Counselling - been told I need to 'grow up' in dealing with abusive ex

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A bit of background - split from abusive ex husband years ago but he continues to try and control me through DC11 and multiple custody court cases (we had 2 last year alone). He finally got 50/50 last autumn which he's been trying to get for a long time (to get rid of having to pay maintenance among other things). I still find his behaviour very triggering as when these court cases happen he's very much 'gloves off'. I've had my mental health questioned, my home looked at, my partner looked at...you name it he's tried it. I still find it very difficult to even be physically in his presence as I find him intimidating, despite years of working on this. If I can avoid him I will, which is difficult as when we aren't in the court process, EXH plays the whole 'I'm so reasonable why are you being unreasonable in not wanting to talk to me' card in front of everyone. I keep as much as I can to email with him.

I've been having counselling for over a year, with a counsellor I like and who understands me and my situation. But something they said to me at my session last week has totally thrown me and left me feeling very upset. We were talking about DC and how they're handling things right now, when counsellor told me I need to start being the 'bigger person' and 'grow up' around my ex, like inviting him in for a cuppa, going to parents evening with him (we always do this separately) as it's a burden on the school to do them apart, and how difficult and awful it is for DC to know I don't like their dad. How I should be preparing myself for graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and how awful it will be for DC if I can't be around my EXH for all those important moments.

The session ended with me feeling so upset - I didn't feel validated, felt guilty for not being able to do these things, and a failure of a Mum because I don't want to do this for DC. In all honesty I can't see myself ever being able to do the 'normal' stuff separated parents do, and I know EXH will do them as he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset. So it just makes me look bad, as he frequently takes delight in doing.

Am I right in trying to protect myself, even if it's not ideal for DC? Or is my counsellor right and I should be strapping on the big girl pants and just being more assertive about the whole thing?

Any thoughts or observations very welcome as I'm feeling very low about it all. Thank you.

It sounds as if she does not understand post separation abuse.

There was a recent AIBU post from a daughter asking about divorced parents attending her wedding as the mum(you in this situation) didn't want to attend or felt very uncomfortable doing so. Many people posted the "she needs to grow up" response aligned to your counsellors advice. I think those that make this comment haven't had an abusive ex. They assume it's a "normal" breakup with a few arguments over how finances are shared.

However an abusive spouse often gets much worse, post separation when they have lost control. If they are clever they don't use physical threats but use subtle intimidation and often court to deplete your emotional and financial resources.

I know of one woman who's post divorce abuse is way worse than anything that went on during the marriage. Her ex is determined that she will be crushed. The courts (who are clueless)force her to engage with her Ex - despite one child being over 16.

Society and courts have to learn that abusers often don't go away quietly once divorce is completed and they will use any event to intimidate. Your counsellor is obviously woefully unexperienced in abuse.

Fucking hell that was a terrible thing for your counsellor to say And it wasn’t a throwaway comment, it was a whole heap of terrible advice demonstrating their absolute cluelessness about abuse.

I know it is very hard to change therapist after doing all that groundwork but I think you are not in good hands. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Your counsellor’s comments and advice is clueless and crass.

How did you find this counsellor what is their experience and qualifications?

Unfortunately anyone can call themselves a counsellor it's not regulated.

Seems clear to me they have no experience of dealing with abusers

You need a professional therapist that understands abuse and trauma not someone who is effectively little more than a chatty "friend"

I'm so sorry the session ended with you feeling so low, that's a horrible feeling. But do you know what's great though OP, YOU have realised that you aren't ok with what the counsellor said, YOU are recognising that you need to look after yourself in ways that work for YOU. And to hell with what other people - the counsellor included - think you "should" be doing.

Yes in an ideal world we'd all cope with our abusive ex's by standing up to them and not letting them play their games, but the actual world isn't like that, and people who haven't been in abusive relationships, or who aren't abuse-trained, very rarely "get it"...my counsellor said to me recently that my abusive ex deserved to find real love with someone because I didn't love him any more; I spent weeks worrying about that before I just about managed to tell the therapist that didn't feel right, or fair...

I'm also a child with divorced parents, and I can promise you that even now I prefer them not to be together at events, so don't be listening to what the counsellor thinks will be "awful" for your kids, as s/he just can't know. For my own situation, I'll be with my XH for the DC's sake if there is no other option, but if we can do stuff separately, that's what I'll be doing.

