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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP??

339 replies

Stargurl · 04/05/2022 21:18

Hi everyone, I'm new here so please be nice. I am in a difficult and exasperating situation and just need to discuss it with people who can step back from the situation. I have been dating a guy (aged 29) for a few months. He told me he wants to be exclusive with me. He initiated initiated me and told me he likes me. However, he hardly ever texts me between dates and we seldom see each other any more often than every two weeks. I haven't heard a peep from him in three weeks...but I know he will eventually text asking me to meet up. In person he is absolutely amazing, he's funny, affectionate and fun. We are also physically intimate. I love spending time with with and never want it to end. But after we meet up I don't see nor hear from him for weeks. It doesn't help that i have strong feelings for him and they are just getting stronger. Any advice ? :/ xx

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 17:24

I don't know what I've done to deserve this

He'll be doing this to multiple women. Right now. What you've done is fall for it.

Which I think is what we've all done, to believe that you're genuine.

LoveFoolMe · 06/05/2022 17:30

Spend time with people who make you happy.

Don't waste time on people who don't treat you well.

OnaBegonia · 06/05/2022 17:34

Why therapy ?
Christ on a bike, how is anyone this lacking in basic comprehension and this naive?
And you're still planning to have a conversation with him if he ever deigns to get in touch???
Just BLOCK him, move on!!

Addicted2LuvIsland · 06/05/2022 17:34

Cherry35 · 06/05/2022 16:22

Please wake up, he just wants you for sex!

You're easy sex, just have to date you every 2-3 weeks and don't have to be there for you emotionally.

He already put you in that box, not likely he will change his mind and see you as a serious girlfriend. Don't waste more time with him.

There's plenty of fish in the sea!

He doesn't even want her for sex. Let's be honest they haven't seen one another or spoken for 3 weeks.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 06/05/2022 17:39

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:15

He wrote on his insta story that it's his last chance today to relax before 3 weeks of exams and studying commencing next week .

Yes and you are not included in any of it. I really think just delete him, return the presents, heal and find someone who will give you what you want x

Catcrazy83 · 06/05/2022 17:48

Just reply to his insta story, telling him your glad he’s got time celebrate, but this isn’t working for you, since he has no time for you. Then delete him and move on

Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:48

Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 17:24

I don't know what I've done to deserve this

He'll be doing this to multiple women. Right now. What you've done is fall for it.

Which I think is what we've all done, to believe that you're genuine.

I don't understand, I am genuine? How have I made you fall for anything ...? I've been completely honest with everyone here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:50

OnaBegonia · 06/05/2022 17:34

Why therapy ?
Christ on a bike, how is anyone this lacking in basic comprehension and this naive?
And you're still planning to have a conversation with him if he ever deigns to get in touch???
Just BLOCK him, move on!!

Please can you not speak to me like that ? It is condescending and hurtful. I already feel shit enough as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:51

Addicted2LuvIsland · 06/05/2022 17:39

Yes and you are not included in any of it. I really think just delete him, return the presents, heal and find someone who will give you what you want x

Show quote history

I know I'm not included :( xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:54

I don't think I've been ghosted because this is a regular thing for him if you return to my first ever post on this thread... he often goes MIA for few days/week or two and then returns and starts texting me like completely normal. I'm not condoning it . I'm just saying that I know EVENTUALLY he will text me because he always does. This is his pattern of behaviour. But I have no idea when it will be that he will contact me, i just know from previous experience he inevitably will at some point. Hopefully I'll be stronger by that time. Xx

OP posts:
ChloeHel · 06/05/2022 17:57

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:54

I don't think I've been ghosted because this is a regular thing for him if you return to my first ever post on this thread... he often goes MIA for few days/week or two and then returns and starts texting me like completely normal. I'm not condoning it . I'm just saying that I know EVENTUALLY he will text me because he always does. This is his pattern of behaviour. But I have no idea when it will be that he will contact me, i just know from previous experience he inevitably will at some point. Hopefully I'll be stronger by that time. Xx

Can I ask…has anything any of us have said to you made a difference? Or will you just carry on as normal when he finally decides to contact you?

Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:59

No it has made a difference. Its giving me food for thought definitely. Plus I dodon'have anyone else to speak to about this, and the majority (not all sadly) of people on here are being supportive and kind to me. Xx

OP posts:
ChloeHel · 06/05/2022 18:05

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 17:59

No it has made a difference. Its giving me food for thought definitely. Plus I dodon'have anyone else to speak to about this, and the majority (not all sadly) of people on here are being supportive and kind to me. Xx

Well that is good to read! I do hope you find the strength to pie him off and find someone who deserves you, because it isn’t him!

