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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

982 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 02/05/2022 20:16

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyOfShay · 15/05/2022 20:09

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/05/2022 11:05

ButterflyOfShay
its a big week for you !
I won’t share my hopes that a tanned You meets some nice man eyes in an Ibizan beach bar 🤣

how does your jealousy manifest and what triggers ?
heavy question for a Sunday morning

Thanks sugar! Really hope I do too! I mean if I can’t find anyone to flirt with in flipping Ibiza you might as well just throw me into an old peoples home now forevermore and chuck away the key!!!
Triggers for me are seeing them flirt with other women or being over friendly. It is something I absolutely need to work on. I flirt with everyone but it means nothing. But if I see them doing the same as me I just can’t bear it. I turn into a psycho 😭😭🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterflyOfShay · 15/05/2022 20:10

@Stepcount ! Yabba dabba doooo!!! 🥳🥳 so happy for you lady!!!! 💘💘

OP posts:
lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 20:52

Mr Interview just finished with me! He said he didn't think we were suited, so I guess I didn't pass the interview! I'm actually really upset and had a little cry.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 15/05/2022 21:07

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 20:52

Mr Interview just finished with me! He said he didn't think we were suited, so I guess I didn't pass the interview! I'm actually really upset and had a little cry.

Oh that's harsh. You had a really good date didn't you, just no physical contact? Which is not unusual for a second date. Sounds like you had good reason to think you would at least see each other again. Sorry, that hurts. Ain't OLD a bitch sometimes...

Mila14 · 15/05/2022 21:13

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 20:52

Mr Interview just finished with me! He said he didn't think we were suited, so I guess I didn't pass the interview! I'm actually really upset and had a little cry.

Sorry to hear this. It’s really hard to deal with rejection when we like someone. On the other hand at least it didn’t progress so that you would get even more invested on this relationship. You have saved yourself from even more heartbreak and disappointment.
You were very unsure about Mr Interview so I am sure your gut feeling told you this was not right…take care and there’s someone out there more suited to you😘

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 21:20

Thank you both of you. Yes, it was a really good date with lots of eye contact etc. I knew deep down that I wasn't what he was looking for, and I think he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend who split up with him a couple of months ago. But I guess that because I liked him so much I was just hoping that he might feel the same. After so many hundreds of long and lovely messages from him, it was a really short, cold and abrupt way to finish with me. I think that's what hurts. I've just deleted him so I won't torture myself looking through the messages.

Stayingstrongish · 15/05/2022 21:45

@lesgalettes so sorry to hear this. It sounds like he’s one of those guys who gets carried away at the beginning, goes in for love bombing, then wants to jump ship and find someone else to fall for once they actually meet the real person behind the messages. You’re better off without someone who can suddenly turn so cold like that.

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 21:51

Stayingstongish

Yes I think you're right. I found it easy to subconsciously become what he wanted me to be when I was messaging, but in real life I just did not live up to it. I did feel like I was being judged, and do know that I wouldn't have been happy with him but I was caught up in the fantasy which was really easy as I was so attracted to him too. I know I need to find someone who likes me as I am.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/05/2022 21:58

lesgalettes

oh babe . Your first entry to online dating
Its ok to cry
I’ve done it too

lots of self care , get some fun in . I promise you will meet someone nicer who doesn’t interview you
your back in the dating horse , and with bruises x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/05/2022 22:01

ButterflyOfShay

oh me too . And I’m also really chatty and flirty too
😳
Oh I have some memories of this now you say that
yes
I have alot of triggers 🙈

Stepcount · 15/05/2022 22:13

@lesgalettes , sorry to read your update. These early encounters with OLD are some of the most difficult to go through. They contain challenges that in my experience do get slightly easier to face with each new date or chat. It’s almost like you need a whole new emotional toolkit.

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 22:13

Thisisworsethananticipated

Thank you for your kindness, it's just what I need. x

Stepcount · 15/05/2022 22:14

ButterflyOfShay · 15/05/2022 20:10

@Stepcount ! Yabba dabba doooo!!! 🥳🥳 so happy for you lady!!!! 💘💘

Thank you Shay. 🤗

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 22:15

Stepcount

Yes, I'm trying to look at it positively in that at least he was a nice man and was respectful towards me. And I'm now a bit more practiced for next time ....

Eesha · 15/05/2022 23:34

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 22:15

Stepcount

Yes, I'm trying to look at it positively in that at least he was a nice man and was respectful towards me. And I'm now a bit more practiced for next time ....

@lesgalettes you both gave it a go and it didn't work out. He wasn't cruel or mean. I know I used to feel hurt if they said no even if I didn't like the person myself! I think you'll feel much more differently next time.