It is so hard when someone who is supposed to be helping you/you have come to trust, says something that feels so wrong, as a PP says they may be trying to challenge you just a little, or they may just not know what they are doing. The bottom line is what they said is uncomfortable for you, and you know that it is too uncomfortable for you to even consider...so that's where your boundaries must be.

You'll feel better when you realise that you don't need to be in a relationship with anybody who tells you to do stuff that feels weird to you. This includes relationships you have with counsellors and other professionals.

If you don't like it, leave. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. You get to decide what you want and don't want in your life.

What a horrible thing to happen OP. She definitely should not have said those things or in fact told you to do anything positive or negative let alone projecting their issues to you.

I would be looking for a better qualified therapist but I would email her or even meet one last time to say how she made me feel. This might not be for you. I did it in the past and it made me feel better.

Do what is best for you and well done for getting help. So many don't. It's a wonderful thing when you find the right person.

Time for a new counsellor

Wow, that's not ok. A counsellor is there to get you to think about things in ways that might not have occurred to you, to help you reframe things in a more helpful way and to help you see/understand the impact of your behaviour or the behaviour of others on you. A counsellor is not there to tell you what you 'need' to do, they are there to help you work out what is best for you to do.

Is this counsellor with BCAP? If not then I would find someone who is and if they are then i would report what they have told you.

Don't be ridiculous.
The DC's "discomfort & unease" is a fiction created by this counsellor.

Loads of divorced parents manage perfectly well without sharing school parents' evenings or going into each others' homes. There's nothing wrong with that.

This is not an "either/or" situation - the counsellor has made out that OP has to suck up more potential abuse & trauma-triggers, or she's being immature, & her DC will suffer. It's a total red herring - OP can avoid her ex AND her DC can feel comfortable about the situation.

More importantly - OP, please re-read @cornflakedreams post again, & sack off this counsellor. There is no way they should be recommending you interact with your abuser. Please put some energy into finding a replacement for this hugely unprofessional person - but this time, choose a highly recommended trauma therapist with a lot of experience around domestic abuse.

Years ago, l was going to couples counselling with my now ex husband.
I realise now that we shouldn't have been going together, as he was abusive, but it happened.
We were seeing the first counsellor (we didn't stay with her long, for reasons which will become apparent).
I'd had a badly broken (in three places) leg needing surgery and surgical pinning and plating, and l'd been on crutches, non weightbearing, for six weeks.
As a result of which, he'd had to do the food shopping, etc. He'd done the first one, came home, and made me a cup of coffee. Fair enough. But he hadn't put the sugar in it. So l hobbled out to the kitchen on my crutches, and asked, nicely, if he'd mind, passing me the sweeteners and a spoon (obviously you can't carry a full mug of coffee when you're on crutches and one leg).
He was putting the shopping away. He stopped, looked at me, and went absolutely apeshit. Yelled "I can't do this anymore!" (I'd been home from hospital three days!) picked up a wooden kitchen stool and hurled it towards me.
It smashed on the floor, showering me in wood splinters, and denting the floor.
I was standing there on crutches and one leg, thinking, oh my god, he could kill me, and l can't even run for the door (which was about eight feet away).

So. When we went to see the counsellor l told her about this (he was there as well). And her reply? "You must be very houseproud, if you're bothered about a dent in the floor?"
Totally missing the point that l was incapacitated, scared, and in pain after major surgery (l was on very strong pain relief) . And having furniture thrown at me.
I asked to change counsellor after that, and the one we got next was amazing. When l told her about what the first one had said, she shook her head. She said that that counsellor 'obviously wasn't right for me' (the inference was very clear) and that she'd totally missed my point.
You need a counsellor that you trust, who you can be honest with, and who can be honest with you. And the main point that l came away with from the 'good' counsellor was that you should never be made to do (or feel to do) anything that you aren't happy or comfortable with. Please don't be pushed into that.
.

Counsellors peddle snake oil. Do not waste any more of your time or money with this person. This "counsellor" clearly has no experience of dealing with an abuser in an abusive relationship. You don't play nice and drink tea with one. What a foolish piece of advice.

Just like millions of other kids, the DC's "normality" is that they now see their parents separately.

Just like millions of other kids, having your folks divorce is unpleasant, there is a period of adjustment, & it becomes "normal" for mum & dad not to be in the same spaces together.

Anyone suggesting OP ought to place herself in proximity to the man who abused & traumatised her - just to 'keep up appearances' doesn't understand the dynamics of abuse, or its after-effects.

