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Original poster

Snooped and found something I didn’t like…

170 replies

thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 22:33

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months, I’m 33 he’s 35. We want the same things (a family eventually) and we have a lot in common. Both never married no kids, but have both had previous LTRs.

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. Anyway, more recently things have been going well and I’ve worked a lot on learning to trust him and he’s been supportive.

One thing I always had an issue with was I was worried he’s not over his ex. As far as I know (obviously only knowing his side) they split due to her ending it to move away. I think it took him a long time to get over it but obviously he’s been with me 6 months so I’d like to think he was over it.

To get to the point; last week I did something stupid. I’m not proud of it so please spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have done this’ - I agree… but anyway, I looked at his phone. I read messages to a friend, a friend of his who is always been wary of because I know he regularly cheats on his partner and I worry about them being friends. What I found was a conversation whereby said friend was asking my boyfriend how it was going with me and if he’d decided he wanted to be with me long term. The thing is, overall, the response from my bf was positive… he was basically weighing up how it was all going and saying yes he thinks he wants to commit to me but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I know, and lesson learned, be careful what you wish for / look for - I should never ever have looked at the phone. I haven’t told him and don’t plan to as I hate myself for checking it. I just had this niggling feeling he wasn’t over her and despite him saying he wants to make a serious go of things with me - can I accept the fact he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex?! Also, this sounds awful, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of her and we are quite different but I wouldn’t say either of us was better or worse than the other. That’s coming from someone who’s or ally very insecure but I honestly objectively think we’re fairly similar in terms of figure, hair, face… so I don’t get it. Does the fact he’s said this, actually indicate residual feelings for her?

Ugh, I wish I’d never seen it and have been reeling since I did. I just wondered if anyone had any views on this… do I forget it and act like nothing happened, bring it up with him, or end it and accept he isn’t over her?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 02/05/2022 23:19

thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 22:59

@EarthSight I don’t know. I almost wonder if it was a ‘lads chat’ bravado thing… perhaps pointing out to his ‘mate’ that he knows he can do / has done better. I really don’t know. I can’t work it out and I just wish I’d never seen it - I shouldn’t have looked and wish I could rewind 😑

If it was, that would put him in the 'wanker' box for me. Yuck. What a turn off.

ozymandiusking · 02/05/2022 23:21

Don't be tempted to tell him that you have looked at his phone. Put it behind you,
And move on. Give your relationship time.

Cr3ateAUsername · 02/05/2022 23:24

Curiosity killed the cat

stiritwithaknife · 02/05/2022 23:26

Attractiveness also has to do with personality and attitude. He could find your insecurity less attractive, even if you're physically equal or better.

He's also known her longer, and familiarity increases attractiveness. There are studies to prove it.

Just fyi, if you tell him about this he will break up with you.

LorW · 02/05/2022 23:36

There’s obviously a reason you can’t trust him, listen to your instincts and move on, this relationship isn’t meant to be.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 02/05/2022 23:53

I agree with the PP who said he was tailoring the messages to his friend. Possibly that friend had a crush on his ex or has commented on her attractiveness. You read some messages but you don't have the wider context of their friendship and other comments.

But if you don't trust him, don't think you can move on from this and are already feeling insecure about his ex, then you need to think about if this relationship is for you.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 03/05/2022 00:08

thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 22:50

Yeah I think you’re both right… I’m going to sleep on it for a week or so then make a decision. I just think it’s disrespectful too (but I can’t talk, because I was disrespect and broke his trust by snooping…) but to talk negatively about me to his close friend… why would he do that?! I’ve never said anything like that about him. It burns

I wouldn't call that talking negatively about you - he just said, to his friend, that he found his ex more attractive. That must have really hurt and I feel for you 😢😢. But honestly I don't think it's disrespectful - sounds like he was having quite a serious conversation with his friend. Would you not want to be able to speak honestly with your friends about your relationship? I'd be outraged if a boyfriend tried to tell me I couldn't be honest with my close friends in a private conversation. He never intended you to read or be hurt by this.
It may well be that in time, he'd fall more in love with you and would then believe that you were much more attractive than his ex, in that lovely way that many people do adjust their appreciation of people as their feelings mature. But he's not there yet. And it may be too late for you now, because this will always be on your mind. Personally I think I'd struggle to get over this. 💐

Onthedunes · 03/05/2022 02:06

I think there is a lot of truth in @DivorcedAndDelighted 's post.

You have opened Padora's Box and unearthed the truth at the present moment, whether it is bravado, which shows a harsh nature and a rather unchivalrous and ungentlemanly tone towards you, that in itself is not good.

I think your delving into his phone at such an early stage in the relationship shows you thought there was something amiss, trust your gut, don't settle for "I hope for things to improve and for him to eventually fall for me, as much as the previous one"

I can tell you now, you deserve more and should expect more.

Goodyetalso · 03/05/2022 04:23

As others have said, I think he was tailoring his message to the person he was replying to and this guy he was messaging is a misogynistic idiot so he was writing a response that he would want to hear. It’s actually a positive sort of message and proves that he likes you very much. The attractiveness thing may have been said because his ex was more his type physically than you are - maybe she had darker features and you are fairer and he has always physically preferred her type but he’s not going to explain that to his mate so he’s just said that she was more attractive.

