Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counselling - been told I need to 'grow up' in dealing with abusive ex

157 replies

pleaserecycleme · 03/05/2022 12:39

A bit of background - split from abusive ex husband years ago but he continues to try and control me through DC11 and multiple custody court cases (we had 2 last year alone). He finally got 50/50 last autumn which he's been trying to get for a long time (to get rid of having to pay maintenance among other things). I still find his behaviour very triggering as when these court cases happen he's very much 'gloves off'. I've had my mental health questioned, my home looked at, my partner looked at...you name it he's tried it. I still find it very difficult to even be physically in his presence as I find him intimidating, despite years of working on this. If I can avoid him I will, which is difficult as when we aren't in the court process, EXH plays the whole 'I'm so reasonable why are you being unreasonable in not wanting to talk to me' card in front of everyone. I keep as much as I can to email with him.

I've been having counselling for over a year, with a counsellor I like and who understands me and my situation. But something they said to me at my session last week has totally thrown me and left me feeling very upset. We were talking about DC and how they're handling things right now, when counsellor told me I need to start being the 'bigger person' and 'grow up' around my ex, like inviting him in for a cuppa, going to parents evening with him (we always do this separately) as it's a burden on the school to do them apart, and how difficult and awful it is for DC to know I don't like their dad. How I should be preparing myself for graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and how awful it will be for DC if I can't be around my EXH for all those important moments.

The session ended with me feeling so upset - I didn't feel validated, felt guilty for not being able to do these things, and a failure of a Mum because I don't want to do this for DC. In all honesty I can't see myself ever being able to do the 'normal' stuff separated parents do, and I know EXH will do them as he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset. So it just makes me look bad, as he frequently takes delight in doing.

Am I right in trying to protect myself, even if it's not ideal for DC? Or is my counsellor right and I should be strapping on the big girl pants and just being more assertive about the whole thing?

Any thoughts or observations very welcome as I'm feeling very low about it all. Thank you.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 04/05/2022 14:58

My son in law is 100% abusive. I've seen him in operation.

He went from no contact to contact centre to the usual amount of contact. If he had lived nearby he may well have got 50/50. You do not understand how fucked up the family courts are Ifitdoesntmakesense. Your post is disgraceful.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 15:00

Ah, now I see where you're coming from @Ifitdoesntmakesense

Thanks for outing yourself to clearly for everyone to see, & kindly do me the courtesy of never tagging me again. I'll return the compliment.
Enjoy the rest of your misogynistic, victim-blaming life. Cheerio!

motogirl · 04/05/2022 15:00

Context is everything but yes you should be able to attend parents evenings together (schools shouldn't have to accommodate you separately) and you do need to stand up to him, not to be intimidated. You need to be strong for the children.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 15:01

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 15:00

Ah, now I see where you're coming from @Ifitdoesntmakesense

Thanks for outing yourself to clearly for everyone to see, & kindly do me the courtesy of never tagging me again. I'll return the compliment.
Enjoy the rest of your misogynistic, victim-blaming life. Cheerio!

Grow up

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/05/2022 15:05

I'm sorry but I think your counsellor sounds like a bloody idiot, my first husband was exactly the same and I've lost count of the number of court cases he dragged us too.
You cannot be the "bigger person" with an abusive man you need to cut them right out of your life and there would be absolutely NO chance of me inviting an abusive man into my home.
He took me to court once too often and the judge at that time decided he was causing such harm to me and DS with these endless hearings (after 5 years) he gave me full custody and banned my ex from seeing DS until he was an adult.
Our lives were instantly wonderful and 30 years later DS said it was the best thing to ever happen to him.
Abusive men do not suddenly stop being abusive if you invite them in for a cup of tea - they are abusive forever. Would she say such a stupid thing to a victim of domestic violence? This is no different.

knittingaddict · 04/05/2022 15:55

Honestly the lack of knowledge about what abusive relationships are like is astonishing, if some of these posts are anything to go by. Yes, why don't abused women just stand up to their abusers. That should go well.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 16:14

Quite, @knittingaddict

And the attitude some PP have displayed on this thread is precisely part of why so many DA victims are unable to "grow up & put your children first", as one of the more virulent of them chose to misrepresent it.

Hard to believe in yourself when people around you tell you you are inventing the abuse.

Iflyaway · 04/05/2022 16:20

What a dreadful counsellor!

I've been to some of those too. Got the training and the diploma, but no life experience at all as in divorce, toxic ex's, abuse etc.

I would ask for a new one. That will flag her up as insensitive to your situation.

Apricote · 04/05/2022 16:29

Unbelievable victim blaming bullshit from Ifitdoesntmakesense.

Apricote · 04/05/2022 16:30

You need to change counsellors OP. Why would you be over what your ex did when he would clearly keep doing it if he got the chance? When your therapist is trying to dismantle your own healthy boundaries there's something wrong.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Troll hunting

Watchkeys · 04/05/2022 16:40

@Ifitdoesntmakesense

What's the point in getting involved in a forum if you're not going to believe what people say? Surely you're wasting your time?

knittingaddict · 04/05/2022 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Troll hunting

Truth or not is totally irrelevant. If I'm going to post about domestic abuse I'm not going to rubbish the victims just because something may or may not be a true story. The truth is that justice for abuse victims is rare and children do get to spend time with their abusive parents. I've seen it happen.

