Tiktok Chatting

[Tinachops]

Hello All,

Newbie here looking for some advice,thoughts,comments.. I don’t seem trust my own judgement for some reason?

Im 39, my bf 38, 8 year relationship and we live together. A bit of a bumpy relationship over the years but nothing major, Past 12 months fine, no fighting and seem to understand each other more.

I have my own business which takes up a lot of my free time, start up of 6 months and he has a full time job. He has always been anti social media but has recently discovered tiktok. Now what he is doing on tiktok is not spending time scrolling watching videos but he does live grow parties. This involves people joining his room so they can get 1000 subscribers so they can do their own grow parties. In the parties people give gifts and coins. The grow parties also involve battles, so you join a live cam with said random person and chat for 5 minutes during the battle again people give money. Once the battle is over you move onto a new battle. Now 80% of the battles my boyfriend is having are with women, From all over the world. He has set himself up in the spare bedroom, closes the door and I will be downstairs hearing him talking to them laughing and joking.

And to be honest im pissed, He will spend 30 minutes with me at dinner and go straight back on, as soon as he comes home from work he is on it and also during his work hours he has found a hiding place where non of his colleagues can find him. He has assured me there is nothing going on and its all about the money. Im downstairs after work, tired, dressing gown on, make up off and relaxing. Hes upstairs talking to “mostly” women all glammed up for the camera.

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous. This comes from a man who WAS completely antisocial and generally hating the human race, now he tells me everyone on tiktok are really nice.

He throws it back in my face that I work many hours and sometimes don’t spend much time with him, I have just invested 40k starting up my new business.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

@KettrickenSmiled you are right. I have so much to move on with but as the days pass it doesn't seem to get any easier knowing he is not coming home. The last 3 weeks have been hell but he wasn't a bad man the whole way through our relationship. I just NEVER really felt loved or understood and cared about and as much as I try to explain that to him he would never understand. He would say I'm here aren't I

But for me I saw it deeper, he couldn't just accompany me shopping his alterior motive was HE wanted to go to the cinema over an hour drive away because they have it in IMAX. After a busy week I couldn't think of anything worst.
Ha, well done you.
Once you've 'seen' the dynamic, with a controlling type, you can never un-see it.

Anyway I've just been having a few Bridget Jones moments, 40, single with no kids.
60, single, one stepchild.
Never been more content my dear 😁

I need a man who sees me, for who I really am, who looks at me in that special way and supports me through thick and thin as I would do for him.
Not yet you don't Young Lady.
A good few months - up to a year - of focusing on you, your business, & all you have learned from this turbulent relationship first.

I feel like I'm asking too much.
Yeah, only because you're not ready to be dating again yet.
Chuck some therapy at it.
Sorry iirc he didn;t contribute financially & actually cost you money by cocklodging living with you ... ?
So now you are no longer disadvantaged by that, or 'looking after his lazy arse him' - you have a little time & money to spare: spend it on some therapy, to establish the best way of looking after your business's Number One Asset - you.

Hahahaha the naughty person inside of me would love to do that, thanks for making me laugh.

He couldn't just say ok so if you want to go shopping, I'll come, I'll help you find some new outfits. There had to be another reason why he would go. He never came shopping with me EVER because he HATES shopping. Shoulda woulda, coulda. My gut is screaming no no no. I got this far I just need to stick it out.

I'm just having a bad day again today.
Of course you are - he got in your head again with his kindly offer to go out of your way to an IMAX you didn't want to visit ...
Also ... it's ok to have some bad days.
See post above re: booking some therapy. Give yourself that present, it will help you navigate, them move on from, the odd few bad days.

Sorry I bet your all sick of me by now lol.
Sod off - I'm proud of you! 😂😎😍

@KettrickenSmiled thanks for breaking it down. I do need time alone 100% and I've promised myself that. No men for me, I need to get to know myself again.

A few years ago he told me to "get help" because I used to get so frustrated with him not understanding my side of things it would turn into anger. I went to therapy, they told me it should be couples counselling and it wasn't on me. He came only once and said it was bullshit but I should continue. By the end of the 10 sessions the therapist told me that this is not on me and my feelings are perfectly normal. I learnt to control my anger and have not seen that person again.

