Morbid/Delusional Jealousy - Any sufferers out there

[Sshhbear]

I am keen to hear from anyone who suffers from morbid jealousy. My partner of 16 years seem to have developed it over the last year and I am desperately researching information on the subject in an attempt to get him to realise that he has a problem. At this stage he's in complete denial that there is anything wrong with him and believes it's up to me to prove him wrong and earn his trust back.
I'm particularly interested in hearing from sufferers as I would like to be able to read some stories from others to help him realise that he needs help.
His main symptoms are:

• Believing whole heartedly that I have had and may still be having an affair. He knows I'm a bit of a prude and he knows I have never cheated in the past with him or anyone else.
• Controlling my activities - at the moment he has asked me to go two months without leaving the house unattended (by him and/or the kids). Previously this was 'until we get married'. He believes this is the answer to making sure I'm not up to anything.
• Thinking irrational things - he thinks I'm getting up in the middle of the night while he's sleeping and having sex with another man on our front deck. Important to note he's a light sleeper, I'm a heavy sleeper and our deck is not at all private from the street.
• Threatening me (aggressively saying "look out if I ever find out I am right") - he is not violent and has never layed a hand on me
• Walking around swinging a baseball bat for exercise - most of the time to help him get his strength back post shoulder reconstruction but other times, when he's feeling frustrated. He never threatens me with the bat but it is still intimidating.
• Blaming me for his feelings. He doesn't believe his gut feelings could possibly be wrong. Says he's not stupid and for him to feel this means that I am to blame because it is my actions that have caused it.
• He is toying with the idea that maybe I'm schitzophrenic and that's why I keep lying to him about my perceived infidelity.

I am 47 and also going through early menopause symptoms. I am nervous and jumpy and while I know anxiety can happen with menopause, I think it's because I'm worn out and emotionally spent after 11 months of accusations. Unfortunately, he sees my anxiety as caused by the emotional stress I am under managing two relationships (the second one being the one that doesn't exist).

I took him to his dr and she referred us to their psychologist. This didn't go well. He walked out after half an hour alone with her saying she couldn't help. He says this is because I had already spoken to her first and she wouldn't give an opinion on who was right.

I posted back in November 17 asking for advice on this same subject as I was getting married in March 18 to my man. 16 years is a long time and I love my other half dearly so despite some people suggesting I didn't go through with the wedding, I did anyway. Don't judge me on this please.

Honestly, he sounds delusional and paranoid. And I do believe you are in some danger. I'd get the hell out while the getting is good.

I'm not going to judge you on marrying him. It was a mistake, but one that can be rectified.

Don't marry him, it sounds like a frightening and potentially dangerous situation. Do you have RL support, someone who can help you leave?

Sorry, I read that wrong and thought you wee marrying him next year. No judgement at all, you clearly love him but it doesn't sound like you are the best person to help him.

He’s cheating on you and projecting.

Shortyboo, I thought that initially but I work from home and due to health reasons, he hasn't really worked much for the last two years so we pretty much know where each other are all the time. He's pretty IT illiterate so that is not likely an avenue for any form of cheating on his behalf. He has always had a tiny bit of jealousy as we all do but this has now become extreme. We've been together a long time and I want to help him as well as save our sanity.

Whatever the 'reasons' for his feelings OP what he's doing to you is abusive, whether he's doing it because he has a mental illness or condition or not, it is still abuse. The fact that he won't seek, stick to or even admit he needs help means he is choosing to abuse you rather than face his own issues.

I'll be honest, I think you should leave. He's either so unwell that he won't realise he needs help until he loses you (much like an addict needing to hit rock bottom) or he is simply an abuser who will never change. Either way you are at greater risk than you seem to realise and nothing you do or say can guarantee he won't escalate and hurt you. It sounds ridiculous but the only way you can help him is to leave, the toxic environment you describe is no way for anyone to live

Good luck

Honestly ? He sounds like he has such serious mental health issues and is so delusional that you need him to be assessed and probably sectioned under the mental health act (if you are in uk , or other statutory system for where you live) He needs to be treated, this is far to far from normal and puts you and the children at significant risk. He could / at any point decide it's 'best' to hurt you because of your (his) imagined infidelity.

