Tiktok Chatting

[Tinachops]

Hello All,

Newbie here looking for some advice,thoughts,comments.. I don’t seem trust my own judgement for some reason?

Im 39, my bf 38, 8 year relationship and we live together. A bit of a bumpy relationship over the years but nothing major, Past 12 months fine, no fighting and seem to understand each other more.

I have my own business which takes up a lot of my free time, start up of 6 months and he has a full time job. He has always been anti social media but has recently discovered tiktok. Now what he is doing on tiktok is not spending time scrolling watching videos but he does live grow parties. This involves people joining his room so they can get 1000 subscribers so they can do their own grow parties. In the parties people give gifts and coins. The grow parties also involve battles, so you join a live cam with said random person and chat for 5 minutes during the battle again people give money. Once the battle is over you move onto a new battle. Now 80% of the battles my boyfriend is having are with women, From all over the world. He has set himself up in the spare bedroom, closes the door and I will be downstairs hearing him talking to them laughing and joking.

And to be honest im pissed, He will spend 30 minutes with me at dinner and go straight back on, as soon as he comes home from work he is on it and also during his work hours he has found a hiding place where non of his colleagues can find him. He has assured me there is nothing going on and its all about the money. Im downstairs after work, tired, dressing gown on, make up off and relaxing. Hes upstairs talking to “mostly” women all glammed up for the camera.

He has told me obviously I feel inferior to these people and that I am jealous. This comes from a man who WAS completely antisocial and generally hating the human race, now he tells me everyone on tiktok are really nice.

He throws it back in my face that I work many hours and sometimes don’t spend much time with him, I have just invested 40k starting up my new business.

I really don’t know what to do to be honest. He said he will continue doing it no matter what I say..

Let me start by saying I think he's a selfish bullying arse.
You need to decide what you want and what is actually bothering you here. At the beginning you said you didn't like the time he was spending on TT. Now you're saying you'd be OK if he was talking to men. Which is it?
Fwiw lots of TT battles are between people of the same sex. If that's your condition then suggest it to him.
But it does mean this is about the lack of trust in your relationship. If there's no trust; there's no relationship.

Tik tok can really drag you in as a viewer. If he is getting “life” from doing his “lives” and connecting with people there and by the way it’s not real connection it’s just like gaming but if he feels he gets something from it, he’s lost on there for a bit or while it lasts anyway. He probably feels popular and liked. It can be like that but it’s only on that platform. It doesn’t translate to real life. Sorry I think you’ve lost him to his imaginary life online where he has some popularity.

What a gaslighting git!

Tell him "I'm so disappointed in how immature you are behaving DP. Playing games all night with teenagers - like a teenager. You need to grow up or we're done"

@DaisyQuakeJohnson I don't know anymore I'm completely and utterly confused about the situation. I have mentioned before I'm busy at work and 4 out or 7 nights I spend updating my website with stock. I make sure I switch off 3 nights a week to spend some time with him.

He has a YouTube channel prior to this and still spent many hours upstairs editing videos but would often pop down and say hello or help make dinner. For me it was quite convenient because I could get on with my work but since this tiktok thing he's now behind closed doors, doesn't pop down and I cant message him during the day either as he's connected to this all day.

Your probably right I wouldn't be happy if it was just men as now I don't see or hear him anymore his whole life is now consumed by this. I know I feel more pissed off if I can hear him speaking to a woman and they are laughing and joking...

Wished any of this had never happened :( He's now is complete ignoring me mode and has packed his bag and gone to his mother's for the weekend.

He's 38 and on TikTok? Does he have a ring light and everything to filter out his age? Is he trying to chat up kids or something?

If anyone is still on this thread I would still love to hear your thoughts. My grandad died last night and he has gone to his mother's for the weekend which is about a 2 hour drive away...

Messages as follows -

He said - I'm sorry for your grandfather, Love you

I said thanks, love me really after all those things you have called me

He said - And you? With that attitude unacceptable?

I said- Did I say love you, I am also completely disappointed by your reaction to me not liking and feeling uncomfortable to what you are doing. Instead of looking a solution You have completely dismissed my feelings and called me

A shit girlfriend
Toxic
Jealous
Get help
Fake person
Controlling
Bossy
Non supportive ever
Stupid

And if that's what you think of me I have no words.

He said - Yes to all of the above, I'm not doing nothing wrong, and you want to cut my wings. Because you prefer that I stay in the ”shadow"

I said - I dont want to cut your wings at all but if this what you are going to dedicate your limited free time to then no I do not support you and if its "yes to all of the above" then no you do not love me. Enjoy your weekend in the virtual world.

He said - yes, I will dedicate time to the virtual world, thanks for your understanding and support. How disappointing is all of this, incredible.

Now I'm in guilt stage and sad.

Sorry about your grandad OP

He says it's just a business like me starting up my new business and thar I'm spending most of my time on that now. I admit sometimes I'm working 18 hours but I always ensure there is a dinner on the table

This alone makes me think you've become numb to how appalling his treatment of you is, even if Tik Tok didn't exist!

You work 18 hour days, pay 75% of the bills AND have dinner on the table for him. Why? Why on earth are you making him dinner every night? Why is that your job - you aren't his carer or mother.

He even said to me last night, this is only the start he will have thousands of subscribers and you better get used to it, this is a show and that he will be ontop of the hill waving down at me soon.

This utter contempt for you is almost hilariously arrogant. That he thinks he's going to become too good for you almost?!

So he's telling you to your face that he'll soon be a rich star (thanks to you subbing his lifestyle) and then he'll look down on you...

Why on earth are you still with this man? Tik Tok is a red herring, he's an absolute cunt.

Channel your sadness into anger. Be angry he's taken advantage of you and make a promise to yourself to end this relationship permanently so you can thrive and build a lovely life for yourself.