Also other victims will read this thread and they don't matter?

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 18:03

The point for me is that I can tell by the post that she doesn’t want her child to have any contact with father, I can tell by her language that she has tried to stop contact & is not happy that the court awarded 50/50 so based on how often I see this language from Mothers in the same position I’m reluctant to believe that this is the genuine situation just her version of it. I don’t agree with the mentality that mothers are more valuable to their children than fathers but women in general and from my experience are usually very angry and bitter & use a myriad of reasons (top one being abuse) to block contact.

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 18:13

@Ifitdoesntmakesense you're sounding a tad biased there, which might of course, be skewing your perception. You sound like you're assuming a person asserting domestic violence (particularly a woman) either must be lying, or is more than likely than not lying, because of people in your alleged experience.

I'd be wary of 50/50 contact too, if I had been abused, and at having that kind of contact weaponised against me. I think survivors of domestic abuse and violence have every right to be bitter and angry at their abuser. Like any person who is the victim of criminal assault, particularly if it is ongoing.

CloudPine · 04/05/2022 18:31

Glad to see so many people telling you clearly to ditch this counsellor. They have over-stepped a professional and ethical line, and you do not need to feel bad for changing therapist.

I wish you well.

Ifitdoesntmakesense · 04/05/2022 18:59

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 18:13

@Ifitdoesntmakesense you're sounding a tad biased there, which might of course, be skewing your perception. You sound like you're assuming a person asserting domestic violence (particularly a woman) either must be lying, or is more than likely than not lying, because of people in your alleged experience.

I'd be wary of 50/50 contact too, if I had been abused, and at having that kind of contact weaponised against me. I think survivors of domestic abuse and violence have every right to be bitter and angry at their abuser. Like any person who is the victim of criminal assault, particularly if it is ongoing.

My alleged experience is just as alleged as the DV the op claims she suffered but you don’t doubt that!

TurquoiseDragon · 04/05/2022 19:01

muckandnettles · 03/05/2022 12:49

I think telling you to 'grow up' was a poor way of putting it, but she is right that you need to think ahead and how you are going to cope with this as the dc get older as you will need to be in the same room as him at times to have some normality for them.

My abusive ex raped me, and never, ever acknowledged it. I had no evidence to try and report to the police. I would never be in the same room as him, and the DC would never have expected me to. They didn't know about the rapes, but they'd been emotionally and verbally abused as well and didn't want to ever see him again after we left. He never acctually hit us, but the implication was frequently there.

So our normality is him not in our lives at all. Anyway he died suddenly, so we no longer have any fear.

But the reason I'm writing this, is that it's not always possible, or advisable, to try and create a semblance of the old "normality". People should not be expected to open themselves up to further abuse in order to maintain a fiction.

mbosnz · 04/05/2022 19:05

Quite. So, your alleged experience should be taken as gospel, but you feel entitled to question and diminish OP's stated experience?

I don't really understand why you think anyone other than your own self would find you any more credible in your assertions, and what the OP said as therefore not being credible.

Particularly in the case of the quite considerable number of posters that have experiences that contradict your assertions.

Theworldisquiethere · 04/05/2022 19:09

I don’t think changing counsellors is enough, you need to report the counsellor. If they’re talking to all of their clients like that they will be causing a lot of harm.

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2022 19:09

Yeah well if your counsellor hasn’t walked in your shoes they have no idea the trauma of being in the vicinity of abusive ex partners.

we’ll all be ice skating in hell before I become ‘the bigger person’ and willingly walk into the same room as ex/speak to him in any shape or form. So if my dc (they won’t they have horrific memories of him) want ex at their graduations/weddings/whatever I won’t be there.

it’s always the person who’s been subject to abuse who’s told to ‘suck it up’ be the ‘bigger person’ ‘forgive’ ‘be kind’… nope I’m quite happy not being the bigger person.

jollygoose · 04/05/2022 19:16

I understood that the role of a counsellor was to guide you towards finding your own solution and to help with emotion and self control. You certainly should not be told how friendly or otherwise you need to be towards ex. Time for a new counsellor.

KittyWithoutAName · 04/05/2022 19:22

Context is everything but yes you should be able to attend parents evenings together

So I should have to go with someone who bangs on about how much of a disgusting slag I am and how I'm a bad mother and my whole family deserve to die? Yeah, that would make a healthy, comfortable evening. Especially when any negative thing the teacher has to say, he will be whispering that it's all my fault and using it as more evidence of how shit I am and how my daughter deserves better etc.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/05/2022 19:40

Deep breaths @KittyWithoutAName - this too shall pass Flowers

& to be fair to the PP you quoted, iirc she went on to say that dual parents' evenings should be possible now, as some schools are more switched on to the need to facilitate separate teacher/parent interactions for estranged parents.
It didn't read to me as a dictate that you ought to endure your ex's shit!

Herejustforthisone · 04/05/2022 20:07

If I were you, the only thing I’d be getting more vocal about is how much my ex had abused me to explain precisely why I found his presence frightening and intimidating. I’d make sure everyone knew. And if needs be, I’d evidence it.

But I’m saying that as someone not in an abusive relationship. I expect it’s probably the wrong thing to do.