Snooped and found something I didn’t like…

[thirtysomethingdating]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months, I’m 33 he’s 35. We want the same things (a family eventually) and we have a lot in common. Both never married no kids, but have both had previous LTRs.

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. Anyway, more recently things have been going well and I’ve worked a lot on learning to trust him and he’s been supportive.

One thing I always had an issue with was I was worried he’s not over his ex. As far as I know (obviously only knowing his side) they split due to her ending it to move away. I think it took him a long time to get over it but obviously he’s been with me 6 months so I’d like to think he was over it.

To get to the point; last week I did something stupid. I’m not proud of it so please spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have done this’ - I agree… but anyway, I looked at his phone. I read messages to a friend, a friend of his who is always been wary of because I know he regularly cheats on his partner and I worry about them being friends. What I found was a conversation whereby said friend was asking my boyfriend how it was going with me and if he’d decided he wanted to be with me long term. The thing is, overall, the response from my bf was positive… he was basically weighing up how it was all going and saying yes he thinks he wants to commit to me but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I know, and lesson learned, be careful what you wish for / look for - I should never ever have looked at the phone. I haven’t told him and don’t plan to as I hate myself for checking it. I just had this niggling feeling he wasn’t over her and despite him saying he wants to make a serious go of things with me - can I accept the fact he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex?! Also, this sounds awful, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of her and we are quite different but I wouldn’t say either of us was better or worse than the other. That’s coming from someone who’s or ally very insecure but I honestly objectively think we’re fairly similar in terms of figure, hair, face… so I don’t get it. Does the fact he’s said this, actually indicate residual feelings for her?

Ugh, I wish I’d never seen it and have been reeling since I did. I just wondered if anyone had any views on this… do I forget it and act like nothing happened, bring it up with him, or end it and accept he isn’t over her?

I think his comment is fine. So what if he found the ex more attractive?

Well wasn’t that precisely his point?

i find ex more attractive but essentially… so what?

Firstly thanks to everyone for replying. I can certainly see both sides to this and I agree if I’d posted that my partner went through my private messages everyone would probably be telling me to run a mile and get rid of him, so I was expecting a lot of that and I know that probably the bottom line here is that I shouldn’t have been looking and I got what I deserve, etc. I was expecting a lot of negative replies and I take responsibility for what I did, I’m not expecting sympathy, just more wondering what others would do in this situation. As, like it or not, I am sure (and as the responses show) there are others who have found similar things when they shouldn’t have been looking.

In terms of my own insecurities / trust issues, yes I suppose this does speak volumes and it’s my issue that’s really at play here. There are two main responses here - one being that I should end it and work on myself, the other being that I should take it all with a pinch of salt and accept I should never have seen it and think nothing more of it.

I haven’t decided what to do as yet but I won’t be mentioning it to him as I know it’d open a whole can of worms.

@Chocolatefreak thanks - when you say you wish you’d paid more attention do you mean that he’s since been unfaithful / disrespectful to you? I’m torn - I can see this point of view for sure, but reading some of the responses I can also see how wrong of me it was to go looking and that perhaps it was just laddish ‘banter’ and I should never have seen it. I just don’t know.

@thirtysomethingdating what about the question about the work you've been doing on yourself to understand the impact of your past trauma on yourself - have you been in therapy? I really think you should deal with this as a priority.

@PostmanPats yes, I have had therapy. It’d be a whole other thread to unravel what happened and why and how I’ve dealt with it (or not) but yes. Evidently, I do need to have some more and have been contemplating that today. Thanks

@thirtysomethingdating when I said I wish I'd paid more attention I meant when I noticed his lack of empathy for this other girI's mental health issues I should have considered more carefully the implications of this attitude on our future together. There have been times in our shared life where his lack of empathy and inability to comfort me has been extremely hurtful, and I am currently considering whether this is something I can continue to live with! As far as your boyfriend goes, he says he's having an amazing time with you now, but is there enough trust and respect that he'll be there for you when you need him?

I can also see how wrong of me it was to go looking and that perhaps it was just laddish ‘banter’ and I should never have seen it

NO NO NO. Even if it was laddish banter (which it isn't, because it was a serious question from his friend - he wasn't asking do you like shagging her, he asked your bf if he could see you being long term) - no man would openly admit to their mates that they're dating a minger but hey her personality is ok. In fact, they would always make you seem like you're way hotter than you are, because (a) they're into you and genuinely think you're the best looking gal they know (b) they wouldn't want to criticise you to mates as it would be disrespectful to you and embarrassing if you're long term. It's the sort of thing that can easily slip out to you by one of his mates after a few drinks, or worse still, a wedding speech.

Ignore the snooping, and also your trust issues. Those are things you should work on, but it doesn't change the fact he isn't really over his ex. For him to actually compare you is bad enough but to share that with his friend means he absolutely thinks it. And attraction is obviously a big deal for him if he talks about it when deciding whether to commit or not. If it didn't bother him, he would never have said it - basically he's said that your negative.

Your relationship should be the one place in your life where you feel like your're the most beautiful woman out there. Of course, you know you aren't, but to think you're less attractive than the last woman he loved is awful. Attraction does matter in relationships - and frankly i think men care about it quite a lot. If he already feels like this, how will it be when you're much older, and been together long enough that other things grate.

