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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP??

339 replies

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:18

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

OP posts:
Bristlenose · 06/05/2022 07:25

He’s married or has another girlfriend(s).

Why don’t you just go to his house?

Goldybear · 06/05/2022 08:34

Stargurl · 05/05/2022 22:31

I had non idea you could do that ? How do you do it ?

Show quote history

It's easy to do just go into privacy settings and turn off read receipts. See attached.

He can see your messages he's just ignoring you.

Please just forget about this guy and find someone who deserves you.

HELP??
beenwhereyouare · 06/05/2022 08:43

This ^^

You've made him a priority in your life. Has he done the same for you?
Make yourself the priority. Take back your power and your life. We only get one; do you really want to spend yours like this?

It's said that we accept the love we think we deserve. Wait for someone who will want to text you, talk to you, and see you, often. Wait for someone who makes time for you.

Walk away and give yourself the chance to be happy. You deserve that.

beenwhereyouare · 06/05/2022 08:45

By 'This' I meant the poster who said to go to his house. That might tell you a lot.

PurpleDaisies · 06/05/2022 09:09

I wonder if the op even knows where he lives

Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 09:54

I do know where he lives . I've been to his house at least 6 times. And I've met his flatmates.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 06/05/2022 10:07

What do you think about knocking on his door?

have you got a plan for what’s next?

LoveFoolMe · 06/05/2022 10:37

Stargurl · 05/05/2022 22:03

I've never even considered if I have low self worth or the like. Does it sound like I do? I don't want to be dramatic.

Show quote history

Stargurl,

This sounds so tough on you 🙁.

What attachment style do you think you have? www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/

Is it possible that you and he have opposite needs? Space v reassurance. So the more one of you takes, the more the other needs to push/pull the other way?

Do you feel loveable? I hope so because we all are when we're with the right partner!

ChloeHel · 06/05/2022 11:10

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 09:54

I do know where he lives . I've been to his house at least 6 times. And I've met his flatmates.

The way you write this is as if this is really good and acceptable. It’s not.

FartNRoses · 06/05/2022 11:15

This guy either:

  1. Has a girlfriend
  2. Is married (but lives elsewhere)
  3. Shagging around

Have you actually gone out on dates?
Done things as a couple?
Met family or friends?
Basically any other activity besides sex??

lollylo · 06/05/2022 11:35

This sounds really tough, but even if it was a relationship (which after 9 months of dating would be usual), it's not the sort of relationship you want and it's actually making you miserable and unhappy. Also the behaviours are red flags for narcissism on his behalf - look up breadcrumbing and love bombing and how they fit into a narcissist's relationship cycle. You really don't need to be tangled up with him at all - it won't end well.

Just delete him. Easiest way to stop the Whatsapp obsession. BTW the poster who told you about their 20+ year old relationship - we honestly did not use phones, messaging and social media comms in the format we do now, so people weren't as constantly in touch. It's not comparable. But even then, 9 months in, you'd expect to be serious with someone - I was actually moving in with someone at that stage!

I dated my current partner for a couple of months. They asked me on a holiday with their family and I basically said that I wanted clarity if that was going to happen as otherwise it would have felt very strange! We've been in a relationship ever since.

Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 11:55

LoveFoolMe · 06/05/2022 10:37

Stargurl,

This sounds so tough on you 🙁.

What attachment style do you think you have? www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/

Is it possible that you and he have opposite needs? Space v reassurance. So the more one of you takes, the more the other needs to push/pull the other way?

Do you feel loveable? I hope so because we all are when we're with the right partner!

Show quote history

What do you mean by this ? Are you implying what is doing is normal/OK? I don't understand xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 11:56

Feeling down that it's his birthday weekend and I have his presents here, and I don't even know where he is today. I don't know if heS 'in his home town or mine etc. I just want to speak to him :(

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 12:01

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 11:56

Feeling down that it's his birthday weekend and I have his presents here, and I don't even know where he is today. I don't know if heS 'in his home town or mine etc. I just want to speak to him :(

He doesn't care what you want. Do you understand that?

jojogoesbust · 06/05/2022 12:11

You sound very young and naive OP. I mean this in the kindest way but block, and delete. This man has more going on than just you. You are not the only woman in his life.
Get refunds on the gift, and go out this weekend with your friends and forget him. You are not a priority and you do not deserve to be someone's 2nd or 3rd choice, which I think is what you are.
Take control and block him from your life. x

SuziSecondLaw · 06/05/2022 12:23

You're not in a relationship with this guy, you're just 'seeing' him I guess, but you're not even doing that very often. Even before officially being in a relationship with a guy, there's constant daily texting and contact etc.. That's just how it is at the start if you're interested in someone. He's really just not that into you. Move on.

BBQBoke · 06/05/2022 13:11

You seem really determined to pursue this guy who isn't showing the same level of enthusiasm for you. Relationships, especially within the first year, really shouldn't be this difficult and if they are that is a big clue that it isn't going to work. This guy is going to really damage your self esteem if you continue, I don't believe for a second that he is too busy to at least check in once a day or so, because when you actually care about someone you will actively make an effort to contact them out of interest. Do yourself a favour and take control of the situation, bin him and then maybe look into counselling to try and see why you have allowed yourself to accept this situation in the first place, because you deserve much more than what this guy is offering you.

Iamnotamermaid · 06/05/2022 13:39

And the only person this is a surprise for is you. 🙄 Let it go, see other people, do something which does not revolve waiting around waiting for him to message you back.

This is not what you think it is and will never be what you want it to be. You need to move on.

Bristlenose · 06/05/2022 14:08

Can’t you just go round to his house?

You keep ignoring this question and I don’t know why.

Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 14:13

I'm so upset. I've just just on Instagram and he has postedan Instagram story of a birthday banner and balloons saying time to celebrate :( :(

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 06/05/2022 14:30

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 14:13

I'm so upset. I've just just on Instagram and he has postedan Instagram story of a birthday banner and balloons saying time to celebrate :( :(

Oh OP 😞. Do yourself the biggest favour. Call a friend, book a night out or in with a takeaway funded by the money you get for returning his gifts. He's showing you exactly who he is. Believe him x

londonlass71 · 06/05/2022 14:47

This reply has been deleted

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 14:49

OP what more evidence do you need of him not being arsed about you to accept this isn't someone you should be even considering continuing to date?

It's worrying that I think if he messaged you now and said can I come round tomorrow, you'd have him over and have (unprotected) sex with him despite all the evidence he doesn't give a fuck. Is that the case?

What will it take for you to stop seeing him?

Addicted2LuvIsland · 06/05/2022 14:56

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 14:49

OP what more evidence do you need of him not being arsed about you to accept this isn't someone you should be even considering continuing to date?

It's worrying that I think if he messaged you now and said can I come round tomorrow, you'd have him over and have (unprotected) sex with him despite all the evidence he doesn't give a fuck. Is that the case?

What will it take for you to stop seeing him?

She isn't seeing him. She hasn't heard from him for 3 weeks. That's not seeing someone.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 15:05

Oh I completely 100% agree @Addicted2LuvIsland as I said upthread as far as I'm concerned if she hasn't heard from him in so long and he's ignoring her... she's basically been dumped!

I'm just curious as to what he would need to do for her to actually accept that this is not anything close to a healthy or viable 'relationship'.