Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Was my ex, rather!

look so different from their photos that I can't hide my shock

Yes, that’s another worry. Also, what if someone I vaguely know is there and I have an audience? Or I tremble so violently that I fling wine across the table?? I just have to remind myself that I felt all these things before but somehow got through it. I don’t feel like this in any other scenario, it’s ridiculous.

Please don't be nervous. See it as meeting a friend for a catch up. And don't push it too soon with deal breakers and needing to know everything. It's really not a big deal, just two people having a chat.

This is the headspace I’m trying to enter.

I've only met about 8 or 9 men total from OLD, ever

that’s probably about the same as me then. I get fed up of it very quickly and tend to just dip in and out every six months or so, when I’m single obviously. None of my LTRs were from OLD.

rather than 'this might be my soulmate'.

I think I’ve tended to be like that in the past to the point I worked myself up into a frenzy about somebody I ended up not fancying in the slightest. I’m more pragmatic this time around so I’m not building it up too much, but it’s still rather nerve-racking.

I do like him on paper though. Nice looking, writes well, doesn’t come across like a weirdo and we share a bit of a niche interest. It doesn’t take much to please me 🤣

Hi guys,

I want to apologise to you all for being down on the thread again. I don’t want to get back to the person I used to be on here, and reading back though my posts this evening, I did sound angry so I apologise.

i’ve made such good progress trying to get back into the swing of things again and I don’t want to spoil it ❤️

Long post alert!
Very nervous /signed up to Bumble!
Have been seeing a gorgeous guy in RL which has been fantastic and got me out of my dead marriage (we were separated for years but living in the same house and genuinely leading separate lives till kids were grown). Was not expecting to ever have a relationship again so this has been an amazing few months and I am happily now living on my own with amicable split from STBXH. However Mr Rocket as I shall call him has had a very traumatic life and is damaged - yearns for commitment but runs away from it. He freely admits he is insecure and needs constant reassurance. Previous girlfriends have given up on him after the first flush of attraction (he is gorgeous physically) and it is obvious that he has rarely had sex. He does try, has gained confidence and there is improvement in the ED department.
However… when we discussed online dating he said he could never do it, snd I can see he would not be able to do the chasing and chat up.Also told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else. We have a have a large circle of common friends from hobby who assume we are a couple. A couple of nights ago he late meeting me -not that unusual but later when he was about to leave and couldn’t find his phone I found it in another room and there were messages on the hone screen. Yes I shouldn’t have looked but I did. One was a text from a number, not a name saying ‘lovely to see you yesterday, hope you made it to your early start today x’ (Anyone on here recognise that message?? 😀😀sent early Sunday evening in London? 😀)
So I guessed he had met her and told her he had an early start next day hence leaving her early evening - NOT that he was going to meet his girlfriend 😀The fact it was a number not a name made me think is clearly a new hook up -or maybe some he just met there is a bar or somewhere snd gave her his number - which isn’t good!
Also on the Lock Screen was a news item about relationships /didn’t recognise the logo but when he had gone I thought about it and that if he is in a dating site it would be Bumble as he looks good in pics and would probably get some attention without effort. Bingo! Looked it up and it was that logo. So even if he is just getting news notifications he has at some point signed up which he told me he gad never done.
so two ginormous red flags.
Not surprised because I feel he needs to sabotage me everything - relationships/jobs etc.
So I signed up myself on a whim and got three matches. Am incognito but curious to see if his profile pops up!
A year ago I couldn’t have done this but gave do much more confidence than then so he has definitely been a force for the good but the magic was tarnishing bd this has definitely killed the magic and I feel strangely relieved and liberated.
But now I have to decide what to do about actually messaging the matches - would like to dip my toe in and coffee on a very low key way and see what happens.

@JangolinaPitt Men who make a big thing about not doing something are usually doing exactly that.

He sounds emotionally unavailable and needs ego boosting which sounds so onerous.
I mean we all like an ego boost but I'm not sure constant reassurance is healthy.

The thing you have with him has not been clarified (regardless of whether people think you're a couple) and so he is free to do what he likes.

What do you want from him?

.. that was what drew me in too. Turned out this individual had served time

.. am hoping to try a date again with someone I’ve known 2.5 years on Friday. He’s kind but the episode I refer to has left my already tattered post divorce nerves in a bit of a state and am having terrible trouble separating it all out. I think it helps (let’s call him Mr T) that I’ve known him a long time. It was him who told me from his own dating experiences that secrets in others rather scared him .. he was trying to warn me. I’ll let you know how it goes. Will be good to catch up again. Might even put on a skirt..