Addicted2LuvIsland · 06/05/2022 18:08

Catcrazy83 · 06/05/2022 17:48

Just reply to his insta story, telling him your glad he’s got time celebrate, but this isn’t working for you, since he has no time for you. Then delete him and move on

I wouldn't even do that. What for? I can understand maybe after a week or a few days - but 3 weeks?! Just leave it

Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 18:15

I am hoping that by the time he gets in touch with me that I won't want to respond to him. That is what I hope! But being realistic I know that i most likely will respond to him because I'm attached.... however I 1000% will be speaking to him in a much different way than I have previously, and basically give him an ultimatum to step up or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 18:17

But goodness knows when I will actually get to have that conversation ! :/

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 06/05/2022 18:18

Oh OP. This is a tough read. 😬 Please wake up.

He’s done a real number on you. Just know this, if he gave any sort of a shit about you, there’s no way he’d leave texts unread and ignore you for three weeks plus. That’s just so far from normal, it’s insane.

You don’t like it, but listen to the wise women of Mumsnet. Think of them as big sisters. It’s very much a case of ‘been there, done that, told them to fuck off.’

OnaBegonia · 06/05/2022 18:18

@Stargurl
I'm not being hurtful but you are being either deliberately dim or I'm now thinking winding ppl up.
No adult thinks this is acceptable. No adult would even consider having a chat with him.
Why will you not block him?
He doesn't care.

Bristlenose · 06/05/2022 18:19

Block him so you take the power because of course he’ll contact you when he has space in his busy shagging rota. Don’t accept his crumbs.

Get an sti check, he’s probably using the same lines on many others.

Herejustforthisone · 06/05/2022 18:24

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 18:17

But goodness knows when I will actually get to have that conversation ! :/

I think you need to realise that you shouldn’t be pursuing that conversation. Whatever it was is over. It’s his birthday, it’s his ‘only time to have fun’ before his exams, and he has totally excluded you from it.

I’m really sorry but you’ve only seen him, what, nine times or so in the time you’ve been not-really-dating? I desperately wish you hadn’t put your health at risk by not using condoms, that was daft. He’s almost certainly seeing other women too. Good men don’t behave this way.

Salvage your dignity and block him.

Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 18:26

Bristlenose · 06/05/2022 18:19

Block him so you take the power because of course he’ll contact you when he has space in his busy shagging rota. Don’t accept his crumbs.

Get an sti check, he’s probably using the same lines on many others.

I won't be sleeping with him. It would only be a conversation IF I still feel like I want to talk to him at that point Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargurl · 06/05/2022 18:30

Herejustforthisone · 06/05/2022 18:18

Oh OP. This is a tough read. 😬 Please wake up.

He’s done a real number on you. Just know this, if he gave any sort of a shit about you, there’s no way he’d leave texts unread and ignore you for three weeks plus. That’s just so far from normal, it’s insane.

You don’t like it, but listen to the wise women of Mumsnet. Think of them as big sisters. It’s very much a case of ‘been there, done that, told them to fuck off.’

I am listening, I promise ! Everyone that has been kind and supportive I'm appreciative of, and I'm hoping you will all continue to support me and listen to me vent. It's hard because my heart and head are conflicting, and as much as I want to tell him to fuck off like you're suggesting its easier said than done when you've developed feelings for someone after they've encouraged you to develop them. Right or wrong i have attachment and feelings toward him. Nd he has strongly encouraged me to develop those feelings by the way he's acted on dates. However, I have decided I'm going to give him the ultimatum whenever he gets in touch. And no more sex xx

OP posts:
Addicted2LuvIsland · 06/05/2022 18:35

Stargurl · 06/05/2022 18:15

I am hoping that by the time he gets in touch with me that I won't want to respond to him. That is what I hope! But being realistic I know that i most likely will respond to him because I'm attached.... however I 1000% will be speaking to him in a much different way than I have previously, and basically give him an ultimatum to step up or not.

He will just feed you more rubbish I would not even bother. Just block him.

OnaBegonia · 06/05/2022 18:35

. However, I have decided I'm going to give him the ultimatum whenever he gets in touch.
so despite countless advice to block him you will continue to wait starry eyed on his contact to give an ultimatum to a prick that can't even txt you in 3 weeks 🙄
Ffs you're on the wind up

PurpleDaisies · 06/05/2022 18:41

However, I have decided I'm going to give him the ultimatum whenever he gets in touch.

You really aren’t listening. You are enabling him to have all this power over you by sitting, waiting for him to contact you.
If you’re giving him an ultimatum, don’t wait. You contact him.