Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’d appreciate some advice from you all please…

I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. Mr D. Not discussed exclusivity etc, both off the apps but that was because subscriptions expired rather than a conscious decision.

I think I could easily fall in love, but logistics are difficult, he has a super time consuming hobby which I will never be a priority over. He can be quite critical, text frequencies are mismatched but there is something there. For me anyway. Can’t see how a future would work between us really - same values but different goals.

Met Mr P for a drink after work today - talked ages ago, his work aligned with mine so met as friends. To be honest

• and judgmental, I know - he’s not my equal in aspects such as education, finances, social preferences. But other things we are on the same page. He said he wants to see me again and was very complimentary about me. I just know he’d treat me right and would make me feel amazing, whereas Mr D can come across as a take it or leave it kind of guy. I’m not blown away by Mr P’s looks, but he seems to be genuine and one of the good guys.

I am torn - I know I can leave both, but Mr P just seems like such a nice guy whereas Mr D isn’t so nice to me. But not as connected to Mr P as I am to Mr D.

I’ve been single for 8 years +, met far too many dickheads in that time and I’m no longer holding out for true love or to be swept off my feet - at 55 I just want to be happy.

So stick with Mr D and hope he changes as he gets to know me more, or try things with Mr P and hope the attraction grows?

TIA x

@JangolinaPitt @hotnakedgelato

I'm in surrey and I had a very similar experience with a guy eerily similar to what you describe. He turned out to be the worst sort of player.... I hope it;s not the same guy...

Mr D won't change. It only gets worse sorry.. He doesn't sound like he's very nice to you.

And maybe Mr P isn't the one either., sorry probably not very helpful

YUP YUP YUP. Very intense, very caring, sweet guy! He was attentive, sweet - almost too good to be true!

The night before he was convincing me to go with him to Spain. I was pointing out we barely knew each other. He said we could get seperate rooms, I needed a break, would be nice to spend some time. Wanted to pay for the whole thing, sent screenshots of the stunning luxury hotel.

Next morning..no good morning text. I just knew.. so I didn't text him back... The end😀

Blackcatnofat

my Blunt and tired answer is

the not nice one won’t change and will duck your head up , if your not very careful

the one you don’t fancy , you probably won’t change and fancy him , it’s a pity

sorry 😞

Nowhere near there!

I guess I could be wrong. What sort of horror story do you have? Any warning signals to look out for?

I've been away from these threads for the past month or so while, having matched with someone who I really clicked with. We've probably been chatting for just over a month and have been meeting in person for three weeks. Normally it's really difficult to match my shift patterns up with someone else's free time but circumstances have meant that we have managed to meet up probably around seven or eight time. Often it's been quite spontaneous, if she's working in my area and my shift times/breaks/spare turns fit in.

We share many of the same ideals and are able to have an adult conversation where we differ on the details. She has taken a genuine interest in what I do, and my hobbies, some of which overlap (we haven't really discussed much about her interests, she's said that she lacks confidence to talk about them but knows that she needs to work on that). We've enjoyed seeing a couple of films and an opera together. She's cooked dinner for me - while I haven't yet cooked a full meal for her, she's enjoyed some of my baking and we have eaten a takeaway at my place. We've spent evenings at either of our houses but always got the last bus home, intimacy hasn't yet gone anywhere past quite a lot of cuddling on the sofa and a brief peck on the cheek on one occasion. In short, it has been going very well and we seem to be well matched. I've really enjoyed our time together.

However, she broke up with her boyfriend of four years only three months ago. He has only just moved out of the house share (in fact I think that he's still got one or two things to collect) and she told me yesterday that this had made her realise that she hadn't quite yet come to terms with the breakup. It didn't help that the other evening I had some wine which caused my mind to drop its guard and let my heart to start talking, possibly scaring her a little with talk of 'love' so soon in a relationship - she feels that she was too quick to move in with him among other things.

She says that she wants us to ease off a little - continue things platonically. She has said that she doesn't want to string me along when she's not quite ready, and I've told her that I'm happy to give her time and space - continue as friends for the time being, meeting up around once a week or so and there being no suggestion of progressing into a proper relationship for the time being. She seems to be happy with this as a way forward (incidentally I feel that it is a fairly good sign that we do feel able to open up with one another).

I guess that I'm looking for advice and reassurance. The tenancy on her house share will end next month, and I think that when she finds the new rental she's looking for, it will help her move on from her past relationship. This new rental would be close to me anyway (more work available in my county) which at least makes travelling to meet less of a pain. I suppose that I want to keep the pilot light lit until she's ready to start considering the future again, I don't mind if it takes a few months to do this. We still send a few messages each day and she's agreed to go on a short bike ride this weekend which I hope will prevent things stagnating too much.

