needing to put real life effort in e.g travelling anywhere to see them, without having to maintain the facade of whatever character he wants to pretend to be, without having get to know the other person's friends or families, without navigating disagreements or tension, without having to deal with day to day life stuff like money worries or illness or work.

It's the social equivalent of men who go to prostitutes rather than having a loving sexual relationship with their wife. The gratification without any of the mutual respect, any of the mutual care or any of the real life mundanity.

Please, please, please stop talking to him.

He shouldn't even be in your orbit anymore let alone have the opportunity to insult you by offering you the incredible chance to travel an hour to see him somewhere convenient for him doing an activity he wants to do.

He's laughing at you OP. He thinks he can chip away at you and things will just slip back to how they were before. The terrible thing is, if you don't cut contact then he's probably right! He'll manipulate and confuse you into returning to the previous status quo.

You must cut contact.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you that makes sense yet again. I have read this thread I don't know how many times but every time I do it lifts my spirits.

I'm just having a bad day again today. Sorry I bet your all sick of me by now lol.

Accepting it is the hard part, it's like dealing with grief from a death.

@wellhelloitsme is spot-on OP.

Your ex is now resorting to post-separation abuse.

He has DARVO'd you - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
Told you that you questioning him or asking for an apology is "unnacceptable" & I'm guessing he withdrew from that contact with some form of 'punishing' statement designed to make you feel inadequate & upset.

He will be back in touch once he's judged you have been punished long enough, or when he is bored, or when he other sources of Supply are boring him.
While I don't believe he will go to the lengths some abusers have in this link, (no children, no divorce, no long drawn-out property division for you to manage etc) -
please have a read so you understand the concept, & are able to recognise what he is doing to you by staying in contact.
speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/post-separation-abuse

He is not your friend.
Block him!
By all means send one final "fuck off" type message IF you think that might help you feel that you have taken control of the situation, & IF it gives you a kind of valedictory satisfaction (it would for me!) ... but if you do that, don't wait around for any response - just block.

Forward onto your busy & productive life now Tina.
The sooner you drop contact with him, the sooner you will heal xx

@wellhelloitsme you are completely right in everything you just wrote. If I allow it he will chip away because currently I'm feeling sorry for him that's he's on his mums sofa, that he now has to travel much further for work and that he's crying, alone and sad. I am a girl with a big heart and don't like to upset people and when he says he can't imagine his life without me it's seems to mean more to me than my own self worth.

I will block him, I just need for him to come and get his remaining items from my garage and then it's done.

I just need to work on myself now.

He said OK lets go together and after we can go to the cinema to see the new top gun film.

Fuck off!!!!
The gall of the man!
Please pm us all his number, so that WE can text him "fuck off" too? [joke]
He cannot hear it enough times, from enough women.