Counselling - been told I need to 'grow up' in dealing with abusive ex

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A bit of background - split from abusive ex husband years ago but he continues to try and control me through DC11 and multiple custody court cases (we had 2 last year alone). He finally got 50/50 last autumn which he's been trying to get for a long time (to get rid of having to pay maintenance among other things). I still find his behaviour very triggering as when these court cases happen he's very much 'gloves off'. I've had my mental health questioned, my home looked at, my partner looked at...you name it he's tried it. I still find it very difficult to even be physically in his presence as I find him intimidating, despite years of working on this. If I can avoid him I will, which is difficult as when we aren't in the court process, EXH plays the whole 'I'm so reasonable why are you being unreasonable in not wanting to talk to me' card in front of everyone. I keep as much as I can to email with him.

I've been having counselling for over a year, with a counsellor I like and who understands me and my situation. But something they said to me at my session last week has totally thrown me and left me feeling very upset. We were talking about DC and how they're handling things right now, when counsellor told me I need to start being the 'bigger person' and 'grow up' around my ex, like inviting him in for a cuppa, going to parents evening with him (we always do this separately) as it's a burden on the school to do them apart, and how difficult and awful it is for DC to know I don't like their dad. How I should be preparing myself for graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and how awful it will be for DC if I can't be around my EXH for all those important moments.

The session ended with me feeling so upset - I didn't feel validated, felt guilty for not being able to do these things, and a failure of a Mum because I don't want to do this for DC. In all honesty I can't see myself ever being able to do the 'normal' stuff separated parents do, and I know EXH will do them as he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset. So it just makes me look bad, as he frequently takes delight in doing.

Am I right in trying to protect myself, even if it's not ideal for DC? Or is my counsellor right and I should be strapping on the big girl pants and just being more assertive about the whole thing?

Any thoughts or observations very welcome as I'm feeling very low about it all. Thank you.

I wouldn't be inviting my ex into my space for a cuppa. Madness. My ex never attended parent evenings. In the last few years we have managed graduation ceremonies (I fit in with what will make it easier for him and children) and big family events but keep apart.

Of course you are right to protect yourself. I cant belive they said that to you. I think you should change counsellors.

Well, nobody can decide for you whether you want to prioritise your discomfort and unease first over your DCs’. They’re your children.

The counsellor hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s a valid, apposite and relevant point. And a choice that you yourself are putting in very stark terms.

You need to find a new counsellor. They shouldn't be speaking to you like that.

Firstly, it doesn't sound like they do understand abuse if they made that comment. That is dangerous and unhelpful - you need professionals who are experienced and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse (coercive control, the impact on victims, trauma).

Secondly, are they a counsellor or a qualified therapist/psychologist with expertise in trauma?

Because counselling is not an approved intervention for people who are traumatised - the evidence shows that counselling makes the trauma worse and prevents people from healing. So if they are a counsellor delivering counselling, I would strongly advise you pause and review whether you need to find someone who has the right skills to deliver a trauma-informed therapy.

Their lack of understanding of the dynamics of abuse suggests they are not the right person to be working with you and lack the appropriate qualifications and expertise.

I think you need to consider whether this is the right person and the right therapy for your circumstances now. They've provided support in the past but the situation has changed and you have more information. Moving on doesn't invalidate the support you've had previously, but maybe this has just highlighted that this is not right for you anymore. It is ok to move on.

I think telling you to 'grow up' was a poor way of putting it, but she is right that you need to think ahead and how you are going to cope with this as the dc get older as you will need to be in the same room as him at times to have some normality for them.

"Hasn't done anything wrong" - except breaching professional ethics and standards.

Your counsellors wants you to play nice and pretend happy families with an abusive ex.

Absolutely fuck that! I'd be finding a new counsellor.

I don't think it's unreasonable to mention that you might have to prepare yourself for future milestones such as a wedding though!

I’d find another counsellor. The counselling is to talk through things from your perspective, surely, not to make you feel guilty for not putting everyone else’s feelings first. Of course you try to do that with your children, but not even the most thick-skinned numbskull of a counsellor would expect you to do that with an ex who has been abusive and manipulative and whose abuse you are trying to recover from.

If they are saying 'you need to start doing xyx' that's not counselling, that's advice.

I disagree with that advice. From what you say, he is using the court system to continue to abuse you.

Inviting your abuser round for a cup of tea is bad advice. I would be looking for another counsellor.

think ahead and how you are going to cope with this as the dc get older as you will need to be in the same room as him at times to have some normality for them.

No, you don't.

This.

it sounds very projecting and ultimately you have been undermined. It is not a counsellor’s role to tell you what you should do/have to do. Ultimately you are a survivor of domestic abuse and to tell a survivor to ‘grow up’ is abhorrent.

are they with a clinic that you could call reception and ask for a referral to another counsellor?

No you ABSOLUTELY don’t.

The 'counsellor' shouldn't be telling you - nor even suggesting - what to do.