God that was an essay. Did anyone get far enough through it to offer their wisdom?

@DdraigGoch hey! So you have only been meeting for three weeks but you mentioned love? It does sound like she wanted to dip her toe in and likes you but realised its a bit much too soon given her circumstances.

I would do the friend thing for a bit but give yourself a time limit in your head before you also date others. You also don't want to be in a position where she dates others whilst you are in the sidelines. She's clearly self aware enough not to want to string you along and I think that's a good thing.

One to look out for!

Because I want to see if he’s interested enough to ask me x

Hehehe I KNEW you two would get back. Glad you’re happy 💘💘🥰🥰

Well done, shut the door and throw away the key.. good move, glad youre ok! 💛

It does sound like you’re being friend zoned @DdraigGoch . Is that what you want?

Another OLD love story!!! 🙈

@Blackcatnofat …I totally get you. I think MrD will not change and if you are not feeling appreciated that is an issue. Mr P is nice to you but perhaps you are a bit of a trophy to him as he’s not your education, social or economic level. I think if you felt a huge connection with Mr P, none of these things would matter however …all these things can surface to bite you if you develop a relationship with him. I think you can still see them and see what happens but keep an eye open for a new iron? It all depends on what really makes you happy

Excellent news. I love how you put it…”he went into his man cave “ and you had “shit dates”.
About Mr Silverfox…we’ve been video chatting and messaging. He’s very prescriptive about when to meet me ( day time, coffee place). And I have noticed he video always from NOT HIS HOME. That made me suspicious. In the end I asked whether he was in a relationship or living with someone. Apparently he lives with his mum!!! I don’t know what to think but after this revelation he has gone quiet.
id like to know the circumstances to be honest but… I don’t know. This over prescription etc has put me off a bit. I do have warning signs everywhere but I will meet for a coffee.
Maybe he’s very decent but the other thing I found weird is that he was amazed I had been with my last boyfriend 6 years. As if that was too long??? Anyway. Right now I have brought my expectations down big time. I will not video or chat much today. I’m busy I get my kids back. They are a good leveller 😊.

Completely agree with@ButterflyOfShay . I have been in this girl’s position @DdraigGoch . It’s taken me a long time to be able to date ( and I still think about my ex boyfriend). I grew close to someone for comfort and run away when he got the “love” thing. It’s too early for her I think.

Mila14

id say the silver fox and mum living combo is s
mild concern !!!!!!

hiw old is he ? As he clearly isn’t going to start out at 50 something

that said I’m an open minded person but a few red flags 🚩 here ?

does mum = wife !?

He’s over 50!!! I agree…this is looking weird. I have been quite open about who I am and Mr Silverfox has not. I can’t decide but he might be married…When a guy does a lot of effort to never video call from home when he WFH anyway something is weird. I will meet him for coffee in 2 weeks time but there’s every possibility I will get even more suspicious before that. Or perhaps he’s already sussed out I’m suspicious. In any case I’m not messaging, not because I’m a player but because this kind of thing you say from the start and not wait for someone to become suspicious. I might be wrong but I’m writing to Mr Smiles and planning to meet him anyway. Mr Silverfox is luckily only my iron number 2.

Living with his mum doesnt mean he cant vid call from his room! Def sounds dodgy 🙄

My late mum didn’t give me lots of advice about men but one thing she did say was to choose someone who was, in her words, an open book. I think it’s natural when you meet someone to proceed with caution and yes, not overshare. But you certainly don’t want too much mystery and second guessing.

Yeah, I certainly wouldn't have been so loose-lipped if I hadn't had a couple of glasses of wine, I will be keeping a clear head going forward.

As for being friend-zoned, I suppose that it would be a problem if she was dating other people, but while she's not seeing anyone else either I think that I'm OK with it as a holding stage. My hope is that once she's spent some time in a new flat she'll be better placed to break with the past.

Exactly right @Stepcount . It’s been completely open book with iron 1 Mr Smiles. He has an issue with one of his kids and that was discussed straightway on date 1. Mr Silverfox has just texted but in a more subdued way. I think rabbit is off basket now.
I am thinking of this scenario now. Married guy tries Bumble for half an hour. Checks possibilities. Immediately comes off it in case he’s recognised. He manages a few irons on the proceed and has a bit of fun.
I think Mr Silverfox is a walking red flag