He always used to tell me to "get help" and I made a deep promise to myself that if he EVER said it again that was it. And here we are, he told me now I need help over my jealously. That was the nail in the coffin for me.

If I allow it he will chip away because currently I'm feeling sorry for him that's he's on his mums sofa, that he now has to travel much further for work and that he's crying, alone and sad.
Only a heart of stone would be unable to laugh their head off at this.
None of us need to point out that he's not sad do they?
He's not crying - he's acting, & manipulating.
He's not unhappy - he's furious that he blew his cheap lodgings & live-in housekeeper.

I am a girl with a big heart and don't like to upset people and when he says he can't imagine his life without me it's seems to mean more to me than my own self worth.
But ... he lived his life without you when he spent - how long? - not talking to you, spent a surly 30 minutes eating dinners that you cooked, & either ignoring or berating you, when cocklodging off living with you.
Save your big heart for genuine friends, & yourself.

FYI - this is a chapter straight from The Script. The Abuser's Handbook.
They all get issued with one. And they all quote it verbatim.
I'd like to ask PP if they wanna bet how many days it will be before he unleashes the "I'm gonna kill myself" chapter.
But you are going to block him, so we shall have to live without the bet
btw, the chapter that follows the fake suicidal nonsense is usually "You're A Fat Ugly Stupid Bitch And Will Never Find Another Man Willing To Tolerate You".
You really don't need to hang around to hear it.

I will block him, I just need for him to come and get his remaining items from my garage and then it's done.

I would strongly advise not seeing him face to face.

I would pay to have his items sent to him at his mums, without telling him first, at a time it's likely someone will be home to receive them.

Someone will probably say "you shouldn't have to pay" which is true in principle but doesn't change the fact your boundaries aren't currently robust enough, by a long way, to see him face to face.

He will arrive with a hangdog expression and guilt trip you into feeling sorry for him, then worm his way back in whether it's asking to stay for 'just one night', saying he's suicidal or that his mum is kicking him out etc.

Just have his things sent to him, even if it means a small moving van, don't warn him you're doing it and then block him. Worth every penny to be shot of him IMO,

@wellhelloitsme I think your right, it wouldn't grieve me to pay for that. Like you said I'm not strong enough to see him face to face yet or ever. I think I will arrange that tomorrow.

@KettrickenSmiled He is far too proud of a man the threaten suicide. He will call me all the names under the sun to make me feel bad that I've hurt him and that he thought we were forever.

I even brought up the topic of getting married again, he said how dare I in a situation like this. Why would he even consider marrying me with a situation like this hanging over us. I said I'm not proposing to you right now lol I'm saying the simple fact is YOU don't want to get married ever because you think its unnecessary and don't believe in it. He makes feel like some desperado who just HAS to get married, ffs that is not me at all!!

I even brought up the topic of getting married again, he said how dare I in a situation like this. Why would he even consider marrying me with a situation like this hanging over us. I said I'm not proposing to you right now lol I'm saying the simple fact is YOU don't want to get married ever because you think its unnecessary and don't believe in it. He makes feel like some desperado who just HAS to get married, ffs that is not me at all!!

You're trying to reason with someone unreasonable.

All he will have heard when you said that is "she still wants to marry me even after I've called her every name under the sun and put fuck all effort into our relationship for years, the mug."

You cannot reason with someone unreasonable.

You cannot force a narcissist to feel guilty by using the 'right' words or asking the 'right' questions. It's impossible.

This is why no contact is the only way forwards.

All the communications you've described involve you trying to get him to admit he's in the wrong using questions that he will simply hear as statements you will take him back if he chips away, and him showing you he still thinks you're a mug.

No good can come of any contact.

Im really glad you're up for having his stuff all sent to his mums. It's as much closure as you'll get from a break up with someone like him as he'll never say what you need to hear. And you'll be proud of yourself for taking control.

If I was you I would email some local companies for quotes today and then tomorrow you'll have some options.

