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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counselling - been told I need to 'grow up' in dealing with abusive ex

157 replies

pleaserecycleme · 03/05/2022 12:39

A bit of background - split from abusive ex husband years ago but he continues to try and control me through DC11 and multiple custody court cases (we had 2 last year alone). He finally got 50/50 last autumn which he's been trying to get for a long time (to get rid of having to pay maintenance among other things). I still find his behaviour very triggering as when these court cases happen he's very much 'gloves off'. I've had my mental health questioned, my home looked at, my partner looked at...you name it he's tried it. I still find it very difficult to even be physically in his presence as I find him intimidating, despite years of working on this. If I can avoid him I will, which is difficult as when we aren't in the court process, EXH plays the whole 'I'm so reasonable why are you being unreasonable in not wanting to talk to me' card in front of everyone. I keep as much as I can to email with him.

I've been having counselling for over a year, with a counsellor I like and who understands me and my situation. But something they said to me at my session last week has totally thrown me and left me feeling very upset. We were talking about DC and how they're handling things right now, when counsellor told me I need to start being the 'bigger person' and 'grow up' around my ex, like inviting him in for a cuppa, going to parents evening with him (we always do this separately) as it's a burden on the school to do them apart, and how difficult and awful it is for DC to know I don't like their dad. How I should be preparing myself for graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and how awful it will be for DC if I can't be around my EXH for all those important moments.

The session ended with me feeling so upset - I didn't feel validated, felt guilty for not being able to do these things, and a failure of a Mum because I don't want to do this for DC. In all honesty I can't see myself ever being able to do the 'normal' stuff separated parents do, and I know EXH will do them as he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset. So it just makes me look bad, as he frequently takes delight in doing.

Am I right in trying to protect myself, even if it's not ideal for DC? Or is my counsellor right and I should be strapping on the big girl pants and just being more assertive about the whole thing?

Any thoughts or observations very welcome as I'm feeling very low about it all. Thank you.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:35

@Ifitdoesntmakesense

are you just going to keep making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far

It's just a simple yes or no one. Clearly you don't get it. Not to worry.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:39

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:35

@Ifitdoesntmakesense

are you just going to keep making the same unhelpful point over and over, as you have so far

It's just a simple yes or no one. Clearly you don't get it. Not to worry.

Unfortunately it’s people like you that make professional work so difficult because every councillor, therapist, solicitor, social worker, GP, etc is wrong as far as your type is concerned. You may not agree but not everyone is wrong. Your opinion is not fact & sometimes we are all right. Disagree as you will, good luck to you.

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:44

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:39

Unfortunately it’s people like you that make professional work so difficult because every councillor, therapist, solicitor, social worker, GP, etc is wrong as far as your type is concerned. You may not agree but not everyone is wrong. Your opinion is not fact & sometimes we are all right. Disagree as you will, good luck to you.

Show quote history

But I've agreed you may be right. My point is that other things may be true too, and that you don't know the facts.

We've all got your point. You've experienced this a lot, and you think OP is lying. That's fine. Have you anything further to say? You don't seem to have.

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:45

I suspect that a professional like yourself would know how to spell counsellor, too!

DaughterofBrum · 05/05/2022 14:52

The guy banging on about how women are bitter lying harridans is becoming a common thing on here, where any thread title suggests comparison of men or women, or residence disputes. They read very similarly. Probably one MRA/ incel type thinking he's riling up the bitter angry women. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:53

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:45

I suspect that a professional like yourself would know how to spell counsellor, too!

Stop grasping at straws its an iPhone spelling correction! And stop the ‘have you got anything else to say’ I didn’t think so nonsense this isn't insta or tiktok & we’re not children. Nobody knows the facts of this post & we are all faceless posters. I can only draw on experience which I would assume is more than most. I don’t necessarily believe the op because most women claim they have been the victim of abuse when it comes to child access & the fact that men have to ask permission to see their own children is ludicrous as far as I’m concerned.

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 14:55

DaughterofBrum · 05/05/2022 14:52

The guy banging on about how women are bitter lying harridans is becoming a common thing on here, where any thread title suggests comparison of men or women, or residence disputes. They read very similarly. Probably one MRA/ incel type thinking he's riling up the bitter angry women. Don't give him the satisfaction.

I think the mis-spelling of a word the PP would commonly use professionally, if genuine, has been an amusing cock up.

kateandme · 05/05/2022 15:02

cornflakedreams · 03/05/2022 12:47

Firstly, it doesn't sound like they do understand abuse if they made that comment. That is dangerous and unhelpful - you need professionals who are experienced and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse (coercive control, the impact on victims, trauma).

Secondly, are they a counsellor or a qualified therapist/psychologist with expertise in trauma?

Because counselling is not an approved intervention for people who are traumatised - the evidence shows that counselling makes the trauma worse and prevents people from healing. So if they are a counsellor delivering counselling, I would strongly advise you pause and review whether you need to find someone who has the right skills to deliver a trauma-informed therapy.

Their lack of understanding of the dynamics of abuse suggests they are not the right person to be working with you and lack the appropriate qualifications and expertise.

I think you need to consider whether this is the right person and the right therapy for your circumstances now. They've provided support in the past but the situation has changed and you have more information. Moving on doesn't invalidate the support you've had previously, but maybe this has just highlighted that this is not right for you anymore. It is ok to move on.

What care should those with trauma be getting?honest question no sarcasm here.