Daydreamscometrue · 16/05/2022 06:42

lesgalettes · 15/05/2022 22:15

Stepcount

Yes, I'm trying to look at it positively in that at least he was a nice man and was respectful towards me. And I'm now a bit more practiced for next time ....

Sorry to hear this but at least he was respectful about way he ended it. On to the next!

hotnakedgelato · 16/05/2022 07:03

@Stepcount That's fantastic news!!! I'm so pleased for you, and I hope that this gives your guy the confidence that he needs to get past this issue! It must be such a relief for you both.

@ButterflyOfShay Happy birthday! Your Ibiza trip sounds fabulous. Looking forward to the nail photo.

@lesgalettes I am sorry that you are feeling bad about this. To me, it sounds as if you have escaped a bad situation, if you already felt that you were molding yourself into something that you are not in order to please him. Just the way that you describe this suggests that you may have approached this as you needing to please him to pass his test. I hope that the more you date on OLD, the more you will see yourself as the prize to be won.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Oh, that jealous feeling is so unpleasant to deal with. I think that it's really positive that you can recognise that it's probably irrational and that you are able to examine the reasons for it.

hotnakedgelato · 16/05/2022 07:14

Great news with Mr S! He came over last night and we finally DTD!

Interestingly, he had a viagra on an empty stomach before he came over (my instructions) but still wasn't full lift off early in the evening (but enough to work). He wanted to go for a round two a bit later but couldn't. He was really upset and said he really believes that it's a mental block.

We then had a long and nice chat about other things. At the end of it, when he wasn't focusing on whether or not he could do it, I made a move and it was definitely and completely all systems go. My fears are now allayed, honestly.

This felt like a big barrier we needed to cross to progress toward some sort of official relationship. It's such a surprise that this seems to be happening.

lesgalettes · 16/05/2022 08:05

@hotnakedgelato I know you are right. I had such good advice on here right after my first date with him when he said "I'll let you know", but maybe I did build this fantasy around him without listening enough to my own doubts, probably because I loved the way he wrote, and then was so attracted to him when we met. I know I want to meet someone who makes me feel good about myself, and that is not him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/05/2022 08:08

hotnakedgelato

🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀

we’ve had an excellent weekend for boners !!!!!
Happy for you and very impressed you stuck with it , handled it etc

hotnakedgelato · 16/05/2022 08:59

@Thisisworsethananticpated i definitely did "handle" itBlush

Mila14 · 16/05/2022 09:17

hotnakedgelato · 16/05/2022 08:59

@Thisisworsethananticpated i definitely did "handle" itBlush

😈😈😈😈 yay for your “handling” of the situation ! It has indeed been boners weekend!
have a good week everyone

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 16/05/2022 09:30

hotnakedgelato · 16/05/2022 07:14

Great news with Mr S! He came over last night and we finally DTD!

Interestingly, he had a viagra on an empty stomach before he came over (my instructions) but still wasn't full lift off early in the evening (but enough to work). He wanted to go for a round two a bit later but couldn't. He was really upset and said he really believes that it's a mental block.

We then had a long and nice chat about other things. At the end of it, when he wasn't focusing on whether or not he could do it, I made a move and it was definitely and completely all systems go. My fears are now allayed, honestly.

This felt like a big barrier we needed to cross to progress toward some sort of official relationship. It's such a surprise that this seems to be happening.

That’s great, once the mental blocks are overcome the physical issues can be dealt with, going for round 2 will be such a boost for both of you

hotnakedgelato · 16/05/2022 10:17

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow yes, it was actually a bit scary for me (after years of sexual rejection from my ex), but I think that he's been a bit afraid of pushing things forward sometimes because he knows that I suffered a lot of trauma with my ex. I think that my taking the lead may have helped him to feel more comfortable and free.

Your advice through this has been very helpful - thanks again

Brightstar29 · 16/05/2022 10:23

Went out with both my irons this weekend, one on Friday we went for a meal and drinks, ended up getting quite tipsy and had a good night.

The other one came over yesterday to help me with some stuff and we went for a nice walk and watched a film with a takeaway and cuddles which was lovely.

But I’m now even more confused. The one I got tipsy with I’ve had more initial chemistry with but we have so far only been out twice and both involved alcohol.

The other one so far seems like more long term potential, but to be honest I think they could both have that which makes it harder. I have a big fear of choosing the wrong person due to making that error before. It’s still also early days with both and difficult to judge.

I’m also aware that I’ve often been sucked in by initial chemistry rather than taking the time to properly get to know someone before, and that has made me get with the wrong people who haven’t treated me well (anyone who has read ‘women who love too much’ will know what I mean with this).