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Original poster

Snooped and found something I didn’t like…

170 replies

thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 22:33

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months, I’m 33 he’s 35. We want the same things (a family eventually) and we have a lot in common. Both never married no kids, but have both had previous LTRs.

Throughout the time we’ve been together I’ve struggled to trust him, this is mainly my issue as I do have past bad experiences and childhood trauma. I’ve done a lot of work on that and spoken to him about it too and he has been quite understanding although he does also say he can’t keep constantly reassuring me, I understand this as I would feel exactly the same in his shoes and if I had a guy constantly being needy it would just push me away. Anyway, more recently things have been going well and I’ve worked a lot on learning to trust him and he’s been supportive.

One thing I always had an issue with was I was worried he’s not over his ex. As far as I know (obviously only knowing his side) they split due to her ending it to move away. I think it took him a long time to get over it but obviously he’s been with me 6 months so I’d like to think he was over it.

To get to the point; last week I did something stupid. I’m not proud of it so please spare me the ‘you shouldn’t have done this’ - I agree… but anyway, I looked at his phone. I read messages to a friend, a friend of his who is always been wary of because I know he regularly cheats on his partner and I worry about them being friends. What I found was a conversation whereby said friend was asking my boyfriend how it was going with me and if he’d decided he wanted to be with me long term. The thing is, overall, the response from my bf was positive… he was basically weighing up how it was all going and saying yes he thinks he wants to commit to me but he compared me to his ex girlfriend and said I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me…

I know, and lesson learned, be careful what you wish for / look for - I should never ever have looked at the phone. I haven’t told him and don’t plan to as I hate myself for checking it. I just had this niggling feeling he wasn’t over her and despite him saying he wants to make a serious go of things with me - can I accept the fact he doesn’t find me as attractive as his ex?! Also, this sounds awful, but I’ve seen plenty of photos of her and we are quite different but I wouldn’t say either of us was better or worse than the other. That’s coming from someone who’s or ally very insecure but I honestly objectively think we’re fairly similar in terms of figure, hair, face… so I don’t get it. Does the fact he’s said this, actually indicate residual feelings for her?

Ugh, I wish I’d never seen it and have been reeling since I did. I just wondered if anyone had any views on this… do I forget it and act like nothing happened, bring it up with him, or end it and accept he isn’t over her?

OP posts:
Kitten2 · 02/05/2022 22:39

Tbh you've really not been together long. To be so worried about the state of your relationship that you're already going through his phone.

I don't think you're ever going to get past this comment. You'll always be feeling less than ideal in his eyes. It is clear you can't brush it off and are over thinking it.

Maybe have a few weeks apart and see if you want to be together after that.

Sunnytwobridges · 02/05/2022 22:46

Yikes, I'm sorry. I'm not sure I could get over that. I would probably try and see how I felt a few months down the road but it does sound like he's not over his ex completely. And I will admit that I dated when I wasn't over an ex and I have felt similar but never said anything to anyone else.

Original poster
thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 22:50

Yeah I think you’re both right… I’m going to sleep on it for a week or so then make a decision. I just think it’s disrespectful too (but I can’t talk, because I was disrespect and broke his trust by snooping…) but to talk negatively about me to his close friend… why would he do that?! I’ve never said anything like that about him. It burns

OP posts:
HYT · 02/05/2022 22:50

Unfortunately you have no one to blame but yourself for this situation you find yourself in. Maybe you are not ready for a relationship.

Paq · 02/05/2022 22:53

You've been together for a very short time and you have pried into a private conversation. I'm sorry for your troubles but it doesn't give you the right to invade his privacy like that.

In your conversations with friends have you always been 100% positive about everything about him? Unlikely!

HYT · 02/05/2022 22:53

And you admitted yourself that he was mostly positive. You are now turning into he was negative. His one comment is the one you are picking up. Your breach of trust was much worse than his in my opinion.

EarthSight · 02/05/2022 22:55

I wasn’t as attractive but he still had an amazing time with me and wants to be with me

Sometimes people do end up with someone who wasn't as attractive as someone else they were with, but if you asked them if they wanted to be with that person anymore, the would say NO.

However, I think it's a bit odd that he would say this to a friend....like honestly what does it matter if he's having an amazing time with you? Why even bother detailing this?

Original poster
thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 22:57

Yes you’re both right. I 100% know I shouldn’t have looked at his phone and I regret it and would never do it again.

And yes, I guess there’d be things he might not like on my phone too. I guess it’s just playing on my insecurities now but as you say I only have myself to blame. So I guess I have to make a decision as to whether I can live with it or not

OP posts:
CamsPaisleyCuffs · 02/05/2022 22:57

Eeek, you won't move past this.

In a year's time you'll still feel second best. It's an awful feeling. Snoopers never find out anything good and you've learned your lesson, but at least you know. I'd be gutted about the "not as attractive" comment. It doesn't really matter how you feel you measure up against her, it's his perception of how he rates you against her. After 6 months I wouldn't very tying myself up in knots over it, I'd bow out gracefully, tell him you're not quite feeling it. You deserve someone who writes "mate @thirtysomethingdating is, the best thing that ever happened to me".

