Counselling - been told I need to 'grow up' in dealing with abusive ex

[pleaserecycleme]

A bit of background - split from abusive ex husband years ago but he continues to try and control me through DC11 and multiple custody court cases (we had 2 last year alone). He finally got 50/50 last autumn which he's been trying to get for a long time (to get rid of having to pay maintenance among other things). I still find his behaviour very triggering as when these court cases happen he's very much 'gloves off'. I've had my mental health questioned, my home looked at, my partner looked at...you name it he's tried it. I still find it very difficult to even be physically in his presence as I find him intimidating, despite years of working on this. If I can avoid him I will, which is difficult as when we aren't in the court process, EXH plays the whole 'I'm so reasonable why are you being unreasonable in not wanting to talk to me' card in front of everyone. I keep as much as I can to email with him.

I've been having counselling for over a year, with a counsellor I like and who understands me and my situation. But something they said to me at my session last week has totally thrown me and left me feeling very upset. We were talking about DC and how they're handling things right now, when counsellor told me I need to start being the 'bigger person' and 'grow up' around my ex, like inviting him in for a cuppa, going to parents evening with him (we always do this separately) as it's a burden on the school to do them apart, and how difficult and awful it is for DC to know I don't like their dad. How I should be preparing myself for graduations, weddings, grandchildren...and how awful it will be for DC if I can't be around my EXH for all those important moments.

The session ended with me feeling so upset - I didn't feel validated, felt guilty for not being able to do these things, and a failure of a Mum because I don't want to do this for DC. In all honesty I can't see myself ever being able to do the 'normal' stuff separated parents do, and I know EXH will do them as he knows it makes me uncomfortable and upset. So it just makes me look bad, as he frequently takes delight in doing.

Am I right in trying to protect myself, even if it's not ideal for DC? Or is my counsellor right and I should be strapping on the big girl pants and just being more assertive about the whole thing?

Any thoughts or observations very welcome as I'm feeling very low about it all. Thank you.

Your counsellor seems inexperienced. Does she/he know the ''meaning'' of divorce and why people get them? Explain it to her/him. Unless your child is particularly suffering at the moment from the actualites of your relationship with ex. your counsellor is barking up the wrong tree.

I don't think you understand how thousands of women are dealing with their abusive ex partners. It is not by inviting them into your home and giving them cups of tea. What do you think abusers are like? Poor misunderstood men who aren't a danger to anyone?

this might be good advice if the situation were not abusive. It's totally redundant in this situation though and the counsellor should have understood that even if you don't.

OP is under no obligation to be "civil" to her abusive ex by inviting him in for tea or attending parents' evenings with him.

Please stop projecting - your parent's divorce is not OP's divorce, & if your dad had been abusive to your mum, or vice versa, you would not wish to force proximity on them just to alleviate your own sadness about their split.

Maybe the counsellor used a poor choice of words but do think of the impact yours and your ex’s relationship will impact your kids in the future

Then maybe OP's exH could have thought about how his behaviour would affect his kids before he chose to abuse & traumatise their mother @Catlover1970

It's staggering that you are laying the culpability for her discomfort in being around this horrible man at her feet, rather than his - & then put the boot in further by guilt-tripping her with your totally invented "impact" on her DC at some nebulous future date.

Have an abusive ex, would totally never invite them in for a cuppa. But have had to be in the same place as them for concerts and the like. The counsellor sounds inexperienced and placed trauma and fear as childish things you need to grow out of rather than discuss strategies of being able to manage these situations. I would bring this up with the counsellor and if you're not happy with their response look for a counsellor with more experience in this area.

I feel 50:50 on this.
I definitely agree you should not be inviting him into your personal space. Other than over your child I don't see why you need any contact at all. In an ideal world you'd deal amicably with each for your child's sake, but if you're scared of him, it's unreasonable to expect you to sit down to tea together.
On the other hand you'll share your child forever and it IS hard for a child to always worry about how you'll get on. A friend of mine stayed with her pain in the neck husband because she'd spent her life choosing who to spend Christmas with, how weddings would pan out, who to invite to birthdays, etc because her parents still had animus towards each other years after the divorce. She didn't want to inlict the same on her own children
How do you think your child would like your relationship to be? What would make him happiest? I think I'd be guided by that.

Oops, sorry op. I should have read all your posts before I replied. I see that he hit you and physically abused you. Then your child will understand that you can't invite him into your home, etc. It's nuts to suggest it. Sorry.

Maybe the counsellor was trying to get you to let go of the past, let go of the hate? Because that'll just eat you up from the inside. You're letting your bitterness and hatred of your ex define who you are going forward - and yes, it'll always show, you can't hide it and it's not healthy long term. Maybe letting go of the hatred and just not giving a shit about him is what the counsellor is trying to get you to achieve. Maybe suggesting inviting him in for a cuppa was step too far, but after a year of counselling you'd hope that they'd got a pretty good grasp of the situation.

You say bitterness & hatred.

Anyone who has survived the level of domestic abuse that OP has endured would say understandable fear, & intelligent avoidance.

The counsellor's suggestion wasn't a "step too far" - it was an outright breach of professional standards. S/he needs reporting, & retraining/disbarring.

I've no idea what level of domestic abuse the OP has endured. Neither do you. Presumably, their counsellor of over a year does though.

I've no idea what level of domestic abuse the OP has endured.

