Snooped and found something I didn’t like…

[thirtysomethingdating]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months, I’m 33 he’s 35. We want the same things (a family eventually) and we have a lot in common. Both never married no kids, but have both had previous LTRs.

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. Anyway, more recently things have been going well and I’ve worked a lot on learning to trust him and he’s been supportive.

One thing I always had an issue with was I was worried he’s not over his ex. As far as I know (obviously only knowing his side) they split due to her ending it to move away. I think it took him a long time to get over it but obviously he’s been with me 6 months so I’d like to think he was over it.

To get to the point; last week I did something stupid. I’m not proud of it so please spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have done this’ - I agree… but anyway, I looked at his phone. I read messages to a friend, a friend of his who is always been wary of because I know he regularly cheats on his partner and I worry about them being friends. What I found was a conversation whereby said friend was asking my boyfriend how it was going with me and if he’d decided he wanted to be with me long term. The thing is, overall, the response from my bf was positive… he was basically weighing up how it was all going and saying yes he thinks he wants to commit to me but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I know, and lesson learned, be careful what you wish for / look for - I should never ever have looked at the phone. I haven’t told him and don’t plan to as I hate myself for checking it. I just had this niggling feeling he wasn’t over her and despite him saying he wants to make a serious go of things with me - can I accept the fact he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex?! Also, this sounds awful, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of her and we are quite different but I wouldn’t say either of us was better or worse than the other. That’s coming from someone who’s or ally very insecure but I honestly objectively think we’re fairly similar in terms of figure, hair, face… so I don’t get it. Does the fact he’s said this, actually indicate residual feelings for her?

Ugh, I wish I’d never seen it and have been reeling since I did. I just wondered if anyone had any views on this… do I forget it and act like nothing happened, bring it up with him, or end it and accept he isn’t over her?

What you need to take away from checking his phone is that you saw no evidence that you can't trust him, in fact you saw the opposite, open and honest confirmation to one of his friends that he wants to commit to you. You really need to work on loving yourself and trusting him otherwise your relationship and future relationships are unlikely to last or at least not to a degree where you are both truly happy.

As for the comment, of course its not nice to be compared to an ex in terms of attractiveness but as you say you shouldn't have seen it and beauty is in the eye of the beholder as they say and this would suggest that you would only want to date guys where you are the most attractive person they have been out with, that's definitely a self esteem issue.

If you really like/love this man you need to get over the comment and move on, you will end up pushing him away, how do you think he would feel if he found out you checked his phone?

I know it's 'only' been 6 months but if you have already discussed wanting children and a future together focus on that, look at the bigger picture, I think you'd really end up regretting it if you finished with him solely based on reading that one sentence.

Also I used to hate it when people mentioned age as a factor when having kids etc and don't get me wrong many women have children into their 40s but a lot of people also take for granted that it will happen easily and it might not. My husband and I met when I was 32, nearly 33, we were married and trying for a baby by the time I was 35. We encountered a number of unexpected fertility issues and a very long story short, I am now 39 and expecting first baby next month just before I turn 40 so it took us way longer than expected. I'm not saying this to scare you and certainly not suggesting you try for children before you are both ready or not settled/happy with partner etc but you certainly need to think bigger than you are currently doing.

That’s so much worse.

Why would anyone want to be with a man who keeps toxic masculinity alive?

Wouldn’t you rather be with more progressive man, one who calls out this shit!

Hmm, My ex husband had a really stunning ex, she finished with him as met another bloke {Who was his friend}
I too went a~snooping and found he'd kept all their old love letters.

We were walking through Town {Central London, and saw a woman who looked just like her while we were holding hands... and husband gripped my hand so instinctively hard, like he'd had a shock, that I knew he wasn't over her.

I'd not have got over that comment, though.

I wouldn't like this.
Id want my own boyfriend to think i was attractive or at least, not to be ranking me like that. Saying that my children's father was objectively goodlooking but such a morally bankrupt human being i know that looks aren't everything. Do you trust your bf to value you highly even if he has ranked you beneath his ex in the category of attractiveness??

@thirtysomethingdating How long was he with his ex for and more importantly, how long had he been single before he met you?