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers you are absolutely fine and hey if i was you, I’d be proud of who I am.. absolutely nothing wrong with not having shagged someone.. if I could erase certain memories I would! At least you can say you’ve never done anything you regret! 😘

@WeWantTheFinestWines this is exciting!! Potential eeeek 😍

@IodineQueen I think great advice out there from other posters, you have to try and see it as a date zero and if you actually want to see them again, then that's your actual date 1.
It's nerve wracking when you feel invested though,
could you not swipe more this week to avoid this feeling?
I'm feeling a bit invested in my walking date this weekend but I've written up a list of amber flags plus I genuinely am not sure I'll be attracted.
But past experience has shown me that even with the attraction, its still gone pear-shaped so I'm trying to keep an open mind.

Date zero booked for Friday with a guy I've been chatting to for just over a week. It's with a view to beginning a fwb situation as he is 11 years younger than me. Seems keen and has checked in daily. Made it clear that I am not rushing into just casually shagging someone and he has made no reference to sex. Unusual but refreshing. We'll see. Various other chats which just drift away and of course the usual sex pests.

@ pixie5121
this is scary, and exactly what I am afraid of. There are so many things that could go wrong with this.

Mr S seemingly was going to stay up late texting me while I do chores to keep me company, despite both of us having had late nights and early starts two days in a row. I told him to sleep. Already feeling a tiny bit stifled😬. Will be interesting to see how it is to meet each others' friends and do other things that involve life integration.

I don’t think you have the anything to worry about, the right person won’t care.

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers
No, I didn't like not knowing what it was all about. My point was that I rushed into it when it probably would have been better to wait for the right person, is all!

WeWantTheFinestWines

m that sounds lovely ! It’s rare to find an intellectual connection . Green shoots and he’s making you SMILE

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers
nothing to apologise for
but delete gambit ! X

IodineQueen

I get very nervous too
I tend to have a CBD edible before first dates 🙈
so book a walking date and at least the nature distracts me

but what can I say ! Can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs

Regarding all the SEX
I’ve had a blip as
(a) worried about son
(b) keep getting period
(c) got minor burns from the most horrific bikini wax yesterday
she elected to give me a ‘hot wax’ and my lord

she then blew on it to cook it down 🤣
I’d actually prefer a cone biopsy or a dental appt to that horror

what does everyone else do ?
im feeling angry 😡 abiut this shit today
it’s not self care
it’s torture

@Thisisworsethananticpated ouch poor you that sounds nasty

I don’t wax. Just use veet and trim. No guy has ever complained!

I hopefully have a 2nd date this week but struggling with the fact he doesn’t really do texting or messaging. Communication has been pretty rubbish from the start, I just don’t think he does texting, hardly spoke to him after our last date, kind of got it into my head that he wasn’t interested and then out of the blue he messages asking if I wanted to go out last week, it was last minute and I was already busy). I really like him but feeling a bit confused about the lack of effort on his part so have been keeping my options open and I have been chatting to someone else (a back up plan).
So if I do go on a 2nd date do I mention to him that I’m finding the lack of texting odd? Do I ask him what his plans are? I have a itch that needs itching but I don’t want to jump on him and scare him off as I have no idea if he feels the same.

My other iron lives a bit further away, is quite a bit older than me but we have quite a lot in common, we have been chatting on Tinder but not arranged to meet yet.

Also had someone I dated several year back get in touch with me and wants to meet up for a few days (he lives quite far away), he’s not someone I would want a relationship with but he was a good sh#g 🤣.

There’s no need to put yourself through pain just to meet some impossible standard. In my experience most guys are just happy with sex and affection.

That’s a good idea, I have some CBD that I could vape beforehand. I’ve never done a walk on a first date (or should I say date zero!), I’d like to but I feel I need a glass of something to calm my nerves and help me open up, despite not being a big drinker or a pub person. I’m a bit worried about meeting on a Friday eve in case it’s really busy but our calendars didn’t match up for meeting earlier in the week.

@WeWantTheFinestWines ….Super update. If you are getting that strong connection and are looking forward to being with him…this is boding great.
@IodineQueen …hang on in there and try to take it with a pinch of salt and not like a make or break.
Good morning everyone