Counselling - been told I need to 'grow up' in dealing with abusive ex

[pleaserecycleme]

A bit of background - split from abusive ex husband years ago but he continues to try and control me through DC11 and multiple custody court cases (we had 2 last year alone). He finally got 50/50 last autumn which he's been trying to get for a long time (to get rid of having to pay maintenance among other things). I still find his behaviour very triggering as when these court cases happen he's very much 'gloves off'. I've had my mental health questioned, my home looked at, my partner looked at...you name it he's tried it. I still find it very difficult to even be physically in his presence as I find him intimidating, despite years of working on this. If I can avoid him I will, which is difficult as when we aren't in the court process, EXH plays the whole 'I'm so reasonable why are you being unreasonable in not wanting to talk to me' card in front of everyone. I keep as much as I can to email with him.

I've been having counselling for over a year, with a counsellor I like and who understands me and my situation. But something they said to me at my session last week has totally thrown me and left me feeling very upset. We were talking about DC and how they're handling things right now, when counsellor told me I need to start being the 'bigger person' and 'grow up' around my ex, like inviting him in for a cuppa, going to parents evening with him (we always do this separately) as it's a burden on the school to do them apart, and how difficult and awful it is for DC to know I don't like their dad. How I should be preparing myself for graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and how awful it will be for DC if I can't be around my EXH for all those important moments.

The session ended with me feeling so upset - I didn't feel validated, felt guilty for not being able to do these things, and a failure of a Mum because I don't want to do this for DC. In all honesty I can't see myself ever being able to do the 'normal' stuff separated parents do, and I know EXH will do them as he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset. So it just makes me look bad, as he frequently takes delight in doing.

Am I right in trying to protect myself, even if it's not ideal for DC? Or is my counsellor right and I should be strapping on the big girl pants and just being more assertive about the whole thing?

Any thoughts or observations very welcome as I'm feeling very low about it all. Thank you.

Thank you! I had stepped away from the thread as work was busy yesterday, so I wasn't intentionally meaning to be silent. Although having seen the responses since my last post it was probably a good thing I didn't see some of them!

I had a session with my counsellor last night, and (I felt) put across why their comments were not appropriate. They did apologise, for what that's worth. So thank you to everyone who helped me see clearly on that front. I've asked for a break from my sessions and in honesty I won't be going back to see them but that's a conversation I'll be having with them when I've cleared my head a little and can set up someone who is better suited to help me.

Fortunately I'm in a place now where being accused of lying about my very real experiences doesn't affect me anymore, otherwise certain posts on this thread would have really hurt. So I'm not going to give that attempted side-track any oxygen whatsoever. All I will say, for the benefit of those who might one day Google looking for help along the same lines and see this post but are not yet in the same headspace as I am now - I believe you. The system is set up to silence us, but hold the truth close and do not let anyone take that from you no matter how hard they try.

Thank you to those who posted their thoughts - lots of valid opinions on both sides of the fence that were useful.

What a stonking, thoughtful, wise & measured update post, OP.

Your dignity puts the PP who was goading you with their ill-written & performative 'disbelief' to shame. Like you give AF about his/her spiteful little delusions anyway.
Bloody well done with the way you handled your counsellor yesterday.
I believe you.

PP/lurkers/future victim-survivors reading this thread who need similar support? I believe you.

Absolutely astonished by some of the viewpoints held in this thread.

@Ifitdoesntmakesense 👀

A woman is physically, psychologically and financially abused by a man, but still she is expected to accommodate him and be kind to him, rather than protect herself, having been finally able to escape the relationship.

We have got to stop propping up the idea that women have to be the peacemakers at their own expense, to make men’s lives easier.

I wish you well. OP. Well done for telling your counsellor what you needed to, and for resolving to find someone more suitable. 💪

Apologies for having inappropriately posted on this thread.

Just want to say you sound an incredibly strong, brave, and grounded woman, and yes, I believe you. Well done for having strong boundaries, and the courage to assert yourself with your counsellor - I wish I had done so, once upon a time!

Well done, OP, for raising this with your counsellor.

I actually wondered if your counsellor was male as I had a kind of similar experience with a male counsellor who I had a good therapeutic relationship with and had helped me but was also keen for me to make nice to my abusers (in this case family members).

In my case I think my therapist understood trauma to a certain extent but not the power dynamics of male on female abuse.

Just come on the thread to say that as a teacher I would 100% rather meet parents separately than have separated ones both there if one of them would much rather the other wasn't.

I did a parents' evening appointment once with the dad, the mum, the mum's new female partner and the teenage child. OMG that one was awkward!