Snooped and found something I didn’t like…

[thirtysomethingdating]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months, I’m 33 he’s 35. We want the same things (a family eventually) and we have a lot in common. Both never married no kids, but have both had previous LTRs.

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. Anyway, more recently things have been going well and I’ve worked a lot on learning to trust him and he’s been supportive.

One thing I always had an issue with was I was worried he’s not over his ex. As far as I know (obviously only knowing his side) they split due to her ending it to move away. I think it took him a long time to get over it but obviously he’s been with me 6 months so I’d like to think he was over it.

To get to the point; last week I did something stupid. I’m not proud of it so please spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have done this’ - I agree… but anyway, I looked at his phone. I read messages to a friend, a friend of his who is always been wary of because I know he regularly cheats on his partner and I worry about them being friends. What I found was a conversation whereby said friend was asking my boyfriend how it was going with me and if he’d decided he wanted to be with me long term. The thing is, overall, the response from my bf was positive… he was basically weighing up how it was all going and saying yes he thinks he wants to commit to me but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I know, and lesson learned, be careful what you wish for / look for - I should never ever have looked at the phone. I haven’t told him and don’t plan to as I hate myself for checking it. I just had this niggling feeling he wasn’t over her and despite him saying he wants to make a serious go of things with me - can I accept the fact he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex?! Also, this sounds awful, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of her and we are quite different but I wouldn’t say either of us was better or worse than the other. That’s coming from someone who’s or ally very insecure but I honestly objectively think we’re fairly similar in terms of figure, hair, face… so I don’t get it. Does the fact he’s said this, actually indicate residual feelings for her?

Ugh, I wish I’d never seen it and have been reeling since I did. I just wondered if anyone had any views on this… do I forget it and act like nothing happened, bring it up with him, or end it and accept he isn’t over her?

Yes. Six months is not long at all.

Put the phone snooping to one side, we all know the score on that one. WHY do you/did you feel he's not over his ex? Has he actually done or said anything to make you feel that, or is this purely something in your own head? Phone messages aside I think that's key to how you move forward - whether it's something to do with him (maybe end it) or you (counselling or something to work on your past and the resultant trust issues).

I agree.

If an OP posted that her boyfriend had gone through her phone, it would 100% be game over.

I hope he finds out because what the OP has done is unforgivable IMO.

So what if he posts about looks on HIS phone, to HIS friend.

His private conversation was his opinion, not shallow, not nasty, just how he feels.

The OP has zero respect for his right to privacy.

Awful behaviour.

Are they? Are we reading the same thread? The overwhelming majority of the responses have stated that reading other people's messages - some adding the factors that it's not a long-term relationship with any suspicions of infidelity and even that it's tantamount to abusive/controlling behaviour - have made the reverse claim than the one you're suggesting.

Very few posters have said that they think it a-okay to go snooping around into other people's correspondence. Many would see it as a relationship deal-breaker.

You know - a thing I've often noticed about these postings claiming that this is a man-hating site, and its members take the side of the women at all costs and persist in the face of all evidence to the contrary, is that they're often tilting at a windmill that isn't even there in the first place.

Funny, that.

6 months is a very short amount of time, you should both be in the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship right now.

I’d end the relationship. Not so much due to what he said (which was hurtful, granted), but you clearly aren’t in the right place for a relationship and need to take time to work on that.

You can’t just look at someone’s phone when they’ve given you no indication of cheating. If you stay with him you will continue to snoop, be annoyed at him without telling him why, he’ll be baffled and eventually end the relationship because of how you’re behaving.

End the relationship amicably, take some real time out to figure stuff out, go for counselling to unpick your past trauma and then go back into dating in a better head space. Ultimately, your past history isn’t your partner’s responsibility to fix. You need to do that.

(I talk from a position of experience in terms of past trauma).

Their relationship couldn't have been that amazing or she wouldn't have left.
My DH had a gf before me. She was perfect, apparently . She moved abroad with her family and they were both heartbroken. So he used to 'joke' that they'd never broken up and I was the OW. But he and I made it work, had dch and have been married nearly 30 years!

If the only negative think he can think to say is he doesn’t think you’re as attractive as a person he broke up with. I wouldn’t let yourself feel down about it. Looks are subjective and change over time.

If he listed a load of things about your values and personality that he didn’t like yes that’ would be concerning.

Look up 'retroactive jealousy'

For what it's worth, I once had a relationship with a very good looking man who turned out to be a cocky arrogant pig.
He's an ex for a very good reason and now I'm married to the most genuine, loyal kind man who I have so much fun with.
No he's not as good looking as the ex I'm well shot of but looks can be deceiving and I've never been happier.
Most importantly I love my dh in a way I never loved my "better looking ex" that wasn't real nor was it meant to be.

If you haven't then you dont have very good friends you can discuss all aspects with What a bizarre thing to say.