This is all about serious meh issues and your husband is very unwell. It is no different from a serious physical illness so of course you care for him and married him. People (normal ones ) do not walk away from their partners when they are sick.
The difference here is the potential danger to you.
If in UK you need to go to GP and to get a crisis team in to assess him before he is removed to a hospital for treatment.

Good luck, MH and associated stigma is hard to negotiate.

No of course he isn't having an affair himself, he is far to anxious and obsessed.

He is ill, very ill and very dangerous.

He needs help that, as much as you may want to, you cannot provide and as fontofnoknowledge says, he could have a delusion that leaves you and your kids in a shallow grave.

PLEASE leave, get to a refuge and email his doctor with everything you have told us.

It does sound as if he has mental health problems but I doubt the threshold would be met for having him sectioned as he's never been violent to you and from what you say his threats have been very non-specifically ("look out if I ever find out I am right"). That is only my very non-expert opinion though.

I do feel concerned for your safety though and think you need more expert advice. In the UK I would suggest calling the local Crisis team to discuss this, or perhaps a GP. Even maybe police. Or Women's Aid. I'm guessing you're not in the UK though but hopefully you can find local equivalents.

Do you have children?

Leave, please this is no way to live. It could escalate.

I've just re-read your OP and seen you do have kids. How old are they?

Our still at home kids are 11 and 13. Both wonderful children and he is an amazing dad to them. He lives for his family. My very intuitive 11 year old sort of knows what's going on though we try to keep any discussions (which quickly become full blown arguments) away from them. She has overheard a couple and I think she knows what the arguments are about. I have spoken to her about this and explained that 'Dad thinks mum did something that hurt him but he has it wrong and we are working through it.' I suspect she has heard the actual words in the accusations which is why I felt it was important to state my innocence to her - she is the only girl (3 brothers) and I don't want her to think her mum is that type of person.
I'm in Australia.

From what you have said, I believe he is a serious danger to you and that you should get out with your DC as soon as possible.

He can't really be an amazing dad while keeping you a virtual prisoner in your own home though.

He's expecting psychosis and Is paranoid. Does he drink too much or take drugs? He needs to see his gp for s referral to the mh team.

I think you need to help yourself firstly by ensuring your safety as a matter of urgency. It does sound as though he has very serious mental health issues and left untreated and unmedicated he could pose a very real threat to your safety. To the point that he could even take your life.

From your description, it sounds as though he has become increasingly unwell and paranoid, and walking around swinging a baseball bat would also suggest that he believes that he may need to use it.

One of the truly awful things about very serious mental health conditions is that the person can lose all insight into themselves and refuse to accept that they are unwell and need medical help. Meanwhile, they deteriorate further, feel more alienated, and thus more paranoid that people are against them, which then increases the risk of emotional abuse and physical danger either to themselves or other person. It can be such a downward spiral that unfortunately can result in tragic consequences.

You need to speak with his GP ideally to express your concerns, and also contact the mental health rapid response team in your area for advice. Please do not hesitate to call the police when you next feel threatened by his behaviour. (this can be the quickest way to get a mental health assessment, even against his wishes) or he attempts to hold you prisoner in your own home.

I think you need to seriously consider whether you should live apart from him with no contact until he agrees to get help, given that he is delusional and paranoid. You'd obviously need to ensure that all your concerns were heard though by any mh professionals involved with him, as he will probably minimise his behaviour and seek to represent it as 'normal'.

At the very least, you need to confide in someone else in real life and agree a code word that you can use to them, in the event that you need urgent help, and the police called etc.

I'm sorry if this comes across as alarmist, but please do take steps to ensure your safety and wellbeing.

Have you confided in friends or family about what's happening?