Original poster
thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 22:59

@EarthSight I don’t know. I almost wonder if it was a ‘lads chat’ bravado thing… perhaps pointing out to his ‘mate’ that he knows he can do / has done better. I really don’t know. I can’t work it out and I just wish I’d never seen it - I shouldn’t have looked and wish I could rewind 😑

OP posts:
Original poster
thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 23:01

@CamsPaisleyCuffs yeah. If I am honest that was my initial feeling / thought. I’m just trying to kid myself that it’s worth sticking around and that I can change his opinion, but that’s just because I’ve developed feelings for him now and don’t want to admit defeat

OP posts:
Gilesgoesformiles · 02/05/2022 23:03

You’ve ruined it. You’ll never be able to unsee what you saw.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 02/05/2022 23:04

Well if you stay with him you're going to have to accept that he might sometimes wish she hadn't dumped him and that he was still with her. But, given time, and if you both want to (and it sounds like you both do) I think you'll be able to build a relationship, and she will recede into the background. You have qualities that she didn't have, and vice versa. There is more to a partner than being 'attractive''. Also, if you have dch, that will be going beyond what he had with her - a new chapter.

Fireflygal · 02/05/2022 23:04

We're you distrustful in other relationships?

Do you listen//trust your instincts?

smine1 · 02/05/2022 23:04

We all know we shouldn't look but something made you look, don't beat yourself up for looking. It's hard because what you have read , like you have said can you forget it ? I know what I'd be like , 'I can forget it' but I'd be on that phone again the next given chance it would eat at me, either way if you say you read it he will not be a happy bunny , but he will also make sure nothing is on there again... just be kind to you , yeah u shouldn't have but you did, can you forget ? Trust your gut , it's normally right.
Xx

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 02/05/2022 23:04

Your BF was tailoring his messages to this particular mate (who is an ass, by your account). He was getting down to his level. Let it go.

HYT · 02/05/2022 23:05

Actions speak louder than words. If you enjoy his company and he shows you that he wants to be with you then I would stick at it. What you did was wrong but now you know that, you can move on from this. He didn’t call you unattractive. Everyone has a one that was better looking than the one they are with or at least most do. However, his attraction may grow more over time and you suddenly become the most attractive in his eyes. Snooping never ends well so lesson learned and time to work on your insecurities.

woodenwindchimes · 02/05/2022 23:07

I didn't read it all.

Trust won't magically appear. It's not there and it never will be so find someone you can trust.

Be open about what you want and how you want it to go. Finances, child rearing etc. Solidify this with someone and make it clear trust is a huge factor also.

You're 33 and if you want children you don't have another ten years necessarily.

You're trying to sacrifice trust and it's a terrible idea.

outbackjulie · 02/05/2022 23:10

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 02/05/2022 23:04

Your BF was tailoring his messages to this particular mate (who is an ass, by your account). He was getting down to his level. Let it go.

100% nailed it!

Original poster
thirtysomethingdating · 02/05/2022 23:12

@NarcissasMumintheDoghouse Thanks - part of me did wonder this too. I did think perhaps he was trying to be on his level… not that that’s a good thing but it does sort of make sense. I guess I just need to decide whether I can live with it.

@AssignedSlytherinAtBirth very good points, thanks. I just need to figure out if I can live with it and with not telling him what I saw. I’ve broken his trust and I don’t want that to eat away at me either

@Fireflygal good question. I’ve always struggled to trust people, men particularly, but no I haven’t read any one’s phone before. I’m angry at myself for doing it but it was just niggling away at me. My gut feel is that he probably wasn’t over her when we met as we got off to a slow start and he kept pulling away. However he’s changed recently and been more committed. It’s just the attractiveness thing… I don’t know.

OP posts:
Tippexy · 02/05/2022 23:13

Paq · 02/05/2022 22:53

You've been together for a very short time and you have pried into a private conversation. I'm sorry for your troubles but it doesn't give you the right to invade his privacy like that.

In your conversations with friends have you always been 100% positive about everything about him? Unlikely!

Six months isn’t a very short time at their ages, as well you know.

Lazul1 · 02/05/2022 23:13

It’s over. The kindest thing you could do now would be to walk away, rather than carry on disingenuously until the inevitable confrontation and all the upset that will go with it. It’s not fair on him. It was a private conversation. Work on your trust issues.

TheCatterall · 02/05/2022 23:15

This is a you problem. Not a him problem.

find a programme/books etc that help
with your insecurities.

decide if you can carry on with him now you’ve breached his privacy and got burnt or if you need to be alone until you are stronger.

Entering a relationship when you have so much baggage/insecurities isn’t fair on either party.

taking one comment like that and basing everything on it won’t help.

for example today I am furious at the chap of many years for an off the cuff remark. I know when I’ve calmed down and explained why it hurt we can sort it out. In the meantime I’ve absolutely vented with my mates about it. If he read my messages about him right now - they wouldn’t be complimentary.

Step1234 · 02/05/2022 23:16

Option 4. End it and work on your self esteem before you date anyone else. Sounds like you're not ready to be in a relationship, never mind him.

Blossomandbee · 02/05/2022 23:16

He had no reason to bring his ex into the conversation, assuming the friend didn't ask for a comparison. Why did his mind go straight to comparing you to her.
I say trust your gut, he's not over her. Also what he said was very disrespectful to you whatever the reason for saying it.