Dating thread 228: ribbons round a maypole

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ffs! What an arse. Honestly, many people grow older but not more mature.

@lesgalettes sounds to me like you're taking the right approach - playing it cool and letting him come to you next.

Just to be clear, is this the interview guy, or someone else?

To be honest, I wondered about this too. I think he did things all wrong. A more bold man would have popped the thing before coming over.

My friend has told me that her current bf had a phase of ED and they got through it. She advised me to take the pressure off and see what happens. Her opinion based on multiple experiences is that it's a mental/performance anxiety thing

Without trying to sound rude, what you have described above sounds like someone’s best mate, to go climbing, travelling, hiking & drinking with, that sounds like quite small pool of people you are going to be looking in.

@hotnakedgelato yes I'll name him Mr Interview! We've messaged a bit today, but he still hasn't answered my question!

I have also been hooked on MrS since our first video chat, which was 2 months ago tomorrow. It does seem a shame to throw it all away now, though the date fuckup gives me pause.

General update on MrS:

Before yesterday morning was over, he sent a longish text that says he cares a lot about seeing me despite his massive date fuckup. He ended it by saying that he doesn't want to lose what we have.

I spent a lot of time thinking about it and I told him that we can put this behind us.

We now basically won't see each other until June unless we meet for lunch or he comes over when my daughter is asleep.

I am minded to leave things totally in his court. I've made enough of a effort to arrange meetups.

And of course there is still the ED issue 🤦‍♀️

But ultimately, I really like him and I think it's too early to give up on things now.

The advice here has been super helpful!

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow re the "mate" comment above... don't men want a woman who will also be a good companion???

I’d 100% agree with that, he needs to try the pills and experience the effects in his own time to get the knowledge / experience/ reassurance that they are going to work, if you buy some new shoes you don’t go out and walk 10 miles, you wear them around the house for a bit.

IRL I do coaching and mentoring (nothing to do with sex…) and getting people mentally ready to perform is hard work, and if someone fails to perform when they need to, it can be a real mental roadblock to get past.

I’ve been chatting to my potential on Hinge a bit today.

i’m going to sound like a ungrateful bitch here, but I hope it doesn’t go any further because I can’t see myself fancying him at all.

the conversation is very staid, and I just don’t think we’ve got much in common.

this dating stuff is sooo hard! 😣

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I can totally see this. I kind of feel bad for men in this regard. It must be so much pressure when sex is generally conceptualised as being all about a hard peen doing something active.

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers why not just shut it down? You need to keep up your energy for more promising leads!

the point I was trying to get to, is that when someone ( anyone), is looking for a romantic partner, that are not necessarily looking for someone with all the same attributes as themselves, they are looking for someone with that extra something, the spark, the thing you just cannot put your finger on, but you know it when you experience it.
Im not sure I can articulate what I mean, but I know I don’t want to date a female copy of me.

@hotnakedgelato you’re right. 👍🏻

That's really interesting @HowlongWillThisTakeNow because I always worry im not active enough or do too many exciting things!

I think the things you are listing are all quite superficial things - I don't mean that in a judgmental way because they are all very practical and real things that you enjoy doing - but more that the reason you get on with someone ends up being a lot more about values, outlook on life, sense of humour, than about whether you both enjoy doing all the same things. And lots of people might want to sometimes do some of those things with their partner but also do them regardless with their friends etc.

There's nothing wrong with including things that you like doing and what you're looking for, but perhaps the list of requirements might seem a bit intimidating...? I don't know as obviously haven't read your profile, but the ones that make me stop and remember them are those that put some life observation, or thoughtful sentence about something that matters to them, that makes me think we might get on as people.

@hotnakedgelato sorry to read of your update, although again it sounds like you're both being pretty calm and reasonable about things (no matter how much you were raging inside )

Hope everyone's had a good weekend. Mine's been pretty relaxing, saw an old iron today for coffee and a walk (and for him to look at my kitchen drawers which have been bodged by the builder grr) - it's very nice that we've developed something of a friendship in the past few months, glad to say as I have no residual feelings at all, that this illustrates what is possible when both people have genuinely moved on.

If I knew the answer to that, I would bottle it, sell it and retire as a rich old man.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs has articulated it better than I can, it’s the odd word or phrase or comment that just jumps out at you, it’s as unexpected as the Spanish Inquisition ( Monty Python joke), so if read that on someone’s profile it would be more interesting and I’ll like to know them better

@ibelieveinmirrorballs wow, that really is a somewhat inspiring story. And you think he doesn't have any feelings for you? How did you get from there to here?

Re Mr S, I'm feeling pretty down about things, really, but I realise that lashing out at him won't help. My hopes for us working out are very low in this moment. I'm going to wait and see and sit with my feelings😐

pixie5121

there is someone out there that will want what you offer
im not sure why you’d doubt that , maybe a few posts here ? but don’t doubt yourself or your profile either please
and I’m not saying it in a trite way either

it’s great to be 100% clear on what you are about
as someone is going to read and go ‘a ha’

hotnakedgelato

right now you are friends and both being respectful
and I like what you say about mentoring too

time will tell , but whatever happens it’s going to be a respectful and adult convo and not a fucking war or acrimonious
you can do a ted talk when it’s less raw 🤣

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

this is very un noble and not in spirit of thread
but once I had this and I just unmatched him
it was depressing me and wasting my day off

I was having a bad day
not proud …

get rid !