Snooped and found something I didn’t like…

[thirtysomethingdating]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months, I’m 33 he’s 35. We want the same things (a family eventually) and we have a lot in common. Both never married no kids, but have both had previous LTRs.

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. Anyway, more recently things have been going well and I’ve worked a lot on learning to trust him and he’s been supportive.

One thing I always had an issue with was I was worried he’s not over his ex. As far as I know (obviously only knowing his side) they split due to her ending it to move away. I think it took him a long time to get over it but obviously he’s been with me 6 months so I’d like to think he was over it.

To get to the point; last week I did something stupid. I’m not proud of it so please spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have done this’ - I agree… but anyway, I looked at his phone. I read messages to a friend, a friend of his who is always been wary of because I know he regularly cheats on his partner and I worry about them being friends. What I found was a conversation whereby said friend was asking my boyfriend how it was going with me and if he’d decided he wanted to be with me long term. The thing is, overall, the response from my bf was positive… he was basically weighing up how it was all going and saying yes he thinks he wants to commit to me but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I know, and lesson learned, be careful what you wish for / look for - I should never ever have looked at the phone. I haven’t told him and don’t plan to as I hate myself for checking it. I just had this niggling feeling he wasn’t over her and despite him saying he wants to make a serious go of things with me - can I accept the fact he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex?! Also, this sounds awful, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of her and we are quite different but I wouldn’t say either of us was better or worse than the other. That’s coming from someone who’s or ally very insecure but I honestly objectively think we’re fairly similar in terms of figure, hair, face… so I don’t get it. Does the fact he’s said this, actually indicate residual feelings for her?

Ugh, I wish I’d never seen it and have been reeling since I did. I just wondered if anyone had any views on this… do I forget it and act like nothing happened, bring it up with him, or end it and accept he isn’t over her?

This isn't about him OP, it's about your own issues. But you already know that.

From what you've written, most of the people involved in this story sound much younger than 30+. It seems neither of you are ready for this relationship. His comment about your attractiveness vs. his ex is likely bravado for his womanizing friend. However, the fact that he found me less attractive than his ex would, for me, be an aside. It's his childishness and immaturity I'd find a turn-off. His susceptibility to peer-pressure at a relatively mature age would also give me a severe enough case of 'The Ick' that I doubt I'd be able to look past it. All this is very unattractive in a potential partner.

From the other perspective, a partner who is deeply needy and constantly wanting reassurance is exhausting. I'd end things with any partner who behaved like this, and certainly if I found them scrolling through my messages. As for the snooping, a breach of trust on the part of the snooped-on and paranoia and jealousy on the part of the snoopee suggests this partnership brings more angst than pleasure. I don't think it's worth pursuing this, especially after so short a time as six months.

I'd recommend doing some work on your own insecurities before pursuing another relationship, OP, or it may eat you up from the inside and possibly destroy other relationships. Stay single for a while, have some fun and a few flings, and I'd recommend seeking counselling or life coaching if you feel that would be of benefit. You're worth the investment. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise

Maybe he's coming to the realisation that looks aren't everything. Being 'better looking' really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, it's your interests, values and sense of humour that will keep you together.
Sounds like he's not being superficial. I wouldn't feel amazing reading that but definitely not a deal breaker. Looks fade anyway, pretty rapidly so I would hold on and give it a chance

I think you should end it. You aren't up to a relationship atm, looking at his perspective, if my bloke was hard work in the sense they needed a lot of reassurance to the point where I had to tell them I wasn't going to do it all the time. Someone who was punishing me because of their own past and who then snooped through my phone on top. I would dump him.

You need time to work on your own issues before you can have a healthy relationship. Do the grown up thing.

Well let’s be honest - insecurity, neediness and distrust aren’t especially attractive traits are they?

But he’s obviously keen on you and committed to you. However I think you’ve blown it because you’ve now given yourself ammunition to continue your insecurity and neediness by snooping and discovering that in a private text conversation he’s compared you slightly less favourably to an ex.

That’s hurtful I know, but you’ll be thinking of it every time he compliments you. You’ll disbelieve him and the insecurity and distrust will grow. You’ll probably feel the need to keep checking his phone to see what he’s saying about you. That’s not healthy or reasonable.

Honestly op, the person in the wrong here is you (a you know). I was over in a relationship with a guy that I found so attractive it was unreal. I got proper Fanny gallops every time he said my name and my body responded to him wether I wanted it to or not. It was very OTT. He moved away and I was gutted. I met my DH. He made me laugh, made me feel safe and loved and I feel head over heels for him. He feels the same way about me physically, as I felt about my ex. He worships me absolutely and would do anything for me. I want as attracted to him at the start. He knows that 100% and it's ok. Her even says he knows he loves me more than him and that's ok. Twenty years on I couldn't be any deeper in love with my husband.

You shouldn't have snooped, unfortunately you got what you deserve . You really need to work on your self esteem. He can't do that for you. Until you get that sorted out, you won't find happiness in any relation ship

This doesn't sound good after only 6 months, from either of your perspectives. When you say you've done a lot of "work" on your last trauma, what has this consisted of? If you've been in therapy I'd have expected you to be handling this with more awareness to be honest. Are you sure you've worked on yourself enough to start a relationship?

Perhaps take time out to remain single and seek proper therapy before considering a partner and children.

Curiosity killed the cat OP.

Same with your relationship.

Wow, no, I wouldn't be with someone who found their ex more attractive than me. I'd never get over knowing that.

Attractiveness is more than physical appearance.

