Snooped and found something I didn’t like…

[thirtysomethingdating]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months, I’m 33 he’s 35. We want the same things (a family eventually) and we have a lot in common. Both never married no kids, but have both had previous LTRs.

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. Anyway, more recently things have been going well and I’ve worked a lot on learning to trust him and he’s been supportive.

One thing I always had an issue with was I was worried he’s not over his ex. As far as I know (obviously only knowing his side) they split due to her ending it to move away. I think it took him a long time to get over it but obviously he’s been with me 6 months so I’d like to think he was over it.

To get to the point; last week I did something stupid. I’m not proud of it so please spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have done this’ - I agree… but anyway, I looked at his phone. I read messages to a friend, a friend of his who is always been wary of because I know he regularly cheats on his partner and I worry about them being friends. What I found was a conversation whereby said friend was asking my boyfriend how it was going with me and if he’d decided he wanted to be with me long term. The thing is, overall, the response from my bf was positive… he was basically weighing up how it was all going and saying yes he thinks he wants to commit to me but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I know, and lesson learned, be careful what you wish for / look for - I should never ever have looked at the phone. I haven’t told him and don’t plan to as I hate myself for checking it. I just had this niggling feeling he wasn’t over her and despite him saying he wants to make a serious go of things with me - can I accept the fact he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex?! Also, this sounds awful, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of her and we are quite different but I wouldn’t say either of us was better or worse than the other. That’s coming from someone who’s or ally very insecure but I honestly objectively think we’re fairly similar in terms of figure, hair, face… so I don’t get it. Does the fact he’s said this, actually indicate residual feelings for her?

Ugh, I wish I’d never seen it and have been reeling since I did. I just wondered if anyone had any views on this… do I forget it and act like nothing happened, bring it up with him, or end it and accept he isn’t over her?

It’s not meant to be like this 6 months in….on both sides.

You're constantly needing reassurance from him, which is probably draining and he’s being snooped on.
He’s comparing you looks wise (in a private conversation) to a friend you don’t like because the friend cheats.

As a previous poster suggested, work on your self esteem as it seems like you’re not ready for a relationship.

but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I honestly thought you were going to say he told his friend that he met up with his ex and they kissed or something. Just because he said he finds her more attractive doesn’t mean there’s any feelings for her. I don’t think so anyway.

When I first got with DP, I’d always speak to my friends and we’d somehow bring up my ex and compare them both (I don’t think that’s uncommon). When I think about it, I still find my ex more attractive than DP but I’d never ever want to be with him or even be in the same room as him. I have two kids with DP, our first turns one today and our second is only 13 days old.

I don’t think you should look into it too much but if you’re going through phones after only 6 months, I think there may be a bigger problem here

I guess for those of us in drama free, secure relationships, it’s always easy to look down on those who are compelled to snoop, but I think that a woman’s intuition is to be listened to, and something drew you to itch the ex girlfriend scratch and sadly, your worst fears were realised.

Oh FFS not this reductive "woman's intuition" bullshit again.
The thing that drew OP to snoop was her insecurity, not her 'intuition'.

If she works on changing that, & stops looking to a b/f to provide the self-esteem she lacks, she'll be a much happier & more fulfilled woman all round. And less prone to push men away by needing 'constant reassurance'.

Telling her that her worst fears have been realised is ridiculous.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She went looking for 'evidence' that she is insufficiently loved, & - instead of finding joy in her b/f's saying that he has an amazing time with her & wants to commit - lo & behold! - she fixates on how attractive she is compared to his ex.

Honestly, I think you have probably ruined it. There is nothing in your posts that would indicate he is not over his ex, but you managed to see a private conversation with his friend where he expressed his view on his perception of attractiveness. Given you felt the need to snoop at his phone after just 6 months together you are very likely to going to torture yourself with a variety of insecurities and jealousy later on.

He’s clearly not over her. You say yourself that objectively, you are on par in the looks stakes,
There is no such thing as objectivity about attractiveness. That's why we say it's all in the eye of the beholder, no?

therefore, I think the fact that he has made a point of stating his ex is ‘more attractive’ than you, speaks volumes. He’s not over her.
For crying out loud.
My ex-H is way more "attractive" than the man I had a fling with after divorcing.
I was, & am, SO over my ex-H.

I suppose it depends how shallow you are. I mean, Idris Elba may be the most attractive man in the planet. Does that mean I can never find another man worthy, or fanciable?

OP, you say there are probably things on your phone about him too.
What's the difference ? The difference is that he hasn't been snooping on your phone.

I don't think what he said means he's still fixated on his ex. He was just stating his opinion. It may have been not what you wanted to read but he's been with you for six months, not six days, so he obviously thinks a lot of you .

Take what he said with a pinch of salt, it was a passing comment..

So what if he's not over his ex yet?
It can take a long time, especially if you were the one dumped.
I think we can all relate to that can't we?
Does that mean we're forbidden from starting new relationships until we're fully over them?
I know that has happened to me, but I got over them eventually.

Saying that because someone says their ex was more attractive means they’re not over them is absolute rubbish.

No partner is the same. Every partner has traits others don’t. Even the awful partners will have had some good traits otherwise they would never have become partners in the first place.

If the BF had constantly told OP that she wasn’t as attractive as his ex she would have justification in feeling he hadn’t got over his ex. but he didn’t. He said it in a private conversation,among a lot of other positive things, but of course we’re not allowed to acknowledge those positive things because the it would be impossible to tell the OP her BF is a bastard who clearly still lusts after his ex.

