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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counselling - been told I need to 'grow up' in dealing with abusive ex

157 replies

pleaserecycleme · 03/05/2022 12:39

A bit of background - split from abusive ex husband years ago but he continues to try and control me through DC11 and multiple custody court cases (we had 2 last year alone). He finally got 50/50 last autumn which he's been trying to get for a long time (to get rid of having to pay maintenance among other things). I still find his behaviour very triggering as when these court cases happen he's very much 'gloves off'. I've had my mental health questioned, my home looked at, my partner looked at...you name it he's tried it. I still find it very difficult to even be physically in his presence as I find him intimidating, despite years of working on this. If I can avoid him I will, which is difficult as when we aren't in the court process, EXH plays the whole 'I'm so reasonable why are you being unreasonable in not wanting to talk to me' card in front of everyone. I keep as much as I can to email with him.

I've been having counselling for over a year, with a counsellor I like and who understands me and my situation. But something they said to me at my session last week has totally thrown me and left me feeling very upset. We were talking about DC and how they're handling things right now, when counsellor told me I need to start being the 'bigger person' and 'grow up' around my ex, like inviting him in for a cuppa, going to parents evening with him (we always do this separately) as it's a burden on the school to do them apart, and how difficult and awful it is for DC to know I don't like their dad. How I should be preparing myself for graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and how awful it will be for DC if I can't be around my EXH for all those important moments.

The session ended with me feeling so upset - I didn't feel validated, felt guilty for not being able to do these things, and a failure of a Mum because I don't want to do this for DC. In all honesty I can't see myself ever being able to do the 'normal' stuff separated parents do, and I know EXH will do them as he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset. So it just makes me look bad, as he frequently takes delight in doing.

Am I right in trying to protect myself, even if it's not ideal for DC? Or is my counsellor right and I should be strapping on the big girl pants and just being more assertive about the whole thing?

Any thoughts or observations very welcome as I'm feeling very low about it all. Thank you.

OP posts:
MaybeSomeDay7 · 04/05/2022 20:12

Please leave the counsellor; they are abusive too. You have done incredibly well, you're a clear thinker, your ex is a total w#$#ker with what he's putting you and your children through.
I'm upset for you that you've formed a trusting relationship with someone who I think has now betrayed you when you're vulnerable and it's their job to know that. They have really fu@#ed up. (You're not weak; you're clearly a fighter). If I'd heard that in a therapy session where I've already invested a year I'd be devastated and really angry at their sheer narcissism. Let them walk a mile in your shoes.
You don't have to do anything together with your ex; in fact most DA advisors say you definitely shouldn't. That is the safest path for your children. Best of luck. I've recently found an incredible counsellor after trying for about 29 years. It can happen. Keep going, one foot in front of the other. Keep looking at lists of local counsellors, have a chat, and work out who makes you feel safe. Xxx

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 20:40

This is basically a thread for wronged women & everyone who disagrees is abusive..stay with counsellor or don’t, glad most people on this thread are not my referrals as responsible parents put children first but this is typical of MN users who play victim & create their own narratives to suit their own needs/wants. Good luck with that.

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 21:19

Well, it's nice to see you acknowledge that OP has been wronged.

I think there is a balance between the best interests of the child, and expecting or demanding a survivor of abuse and assault to make nicey nice with the person that abused and assaulted them.

KittyWithoutAName · 04/05/2022 21:26

glad most people on this thread are not my referrals as responsible parents put children first

Right. Often in abusive situations, social services will have been involved. They advised me not to have contact with ex face-to-face, and to have a mediator who will drop kids to him and back to me etc. So, for you to say responsible parents out kids first... I guess social services aren't teaching parents to be responsible enough.

Or, it's just not in the children's best interests.

Even if mum "plays fair" and has him over for a fucking cuppa or is in the same room, that doesn't mean he won't be making sly comments and digs at her the whole evening, which will create a toxic environment.

The mum can be as "responsible" as she likes, it won't matter if her ex is using every possible little bit of contact he can get to continue to abuse her, or bask in how uncomfortable he makes her.

KittyWithoutAName · 04/05/2022 21:31

And yeah, in an ideal world maybe I would be able to go to my DDs wedding when her dad is there. But he will make abusive verbal comments at me relentlessly the whole time, which will mean I won't be in a good place mentally and I don't want to ruin my DDs day because her dickhead dad can't leave things in the past and wants to continue to abuse me. He is precisely the type to make very insulting and demeaning comments in a calm, measured, straight-faced way, so that then if I show any anger or upset, to everyone looking in, it seems like I'm overly emotional and have The Problem, because he's being Oh So Reasonable. No, I'm not overly emotional, I'm just not made out of stone and there's only so much I can ignore "for the sake of the children". I'm not a saint.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 21:39

All men are bastards..woman scorned etc.

KittyWithoutAName · 04/05/2022 21:45

Nah, I've many a good man in my life weirdo.

knittingaddict · 04/05/2022 22:11

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 21:39

All men are bastards..woman scorned etc.