DaughterofBrum · 05/05/2022 15:03

I love that on the whole everyone's been polite and reasonable with him while he bangs on about feminine lies and selfishness (or any other regular theme of MRA nonsense). He's also tried to have a swipe at mumsnet users. He's a pretty frequent user.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:14

DaughterofBrum · 05/05/2022 14:52

The guy banging on about how women are bitter lying harridans is becoming a common thing on here, where any thread title suggests comparison of men or women, or residence disputes. They read very similarly. Probably one MRA/ incel type thinking he's riling up the bitter angry women. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Cheers Daughters - I stopped engaging directly with the MRA activist a few pages back for this very reason. Asked him not to @ me again, to which he obviously @'d me again, as this type needs the last word, no matter how asinine that word is.

I don’t necessarily believe the op because most women claim they have been the victim of abuse
😂😂😂
Opined with such confidence it's almost as if the PP reckons this is a fact!
Funny how he can't respond to any requests for stats, given his soi-disant "professional knowledge" of "50 cases a week" ...

when it comes to child access & the fact that men have to ask permission to see their own children
Except they don't.

is ludicrous as far as I’m concerned.
of course it's ludicrous - it's made up. (Much like this PP's ancedotes & 'professional' standing)

CloudPine · 05/05/2022 15:26

You've got to admit, these types certainly know how to make a conversation all about them.

Watchkeys · 05/05/2022 15:27

There's really no need to grasp at straws. I'm going to stop tagging you now, and I request that you stop tagging me. Thank you

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 15:37

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:14

Cheers Daughters - I stopped engaging directly with the MRA activist a few pages back for this very reason. Asked him not to @ me again, to which he obviously @'d me again, as this type needs the last word, no matter how asinine that word is.

I don’t necessarily believe the op because most women claim they have been the victim of abuse
😂😂😂
Opined with such confidence it's almost as if the PP reckons this is a fact!
Funny how he can't respond to any requests for stats, given his soi-disant "professional knowledge" of "50 cases a week" ...

when it comes to child access & the fact that men have to ask permission to see their own children
Except they don't.

is ludicrous as far as I’m concerned.
of course it's ludicrous - it's made up. (Much like this PP's ancedotes & 'professional' standing)

Show quote history

I’m not male I’m female (born). My husband and I have residency of DSD & DSD & I’m work in social care so you all can belittle me because it makes it easier however I see this regularly and it doesn’t make it right. My friend (in same profession) said to come on here and see exactly what she means..now I do!

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:42

I was waiting to call 'bingo' on the "I'm not a man, I'm just a woman with a severe case of internalised misogyny & an unintelligent friend with the same confirmation bias" card - but it's a bit long-winded, & I am not prepared to get sucked back in to a certain PP's monomania.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 15:42

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:42

I was waiting to call 'bingo' on the "I'm not a man, I'm just a woman with a severe case of internalised misogyny & an unintelligent friend with the same confirmation bias" card - but it's a bit long-winded, & I am not prepared to get sucked back in to a certain PP's monomania.

well done you

mbosnz · 05/05/2022 15:44

So, MRA and Incel, are along the same lines as those tedious old dears 'Fathers for 'Justice'', are they?

The leopard cannot change its shorts, it seems. . .

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:45

Hope you are doing well today @pleaserecycleme - enjoying the sunshine with DC this evening & dismissing the ridiculous 'advice' your counsellor blurted out at you.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 15:45

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 15:42

I was waiting to call 'bingo' on the "I'm not a man, I'm just a woman with a severe case of internalised misogyny & an unintelligent friend with the same confirmation bias" card - but it's a bit long-winded, & I am not prepared to get sucked back in to a certain PP's monomania.

I’m also guessing you are single, on benefits, secondary school education only..bingo

mbosnz · 05/05/2022 15:52

I'd be strongly concerned about an alleged professional who is prepared to state:

most women claim they have been the victim of abuse when it comes to child access & the fact that men have to ask permission to see their own children is ludicrous as far as I’m concerned

It smacks of prejudging individuals and potentially outcomes, and seems to place mens' 'rights' to see their own children, above the best interests of the children.

KittyWithoutAName · 05/05/2022 16:03

that men have to ask permission to see their own children is ludicrous as far as I’m concerned

Whoever is the non-resident parent has to ask permission.

How would it work if the non-resident parent just decided they could turn up and see their child whenever the hell they wanted?

You assume every parent acts reasonably.

There will be some non-resident parents who turn up when their child is on their way to the park with some friends, or a birthday party, or some event, and demand that everyone else simply change their plans that day to suit them.

You cannot allow anyone to just randomly show up at your house, parent or not.

That's why contact arrangement exists.

And it's not always dads. My mum had to "ask permission" to see me, and we then implemented a contact arrangement. Simple really.

AchatAVendre · 05/05/2022 16:57

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 14:08

Same as op says has been victim..so she says..many many women say that

Show quote history

Can you rephrase this in more standard English, using the indefinite article where appropriate? Its really difficult to see what it is you are actually trying to say.

Bluedabadeeba · 05/05/2022 17:04

Please report them!!! Totally inappropriate. So sorry you had to go through that on top of everything else. No, you don't have to do these things. What an ignorant 'professional'!

Big hugs.💐

movingon2022 · 05/05/2022 22:49

This here is a place where people come to ask for help and support.
I suggest that those of you who are not willing/able to give that to the OP remove yourselves from the thread.

EL8888 · 05/05/2022 22:54

YANBU they are being unreasonable and ridiculous. To be honest l wouldn’t go back after that previous session. They sound breath takingly naive, unprofessional and unrealistic. As others have said they shouldn’t be telling you what to do. Really shouldn’t say “grow up”

CloudPine · 06/05/2022 10:30

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 05/05/2022 15:45

I’m also guessing you are single, on benefits, secondary school education only..bingo

Show quote history

If you were posting under your real name, I would report you to the appropriate body for writing this. There's simply no way you can be practising unconditional positive regard towards your clients. There's no way you don't discriminate.

That's the last time I respond to you - you're trolling this thread and making it all about you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread