Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

982 replies

ButterflyOfShay · 02/05/2022 20:16

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Mila14 · 09/05/2022 21:57

@Shunter350 …how do you sniff out the BS? I don’t want to be suspicious but for me, guys who show off are a no no. I understand guys liking cars though but any guy putting a pic of himself with a super car is a no (and my ex had an AM car…but he never bragged while getting to know me…I didn’t even know ). Also guys who write “work in finance” but don’t work for any financial institution known. I’m wary of people who have no linked in or web page of any kind. Basically, women put filters and stupid ears, guys attribute to themselves financial power no one is interested in… its tricky…

Rubyroseyposey · 09/05/2022 22:01

My date well, it went really well. Drinks chinese stayed over, no sex but other things. Went for breakfast the next day and he dropped me home, after saying lets meet next weekend and lets both have a think what to do.

10 that evening got a message, doesnt see a future thought there was, but we are similar but also very different. So that was confusing but w/e I just didnt especially appreciate being asked to think about next date to then get that message 🙄😂

Butterfly72 · 09/05/2022 22:05

MayEye · 09/05/2022 21:49

@Butterfly72 i think having a few irons at this early stage is the right thing to do. Have you any plans to meet your coffee date again? Did you like him? What about the guy you are meeting this week?
I too started old about 2 years ago after coming out of a 20 year relationship and made the mistake of getting too intense with one iron at a time and getting messed about in the process. I would so do what you are doing if I was starting again. Keep it light and casual to see if you like them and decide after a few initial dates if you are ready to focus on one. Enjoy the feelings of excitement and empowerment 😁

Do you really think so? I just sometimes feel I’m being deceitful/bit of a slutty person…mind you, they could quite easily be messaging or meeting others too couldn’t they?
I like them all in their individual way. Ok, now I’ll name them…
i’m excited for Thursdays meet with Mr Farmer (we message daily sev times and had a video call recently).
Mr Accountant has instigated second video call (but moves at a self-confessed glacial pace) later this week. I’m happy to bumble along but it has now been six weeks (he was one of the first to ‘like’ me on the site 🤔
Mr Gardener is keen to meet up (we’ve only just messaged) and says he’ll travel to me to save me the effort…perhaps too Ooogy??
Mr Festival and I had a lovely 2.5 hour coffee date Saturday morning and he asked to see me again which I’ve agreed to. Just need to get my new rota for mutual days off.

Im thinking Mr Farmer is slightly pulling ahead at this point but the line up may soon change…😊

pixie5121 · 09/05/2022 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 09/05/2022 22:08

Butterfly72 · 09/05/2022 21:33

Hello all,

ok my first question is this….(thank goodness this is anonymous…)
I’m currently messaging four ‘irons’ and every one is very different in terms of education, career, background etc. Not saying that in a derogatory way; it’s merely a fact. None of them know about each other. I’ve had a video call with two, had first coffee with another and just messaging fourth. Meeting one this Thursday for first f2f meeting, eek!! So my question is thus….Would this be seen as greedy/slutty etc?
I’m 17 months single btw out of an 18 year relationship and am a single mum. Please be totally honest as I feel like such a bad person spinning these plates yet it’s such an exciting and empowering feeling, if that makes sense!??

No, you’re just meeting people, think of it as a costume party, you are taking to different ppl, but know one knows who as you are wearing masks, the guys you are talking to are probably talking to other women as well, the other thing to keep in mind is that when you meet you might f2f you might not like them and they might not like you, so keep you options open

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 09/05/2022 22:21

Shunter350 · 09/05/2022 21:33

As a bloke ( for reference) I cut out all the stuff that could be read the wrong way, ie making me out to be "too tactile" etc.
So it's basically just bullet points now.
From my POV I find it frustrating when women have nothing or very little on their profile..
And please, please decent profile pics.. no sparkly bits, bunny ears or whiskers. It looks stupid and is a definite no from me.

