Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

It's my birthday next week too Shay - maybe we're birthday buddies 🥳

I’ve hit a wall a bit with Mr Beard. I’ve been feeling anxious and down generally and am now not sure if I want to stay in the relationship or not. Suspect I might feel this way with anyone after a few months but also suspect I would go back on the apps if I did break up with him, out of curiosity and loneliness.

He hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s lovely. But sometimes I find myself preferring my own space and wanting more time to myself. Then other times I like having someone I can go out and share experiences with. The sex is still really good, but sometimes I struggle with the bits inbetween, like making conversation. Again I think this is a fault of mine and might be a problem whoever I was with.

Been speaking to someone for a few days, will call him Mr latino. Had some interesting discussions so far and we seem to have similar views. Was also speaking with someone else but when he said he felt the governments plan to send refugees to rwanda was a good idea I felt he needed to be chucked back 😩😂

If he cares about you he will accept you the way you are.
If you want to be quiet, be quiet, be content.
Speak to him.
Maybe he likes the space and quiet too!

@Rubyroseyposey …good that there’s a new interest around…Mr Latino, yay.
@Stayingstrongish …agree 100% with @Shunter350 …discuss how you feel and keep your own space

@Shunter350 & @Mila14 perhaps you’re right, I need to take more time out for me and take things more slowly. Being an introvert I need alone time to recharge.

I suppose I’m wondering whether being in a relationship benefits me. There are both pros and cons to having a relationship (with anyone!) and I’m not sure yet whether I’d better suit being single.

No pressure @Stayingstrongish …things at your convenience and as you prefer. It’s ok not to be in a relationship too. It’s ok to be in many, each of us have to choose what suits us better. You stay you and do what you want. 😘

I'm going to name an iron I've been chatting to for a few days. I expect I'll then never hear from him again. He sends longish, well written messages, which is just how I like it. Nothing creepy or weird. Educated. Doesn't live with his mum. Never mentioned an Alice once. He's quite far away though so we'll probably never meet but he's my only iron so I'll call him Mr Arty (his profile said he liked arty farty films).

And as I write this a message comes up that he's started looking forward to our evening messages (I have DC this week so it's past 10 before I check my messages) and suggesting a phone call and that he hasn't been down this way for a long time. So I guess I did hear from him again.

@WeWantTheFinestWines exciting! Does he live far from you?

@Stayingstrongish I'm literally big hair and no makeup as a norm but I look/feel so much better when I'm all groomed and polished! Im trying to delay things just in case my date gets cancelled or there's a massive red flag. I hate wasting money. But I'm definitely looking forward to our walk next week. We do exchange a few extremely long app messages each day, maybe 3 a day. What's the normal etiquette these days?

@WeWantTheFinestWines I like the sound of Mr Arty now. When are you next meeting?

@WeWantTheFinestWines he sounds nice! And keen.

@Stayingstrongish do you get the feeling that he is expecting those things of you, or is this pressure that you are putting on yourself?

Personally, I go a bit nutso if I don't get enough alone time, so I totally get where you're coming from. I can even feel sympathetic creeping dread envisaging that smothering feeling.

However, I think it is fine to draw boundaries in a relationship to preserve your mental health. A good partner should understand that!

Stayingstrongish

do I recall you are going through a divorce ?
either way if you are stressed in general it’s going to impact you
are you able to do other things to address the stress ? The first aid kit of nutrition , exercise , talking yada yada

either way sounds like you need a recharge and it’s hard to explain that in the early days

Eesha
sometimEs I wonder if all this grooming is me dating in a porn hub world

but I do feel better and more confident for it in general

the jury’s out !

It’s been a tough week here
lots of toxic work politics and sen kid challenges galore

sometimes I wonder if the dating helps me , distracts me
or If I’m so busy obesssing I’m taking my eye off the ball , which is of course my son

yesterday we didn’t text much and I decided he’s dumped me
he hasn’t , he was busy

but I want to feel relaxed and have the right balance - and am feeling like I’ve dropped the ball in handling son as I throw myself into work , building projects , dating , ‘self care’ instead of handling a very difficult situation

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes, going through divorce 😕 And have reached an intense stage in mediation and trying to sort out finances. I’m sure this is making me a bit more irritable

@hotnakedgelato I think it’s more pressure I’m putting on myself. He always says to let him know if I need alone time or time with friends.