Really, @altmember ? You read her posts, & still have no idea?
absolutely the post-separation abuse has been worse. My EXH hit me, deprived me of finances, emotionally abused me...the works. But after I left him its been worse, the physical abuse stopped but everything else ramped up.

Neither do you.
See above.

Presumably, their counsellor of over a year does though.
Presumably paying as much attention as you were.
And as a so-called professional - although even a laywoman should know this by now - the counsellor should damn well know what a well-known PP round here always quotes: "the only acceptable level of abuse is none."

Telling OP to in effect 'get over it', to grow up, to 'think of the kids' as if she didn't divorce this arsehole to protect them from him, & telling her to fake normality by inviting her abuser into her home for tea is an outrageous breach of professional standards & human empathy & decency.

Im not sure where i said about inviting her ex for tea or attending parents evenings? Have you read my post at all? You completely missed my point :-)

Please let others have a point of view - a more rounded view is the way forward
Thank you

You again!

And again

Sometimes you hear things you don’t like from therapy, you can’t just get rid of them because you don’t like what you hear. Sounds like child arrangements are resolved now so that should be end of the process and you can focus on moving forward from it rather than dwelling. I agree that it is not good for child to hear how much you despise their other parent as it is very upsetting for them so I do think the therapist is right there & you will have to see him at some point on family occasions etc so just deal with that as & when

This. Counsellors are very specifically trained NOT to tell you what to do.

You have a crap counsellor, fire them and try another.

Im not sure where i said about inviting her ex for tea or attending parents evenings?
Let me help - you condoned it by dismissing it as simply a "poor choice of words", then compounded it by opining that OP ought to 'think of the impact on the kids' ... as if that wasn't one of her prime concerns in A) getting rid of the violent twat & b) shielding her DC from the worst of his manipulations post-split.

Have you read my post at all? You completely missed my point :-)
Fully. Your point appears to be acting as an apologist for an abusive man, while ticking his ex off for not playing at social niceties to appease her awful 'counsellor', & inventing some fictitious future where her DC will be "impacted" by her not sucking up to the man who hit their mum.

Please let others have a point of view - a more rounded view is the way forward
Thank you
You can have any view you wish. And any PP can inform you that it is incorrect. There is no necessity for a "rounded view" when dealing with abusers, especially ones who choose to ramp up their abuse & control post-separation.

You again!
Well spotted! Er ... congratulations?

And again
Um, yeah? Are you testing your cognitive abilities? Well done, you can recognise PP names, & articulate that recognition. Do carry on ...

@pleaserecycleme - apologies for the derail.
How are you today? I hope you at least are feeling more confident that your counsellor's "advice" is batshit, & you don't need to engage with your ex AT ALL, bar the necessary contact arrangements.
You might find this article useful, if you feel a co-parenting app might help you keep things at even more distance with him - confidefamily.com/best-apps-for-coparenting/

Change counsellors. They fucked up. You do NOT need to do emotional work processing this supposed professional’s massive mistake. Find yourself new care.

OP isn't in therapy, & does not have a therapist.

She has not referenced telling her DC she despises their father, so I don't know why you are throwing that in. Pure invention, or not-so-subtle guilt trip?

OP will NOT "have to see him at some point on family occasions". Why on earth would you say this? Because social convention? Because she ought to pretend that this man never hit her?

If a man had hit you - let alone financially & emotionally abused you for years - how would you feel if I told you that you ought to "just deal with that" & that you have to attend social occasions where he is present, @Ifitdoesntmakesense ?

Totally this, OP.

When you find a decent counsellor, the optimum one for you, you will be amazed at how much more strength & confidence you rediscover in yourself. It is perfectly fine & even recommended that you shop around until you find that person.

Please don't allow learned diffidence, social niceties, or the sunk costs fallacy to prevent you from doing exactly as @MarilynValentine suggests.

We’ve only heard her version, courts do not award an abusive parent 50% so I don’t believe it because it doesn’t make sense.

We’ve only heard her version, courts do not award an abusive parent 50% so I don’t believe it because it doesn’t make sense.

My goodness you sweet summer child.
Is that really what you believe, @Ifitdoesntmakesense ?

Have a gander at the Relationships board, & see how many OP's & PP's you can count in one single day who are fighting an exhausting & fruitless battle with an inadequate family court system to prevent their violent ex's having unsupervised access to their DC.
The courts will sanction contact for druggies, losers, wife-beaters, criminals, alcoholics & men who don't bother paying maintenance despite being chased by the CMS.

How about we deal with her ex's version when he posts about it here, & in the meantime stand up for a woman who has had the courage to leave her violent H & then come here to ask for advice?

It's not an appropriate thing for a counsellor to say.

They shouldn't be giving advice, directing you, or placing value judgements on anything that you say/ do.

I would report if I were you and ask to change to a different counsellor. It sounds like they need some more training and the feedback might actually be beneficial to them.

I’m giving my advice, if she’d behaved like an adult & put her child first from the start her ex wouldn’t have had to drag her through the courts repeatedly just to see his child. I come across women like this all the time who claim domestic abuse/emotional abuse blah blah just to stop fathers seeing their children as they are angry & want to hurt them. Thankfully courts see this all the time and call BS on cases that clearly are. Hence him finally getting to see his child 50%. I know exactly how the system works & I know exactly what checks/investigations are made prior to any final child arrangement decision as I’ve been involved in them so as I say this version doesn’t make sense. The poster obviously wants confirmation that her behaviour is right and that her counsellor is wrong but what they said is very good advice.