If you feel able to I think it would be good to share with your counsellor how you felt after the last session. I have seen several counsellors over the years and have sometimes felt upset/angry about what they have said or possibly more accurately how I have interpreted what they have said. I think this is a really important conversation to have and could lead to positive progress. After a year in counselling it would be a shame to end like this. Even if you decide to move on and find someone else I think the conversation is worth having even if only to say what you are feeling rather than just cutting ties and never going back. You say you like the counsellor and she understands you and your situation - it sounds as if you gave worked hard to get where you are. If you don’t feel able to say how you feel perhaps send an email.

That’s not counselling and I feel
they have stepped over a line there. Are they part of a free or nhs scheme - if so if flag it up with someone and ask for a new counsellor. You will never feel 💯 that you can trust or be open with the counsellor again and you will be forever second guessing yourself based on the poor advice they gave you.

My ex was abusive and had shared custody- when he collected my son it was on the doorstep. Neither of us ever entered the others homes. There is no need.

if this is a private counsellor you pay for - I’d feedback to them and find someone else.

That counsellor is way out of line. They know that your ex was abusive to you, and continues to be so. So, does this counsellor really think that, by being the bigger person, you will change your ex into a cuddly, compliant ally?

Invite him in for a cuppa? So he can insult you, case your house and use whatever he finds as evidence next time he takes you to court?

No, you need to do what you need to do to keep your safeguarding boundaries in place, so that you can deal with your situation your way. (Apart from anything else, being nice to these abusers comes over as you being weak and a pushover.) You are being the best mother you can to these children by limiting their father's presence in your shared life with them to what you can cope with.

Your DC aren't blind, they probably see and understand far more than you and the counsellor think. When they are older, they will cope with these hypothetical social events - my two do.

The counsellor is totally in the wrong here.

(FWIW, my own experience with counsellors, when I was doing my own divorce, is that they are not infallible. I had one who was particularly bad, so bad that, in once session I openly laughed at one of her proposed solutions, it was so ridiculous.)

@AbbieLexie I wouldn't be inviting my ex into my space for a cuppa.

WTAF was that counsellor thinking, to even suggest that!

Hi OP.

A few observations:
Most people don't have their exes over for a cuppa, let alone ex abusers. That is a ludicrous suggestion. In fact, I'm thinking of a divorced couple I know who coparent very well and get on very well and she once stuck her fingers in her mouth as though to say "gag" when asked if she would be attending a BBQ he invited her to. You have kids together so there has to be some kind of interaction but no you don't need to stir his Tetleys.

Re not being validated during the session: there is sometimes a fine line between validating and enabling. A therapist does not want a client to be stuck in personal narratives and distortions. However the therpists role is to help you, not cause more problems or invalidate you - I would bring it up with them next time if you feel able to to so that they can explain where they were coming from and what they meant by it but TBH I don't know why a therapist would suggest you inviting an ex who abused you your home...

With regards to being "a burden" on the school for doing parent meetings separately - I can assure you it isn't a burden. Schools have to make all kinds of accomodations for parents and children.

Also - therapists are just people. Some of them will do a great job, others a piss poor job. This isn't a reflection on you and it's important to remember that.
I once had severe anxiety after an abusive relationship and couldn't work for a while and was told by my female therapist to "imagine a bubble of light" around me which sounds sweet but I was crying and having a mental breakdown (she was hippy type)

It doesn't sound like she really understands the dynamics of abuse as this is really, really poor advice.

And actually even if you put aside the impact on you, how useful would it be for your child to witness your ex undermining you or worse, which would be likely to happen

If you do want to continue with this counsellor and feel ok to do so you could bring it up with her. I had this with a counsellor who questioned how I had behaved after abuse and at the next session robustly challenged what she'd said. That said I hadn't worked with her long and found it very difficult to come back from it. I did end up changing counsellor not long after

You need another counsellor, this person is no longer suitable for you and they do not understand abuse or abusive relationships at all.

If this person is a member of a counselling body I would report them to this organisation.

In an ideal world you and your ex should be able to co-exist, but sometimes that is not possible, and it is definitely not on you to fix that. I am in your children's shoes here though, with parents who divorced due to infidelity, and they absolutely do not get on. They are both so very clearly over each other and I do wish they could have acted a bit better, but the difference is there was no abuse there. It has tarnished some occasions that should have been special, like my wedding, and kids birthdays, where most of my time was spent making sure they were nowhere near each other, or stagger the parties so they don't have to see each other. I think if this was important to your ex, he should be the one to fix it though, not you, and you probably do need to find another counsellor.

Your counsellor is completely overstepping the boundaries and shouldn’t be saying things like that. Their job is not to judge.

I wouldn’t do any of those things with my ex because he’s an absolute idiot.

Find a new counsellor. If you decide to stay with the one you have ask to start the next session with how they made you feel.

There are some occasions where you will have to find a way to be in the same space without your DC being worried about the occasion, weddings and graduations being the main ones.

That's very different to choosing to have a cuppa together though!

Can you spk to your counsellor next time you see them to go through this a bit more?