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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

982 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 02/05/2022 20:16

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Lollysticks12 · 06/05/2022 13:20

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/05/2022 12:02

Lollysticks12

i wouLd if you feel a 100% spark

life is imperfect

Yes definitely feel good about it and excited. I'll mull it over a bit longer and maybe think about it for next weekend 🙂

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 06/05/2022 15:07

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/05/2022 10:30

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

sorry to hear abiut Mrs H
hsvd you had a proper discussion about this ?
eoukd it be worth doing so you can make a decision

you so need to stop being so down on yourself and abiut your age
really !
your early 50s
same age as J LO 😂

also never venture in old when in a low mood or feeling jaded
it’s just miserable

do it when in a good mood , tipsy or even better - horny !

No but something has happened today

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 06/05/2022 15:08

Lollysticks12 · 06/05/2022 11:17

Back to looking again , So I always said I wouldn't date anyone too far away and wouldn't message for long before meeting up, but I have 🤦‍♀️🤣 also found out he doesn't have car at the moment 🙄 but we seem to get along great, I'm thinking about driving 45 minutes just to see if this is going anywhere and if not can move on but if it does and he doesn't get a car I refuse to do all the driving, suppose I'm just wondering if I should give it a go 🤷‍♀️

does he have a license?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/05/2022 15:41

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

what happened ?

Original poster
ButterflyOfShay · 06/05/2022 18:40

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/05/2022 10:30

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

sorry to hear abiut Mrs H
hsvd you had a proper discussion about this ?
eoukd it be worth doing so you can make a decision

you so need to stop being so down on yourself and abiut your age
really !
your early 50s
same age as J LO 😂

also never venture in old when in a low mood or feeling jaded
it’s just miserable

do it when in a good mood , tipsy or even better - horny !

Couldn’t agree more about opening the apps depending on what mood you’re in. It was absolutely so different for me going on them when positive and high frequency rather than down and low.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyOfShay · 06/05/2022 18:45

I remember chatting to and getting on teally well with a guy who didn't have a car. Then it turned out he didn't have a job.. and said he wouldn’t have any money to get public transport either… not the man for me 🙈🤪

OP posts:
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 06/05/2022 19:18

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/05/2022 15:41

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

what happened ?

have been invited to weekend away, most unexpected

WeWantTheFinestWines · 07/05/2022 00:11

Loving your lovely update Shay! Sounds romantic and with proper real life potential. I'm going all swooney....

Who has invited you on a weekend away Howlong - Ms H or.... Ms Wales??

Eesha · 07/05/2022 07:30

#234 why I'd like a partner. Opened the front door yesterday and there was a large dead pigeon on the driveway. Couldn't let my children see it so had to pick it up and move it.

Dr Doolittle I ain't.

Hope everyone is going to enjoy the sun today! No irons and kinda getting used to it!

hotnakedgelato · 07/05/2022 07:30

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow !!!! That sounds really positive, like you have turned a corner!!! Details???

Sex update: continuing ED. He's crushed and I was left very confused. Last night, at the time, he went on about how he would understand if I don't want to see him anymore, this isn't how the beginning of a relationship is meant to be. I didn't say anything but I hugged him etc. I felt really bad for him

This morning, we both had to rush off to different things. I said to him that it's a difficult situation and the next time we will both be free isn't till the 15th.

Turns out that though I had taken pains to tell him the days when I am free and schedule time in with him, and I even had mentioned some serious difficulty around the 15th, he has some birthday event he can't miss. He couldn't be fucked to check his diary and let me know that actually that day was a no go.

He said sorry, it was a mistake. I said that I am left to draw the inevitable conclusion that he's not that bothered about my time/seeing me.

My current feeling is that I will have to throw this one back. Gutted.

hotnakedgelato · 07/05/2022 07:31

@Eesha ugh nooo. I also would like a man for these types of practicalities.

Eesha · 07/05/2022 07:32

@hotnakedgelato do you think he made up the birthday event because he's mortified by the ED thing and just wants to avoid you now?

WeWantTheFinestWines · 07/05/2022 07:49

gelato don't do anything rash. The issue of the 15th doesn't look good and the ongoing ED is an issue, but as Esha said, maybe there's a connection? Maybe he's running away because he likes you and feels he's fucking up the whole thing and you're probably going to leave him now... Would it not be worth it giving it time to see if there's something to build on and work together on the ED because you were actually really keen on him and OLD is so shit and maybe hang in there and see if he says and does what you need him to from now on?

WeWantTheFinestWines · 07/05/2022 07:49

I've made him sound like a puppy now. I think you get my gist.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 07/05/2022 07:51

Eesha removing dead pigeons, random bits of DIY - there are many reasons other than sex, fun and companionship to want a man in your life.

hotnakedgelato · 07/05/2022 08:27

@WeWantTheFinestWines thanks for this balancing perspective.