Hi Tina, so sorry you are having a bad day. And so sorry to hear about your granddad. You know who your friends are when things get really tough and this man is no friend of yours. He is familiar which is not the same thing.
He is like an addict and the first thing when he wakes up and the last thing before he sleeps is his addiction, in this case TikTok. In you mind if you could swap the word TikTok for heroin/booze/cannabis/cocaine how much head room would you give him? How much financial subsidy to live so he could support his addiction?
He wants a way back in because it's cosy and comfortable at yours and it enables his addiction, but that is not your problem, it's his problem. He doesn't want you he wants the life that you provide. You stay strong and keep him away from you.
And make plans, stay busy, take up a new exercise. Do the programs pp suggest and also meet up with friends and maybe plan a trip back to Ireland where you feel like your true self. Well done for kicking him out, that was the best thing you could have done for yourself. You'll get there, have faith in yourself.

@wellhelloitsme I've just put the laptop on and looking for a few companies now. You are completely right you can't reason with the unreasonable I just need to find my self worth because at the moment I mostly feel like the unreasonable one in all this but I know deep down this is not true head vs heart.

@PerseverancePays thank you for your kind words and support. You are right about the addiction thing. He does only want the life I provide him and everything's all good as long as I put up and shut up and that's not me at all!

I think I will plan a little trip to Ireland where I can be myself and enjoy my family who know and love me so much.

I needed this again today as I have to admit wavering but everything you are all telling me is 100% right and I feel it from the bottom of my heart.

Good for you. Once you've sent his stuff back, block him on everything. You are not here on the planet to facilitate his addiction!
Have an amazing time back home.

The rest of his things got sent off to his mums this morning and this afternoon he turned up at my house. I didnt expect it to be him so I opened the door. He had come for 2 things, 1 last ditch attempt to sort things out or take the rest of his things. We talked for a while but the same thing, no empathy for my feelings just he told me that he loved me. I asked him what it was he loved about me and he got frustrated and said for god sake too many questions already. I said well you were quick enough to call me toxic and jealous so if you really love me tell me something. The only thing he could say was that he was here and is interested in me, then I said funny that because I feel you have no interest in my things or hobbies or what pleases me so again please tell me what is it about me and my life that interests you, again he couldn't answer and got very defensive, slammed out into the garden.

He said he was leaving for good and not to try to stop him. I said your things are already on the way to your mothers so all you have to do is close the door now.

He's gone, I'm left in bits and feel obliterated into smithereens. I'm reading all the old messages and convincing myself it was me who over reacted, I should of supported him in his new venture. What type of a woman stops her partner doing things he likes. A toxic one like me :(

I should of supported him in his new venture

You supported him financially while working long hours and put dinner on the table every night for him while he streamed on Tik Tok like a fucking 12 year old kid!

You DID support him. Too much for too long.

Whatever you did, short of total compliance and arse licking. was never ever going to be enough for him.

If you were that bad he wouldn't have come over today with the option of sorting things out.

He's a manipulative wanker and you are so, so well shot of him.

Well done for not faltering today and for getting his stuff gone.

Please block him, make some plans for the weekend (which may be something fun with friends or watching all your favourite movies and shows and having a cry to get it out of your system as often we need that grieving time) and promise yourself you will never allow someone to speak to you the way he spoke to you ever again.

Anyone can say they love you. To love = a verb. Something you do. He didn't love you, he used you. Find your anger and stop beating yourself up.

He verbally abused you, made you feel anxious and self critical, called you names and told you (literally) that he was too good for you and could leave you behind if his Tik Tok stuff came off.

You will honestly in a few months piss yourself laughing that a grown man chose Tik tok over a woman who was working so hard to support him.

Do you feel able to block him?

Also does he have keys to your place? If so, the cost of getting the locks changed instead of having to ask for them back is well worth it and good practice safety wise too.

Girl,you are going into a brilliant new chapter of a happy new life! Tell that deadweight to go hug a landmine.

Thank you, its been a tough day again. That's the thing with us and always has been, total compliance was the only way forward with him. Day to day fine but any big topics or I bought up my "feelings" or behaviour as he called it that's when we got into deep shit, I am not the compliance type of person. I will voice my opinion and if its not heard it doesn't make for a happy me. I generally know when I'm not right and when to back down but this all went way too far with 0 empathy or lack of understanding from his side.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day as today has been dreadful for me.

Feeling the love, thank you.

I am so happy right now. I have become somewhat obsessed with TikTok myself. I don't post videos, I just follow and watch other people. I must not be that far gone...I have never heard of a "grow battle"!

Seriously, TikTok aside he sounds like a non-starter.

