Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@DdraigGoch …someone on this thread said a lot of times to find the right partner is a question of timing. If timing is right for you both things happen. Sometimes you are perfect for each other but timing is wrong . I think she will feel better once she moves to a new place. Right now , everything must feel too much but you are the only person she’s seeing and a great support. I think you need time to see how this develops but your heart is in the right place and she’s really seeing you at every opportunity she can…

@ButterflyOfShay I think actually you have the right approach but also you both had a good time that other evening and kept the chat going. He might think you aren't interested?

Reading these threads makes one think of military exercises..

@DdraigGoch I think it sounds like you have established a good connection with this person and as I read it there are no glaringly obvious reasons to walk away at this stage. However I have had a male friend who found himself in a similar position to this - ultimately it didn’t develop as he had hoped it would- but he regretted the amount of time he spent wondering what she was thinking as she seemed to enjoy spending time with him but no romantic development at any point. Presumably your lady decided to put herself onto a dating site? I have been on the receiving end of ‘ I’m not over my ex/ready to date’ and I have also said these things myself. In my case it was a way to let someone down without specifically saying I wasn’t into them, because I liked them and didn’t want to be too blunt. I would maybe use the gentle test of seeing if she initiates contact or suggests meeting up and checking that it’s not you who is keeping the momentum going.

She seems to have gone onto the apps initially out of curiosity, and possibly after some validation.

She has certainly initiated stuff herself, when she has been working near my workplace asking what time I've got a break, inviting me to dinner when she knew that I'd be passing through her town one evening, that sort of thing. Hopefully that will continue.

As to whether I'd regret the time spent if it didn't eventually lead where I want it to, I don't think that I will. It's unlikely that the time would have been better spent still on the apps - a break from them is probably a good idea anyway. I've seen an opera and two films I would have wanted to see anyway, and I've been glad of her company on the other occasions we've met - it's been a lot of fun.

You know what- I think the fact I didn't jump on it meant he couldn't sweettalk me into paying for it- not that I would ever do it

Dodged a real bullet!

Hey, just dipping my toe in!

Signed up to OLD about a month ago after a split with ex DP in September. Went on a few dates around the start of the year with people I knew offline and didn't really go anywhere.

Been speaking to someone who lives locally, younger, who wanted to meet up Saturday but went on a date last night with someone that unbelievably I know in a group chat. She posted a picture of the person she was meeting and said she really liked said person and they had a kiss. She wants to meet him again, he's not 100% sure. He text me after the date to say he enjoyed chatting with me but had been on a date and felt he couldn't continue talking to me - I just said sounds great, no problems and then he went into how he wasn't sure and didn't know what to do. I tried not to lead a) it's not my place as I don't know him and b) the person I knew liked him, and I wouldn't want to interfere.

However the guy in question seems to think because he's met one person and the date was 'ok' he has to stop talking to other people and invest in this one person. I explained that OLD is a bit like house viewings, unless you're absolutely sold on something from the get go, you can shop around as long as everyone knows the score. However, I said that if he likes this person and wants to go on a second date it's definitely worth dropping everyone else (which, there is only me, apparently) and pursuing the person he has met.

He does want to meet Saturday but I'm not really sure how to proceed. I'm pretty casual (without being casual, sex related I mean) about dating and don't invest much into it early doors but I don't know if this is a red flag or not? Should I go on the date and see how it goes, or tell him to say hey if it doesn't work out with date 1? I get the impression from his general conversation that he's not at all used to OLD at all, and was expecting to feel like he wanted to delete the app straight away and didn't, and wasn't really that convinced of his date, but this could all be hyperbole.

What are your thoughts?

@DdraigGoch I think it sounds promising if she's still arranging things with you. But just be aware about being friend zoned too early on.

@PollyDarton1 it sounds a bit like he wants you to convince him. Do you want to go on a date given you may both be vying for his attention? Does he know you know her?

I might actually have an iron but have organised a walking date next weekend to investigate further. Seems a decent sort who regularly messages. I like that.