@Eesha think dating couples can be really varied with how often they message so don’t know whether there is a ‘normal’. Mr Beard and I usually message back and forward during the day whenever we get a moment between work/kids. They tend to be short messages, or photos of things from our day, could be anything between 4-20 maybe

Stayingstrongish

a bit ! That’s living hell stage of a divorce (admittedly There are many levels )🤣

I’m giving you the same advice I’d try and follow which is this is the toughest thing for you right now

make no major decisions and breathe
and make no major assumptions

Hope you get a decent solution

@ButterflyOfShay the Italian hard cheese is rubbish! The worst part is that he's an ethical vegetarian, so he won't make exceptions for any delicious things like a bit of fish sauce here and there. And he appears to eat terrible food in general, lots of fake meat. He was rifling through my refrigerator for margarine until I informed him that I only do real butter.

At least he's not vegan - I don't think I could cope.

Anyone ever had the dilemma of liking two people? I’ve somehow ended up in this situation, one I’ve been on 4 dates with and the other got a 2nd date tonight but been messaging back and forth in-between. I have never been in this situation before. I’ve not dtd with either as that’s where I would definitely draw the line and want to be exclusive to one. Both seem to have good qualities I like, seem to have slightly more of a laugh with the one I have the 2nd date with tonight but the other one I seem to have deeper conversations with (not sure if that’s because I have seen him more?), both seem to have qualities I like and want the same things.

I’ve had situations in the past where I have chose the wrong person and regretted it, which is something I am worried about doing again. Has anyone else ever been in this situation before have any words of advice?

@hotnakedgelato I think your guy sounds like a 'normal' vegetarian. Noone who is properly vegetarian would eat fish sauce regardless of how nice it might be. That's not being ethical.

Not sure why he wanted marg and not butter unless he's vegan,or lactose intolerant.

The thing I found most shocking on your post is that this early on he has gone in your fridge😱😂

@Stayingstrongish How much spare time do you have and how much of that do you spend with Mr Beard?

Feeling like you need space away from him/people is a sign of overwhelm and you should pay attention to it.

I know you can't change your divorce process but you can carve out time for you.

If I've worked too much and done stuff on some weekends I feel discombobulated and end up taking at least a day to myself just being me and being kind to myself and then I feel fine again.
Never underestimate the need for time on your own and doing something for you.

@WeWantTheFinestWines …I like an articulate suitor too I must admit. Enjoy the conversation and the way it’s going and who knows…
@Stayingstrongish . Divorce is very hard time. I also felt I needed solitude and time to myself a lot when going through it. It’s completely normal. I agree 100% with @Thisisworsethananticpated …in fact, I think she and I are eerily similar in many ways. I think putting yourself and your grooming and a bit of your agenda first is necessary sometimes. We need to be mums, good workers and on top of that look sexy and groomed. I feel this is a balance that we handle as well as we can. Let’s not feel guilty of this or that…We have 1 life only and we need to put ourselves as priority sometimes. Some weeks are terrible with kids, and some are better.Have a lovely Friday everyone.

Mila14

I agree that I need to put myself first

I just worry that with dating and work my kids sometimes come last
obviously the functioning of food and bed continues

just feel like I’ve been so crazy about Balkan and work shit I’ve taken my aye off the ball w the major sen problems

all I can do is turn phone off
yoga
breathe
assess

Thisisworse….I try to always find time to exercise…yoga and breathing are great too. I think eventually you will reach a stage with Balkan where things are more even keeled. I was crazy about my ex and feeling at the time I was dropping balls all over very often… but it was actually fine. I wish now I felt like you are feeling about Balkan… my irons are ok but I’m not crazy about anyone

It’s easy to be in full control when none of your irons drive you crazy!

@SortingItOut I used to be vegetarian and I wasn't so worried about trace amounts of animal products (don't ask, don't tell...)! I just meant that he's very strict, possibly because it's not for health reasons or whatever. He was in my fridge because it was one of the multiple nights he has stayed over and he was looking for a spread for his toast

@Thisisworsethananticpated it sounds like you are a bit overstretched at the moment.