Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

982 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 02/05/2022 20:16

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Penguinwaddler · 13/05/2022 20:26

@WeWantTheFinestWines haha that's a good sign that he's not mentioned an Alice 😅

DdraigGoch · 13/05/2022 21:27

hotnakedgelato · 13/05/2022 07:55

@ButterflyOfShay the Italian hard cheese is rubbish! The worst part is that he's an ethical vegetarian, so he won't make exceptions for any delicious things like a bit of fish sauce here and there. And he appears to eat terrible food in general, lots of fake meat. He was rifling through my refrigerator for margarine until I informed him that I only do real butter.

At least he's not vegan - I don't think I could cope.

Miss L (as I shall now call her for the purposes of this thread) did have "vegetarian" on her profile, though it turns out that it's not quite true and she does eat some meat as long as she can be sure of the welfare conditions. I buy from independent butchers anyway so this shouldn't be an obstacle.

She's been trying to arrange another meet up, before our planned bike ride on Sunday, so she's definitely not losing interest despite her wanting to take things slowly. Thursday and Friday weren't suitable, mostly because of my shifts, but we should be able to steal an hour or two tomorrow morning.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 13/05/2022 23:11

nakedgelato I would be very happy for someone to look in my fridge so they can make me a cup of tea or pour me some wine. He's obviously comfortable in your place, which is surely a good sign.

Eesha · 14/05/2022 06:33

@DdraigGoch that's great momentum is still there.

I've had to dial myself back in over Mr Blue, my latest iron. Great guy seemingly but I felt myself getting invested as we seem to get on very well. I suspect its going to be too early on his journey ie newly divorced (I think) and still in that fragile mode looking for a comfort blanket rather than anything more. I've no evidence of this but given that my last two relationships seemed to end with the men getting stressed with life, im definitely looking out for those red flags more. I definitely want someone who is ready.

SortingItOut · 14/05/2022 07:28

@Stayingstrongish It's great you have a couple of evenings to yourself, what do you do on those evenings?

If you're still feeling like you need space then either your evenings for yourself are not being used for you or It's not enough.

I know you can't stop having the children but could you dial back on seeing Mr Beard and friends until your equilibrium is better?
Sometimes we just need a reset.

Stayingstrongish · 14/05/2022 09:12

@SortingItOut I like to read but also spend time sorting the house out. Or watch a tv show and drink wine!

What do you do when you get time to yourself?

WeWantTheFinestWines · 14/05/2022 09:16

It's a shame you feel the need to step back from Mr Blue Eesha but it's really positive when you feel you're using your hard won experience to make better decisions about new irons. So many daters aren't ready, and just want what they had before.

SortingItOut · 14/05/2022 09:29

@Stayingstrongish It sounds like your time is spent on good things but maybe you do just need more of it.

I like a general potter about which I know makes me sound about 90 but it sums up what I do. I do a bit of housework, a bit of gardening, a bit of admin, check socialmedia and mumsnet, drink lots of coffee and eat chocolate plus catch up with my adult kids who live with me but I rarely see.
Or sometimes I get in bed really early with a coffee and chocolate and read - i love a good evening lazing in bed.

Eesha · 14/05/2022 09:29

WeWantTheFinestWines · 14/05/2022 09:16

It's a shame you feel the need to step back from Mr Blue Eesha but it's really positive when you feel you're using your hard won experience to make better decisions about new irons. So many daters aren't ready, and just want what they had before.

Thanks @WeWantTheFinestWines , we are still meeting next Sunday for a date zero but I've made a nice list of reservations to stop me feeling too invested. I think he's a good guy and I hope I'm attracted but I think it might be very early for him. His wife has a partner and he's moving out of the family home in a few weeks officially but just feels like he's at that in between stage where he's going to feel really sad about not seeing his kids 24/7

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/05/2022 10:17

Youcunnyfunt
we’ll be needing to get hats soon ! ❤️❤️🤣

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/05/2022 10:22

Eesha ·
my iron is definitely grieving the loss of his nuclear family , and another more recent bereavement
it affects everyone differently

what I’ve seen is without really discussing it he’s really working on his own mental health but also how we discuss it
basically , minimally !!!!
whereas I’m dealing with a diffferent fall out terms of my sons sen and mental health

but yeah If you are getting red flags 🚩 already

but I’m somewhat convinced that post divorce everyone got baggage
just different types
its almost inevitable

but it’s how we handle it that matters

Mila14 · 14/05/2022 11:41

Eesha · 14/05/2022 06:33

@DdraigGoch that's great momentum is still there.

I've had to dial myself back in over Mr Blue, my latest iron. Great guy seemingly but I felt myself getting invested as we seem to get on very well. I suspect its going to be too early on his journey ie newly divorced (I think) and still in that fragile mode looking for a comfort blanket rather than anything more. I've no evidence of this but given that my last two relationships seemed to end with the men getting stressed with life, im definitely looking out for those red flags more. I definitely want someone who is ready.

Eesha, interesting comment about men looking for comfort blanket and not being ready…what are the red flags look out for ?