You can’t live like this. He didn’t want you to go out unattended for 2 months?!!? What!! That’s insane. Surely you must see that? That’s not right or normal. He is either mentally ill or abusive. Neither are things you or your poor kids should be around. You’ve tried the doctor, you’ve tried the psychologist, you’ve even married him against all advice...what else do you expect anyone to suggest? You’ve exhausted all possibilities. There is nothing else. You are posting on here for a reason and that’s because you know it’s not right and you can’t carry on. If he’s mentally ill (swinging around a baseball bat!!) then you are in real danger. If he becomes psychotic and these “affair delusions” increase what’s to stop him flipping and hurting one of the kids to get back at you with the excuse of “you made me do it because you didn’t do enough to make me trust you”. You say he knows you are a prude and you spend most of your time together but it’s still not enough. He’s accusing you of getting up during the night! What! This is pure insanity. The problem is that this is your normality now so it’s hard for you to see just how abnormal and dangerous it is. I’d suggest you start getting prepared. Get a bag packed and hidden somewhere safe. If you have family or friends then the next “school run” go there instead and stay there. You need to get safe and then once you’ve gone you have more ammunition for making him seek help. You can say “I’m not coming back until you’ve seen the psychologist for at least 12 appointments” if he’s serious about you and serious about your marriage then this will make him get help.

Somersetter, I have recently confided in and asked for help from family/friends.
After a huge argument last week, I rang his oldest brother and told him everything in the hopes that he could talk with him and try to talk sense into him. They have a good relationship but for some reason, he hasn't touched base with him yet and I don't want to pester him.
I went to see my parents who live nearby last week (first time out unaccompanied in ages and of course google maps didn't update quickly enough and he thought I'd gone somewhere else on the way home - this was proved wrong a little while later) and told them what was going on. We don't have much experience in our family with mental health and I didn't cry or get emotional when I told them so I think they were comfortable that I'm on top of it.
I have told one other person who wants to help as they know him very well but we aren't in regular contact so we don't speak too often.

Cawfee, I'm not looking for advice or suggestions.
I'm hoping to hear from someone who has morbid jealousy in the hopes that they can share what if feels like from a sufferer's prospective.
He is in complete denial and I want him to know that he's not alone and help he realise he has a problem.
I had post natal depression after my second child and thought my world was ending until I realised what was wrong. After I knew, I was able to manage it and get over it pretty quickly. I am hoping that the same will be true for him given that this problem has only recently emerged (recently being last 12 months of 16 years together).

So he tracks you on his phone while you are out?

This is incredibly scary. We've had psychosis in our family and it's horrible. But whether is that or him being abusive you have to remember that only they can seek help themselves. In the mean time you have to protect yourself and your kids. They will know far more than you think.

This is scary op. Please be strong and leave for your own sake.

I didn't cry or get emotional when I told them so I think they were comfortable that I'm on top of it.
Are you? How bad does he need to get before you stop trying to fix him? One physical attack? Three months of being treated like a prisoner?
I'm sorry that you're looking for stories of similar behaviour. This is rare and most people would have removed themselves by now I would imagine. I understand you want to help him, but how can you? Someone asked if he drinks a lot, or takes drugs. You didn't answer. Could he be having an adverse effect to medication?

DianaT1969, he doesn't drink though used to drink a lot 20+ years ago. He does smoke marijuana - most nights to help him sleep. He stopped for a few years here and there. Didn't seem to make much of a difference whether he was smoking or not though this problem was not there 12+ months ago.
Yes, I am handling it. No, I'm not on top of it. I am a very grounded person but of course it gets the better of me sometimes. To have someone tell you to your face that you are betraying them and lying to them about it is very difficult. Especially if you have high standards and would never do the things you are being accused of.
I have read that these types of mental health issues can happen as a result of medication. He had shoulder reconstructive surgery Oct 17 and they found that he had had a heart attack at some point not long before that. He has since had a stent put in and is now on daily medication. His accusations started 4 months before either of those health issues but it's only been since we got married that he has become so much worse.

Why do you keep calling this morbid jealousy?

This is mental, emotional and physical abuse.

This man is abusing you. He is abusing you

You are in danger.

Your children are in danger of being affected mentally and emotionally by witnessing this abuse.

But you won't listen because you don't want to listen

You want someone to tell you some stories about jealousy

This is not jealousy

This is abuse

My advice is to call the police next time the abuse gets out of hand