Thank you al, its good to get perspective on this so I appreciate the responses. @Fireflygal absolutely the post-separation abuse has been worse. My EXH hit me, deprived me of finances, emotionally abused me...the works. But after I left him its been worse, the physical abuse stopped but everything else ramped up. I completely identify with that.

I think I'll go into the next session and as some have said, discuss this further with the counsellor. Although accredited (I did check before starting with them) I've been seeing them privately so not NHS or anything like that. I can always look for another one.

"I think I'll go into the next session and as some have said, discuss this further with the counsellor".

I would not bother doing this

"Although accredited (I did check before starting with them) I've been seeing them privately so not NHS or anything like that. I can always look for another one".

Do look for another counsellor and or give Womens Aid a call/contact via their chat facility. I would report them to their governing body regardless as this person should not be counselling victims of domestic violence/abuse.

Very poor advice. Why should you make friends with your abuser? Also, it would send all the wrong messages to your kids about abuse.

What kind of counselling was this? I would expect counselling to help you reinforce proper boundaries, and inviting someone who has physically attacked you previously into your home is deeply inappropriate.

I wouldn't go back to that counsellor if I were you. It actually reminded me of the time I went to relationship counselling with my ex boyfriend. I lasted 2 sessions, because it was all about what he wanted and what I should to make sure he didn't leave. It made me feel so bleak about my future that I couldn't take any more and I guess it was effective as it encouraged me to leave him! Although the counsellor said she was trying to do everything to make him stay, it was such old fashioned advice (e.g. I was to make sure I got back from work before him to make him a "tasty" cooked dinner every night and buy candles to make the bedroom "a romantic place" and I was also to say certain things that kept him happy) that I found it utterly ludicrous. That was with Relate though. I actually am good friend with my ex now and he admitted that he didn't know how he didn't burst out laughing

The counsellor sounds beyond shit. Do they have a governing body you could report them to? Just appalling. Then get a new one.

Is your counsellor actually qualified and not through some mickey mouse online training? sounds very unprofessional advising such shite.

'Accreditted,' really? Sounds a complete idiot to me,
achat that's laughable and disturbing. Relate person obviously didn't have a clue.

You've responded emotionally to what she said which means you might have missed some nuance.
They would be wrong to use that wording of 'grow up' but if the sentiment was 'focus on trying to disengage, stop reacting emotionally to your ex and try to aim for being able to see them at family events' then that would be a reasonable position for a counsellor to take. Although suggesting you invite him in for tea is nonsense. There's never any need to do that with an abuser.

As the daughter of divorced parents it would have been Much nicer if they could have been civil. When I got married we eloped so that my parents didn’t have to be in the same room etc etc. it leads to sadness and issues for the kids. Maybe the counsellor used a poor choice of words but do think of the impact yours and your ex’s relationship will impact your kids in the future

Time to find a new councilor.
Any of them worth their salt would tell you to avoid your abuser as much as possible. Not put yourself in harms way..

OP, no one truly gets the upset and stress you feel unless they have been in your shoes. I am close to my sister's but even they say I should make more effort for my now grown up children. It stings because they act like I am choosing to avoid ex out of spite, when in fact I feel very upset and stressed and even scared to be in his presence. Even with my now DH with me my ex still intimidates me. At my dd graduation I asked for a ticket at the opposite side of the hall. I would far rather sit alone than with him. After graduation ex took dd and her bf for lunch before going home. I hung around with my DH then met my dd and took her shopping then out for dinner before going home. At her wedding luckily she sat us on different round tables and I managed to avoid ex for most of day. He does things to upset me intentionally like at wedding of dd he took floral corsage meant for me and gave it to his current partner to wear so I was left with just a carnation. Luckily my eldest son sees through him and challenges him. When dgc were born I was invited one day and ex the following day, however he deliberately arrived on my day pretending he had got mixed up, then he had travelled so far was not worth traveling home then back next day. He told me immediately after I divorced him. "I will spend the rest of my life making you miserable". He still tried to do this. Your counsellor should understand how your ex makes you feel and give you strategies to deal with your ex. You do not have to be in his presence ever, if you don't want to be.

Staggeringly unprofessional on her part. I wouldn’t go back to her .

I'm a counsellor.

They shouldn't be giving advice and certainly not using terms such as 'grow up'.

If I (hypothetically) were your Counsellor and you'd expressed worry on how to handle such events in the future, I may very gently ask you how you felt about things like that.

But that's as directive as I'd get. They shouldn't have done that.