My ex once said to me in front of friends that his ex was a great shag. Now that is something one could take personally not least because it was said to them personally.

Going through your partner's private messages with his friends, when there's no real grounds to suspect he's done wrong, is an enormous breach of trust.

All the red flags here are on the OP's part. I normally hate this kind of argument but imagine the roles were reverse and the OP's partner had been through her messages and found the same comment. It would be a chorus of LTBs all round. But, here, it's 'trust your spidey senses' and all the usual shit.

I Think you really need to do some work on your self esteem tbh. If my BF of a year snooped in my phone like that I would finish it. Without trust you don't have a relationship.

I don't think what he said is bad, he was talking to a friend privately.

I've been out with people more or less attractive than my dh but it's my dh I wanted to commit to. However it is disrespectful to say that about you to a friend you need to decide if you can get past it

I think its completely understandable how you feel. I would feel exactly the same.

To those saying 6 months isn't really a long time it really depends on the people. When my DH and I met he moved in with me after 1 month of dating we were that in love and got married 1.5 years later. When we were together for 6 months we were already living in a different country together not comparing each others looks in private conversations with friends. No one wants to feel like are constantly being compared with someone's ex. However, OP u definitely shouldn't focus on this comment only as there was also a lot positive he said about you . If he is a lovely man and you like him I would give the relationship more time to bloom so to speak. I definitely don't think you should ever bring it up to him (these kind of arguments never end well).

However, if there are any other reasons that's you've not mentioned on here that make you believe he is still not over his ex that calls for an honest conversation between you and him. I think its important to know where you stand and how committed this person is prepared to be. Maybe during some nice dinner just be honest and say you are having an amazing time with him but you want him to be completely honest if he sees the future with you.

The reason you went snooping is that you don't feel secure with him for whatever reason. Only you know how you feel. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I don't think that you will ever get over this to be honest. Step back and work on yourself a bit. You'll feel completely different when meet the right person.

I've been on both sides of the fence. I went out with someone who hadn't really got over splitting up with his ex-wife. I also went out a few times with my first boyfriend who declared his undying love for me despite being married. There does seem to be 'the one' for a lot of men. Thankfully I think I am 'the one' for DH. At least I used to be!

I’ve been in your boyfriend’s position and had to bin off someone perfectly lovely because I simply wasn’t over an ex (my first husband). I don’t mean to downplay your feelings but unfortunately it does happen. You may be the right person for him but just at the wrong time in his life. However, you’ve seen that conversation and need to decide if you can live with it. Personally i couldn’t and would want someone who was 100% into me.

This is supposed to be the fun bit, getting to know each other, if it's not fun now, then it doesn't bode well going forward.

Nope, I wouldn’t be able to get past that. I’d cut and find someone else (and learn my lesson about snooping, but I don’t think you need me to tell you that and I can’t judge you for doing it as I’ve done the same in the past).

I shouldn’t have looked at his phone and I regret it and would never do it again.

You are 100% going to do this again.

Poor bloke. You need to end things, be single for a while and get some professional help/counselling to help you work things out.

You are just not in the right place for a relationship right now.

Quite. Repeatedly going through your partner's phone looking for dirt is abusive behaviour.

Calm down!

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away.

At its worst this is a huge red flag on the OPs part which is a trait you would expect to see in a coercive relationship. It will always be used to excuse controlling behaviour and actions. Along with unfounded instinctive feelings.

At its best the OP is insecure and emotionally immature. She isn’t ready for a relationship with anyone. She wasn’t looking for evidence of another woman. She wanted to intrude into his private conversations with his friend. That’s fairly controlling.

It sounds like you had a lot of trust insecurities already- particularly about this ex, and that you have had several conversations about your lack of trust already. He sounds a nice guy, yet you sound like you’re doing your upmost too push him away with your issues. Yet he’s still here, sounding committed. You didn’t just go through his phone looking for evidence of him messaging his ex or other women, you went through private conversations with his mates too. I’d happily let my husband read anything in my phone but if he’d done it in the early days I’d have run a mile. You have now found something else to chip at your confidence and make this bigger than it is, damaging things even more. You are in a viscous spiral. In ordinary circumstances you ought to be able to get past this, see it rationally, but in your case I see this eating you up.

I think you are taking a bit too much responsibility for your insecurities in this relationship. Yes, you have baggage that makes it hard to trust, but you’re also in a relationship with a man on the rebound. That’s difficult for anyone.

The actual comment he made wouldn’t bother me too much. Dh has been in relationships with a couple of stunning women. I’ve dated a man who could have been a model. When you are young those things matter if you want to impress your friends. As you mature you discover and appreciate different qualities.

This relationship isn’t giving you emotional security. Sometimes it is easier to be alone than in a partnership that feels like this.

Attractiveness grows with affection so it isn't that odd that he would find someone he dated for a long time more attractive than someone he dated for six months. But it is just the outside appearance, wanting to be with someone is about so much more, and it sounds like he realises that he could have that with you.

On the other hand, checking someone's phone without their knowledge is unacceptable. You say you won't do it again, but now you have crossed that boundary, the next time you are feeling insecure it will be tempting to do so again. Honestly, if I were him, I would end the relationship for this.

It's not nice comparing relationships, but I think you've won the comparison 😊

I've had conversations with my friends about how I'm seeing now isn't my usual type - ie tall very good looking muscles and a total prick truth be known, but that we have a lovely connection. Ofc I wouldn't want him to see that but I mean nothing nasty by it at all. I do however feel it's not great you felt you needed to check his phone so early into the relationship.