Good @Eesha …the normal messaging types are scarce…
Ok …I might have iron number 3, Mr Fruity. He’s super open and candid and writes extensively and gave me his full name straight away…what I am not sure about is that he’s rural and is a land owner ( has business growing fruit). He says that when 2 sides agree distance can be overcome. He sounds nice but I’m not sure. I might meet him for a coffee. To be honest I might not meet him at all… I am now thinking maybe this OLD is also a slow game. You don’t have to go crazy attracted to someone to develop feelings I think…or do you???
Mr Silverfox still talking to me but evading anything remotely personal. I will meet him…if only to report here and gossip as I think this iron is a no go.

@PollyDarton1 …tricky…but I think on an early stage anyone can have 2 irons or more. There might not be a clear preference…I don’t know. I’m not ready to decide on anyone right now. I’m not thinking I am the only person my irons are seeing either…

You owe it to us to give us the end of the story! 😀( of course you don’t! 😀)

If I get to meet him I will report on Mr Silverfox…no worries

So what are people's thoughts on talking about exes with your irons?

Current iron was telling me about a gig he went to with his ex and said "oh and then we did this because Alice wanted to.. etc" (Alice being his ex - so rather than referring to her as "my ex girlfriend" he referred to her by name). Also in the story he kept saying "oh we did xyd" and "we then decided to". Lots of "we's". I got a bit bored of the story in the end and felt my feathers were a bit ruffled.

This has been after 3 dates, lots of messaging and a few phone calls.

@Penguinwaddler I imagine it was rather off putting to hear these anecdotes. How long were they together? And how long since they split ? Mentioning her by name could indicate that they parted on reasonable terms. Has he given any context about it ? I mention my previous partner and my late DH quite often when talking to MrV, sometimes as part of a conversation about places I have been or things I’ve seen, other times it might be to reference something particularly good or challenging about the relationship, but I am 2+ years down the line with Mr V.

@Penguinwaddler i find that strangely familiar and rude. It would put me right off.

I think that the thing that is upsetting about it is the immediacy and closeness it suggests. Most people would distance themselves from their ex and speak about that person with reference to them (eg just saying, "my ex"). I would assume they aren't over the ex or that they might try to pull me into a certain familiarity that I don't want.

@Stepcount it was off putting! They were together about 7 years and split up 2 years ago. I had asked if they were still in touch and he said they occasionally speak. I'm a bit hazy on why they separated but I believe they wanted different things (Ie he wanted to settle down but she didn't)

@hotnakedgelato yes! It was the familiarity and intimacy of it I suppose, especially with the length of the anecdote. That was a bit tedious enough and then referring to her by name really threw me.

Thanks so much for your insight though, it really made me feel a certain kind of way that wasn't comfortable.

@Penguinwaddler I wouldn’t like this at all. It sounds to me like he’s not over her, and still thinks of her. I’d be a bit weary in your situation.

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers I didn't like it tbh, it put me on edge but wanted to work out why it put me on edge and if my reaction was appropriate. My recent ex never shared anything about his exes which was fine although I wouldn't have minded talking about them occasionally but he literally never referenced them.

So to have someone tell me anecdotes AND mention the ex by name made me feel really weird.

@Penguinwaddler I would feel the same as you. I think it just seems really disrespectful to the other person to talk about exes like that on a date.

the last person I went on a date with tried to get me to talk about my ex and It was horrible, so I have a bit of a hard line view on it.

Not my problem 😁😁

Nooooo to them talking about exs. One thing I loved about my ex though he was an arse in many ways he never discussed exs. There’s nothing more offputting than when they start bringing it up/ talking about them.

@PollyDarton1 you sound really chilled about it all which is the best way to be. What do you think about seeing him again?

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers I mean I'm interested in hearing about previous relationships and why they ended/if they learnt anything from it haha. But it was the referencing her by name that threw me!!

@ButterflyOfShay it is off-putting! I mean fair enough mention them when it's appropriate but this felt slightly more than that.. plus I've realised he has told me a lot about her life etc and I just could not give a shit.

This does not bode well haha.

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers I mean I'm interested in hearing about previous relationships and why they ended/if they learnt anything from it haha. But it was the referencing her by name that threw me!!

@ButterflyOfShay it is off-putting! I mean fair enough mention them when it's appropriate but this felt slightly more than that.. plus I've realised he has told me a lot about her life etc and I just could not give a shit.

This does not bode well haha.

Too right @Penguinwaddler . Hearing them start droning on about exs would have my vagina retreating like a crisp packet in a fire!!