Do you never open up to your girlfriends? If so, why wouldn’t he be allowed to speak frankly to his friend? Anyone who checked up on me would be dumped. That’s an invasion of privacy and you’ve have you’re backside kicked out the door!

Oh op 😞 not going to berate you for snooping

This is so shit, I'm sorry

I would want to be the one he finds most attractive. Even if I wasn't objectively as attractive as his ex/s if that makes sense

I'd never move past this x

You are obsessing over the bad bit but even to a mate who you know is a bit of an asshole, he has said that he sees you as a long term prospect, doesn't seem to have registered.

She dumped him remember? Look at the good and stop worrying about what he finds attractive in women.

I would have been chuffed to bits to have read that. Attraction being so individual and all.

You're never going to be able to unsee this. If the relationship continues you'll have to tell him you checked his phone, because otherwise you're holding information unfairly and he needs to know if he can trust you...

He's not really a prince charming is he OP, he messages people saying his ex was more attractive than you. He's a complete idiot, doesn't value or respect you as he should and is still hung up on his ex. Meh to checking his phone - clearly your radar was going nuts - you've saved yourself a long time in a soul destroying relationship by reading what you did. It's your life but you are low balling yourself in a horrendous way if you choose to waste more time with this guy. You deserve someone who truly loves you and respects you, no less.

This ^

Skipped to the end.
My LTR ended in tears after 8 years , I moved on, I had other relationships, then met my H, he is NOTHING like my 1st love, colouring, height, weight, nationality. he is not as attractive on the outside,
but we have managed nearly 35 years together.
1st loves are however mystical .., you probably have a self esteem problem, not a bf problem

All I'll say is please learn from this experience and don't break this or any future partner's trust again. I've also had trust issues due to past experiences but would personally never snoop on someone else's phone. It feels like an unhealthy way of meeting your need for reassurance and such an invasion of privacy. If someone I was seeing ever snooped through my phone I don't think I'd ever be able to trust them again.

For both your sakes just end it now. You will 100% do something like this again.
If he’s not over his ex, then it’s not fair on you. And it’s not fair on him for you to go snooping on his phone. Not a great start.
I also wouldn’t compare yourself to his ex, each to their own as they say.

I don't think there is anything wrong in saying that a boyfriend/ girlfriend isn't as 'attractive' as an ex, although as the current girlfriend it's not something you want to read.

I could imagine myself (in theory)saying the same thing to my friends- ie that new boyfriend wasn't as good looking as the previous one, but he was a much nicer person, we were more compatible, looks aren't everything, etc. But of course I'd not say it to the man.

I think you need to work on your own behaviours like snooping at phones. That's not healthy. It's now not worked in your favour.

How did you read his messages anyway? Doesn't he have a password on his phone?

“What you need to take away from checking his phone is that you saw no evidence that you can't trust him, in fact you saw the opposite, open and honest confirmation to one of his friends that he wants to commit to you.”

Thats what I got from your post.

Maybe the attractiveness comment was just lads talk - maybe they’ve always compared girlfriends looks.

He deserves someone who wont invade his privacy and through his things. He also deserves a chance at a relationship in which he doesnt need to constantly reassure you and fawn over you just to stop you questioning him.

You are not ready for a relationship. You're not in a place to give someone else a healthy relationship. He wants a family. What you're doing is really unfair. Be honest with him about what you've done and what sort of person you are. Be honest that you're not going to change, because you're not. Let him make a decision about his life for himself. It is up to him if he wants to keep going with you and put up with it or if he wants to try for a simpler happiness so he can have a family life with betrayel of privacy from his partner.

There's nothing unreasonable in what he wrote. I don't even think there's anything wrong in comparing attractiveness - this is the kind of thing most people talk about with their mates, surely? When I was dating frequently I'd share notes with friends about which men were hotter, kinder, more exciting etc etc. Friends who have been around longer than six-month relationships tend to be a good sounding board.

Every single one of us has probably ranked our partners' hotness, in our minds at least, and sometimes the one we end up with isn't number one. Every single one of us is probably aware that our partners have dated women who might be hotter in the past. But you ideally end up with someone who's more than their looks, or who's the full package - maybe not as hot as the ex, but still hot and also with a ton more positive traits. This is completely normal.