Don't mention this to him as of course he'll deny it. But I think, you already felt he wasn't over her, you've now seen evidence that he isn't - so it will always play on your mind. You don't want to be the rebound, and you deserve to be with someone who thinks you're the best looking woman they've been with - and if they don't think that at least have the decency to not share that opinion with others!!

@thirtysomethingdating is he as attractive or more attractive as all your exes?

My partner isn't, but he is the best partner I've ever had and why I'm with him, and not someone else or any of the exes.

@phizog yeah, this is my worry, I think o agree with you but then I keep thinking what if I’m throwing away something special over a stupid throwaway comment.

@ldontWanna he pretty much is, but I think the point is if he wasn’t, would I be bringing that up to my friends? I genuinely don’t think so. If anything I’d want them to hear about how attracted to him I am, and be showing him off.

I basically just feel like it was some sort of self preservation / defence mechanism - justifying to his mate why he’s with me even though I’m not as attractive as his ex. That’s what I think is bothering me. That he’s - potentially - embarassed that I’m not perceived as being as attractive as an ex? I really don’t know. I’m sure I’ll get another barrage of comments about being insecure now which is fair enough. But this is how it’s made me feel. Embarrassed and not good enough.

@Chocolatefreak probably not, no. I need to get out, don’t I? It’s just so hard when some of what we had was so good and I’ve invested so much time so far. Wish I’d never looked but if I truly ask myself if I want to be with someone who talks about me like that, the answer is probably no. 🙁

You like him, you are on the same page. If you stay with him, in a few years you will look back and laugh at the irrelevance of that conversation with his low life mate. It is just not important in the scheme of things.

The problem is op you are trying to battle against Mother Nature.

You said yourself you are looking for a partner to mate with and produce children with, and so is he and not to sound rude but as you go into your thirties the luxury of time dwindles.

The basic biology of finding the best specimen for reproducing is on both your minds. You find him highly attractive and he has thrown the question out to others "do you think she is attractive enough for me ?" Did he get possitive affirmation of this ?

It's a very blunt and ruthless buisness finding the best genetic match to produce offspring.

Maybe you should be asking yourself what do you need ?

I know what I wanted, someone strong, tall, very attractive, powerful, kind (that changed), a good provider, the right smell, taste, all these things and many many more, but there were negatives. Emotionally he was never as flexible, understanding or as deep as me, but for producing children, he was the one, a genetic match, the right fit. As they say I had met my match, more physically than cerebrally.

It's what's important to you.

People throughout their lives need different things, you are conflicted because your age has given you the wisdom to know it's not all about looks but it's really hard to fight against nature when you find him so damm attractive. It's your body shouting out mate and produce yet your mind is saying will this partner last the distance and be good life partner and father.

Something says to me your inquisitveness on his phone and his searching for approval with others, suggests both of you have reservations, whether you both wish to plough through those signals is up to you and him.

God what a decision.

@fuckoffImcounting thanks. Part of me thinks this too, but part of me is like… can I get past it. But that’s for me to decide I guess and if I can live with being stupid enough to go snooping around 😞. this thread has certainly given me some stuff to think about, as always.

@Onthedunes you’re absolutely right. I’m acutely aware of my age and the biological clock and it helps nothing. I’m trying to stay calm and not cave under the time pressure I feel and make my decisions using sound judgement but it’s very hard. If I’m 100% honest with myself, would I be so stressed about this situation if I was 10 or even 5 years younger - nope. But that’s another thread again, the biological clock 🙄.

Before I met him I was looking into donor conception and I’m not ruling it out, but it isn’t my ideal. I would love to have a family but it has to be right. I obviously don’t want to settle and end up unhappy and with children in the equation either…

Lots of food for thought here, I think my fear is he stays with me but gets bored post- kids / marriage or whatever, and goes off with a ‘more attractive’ model - based on what he said, but that’s quite clearly my insecurity speaking and could be the case for absolutely anyone in a relationship I guess. Trying to trust my gut but all over the place at the moment!!!

Oh man, that's horrible for you. The feeling is just awful.

I had very bad mental health for a while and would routinely check my bf's private messages when we were first together. I found a lot of things I didn't like but you have to remember they're PRIVATE. They're not written for you or with the intention that you'll ever see them.

Anyway I'm married to him now and we are very happy. I'm better and I'd sooner jump off a roof than go through his messages now.

I think you may need to come clean though as otherwise it's going to just eat you up.

@obsessedwithsleep thanks for your reply. I’m interested that you used to do this and got over it and are still with him. Well done! Did you come clean with him then I assume? I’m considering it. It won’t go down well at all. But at least If there’s any hope of it working I would be being honest…

My first “proper” boyfriend was stunning … he was a model .. oh my days. I was recently looking at some photos at a relatives house of old family functions and he was on there. I texted my best mate of 40 years to say “just seen a picture of xx, forgot he was such a looker … lol”

my husband looks nothing like him - from a pure physical perspective they are poles apart.

However, my first boyfriend was abusive, he was cheater, and a liar. Yea, he was beautiful outside, the inside was very unattractive. He was (and apparently is still .. I’ve not seen him but a friend has) said one of the best looking men I’ve ever seen.

I am thankful every day that I got out of that relationship, met my husband, and married him.

Totally agree. Sabotage of the highest level

Sadly you have been daft. If you were paranoid before then oh boy… it’s going to ramp up now.

Btw I don’t think what he said was a problem. My ex is ridiculously handsome in a stereotypical way but my OH is 100% my type & the love of my life.

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