Would I negatively compare my current squeeze's attractiveness with a past love - nope! In fact...I don't think I've ever done the 'he's not as good looking, smart, kind etc vs past love'. It seems odd to me to be looking backwards that way and comparing negatively. It should be about looking forward, maybe discussing concerns like 'I love hiking/reading/art/cycling, and he hates it so I'm concerned about shared interests' or stuff.

What's next - 'well...she's only a 7, and normally I only date 9's but hey, there's other stuff I like about her'. It's shallow.

It’s really not.

And you’re wrong.

And you’re happy with the scraps?

I think the focus on whether or not you should have looked at his phone is neither here nor there. Personally I think in a trusting relationship, the other person wouldn't be particularly bothered if the other person checked. I'm 7 months into a relationship and, while I haven't checked his phone per se, we use each other's phones and know each other's passcodes.

The issue is more that you felt you had to 'snoop' as you put it, to do it secretly. And that you now feel uncomfortable and don't know how to raise it with him. This speaks to communication difficulties which are a bigger threat, in my view, than the comments he made.

FWIW when drunk I told my ex-husband my first boyfriend hadn't been as good-looking as him but would always have a place in my heart. I didn't mean to hurt him. I stayed with him a good long time after that. I never tried to get back with my first boyfriend. I don't think it necessarily means anything.

I'd want my partner to be head over heels with my six months in and certainly not comparing me to an ex. Personally I wouldn't like it although I accept snooping is never a good thing! Whilst he made all the right noises in terms of signalling he saw things being long term with you, he's still referencing his ex and that's not on. You shouldn't ever feel second fiddle to an ex. Doesn't sound like he's absolutely mad about you. I'm really sorry and I don't mean to hurt your feelings I'm just going on how I would feel. You have every right to feel number one in his life at this stage.

Sensible advice as usual from onthedunes. Agree with this.

Unfortunately you've brought this on yourself as you know... but I have to say I don't think I'd want a LT relationship with him if it were me. Surely you will always think about what you read and wonder if it still holds true, but you can't really ask him! Sorry OP - if his mate is a cheater, and he's not 100% perhaps it's time to call it fun but move on.

In his mid thirties after six months and having the talk about children and a future ?

you’re more accommodating than me

Jeeze. Was there any need?

Personally I couldn't continue with the relationship. The level of physical attraction a partner has for me is extremely important and once I knew it was less than for someone else, even though I had no right to know this, I couldn't unknow it.
I'd also hate that he was discussing levels of attraction to me with a third party. His feelings and plans I could tolerate, but comparing my attractiveness with another woman with his mate? No.

You accept that the issues around trust are yours and you have been unpacking that, which is great. Introspection and working on your insecurities is a big step.

However, in your own words, you have been together for six months, you've struggled to trust him the entire time and have needed "constant" reassurance. Have you felt this way in other relationships? Or are you just getting a dodgy vibe from him?

Personally, I couldn't be with someone who wasn't over their ex. Maybe you could be and you'll work through it together - that's totally up to you. On the whole, it comes across like this very short relationship has been shaky and insecure from the start and (bluntly put), if you really want a family then 33 isn't the age to hang around "just in case". You don't trust him, he is still on the fence about the longevity of your relationship and is mentally comparing you to his ex.

He isn't in this with you 100% and I think you're reacting to that. Move on - you deserve someone who is besotted with you.

OP will not be able to find the person who makes her feel safe & not second best until she has dealt with whatever the underlying cause of her trauma & insecurity is.

The solution to her problem does not lie with this man - or any other man.
It lies within herself, & I hope she takes time out with a good therapist to find it, address it, & move on to enjoy a more fulfilling & confident life.

I think you should leave. Honestly, you'll never get over what you've seen, and he deserves better than someone who invades his privacy with no provocation.

It really doesn’t matter a fig whether you “objectively” think she’s not more attractive than you
your partner does think that

Nothing wrong with him thinking that
but
unbelievably disrespectful to you to say that to a friend

@thirtysomethingdating Something similar happened to me when I was your age, by accident. Once my boyfriend (now husband) left his phone at my house and a woman that I knew and was slightly suspicious of called it 🙄. We argued about that but got over it. Another time I was using his laptop (as agreed by both of us, I didn't have one at the time ) and when saving something I found a word document in which he compared me with this girl he had been involved with before he met me. I couldn't resist reading the whole thing once I'd spotted my name. The basic summary of this document was that I was older but prettier, and the other girl potentially had some mental health problems that he couldn't be bothered with. This was I suppose was his way of weighing up our pros and cons. I didn't think much of it at the time and never mentioned it to him but I should have paid attention to his lack of empathy with the girl with mental health problems. Now, years later I am regretting that I didn't pay more attention to these early indications of his self-serving nature.

You shouldn't have looked on his phone, but you found something not very nice. Contextually it wasn't ambiguous. Have you spoken about him in the same way to friends? Can you imagine yourself doing it?

Does it have a message for you?

Need for what?
She spelled it out, I just asked if that really is enough for her!?