Perhaps he found her more attractive because she was more laid back and less neurotic? Or some other factor.

All of this “are they over him/her?” Stuff is nonsense. I don’t think anyone is ever over him/her….

Each relationship is a different chapter. I have previous partners I was very much in love with and still when I reflect on that I can remember that feeling… however the relationships ended for a reason and the person I loved no longer exists - both have moved on. I would suspect this is the same for your partner.

He was in a LTR and envisaged his life with this person, that is hard to come to terms with when it ends. He’s now in a very new relationship and starting to think about how life with you would be, naturally this draws comparisons - everyone does this! If his appraisal was mostly positive that is positive.

If you want him to have eyes only for you and to disqualify all past experiences then Jack in the relationship…. To put this into context, my DH and I have had partners previous who could have been considered in more attractive in some ways, but ultimately we love each other…. The past isn’t really that important I’m here for the now.

I wouldn’t tell him you looked at his phone. I would get some therapy to help you feel more secure.

Honestly I would be more annoyed if my partner read my messages with friends than if he snooped to see if there were messages to a possible other guy.

In my opinion, you've really crossed a line with that one and caused the pain yourself.

In regards to attractiveness, that can change anyway, the longer you're together he might decide he finds you more attractive.

some really patronising responses on here to you OP imo

if I read that I would end the relationship.
end of.

wjy you’re being told to do work on yourself when it’s HIM who has written this about his ex is unfair to you. “Doing work on you” wouldn’t to have stopped him writing that even if confidence and self esteem are sort of his attractiveness rating. What it would do however is make your certain you deserve better than that after six months and this looking at these messages would just to confirm that.

life is too short to twist yourself into knots over what another person is thinking. You know now anyway. It will come out at some point anyway through behaviours or actually telling him you read it.

does he have a point
is she more attractive than you?
anyway beauty is in the eye of the beholder and he says he is serious about you

Absolutely this.

I think going through the phone of someone you are barely with is truly shocking.

Completely different to suspecting infidelity in a long term partner.

OP, you really need to NOT be in a relationship and focus on helping yourself.

he didnt mean for you to find out

On his OWN phone, texting his friend anything, is HIS private business.

They are seeing each other 6 months.

This is a huge invasion of his privacy.

Yes you’re both right. I 100% know I shouldn’t have looked at his phone and I regret it and would never do it again.

You will though. There wasn’t any reason to look, you didn’t have suspicions, there are no problems, you just went looking on a whim. Whatever previous experience led you to be so curious with a partner that you will have a nosy at the phone, you need to work on it or you’ll always have problematic relationships.

He can say anything he likes in a private conversation with his friend! Women confide in their friends all the time! The double standards on this site are really dreadful!

you are making problems where they don't exist. Firstly by snooping and secondly by zeroing in on a very minor comment and ignoring the positive things he said. And also by comparing yourself to his ex. I get the impression you are trying to sabotage this relationship.

If that's the case end it now. You don't need a reason or excuse.

incidentally my ex was way more attractive than my husband. He was a serious hottie who did some modelling. My DH of 37 years was never on the the same level but that doesn't mean I love him any less. There is more to attraction and love than appearance.

Forget the snooping. No one snoops unless they have a feeling they just can't shake.

He said lots of nice things about your relationship and that he wants to commit. Did he say any nice things about you as a person at all? Thats what I'd be looking at. As he felt it necessary to comment on your attractiveness in comparison to his ex. That was a really shit thing to do, as he had absolutely no reason to do so unless the mate flatout asked, is she as attractive as your ex.
Its quite a strange thing to think about when he was supposed to be telling his mate about you. You, not his ex. So his ex popped into his head whilst he was telling his mate about your relationship.

I couldn't get past that in that context.
In fact any man who will say to his mate, well yeah we get on great but shes not as attractive is just plain disrespectful in my opinion. Thats the sort of thing you just don't say, especially as you say you are pretty much on par looks wise.

I think the fact he felt the need to add that in, does point to him still thinking about his ex alot and so likely is not over her.
Thats not to say your relationship is doomed, these things can take time. But I wouldn't get past that comment, not 6 months in. Its an extremely odd thing to say. Unfortunately i'm the sort that would be thinking if he can put that in a text, when they meet up and the lads chat starts up, what else is he comparing. The 2 of us in bed?

Hmmm...you had a niggling feeling and that's a big issue. So is snooping on his phone. The two combined mean you've real issues. I suspect you will continue to snoop in the future, as it will all eat away at you.

I'd say work on your issues, and follow your instincts. If you feel you'll be second best, then leave. Its not fun feeling that you're competing with the past (and losing!). Frankly, unless the friend asked for a comparison, it's odd for him to offer it up.

No one snoops unless they have a feeling they just can't shake.

Someone's been lucky enough to have avoided any extremely jealous, possessive and paranoid people in their life! Sweet summer child.

Oh...and him raising the attractiveness issue is super shallow.

N, it is not.

It is the exact sort of conversation that people have with their friends when they are dating new people or are deciding whether or not to get serious etc.

If you haven't then you dont have very good friends you can discuss all aspects with.

It is the exact sort of conversation that people have with their friends when they are dating new people or are deciding whether or not to get serious etc.

If it had been said in the first few weeks, yes. Its been 6 months. Is that really the sort of thing you'd say to your mates about a partner of 6 months?

Being with someone you're not sure you can trust is not fun. Look at the things you are doing because of it. It's been six months, put an end to it and find someone that makes you feel safe not second best.