And obviously you don't actually want to know or see it spelled out which is why you don't bloody snoop!!! Snooping is a much bigger red flag than his private conversation and if I was him and found out you'd gone through my phone that would be an instant dumping.

Something else you may need to work on is valuing yourself as more than your looks. It's telling you got hung up on that comment rather than the positive ones about more important things. I'm confident in my looks but not conventionally pretty, and whether I'm the most beautiful woman DP has ever been with is irrelevant to me - there are so many other reasons he's lucky to be with me.

Ouch. OP, I'm not sure I could get past seeing that if I'm honest. I know there's more to life than looks which are subjective anyway, but it's not just that is it? You want someone who is just happy to be with you, not making unfavourable comparisons.

Obviously you shouldn't have gone looking. And I think you were looking to find something, perhaps just not expecting this.

What work have you done to address your trust and past trauma? I feel that both his behaviour and yours have fed into this.

All this talk of “trust your gut” is complete crap. It just gives a reason and justification for someone to spy on their partner and to read whatever they feel they should be reading into a conversation.

Yes, @AlternativePerspective is right. Taken to an extreme level, This old thread about delusional jealousy popped up yesterday and is a good example of how people with mental illness can just know or know in their gut things which really never happened at all, because they are paranoid.
I'd say "trust your gut" has to be taken with a very large pinch of humility about our ability to "know" things, and should never override treating other people with respect.

These are quite the contortions to go through, to put the man in the wrong here.

Is nobody allowed to speak subjective truth to a friend in a private chat?

It's been 6 months - a bit soon for petulant entitlement to deserve someone who truly loves you and respects you, no less.

This b/f has already spent some of those 6 months trying to understand OP's insecurity - has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. -

& also told his friend that he's having an amazing time & is getting ready to make a commitment to her.
So telling her that she's saved yourself a long time in a soul destroying relationship is bollocks. If she decides to blow up the relationship over this, nobody destroyed it, or her soul, but herself - & unless she deals with the insecurity that caused her to need constant reassurance & to go snooping, she will likely destroy the next one too.

OP - you don't have a b/f problem.
You have an insecurity problem, & you are allowing it to ruin your enjoyment of your new romance. Instead of agonising about how subjectively attractive you are compared with another woman, book yourself some therapy, & get help finding out what drives your insecurity, & how to stop self-sabotaging like this.

He should have trust issues with you if he ever found out you did this.
So what if his ex was more attractive? That one thing doesn't mean he's not over her. I had more 'attractive' boyfriends than my husband, but I didn't love them like I loved him. One guy it was pure lust and the best sex I'd had, but you can't base a relationship on that alone. My husband was the complete package.
If you don't get over your trust issues you're not going to have a good relationship with anyone.

I guess for those of us in drama free, secure relationships, it’s always easy to look down on those who are compelled to snoop, but I think that a woman’s intuition is to be listened to, and something drew you to itch the ex girlfriend scratch and sadly, your worst fears were realised.

He’s clearly not over her. You say yourself that objectively, you are on par in the looks stakes, therefore, I think the fact that he has made a point of stating his ex is ‘more attractive’ than you, speaks volumes. He’s not over her.

I would never be able to see passed this. You cannot unsee what you’ve seen. I fear that this comment will drive your insecurities deeper and deeper and you will continue to be compelled to snoop in a vain effort to assuage your nagging doubts. You’re only 6 months in. I would consider breaking it off. I do feel for you.

I think your reaction reflects your lack of self-confidence. He finds you physically attractive or he wouldn’t be with you, he reassures you, he wants the same as you, but above all he has an amazing time with you.
Relationships based solely on physical attraction are superficial and flounder.
If you throw him back, will you find another as good? We all know Mr. Perfect doesn’t exist, nor does Miss Perfect so stop berating yourself for looking at his phone.
It’s too easy to focus on one negative; don’t overlook the complimentary elements (sincerely meant as they were not written for your benefit).
What you have is worth hanging on to.
Forget the remark, forget her, relegate her to the past which is where she is for both of you. Start to believe in yourself and in him. Self-confidence is enormously attractive. Add it to being someone with whom he has an amazing time and enjoy being with him.