I am not planning to do anything rash, but to be honest, I am livid. The ED was upsetting, and is a problem tbh. But being disrespectful of my time is a total deal-breaker. I am sure this is a real event.

I subscribe to "if he wanted to, he would," and this is a pretty clear example of not prioritising me in any way.

My plan is to wait and see what he has to say. But we won't see each other again in May without serious efforts on my part. He's totally booked up whenever I am free, which is part of the reason I am so angry.

hotnakedgelato · 07/05/2022 08:28

@Eesha it sounds like a real event. He looked confused when I mentioned the 15th and then he was very apologetic.

MincedMalbec · 07/05/2022 09:24

@hotnakedgelato i agree with your feelings that he should be totally on the ball with wanting to see you. Early days seem confusing, you want to be casual but at the same time you should be able to expect them to want to know when they’re next seeing you. I have a similar problem, trying to be chilled but also thinking I’d be planning the next date within a couple of days of the last if it’s going well, especially as busy lives mean it needs scheduling even if it’s not for a while! That feeling of disappointment early on is hard to ignore. Having said all that I’d give it a bit longer, see if he steps up!!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/05/2022 09:25

hotnakedgelato

im sorry to hear this disappointing update
but not totally suprised being the realist that I am

I also get the date issue , we are single Parents and can’t do impromptu without some serious work

also , never react in the moment
I understand your instincts and best to sleep on it

I hope you have some nice things this weekend to spark joy a bit ?

I understand your wish to end it , as frankly the angst is totally outweighing the joy

but damm it’s a shame and I hope You are not too sad
but suspect you will be x

Penguinwaddler · 07/05/2022 09:42

@hotnakedgelato I'm so sorry it's been shit :( it all sounds hugely disappointing but perhaps some time apart may actually be beneficial?

hotnakedgelato · 07/05/2022 09:44

@MincedMalbec yes, it is tricky, isn't it? Early days are so confusing. So you're in a similar situation with scheduling dates with an iron?

I'm not going to do anything rash, am waiting to see how he handles things!

Penguinwaddler · 07/05/2022 09:45

MincedMalbec · 07/05/2022 09:24

@hotnakedgelato i agree with your feelings that he should be totally on the ball with wanting to see you. Early days seem confusing, you want to be casual but at the same time you should be able to expect them to want to know when they’re next seeing you. I have a similar problem, trying to be chilled but also thinking I’d be planning the next date within a couple of days of the last if it’s going well, especially as busy lives mean it needs scheduling even if it’s not for a while! That feeling of disappointment early on is hard to ignore. Having said all that I’d give it a bit longer, see if he steps up!!

Eurgh you're right, the early days are so confusing and the disappointment is gutting at times! I hate the uncertainty of whether I'm meeting someone again for another date. If something isn't scheduled within a few days from the previous date then I feel so anxious and worry that they're giving me the slow fade out haha.

hotnakedgelato · 07/05/2022 09:47

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/05/2022 09:25

hotnakedgelato

im sorry to hear this disappointing update
but not totally suprised being the realist that I am

I also get the date issue , we are single Parents and can’t do impromptu without some serious work

also , never react in the moment
I understand your instincts and best to sleep on it

I hope you have some nice things this weekend to spark joy a bit ?

I understand your wish to end it , as frankly the angst is totally outweighing the joy

but damm it’s a shame and I hope You are not too sad
but suspect you will be x

Thanks♥️

This is all good advice and I know that you know where I am coming from with the limited single mum time!

Fortunately, I have a weekend away with friends, so I will be able to lick my wounds and have some nice distractions.

I am pretty sad, but will take a wait and see approach. There's realistically no reason to dump him dramatically by text now, other than to vent my spleen.

Part of me wants to hop on OLD and slut around, but I realise this is an unhealthy impulse.

@Penguinwaddler you really may be right about that. Have a break, see if we still get on...

Penguinwaddler · 07/05/2022 09:51

@hotnakedgelato time apart is good (although frustrating lol) as you can recentre. A weekend away with friends with be perfect to lick you wounds but also hear different perspectives from them. And have fun away from it all!!

MincedMalbec · 07/05/2022 10:19

@Penguinwaddler and @hotnakedgelato it’s always tempting for me to ask him but I’m practicing waiting (after being very forward at the start) which I find very hard to do! I think this stage makes most of us nuts. I blurt out all my thoughts with my married friends and they look at me like I have two heads!! Haha they are all ‘chill out, do not text that’ etc etc and I know my rational and usually cool self totally agrees but 9pm on a Thursday when the iron is chatting on WhatsApp and STILL hasn’t mentioned another meet since the previous weekend is hard to be cool about!! 🤣 I think in this situation it usually turns out ok and if it doesn’t you’ll recognise when you’ve had enough!!