I hear you, I’ve been slaughtered on this forum before for pointing out that (some) women have rubbish profiles and rubbish pictures, but yeah it’s true ( sorry).
and if someone doesn’t want to meet, move on.

Rubyroseyposey · 09/05/2022 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes, they really will. He did put a lot of graft in too although tbh I am not opposed to casual sex so I really didnt appreciate it. Especially the lets have a think what to do next weekend crap 🙄

pixie5121 · 09/05/2022 22:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubyroseyposey · 09/05/2022 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Yeah 100%.

May be cynical of me but will be treating everything they say as lies from now on, until actions say otherwise.

Butterfly72 · 09/05/2022 22:38

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 09/05/2022 22:08

No, you’re just meeting people, think of it as a costume party, you are taking to different ppl, but know one knows who as you are wearing masks, the guys you are talking to are probably talking to other women as well, the other thing to keep in mind is that when you meet you might f2f you might not like them and they might not like you, so keep you options open

Show quote history

Good advice that, thanks

WeWantTheFinestWines · 09/05/2022 22:47

butterfly Please don't use language like 'slutty' which I believe to be a word used to control women for not sitting quietly in a corner waiting to be picked by a man. You are a fully grown independent woman returning to the dating scene. As long as you're not lying to anyone by e.g. telling them you're not talking to anyone else, why shouldn't you date a few? It's a numbers game and you could still end up with nobody. As ppl have pointed out, they're probably doing the same. Don't think about how you fit into some outdated notion of how a 'lady' should behave or some such bollocks - ask yourself if you are lying, deceiving or hurting other human beings; if the answer is 'no' why on earth should you not carry on? Go for it and enjoy the interest.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 09/05/2022 22:52

ruby that's not very nice behaviour from your iron, sorry. He could have been even more cowardly by ghosting you, so in a twisted sort of way it's a small positive that he at least informed you it was going to go nowhere. But his words weren't matched by his actions and he basically deceived you. Really horrible and hurtful.

Rubyroseyposey · 09/05/2022 23:21

WeWantTheFinestWines · 09/05/2022 22:52

ruby that's not very nice behaviour from your iron, sorry. He could have been even more cowardly by ghosting you, so in a twisted sort of way it's a small positive that he at least informed you it was going to go nowhere. But his words weren't matched by his actions and he basically deceived you. Really horrible and hurtful.

Yes it is, but on the plus side he showed his self to not be a nice person and I didnt waste more time! Onwards and upwards 😃🌞

hotnakedgelato · 09/05/2022 23:56

I completely second everythin@WeWantTheFinestWines has just said above.

Butterfly72 · 10/05/2022 05:41

WeWantTheFinestWines · 09/05/2022 22:47

butterfly Please don't use language like 'slutty' which I believe to be a word used to control women for not sitting quietly in a corner waiting to be picked by a man. You are a fully grown independent woman returning to the dating scene. As long as you're not lying to anyone by e.g. telling them you're not talking to anyone else, why shouldn't you date a few? It's a numbers game and you could still end up with nobody. As ppl have pointed out, they're probably doing the same. Don't think about how you fit into some outdated notion of how a 'lady' should behave or some such bollocks - ask yourself if you are lying, deceiving or hurting other human beings; if the answer is 'no' why on earth should you not carry on? Go for it and enjoy the interest.

Thanks for pointing that out (and my apologies if my using the term ‘slutty’ offended anyone 😔…)

I have been out of the dating arena for so very long and I’m still very much finding my way through this labyrinth! 🤭

Daydreamscometrue · 10/05/2022 06:39

Rubyroseyposey · 09/05/2022 23:21

Yes it is, but on the plus side he showed his self to not be a nice person and I didnt waste more time! Onwards and upwards 😃🌞

Show quote history

Yes exactly. At least it's done now! On to the next. I often have them mentioning another meet up and then just disappearing.

