Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

{mention: pixie5121} have you tried Muddy Matches? I gave it a go before and although I didn't go on any dates from there, it was quite well populated for your/our age range (I was looking late twenties to mid thirties?). You sound like a catch so don't give up!
@Daydreamscometrue I suppose that's the risk you take with being honest about what you're doing and how you handle dating-my preference fwiw- seems a shame though!
Great news from your non-date date @ButterflyOfShay I hope you get the nature reserve booked in soon!!

Daydreamscometrue

a pause needed ? And a mental
health break ?

I can’t get my head around serial shaggers either
I was very good friends (and fancied ) someone at work and two years later he’s STILL serial shagging
he’s a nice guy but I fail to understand how and why he keeps going
where does he get his emotional intimacy from
baffles me

ps I’d never tell anyone I was multiple dating
they don’t need to know 😁

That's precisely it though isn't it... he is doing this in lieu of emotional intimacy - it's a shield from having to be vulnerable with anyone. <strokes imaginary psychotherapist beard>

Totally agree re. multidating - it has to be assumed but not made explicit

@Daydreamscometrue ugh, that does sound a bit demoralising. I wouldn't be up for a serial shagger, either. It's just so off-putting.

This continues plaguing my mind and I am interested in others' views on a particular question: how much would you need to see a person whom you are dating (de facto exclusively on both sides) after two months?

@hotnakedgelato …I think you are right by putting the ball in his corner. If you liked MrS from your first video call and got hooked…there’s a lot more about him you like. I think he needs to make an effort on dates to see you though. Waiting until June seems a bit too much?
@ibelieveinmirrorballs …100% right in what I look like for in a partner. Values and outlook in life. I don’t care if they are into extreme sports or knitting…I can do my thing and they can do theirs 😂😂
@Butterfly72 …welcome !…it’s great to see what our fellow daters are going through and look at our own experiences through other points of view. Therapeutic
in other news. My date 2 iron, mr Smile has gone a bit quiet but ok. I will see him in 2 weeks. In the meantime Mr Silverfox has started chatting with me. I think this one is tricky…he’s very attractive too and I think he knows it. Not sure…

Just a quick update. I was very frank with Mr Interview and it turns out that he is very interested, and liked me being upfront, and asked me for a proper date, he wanted to meet with me this week but I've said I'll see him on the weekend.

Marvellous that you can see each other us mates and are genuinely over each other. I think it is perfectly possible to have a friendship with an ex iron because in reality there’s a lot of nice decent people looking for a partner of any sex and any orientation that can become friends.

Super @lesgalettes …it shows sometimes we see things a lot more of a pessimistic slant. The reality is that he’s very interested and it was good you were frank and direct. Best of luck for this coming date

It depends @hotnakedgelato . I think it depends on how busy you both are and kids and life issues each one has to start with. I personally prefer to spend weekends ( as in every other weekend) and some weeknight but not every week. Things are easier for those with no kids I think 🤔. If I didn’t have kids probably I would need to see my iron every week, honestly

@hotnakedgelato i think you can only look at your personal availability and what your iron has commitments wise. I know that you are rather frustrated that it could be June before you see Mr S. If you break it down is one of you more available than the other in general ?

@lesgalettes why did he have to think about it though and left you ‘pending’?? Then decided it was a yes? If he was very interested why did he have to go off and think about it? Sorry to be negative here but I just think that’s odd.

Thank you @Heartbeats0708 me too. Will see what this week brings.

I think a lot of guys just don’t need emotional intimacy until they get older. Then suddenly they mature, want to feel it then meet someone and settle down. I think a lot if the time its not the person they're with its just the timing

@ButterflyOfShay @lesgalettes I 100% agree with Shay here, sorry to say

@Stepcount my schedule is very difficult due to childcare responsibilities, but he is busy literally every weekend of May. I think that he has a core group of friends who take up a lot of his time. And though he asked about meeting my daughter, he certainly hasn't mentioned introducing me to these people.

Honestly, I don't think I want to be in a dating situation where there are frequent 3 week breaks, but I am trying to see how unusual I am in this

@hotnakedgelato no, I completely agree, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone where there were significant gaps between dates. Depending on what his weekend commitments are with the group of friends- hobby related or just social? - I would certainly expect to be seeing someone more than one weekend a month. Are you in a regular pattern for your free time? Sorry I don’t know your personal circumstances, some people have EOW free when DC are with former partner? I was widowed so my childcare situation required me to be super inventive.

@Stepcount oh, that must have been/must be very hard!

Yes, I have a very regular pattern for my free time EOW and Sunday evenings). He's... just not available during those times in May.

He is willing to make time when he's not with his friends, but all of those times are inconvenient for me and require concessions on my part. (Tbf it may be difficult for him too, but that's unclear). It will just be him coming around my house for an hour or two here and there. And absolutely nothing is scheduled in.

That's why I took pains to schedule some time, which he fucked up. I'm so irritated.

I’d expect to see someone at least once a week unless they had something unusual on, like going on holiday/going away

I have two young kids but my current iron has none, which does make scheduling easier

@hotnakedgelato , thank you, it's a number of years ago now.
Do you think some of your concerns about the ED situation are causing you to feel extra frustrated with plans going awry? Would a couple of hours here and there be okay to keep things feeling connected/ongoing until you can have a proper overnight again in June ?

I would like at at least weekly,

@Stayingstrongish i was practicing my yoga 🧘‍♀️

@ButterflyOfShay interesting you say “was out rurally”, as they are my ‘around the corner’ neighbours, couple of acres of land divided onto paddocks for horses and a few sheep in a small flock, I’m always amazed that ppl on this thread seem to be able to meet / date almost daily or weekly, I met one new person a month I consider that bloody good going

@Stepcount absolutely this plays into it - without either sex or companionship, I am struggling to see the point. Especially with the ED worry potentially hanging over any interactions that may actually occur.

I don't need more stress in my life. And I don't want to be chasing a man down to make time for me, especially one who says he wants to see me but doesn't bother to check his schedule. Fuck that.

So yes, I am planning to let him sort out times to see me now. And I have decided to put in a long stop date of one month from today (3 months after meeting) to decide whether to just totally end things. If I don't have a temper tantrum and just end it sooner.