All that's going through my head now is the good times, I can't stop crying like a baby, I have a pain in my heart so deep.

Come on now, you know that's just the old trauma bond wreaking its havoc -
www.verywellhealth.com/trauma-bonding-5210779

A few years ago he told me to "get help" because I used to get so frustrated with him not understanding my side of things it would turn into anger. I went to therapy, they told me it should be couples counselling and it wasn't on me. He came only once and said it was bullshit but I should continue. By the end of the 10 sessions the therapist told me that this is not on me and my feelings are perfectly normal. I learnt to control my anger and have not seen that person again.
You do not love this gaslighting arsehole.

He always used to tell me to "get help" and I made a deep promise to myself that if he EVER said it again that was it. And here we are, he told me now I need help over my jealously. That was the nail in the coffin for me.
You made yourself a promise & you've done bloody well to keep it.

He's gone, I'm left in bits and feel obliterated into smithereens. I'm reading all the old messages and convincing myself it was me who over reacted, I should of supported him in his new venture. What type of a woman stops her partner doing things he likes. A toxic one like me :(
You're far from toxic & you bloody well know it.
What you are is a hardheaded, decent woman who is reeling from managing years of cognitive dissonance. It will take a little while for you to start thinking clearly & positively again, & that is natural. You have been conditioned into self-blame & ruminatory self-recrimination, because that became 'safer' than challenging your nasty ex or trying to get your feelings heard. It will pass.

He said he was leaving for good and not to try to stop him. I said your things are already on the way to your mothers so all you have to do is close the door now.
This, btw, was magnificent! 😂😂😂

@KettrickenSmiled Thanks yet again for breaking it down. Today was awful also but better than yesterday not so much crying so I suppose every little step is a step in the right direction. Even though his words and actions have hurt me I can't imagine my life without him, that's the hard part.

It's difficult to accept that how someone has reacted to my feelings has ended and 8 year relationship. Part of me thinks I over reacted and I keep going it over and over. If he would of been more gentle with his reaction it probably would of had a different outcome.

I just need to post this message here to remind me, This was the first message he sent me after I told him I don't want him doing it anymore. Prior to this I had already calmly spoken to him about it 3 times before I popped and said "fuck this"

Absolutely ridiculous situation, unnecessary.
Total Disappointed with you, with your reactions and your toxic attitude with me.
I don't have nothing to apologize, I'm putting all my efforts and better as I can to do a new thing against to sacrifice my free time. I only need your support and your understanding in this moments when I have to push more, but what are you doing right now is to be a shit girlfriend. You are completely blind with your jealous about I don't know what although I explained again and again.
You are not suporting me, you don't want that I advance, you don't want to see me happy.
You have to change this attitude or we don't have much more road to run. your behaviour to me is disgusting and very far to be a positive constructive productive relationship

Christ you'd think he was talking about becoming a bloody barrister not getting bullshit tokens on fucking TikTok.

What an exhaustingly boring, self important, jumped up little twat he is.

OP I promise that at some point in the future you will wake up and laugh at the ridiculousness of this man and with relief you got away from him.

Part of me thinks I over reacted and I keep going it over and over. If he would of been more gentle with his reaction it probably would of had a different outcome.

Yes, the outcome would have been more years of you slogging away at work and being entirely compliant to his wants and needs while he continued to provide you with no meaningful support whether financial or emotional.

So yes, it could have been different.

But thank fuck it wasn't!

@wellhelloitsme yep, yep and yep. I could totally understand his point if I was stopping him furthering his career or something similar. Then yes his words would be true but for fucking coins . Even if he was on there doing something slightly entertaining I could support him.

Your right thank god he didn't pander to me and win me round with sweet words.

Tomorrow will be a better day I can feel it already.

Thank you again.

Good God, I feel furious with him and I don't even know him. 'Cutting his wings'...what a fucking manchild.

You are so, so, so much better than this guy. Own home, own business, hardworking. He's dragging you down.

I would block him because it sounds like you're still susceptible to being sucked back in. He doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you. He's just annoyed he's lost his meal ticket. You gave him a nice, easy life. A subsidised roof over his head, meals, housework, and he couldn't even spare an hour a day for you. No other woman will give him the time of day. He'll realise this very soon if he hasn't already.