Daydreamscometrue · 10/05/2022 06:40

@Shunter350 This is exactly how I'm feeling about OLD

Original poster
ButterflyOfShay · 10/05/2022 06:42

Men say anything to get laid since the dawn of time.. this is not a new thing 😅😅

OP posts:
MayEye · 10/05/2022 09:05

ButterflyOfShay · 10/05/2022 06:42

Men say anything to get laid since the dawn of time.. this is not a new thing 😅😅

Yep!

Rubyroseyposey · 10/05/2022 09:30

ButterflyOfShay · 10/05/2022 06:42

Men say anything to get laid since the dawn of time.. this is not a new thing 😅😅

Very true 😂😂

Penguinwaddler · 10/05/2022 09:45

@Rubyroseyposey that's shit! How disappointing. Are you feeling okay about it?

My iron said he was tempted to ask me to stay the night when I saw him at the weekend but didn't want to give me the "wrong idea". we are having a dinner and movie night at his this weekend and I am absolutely not staying over. I actually sent a message to say I wasn't ready for anything more than what we had already been doing (literally hugs/a few kisses).

Brightstar29 · 10/05/2022 11:16

Got 2 irons currently and taking it very slow which is not something I’ve done before. I’m starting to feel my anxious attachment style creep in. Have my barriers up a bit because of previous rejections through OLD etc. trying to just go with the flow but it can be hard and I’m finding myself overthinking a lot of things when there’s probably nothing to overthink about

Mila14 · 10/05/2022 11:17

hotnakedgelato · 09/05/2022 23:56

I completely second everythin@WeWantTheFinestWines has just said above.

I second that 100% too. We are in control of picking who we want. They for sure are doing exactly the same.

Mila14 · 10/05/2022 11:33

Update on my 2 irons. Mr smile keeps being nice and messaging. But oh my god…Mr Silver fox faced time me yesterday and it was GREAT. He’s natural, very handsome and just so easy to talk to. I woke up today and we had a long message session going back and forth. I basically woke him up. But we have a lot more in common than I suspected. We will video chat today again. But I’m thinking about him more and I’m looking forward to meeting him on the flesh.
I don’t want to get very carried away but he’s looking nice. The one thing I can’t understand is that he removed his app account saying he was getting too much attention (?). He’s gone from the app. @Shunter350 , @HowlongWillThisTakeNow …is this normal?? maybe he picked his irons in half a day??? . He’s in full phone contact attention with me now which I appreciate as I don’t like people who play games and don’t answer or take their time.
@Rubyroseyposey …I think you need to forget and not over analyse if a guy used you. We need to be wary but we are human and can feel massive attraction and trust and make a mistake. I’m glad he told you straight and you don’t fall for it again.

Rubyroseyposey · 10/05/2022 11:44

Mila14 · 10/05/2022 11:33

Update on my 2 irons. Mr smile keeps being nice and messaging. But oh my god…Mr Silver fox faced time me yesterday and it was GREAT. He’s natural, very handsome and just so easy to talk to. I woke up today and we had a long message session going back and forth. I basically woke him up. But we have a lot more in common than I suspected. We will video chat today again. But I’m thinking about him more and I’m looking forward to meeting him on the flesh.
I don’t want to get very carried away but he’s looking nice. The one thing I can’t understand is that he removed his app account saying he was getting too much attention (?). He’s gone from the app. @Shunter350 , @HowlongWillThisTakeNow …is this normal?? maybe he picked his irons in half a day??? . He’s in full phone contact attention with me now which I appreciate as I don’t like people who play games and don’t answer or take their time.
@Rubyroseyposey …I think you need to forget and not over analyse if a guy used you. We need to be wary but we are human and can feel massive attraction and trust and make a mistake. I’m glad he told you straight and you don’t fall for it again.

Oh I'm not and tbh it wasnt what he said that made me have sex, I would have anyway I am basically a f girl 😂😂

I just didnt like the think about next weekend stuff and the cold messages after our interactions had been so different in tone. Nobody is obliged to see somebody again, but I also dont feel used, it is what it is.