Nope. Married very happily for 37 years to a decent man.

charlotterousse · 04/05/2022 22:11

Counselling is supposed to be non-directive, meaning the counsellor should be supporting you to figure out what's right for you, not telling you what to do. I'd be saying the exact same thing if they'd told you never to speak to your ex again - it's not their role to dictate to you like that.

cansu · 04/05/2022 22:17

I think inviting him round is a step too far. However, I think you need to think about the future a little. It might be an idea to work towards being less concerned about what he thinks so that you can co-parent better. Maybe it is too early for that now as you are still in court etc but eventually you may have to attend weddings and events where he will be there.

caketherapy · 04/05/2022 23:26

They really shouldn't have said all of that. Unethical. Obviously, try speaking to them if you want to. But I think you need to find someone else.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 11:29

KittyWithoutAName · 04/05/2022 21:26

glad most people on this thread are not my referrals as responsible parents put children first

Right. Often in abusive situations, social services will have been involved. They advised me not to have contact with ex face-to-face, and to have a mediator who will drop kids to him and back to me etc. So, for you to say responsible parents out kids first... I guess social services aren't teaching parents to be responsible enough.

Or, it's just not in the children's best interests.

Even if mum "plays fair" and has him over for a fucking cuppa or is in the same room, that doesn't mean he won't be making sly comments and digs at her the whole evening, which will create a toxic environment.

The mum can be as "responsible" as she likes, it won't matter if her ex is using every possible little bit of contact he can get to continue to abuse her, or bask in how uncomfortable he makes her.

Most Mums don’t play fair, I’ve seen literally hundreds of women who lie about abuse to prevent contact and it’s encouraged by legal professionals in certain circumstances. It’s sad because the women & men who are genuinely abused are put on the same shelf as those who elaborate the truth & make up stories about their domestic environment. Children are ultimately the only victims in this.

mbosnz · 05/05/2022 11:49

@Ifitdoesntmakesense you've certainly made your opinion and beliefs quite clear, I don't think anyone has been left in any doubt. Smile

CloudPine · 05/05/2022 12:03

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 21:39

All men are bastards..woman scorned etc.

You’re not helping to disabuse me of this notion.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 12:04

mbosnz · 05/05/2022 11:49

@Ifitdoesntmakesense you've certainly made your opinion and beliefs quite clear, I don't think anyone has been left in any doubt. Smile

my opinion is formed on experience, no one experience from one person is relevant when I have a case load of 50 per week. I understand that MN do not like anyone who has a differing from ‘wronged Mums’ opinion and clearly this isn’t the place for working professionals.

CloudPine · 05/05/2022 12:20

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 12:04

my opinion is formed on experience, no one experience from one person is relevant when I have a case load of 50 per week. I understand that MN do not like anyone who has a differing from ‘wronged Mums’ opinion and clearly this isn’t the place for working professionals.

Show quote history

If you’re a counsellor, god help women who end up in your ‘care’.

RachelGreeneGreep · 05/05/2022 12:22

charlotterousse · 04/05/2022 22:11

Counselling is supposed to be non-directive, meaning the counsellor should be supporting you to figure out what's right for you, not telling you what to do. I'd be saying the exact same thing if they'd told you never to speak to your ex again - it's not their role to dictate to you like that.

Absolutely this, OP. I attended counselling some years ago, after being bullied relentlessly by a senior manager to the point that my health broke down.

The idea that my counsellor would suggest even for a moment that I should go for coffee with him, for example, would not and should not ever enter the equation.

mbosnz · 05/05/2022 12:25

my opinion is formed on experience, no one experience from one person is relevant when I have a case load of 50 per week.

So you say. Of course, professionals do vary in quality, don't they?

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:07

CloudPine · 05/05/2022 12:20

If you’re a counsellor, god help women who end up in your ‘care’.

Show quote history

I’m not a counsellor thank goodness!

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:08

mbosnz · 05/05/2022 12:25

my opinion is formed on experience, no one experience from one person is relevant when I have a case load of 50 per week.

So you say. Of course, professionals do vary in quality, don't they?

Same as op says has been victim..so she says..many many women say that

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:10

Same as op says has been victim..so she says..many many women say that

And many of them are telling the truth. But never mind, eh? Let's dismiss those ones and concentrate on the liars.

We get the idea. You don't believe OP. Have you anything else to say, or are you just going to keep making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far?

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/05/2022 14:16

You absolutely need to change counsellor. This is outrageous. They need to retrain to understand DV. Please complain and find somebody new. They really shouldn't be doing this job if they're coming out with shit like this 🤬

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:18

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:10

Same as op says has been victim..so she says..many many women say that

And many of them are telling the truth. But never mind, eh? Let's dismiss those ones and concentrate on the liars.

We get the idea. You don't believe OP. Have you anything else to say, or are you just going to keep making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far?

I don’t have to no, but no woman likes to hear they are wrong when it comes to lifestyle choices. I have genuine sympathy with women who have negative experiences with abusive partner as I do with men who are similarly. It’s just usual that women claim victim in most cases.

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:24

@Ifitdoesntmakesense

Have you anything else to say, or are you just going to keep making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far?

Just repeating my question, as you appear to have avoided answering it, whilst once again making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:27

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:24

@Ifitdoesntmakesense

Have you anything else to say, or are you just going to keep making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far?

Just repeating my question, as you appear to have avoided answering it, whilst once again making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far.

What is your question? i can’t see one