Hiwever, I’m not sure you’re going to get past it now you’ve seen it. I don’t know how you’d ever stop feeling insecure about it. If things really went the distance with him would you spend your wedding day feeling unattractive purely because of what he’d said? And so on.

Latenightthoughts111 · 03/05/2022 04:33

I think he’s shown his true colours and if he’s willing to say that about you to a close friend then I wouldn’t want to be with him. I’ve always been second, third, fourth best and never have I ever been happy. Don’t settle. Get out please for your own sake and find someone who is worthy of you and your love

Suzi888 · 03/05/2022 04:40

He was having a private chat with a mate, have you dated more attractive people/ talked about him to your friends?

I don’t see anything wrong with what he’s said in a private conversation. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Pleasebeafleabite · 03/05/2022 05:19

Gosh this sounds like a drama over not very much.

FleurDeLizz · 03/05/2022 06:03

A partner checking my phone would be a dealbreaker for me. You need to find some way of resolving your low self esteem and trusting your boyfriend otherwise the relationship is pointless. Sounds like he’s doing everything he can to reassure you - it’s not his fault you went looking through his private messages with a friend

Onwards22 · 03/05/2022 06:14

You’ve been together 6 months, it’s really not worth the drama.
If you can’t trust someone the relationship will never work.

Justkidding55 · 03/05/2022 06:19

Outward looks are not the most important thing- the fact he’s not with her says it all. I know there’s plenty more attractive people than my partner but I love him and he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met. That is way more important

AlternativePerspective · 03/05/2022 06:29

All this talk of “trust your gut” is complete crap. It just gives a reason and justification for someone to spy on their partner and to read whatever they feel they should be reading into a conversation.

How many people have never said anything about their partner they wouldn’t want them to hear. Ever.

There is no justification for snooping on someone’s phone especially when he hasn’t been seen to do anything wrong. My partner snooping on my phone would be an immediate dealbreaker for me, and tbh that level of mistrust and paranoia is a deeply unattractive trait.

If a woman posted here that her partner had snooped on her phone and was upset about a comment that she’d made to a friend among a series of other positive comments people would say this was a red flag and to get rid.

mihimagna · 03/05/2022 06:32

It sounds like he's not completely over his ex, but this doesn't mean he will never be over her. Just give it a little more time and try to win him over by showing him that you care about him. Once he has fallen for you his ex will be a distant memory. If he still harbors these thoughts regarding his ex around 9 or 10 months into your relationship, then it might be time to move on. Are you his rebound? Rebound relationship are tricky.

Diverseopinions · 03/05/2022 06:34

I think it could be a lad's chat bravado thing.

KangarooKenny · 03/05/2022 06:35

She ended the relationship, so he has probably had his masculine pride hurt. He probably still remembers their time together as being wonderful, yet it obviously couldn’t have been if she ended it.
I think there are worse things you could have found on his phone, so I’d let it go for now, and learn the lesson to not snoop.
But if there’s more to this than you’ve told us, maybe what he’s said is a reason to end it.

findingsomeone · 03/05/2022 06:39

I don't see the problem. In his head, factually you aren't as attractive. Doesn't mean there aren't qualities you have that the ex doesn't. She might just be more his type on paper and there is nothing wrong with that.

rattlemehearties · 03/05/2022 06:40

Looking to the future... Imagine you're exhausted and bloated and pregnant or post partum. You won't be feeling attractive, you'll be at a low ebb. This exact comment will be on your mind. You will feel shit.

Just split up now and start afresh with someone you trust. Have a clean slate. Maybe get some therapy too if you haven't already.

Zonder · 03/05/2022 06:47

He has an amazing time and wants to be with you.

Do you have an amazing time and want to be with him?
If so I'd focus on that, bin the attractive comment (he clearly does find you attractive) and go for it. If not I would call it a day.

sammylady37 · 03/05/2022 06:49

Stop invading his privacy and that of his friends.
i woukd dump someone who’d done what you did.

Inlovewidme · 03/05/2022 07:01

Sometimes women leave men for all sorts of reasons. And as someone said, you don't always upgrade when you get a new partner IYKWIM. There's probably many women he finds more attractive including his ex, however, I feel you'll never get over that comment. It's doomed. I'm a rather average looking white female with red hair, size 14/16 yet all of my DH's ex's have been beautiful slim model like black women who were into their careers including ex wife. I never dare to ask am as beautiful, because I know the answer will be tailored to what I want to hear. So I've been satisfied knowing he chose me, I'm a homemaker we are together and that's what he love. Your partner may well find her more attractive but he may have found the perfect person in you less his ideal looks and he knows as most looks fade so he went for you. You have spoilt this by being insecure.

DeskInUse · 03/05/2022 07:05

He says he has an amazing time with you, and wants to be with you. That's quite a strong statement and sounds positive. Being less attractive than his ex isn't a nice thing to hear, but it's not relationship ending in my book. I've had similar conversations with my friends about new relationships, it's hugely shallow, but let's face it, we all judge initially. Also he's not saying you're unattractive either.

I think op in your shoes, you're not going to get over this, you probably need to walk away and work I'm on yourself. You've probably ruined this relationship due to your insecurities, maybe start to see a council to unpick why you're so insecure.

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