Mila14 · 14/05/2022 11:44

WeWantTheFinestWines · 14/05/2022 09:16

It's a shame you feel the need to step back from Mr Blue Eesha but it's really positive when you feel you're using your hard won experience to make better decisions about new irons. So many daters aren't ready, and just want what they had before.

I wonder whether I am one of those daters… not totally ready or wanting to have what I had with my ex…tricky

Mila14 · 14/05/2022 11:54

Eesha · 14/05/2022 09:29

Thanks @WeWantTheFinestWines , we are still meeting next Sunday for a date zero but I've made a nice list of reservations to stop me feeling too invested. I think he's a good guy and I hope I'm attracted but I think it might be very early for him. His wife has a partner and he's moving out of the family home in a few weeks officially but just feels like he's at that in between stage where he's going to feel really sad about not seeing his kids 24/7

Show quote history

Oh…Eesha…I understand now fully. Tread carefully…all is too recent

Mila14 · 14/05/2022 11:57

@Thisisworsethananticpated
this “but it’s how we handle it that matters “…it’s the key I think. I totally agree we all have baggage and time helps I think.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 14/05/2022 12:30

Mr Gambit messaged me on Hinge today!

yes, you did read that correctly.

he’s feeling very sorry for himself, I think.

he said:

’Hi Crunch, hope you’re feeling okay. I know I didn’t always treat you in the way you deserved. I got scared at times. I hope you find the right person.x’

’I got scared???’ Well, I get scared of dating too, but I don’t treat people like he does. What a piss poor excuse! I mean, he’s nearly 30 for god’s sake. I bet he only wrote to me because I came up on his feed (we live locally to each other)

of course, he can’t WhatsApp me because he’s blocked. Because he’s an emotional abuser who won’t make time for me, who exploited my wish for a family. Who wasn’t there when I needed him.

so I won’t do anything at all. I think I’ll just leave him to sulk, quite frankly.

pixie5121 · 14/05/2022 12:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 14/05/2022 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

{mention: pixie5121} no worries 🙂 he’s an ex iron of mine who didn’t want to date, meet up or do anything much really. I’ve ‘known’ him for a year and a half I think.

he always used his work (he’s a teacher) as an excuse for not meeting. He acts like he runs his department single handedly (he doesn’t)

I really did fancy him and want to date him, but he would dangle dates in front of me and then say something like ‘I think we’ve run our course now.’

I got so bored of it. I went NC with him last year. There’s a lot more but that’s it in a nutshell.

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 14/05/2022 13:18

As Tanya Byron would say, I’m going to give him time out. (I’ve watched a lot of House of Tiny Tearaways this week) 😂😂🤣

pixie5121 · 14/05/2022 13:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Eesha · 14/05/2022 15:05

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/05/2022 10:22

Eesha ·
my iron is definitely grieving the loss of his nuclear family , and another more recent bereavement
it affects everyone differently

what I’ve seen is without really discussing it he’s really working on his own mental health but also how we discuss it
basically , minimally !!!!
whereas I’m dealing with a diffferent fall out terms of my sons sen and mental health

but yeah If you are getting red flags 🚩 already

but I’m somewhat convinced that post divorce everyone got baggage
just different types
its almost inevitable

but it’s how we handle it that matters

@Thisisworsethananticpated @Mila14 i think sometimes people just feel this connection after having such a bad time and then cling on tightly before deciding that they aren't ready. I'm at a very different stage as I've had a couple of partners since my big breakup and I'm definitely learning more as I'm going along about what I like.

New iron seems lovely but it's early days for him. I'm pretty good at chat and I often have men saying they feel this amazing connection only for it to peter out when reality hits. However it's hard knowing when someone is actually ready. I'm trying hard not to get invested. Also I haven't even met him so there's the physical attraction thing!

Rubyroseyposey · 14/05/2022 16:07

Mr Latino has just suggested dinner tonight - wouldnt be my first choice for a first meet but i am tempted 😅 not replied yet.

Mila14 · 14/05/2022 19:40

Rubyroseyposey · 14/05/2022 16:07

Mr Latino has just suggested dinner tonight - wouldnt be my first choice for a first meet but i am tempted 😅 not replied yet.

Yay. I like it when they go for dinner…it’s a really good way to get to know someone I think

WeWantTheFinestWines · 14/05/2022 19:58

Rubyroseyposey · 14/05/2022 16:07

Mr Latino has just suggested dinner tonight - wouldnt be my first choice for a first meet but i am tempted 😅 not replied yet.

Have you had a date zero or is this the very first time you'll meet? I wouldn't want dinner for a first meet - what if you have nothing to talk about and there's no spark? On the other hand, food is nice so...

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers · 14/05/2022 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

{mention: pixie5121} I know. It was a bit unfair how it all happened. He suggested going for a coffee. He was isolating at the time.

then I was trying all weekend to message him trying to arrange the date and he eventually (at past 10pm) messaged me back and said ‘sorry, I was with my friends. I think we’ve run our course now. We should both look elsewhere.’