You're clearly capable, kind and determined.

Bin off this absolute idiot!

He’s an idiot, while he’s at his mum’s pack his stuff and have it ready by the door, I would get the locks changed as well. He does not love or respect you, you are enabling this behaviour by providing him with a place to conduct his ‘business’ and no doubt paying for the wi-fi to boot.

Your relationship sounds toxic, if any close member of my family died my DP would without even asking drive home to support me, he would never text an insincere “sorry” followed by an even more insincere “love you” appended to the end.

Ditch and move on, you can do much better for yourself.

I'm really sorry about your grandfather, that's a horrible thing to happen when you haven't got a supportive partner, today he's confirmed what he thinks of you, he's told you loudly and clearly so listen to him. Leave him at his mothers, hopefully he's not named on the lease. You can be happy without him and you will be, concentrate on yourself and your business for a while, it'll hurt and be hard but seriously you can do this. Let him float away

He is a totally self centred deluded arse I hope it's a ginormous flop for him and please end it OP- very few intelligent women would put up with this - I feel the same about anyone risking large amounts of money on crypto by the way--

OP I am sorry you are going through this - he sounds - inadequate - I would cut my losses.

I agree with you all, I'm having a really tough day with the news of my grandad ontop of this.

He has carried on messaging me today, telling me that I don't want to see him be successful or triumph which is complete and utter bull. He has had many projects and hobbies in the past some of which I have put money in to help him buy the equipment like photography/drone as it could help my business grow too not to mention various sports hobbies and his son which I have always fully supported.

I've blocked him on WhatsApp now, I can't handle anymore today and currently channeling my anger into doing something about it.

Op, im sorry to hear about your grandfather, thats sad news.

Please don't feel guilty about your partner though, he's horrible. Truly horrible. Not only has he said all of that just after the shock of your grandfather has died and you're clearly upset, he has continued to dismiss your feelings. Still refusing to find a compromise. Just whining about himself.

Please pack his stuff and change the locks. You deserve better than him. And by better than him I mean a life without him in it, dragging you down and making you feel awful about yourself.

I think you have to cut your losses and accept he is in far too deep on this one. He is sucked in to this fantasy, and prefers fantasy to reality.

the truth is - he isn’t making much money considering the hours of time he spends on it.
it isn’t sustainable/has no growth potential
hugely antisocial
he still isn’t a true partner- financially or emotionally

I’m so sorry for your loss.

From his side I'm a jealous, toxic person who doesn't want to see him happy.

That's the kind of logic you would expect from self-centred selfish prats. No one is perfect, but at some point you have to decide what dose of "non-perfect" you want to tolerate or not.

Another barrage of "its all your fault" this morning. I dont know how I feel anymore, my heads not straight and his continuous blows at my personality is taking effect.

Im not supporting him, hes only doing it for the money, this is his "new job", its going to get huge and he will be earning big sums of money, im making him suffer because of my jealousy. This is not love because im not supporting him.

He actually said he feels like "Johnny Deep" right now and im a toxic shit.

That all I want is that he hides in a shadows of me and go back to his old routine.

And that yesterday he had battles with 6 guys and only 2 women so whats my problem.

I dont know what to think or say anymore. Ive told him about this thread, I wont show him but I have told him what the general feelings are. What was his reply? That non of you have any fucking idea.

OP the crux of it is that he is not a nice, kind person.

So do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is not nice or kind?

I assume not. So that's that.

Every day you stay in this relationship is a day further away from you being happy and a day more of having your confidence chipped away at.

He sounds absolutely deluded. Like an over excited pre teen desperately trying to prove a point with a sense talking parent. He's actually embarrassing himself, it's all so juvenile.

He has told me if I do not allow him to continue doing his new venture that then I am also not allowed to work from home. Is that a compromise? I don’t have an office as yet, in the business plan this is something to achieve for next year.

He says the labels he has given me are nothing but the reality. He has repeated over and over that I am toxic and jealous and that im pushing him to leave and that I don’t seem to care if he does or not. That he has nothing to hide and is doing nothing wrong.
“You know what, that I am super angry and upset with this ridiculous situation and with you, NOBODY NEVER SUPPORT ME IN NOTHING SO FUCK FUCK AND FUCK. LEAVE ME ALONE
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FORBID ME I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. YOU DONT LOVE ME AND THIS IS NOT HEALTHY LOVE IF YOU DO THIS TO ME, THIS STUPID TOXIC-UNNECESARY SITUATION, IF YOU DO THIS TO ME WE ARE FINISHED.
I have now lost the focus of why all this started and am beginning to think that I am toxic and jealous. Afterall like he said he is doing nothing wrong. Why can I not accept that he is only “talking” to mostly women whilst im in another room or out working.

I'm sorry, but you are just being bullied by him. You need to take charge now. Don't be a victim. Let him go.

He is the toxic one.

He abusive and frankly batshit.

He's trying to confuse and exhaust you into compliance.

He doesn't like you let alone love you.

Do not waste your life with this man.

Do not waste one more day with this man.

He sounds addicted to TikTok. I saw a statistic somewhere that the average user spends around 50 minutes per day on it, which doesn’t sound loads but is far longer than the average time for other social media channels.

TikTok take 50% of what users donate to creators, so few get rich on tips alone. A top creator I know IRL gets about £1500 per month for being on TikTok but she has a unique niche and it is traffic from her TikTok being converted into real life service purchases that creates the bulk of the income. Your DP would be better off using TikTok to set up an account for your real world business and using his knowledge to drive your sales. But he sounds like a bit of a nob TBH. Sorry, I hope you resolve it one way or another.

OP, with all due respect, you need to put out the trash that is your OH.